Emotionally free from childhood & teenage experience ?

[Eternal30]

If any of you ever finds another post of mine - about my past affair with a single man, (I'm married for 5 years), please don't focus on that post, and please don't judge or trying to make me feel bad. I'm feeling bad enough, I'm struggling enough.

 

I've blocked the man I was involved with, and trying everything to move on.

 

Moreover, now when I started reading a book about "self emotional freedom", I started realizing that this problem within me (the affair) started way before I knew about the world.

 

That is - my childhood experience with my dad and my teenage relationship experience with a man:

 

Childhood:

 

I grew up in another country where parents were/are not emotionally connected with their children. They do not praise their kids.

 

As I read more pages of the book I mentioned above, there were flashbacks about how my dad beat me. How often he did it.

 

Don't be shocked if I tell you that I never thought it was wrong. Even in my early 20's. Because it was how I grew up, I never knew a different way. I knew I was the only one in my class (maybe in my school) who often got beaten because of ridiculous reasons: got lower score than my dad expected on a test - broke a cup - went to skating and stayed out longer (day time) than my dad allowed. etc.,

 

I'm a mother of a 4 year old girl, whom I never lay my hand on her despite deep in my mind, I accepted the way my father treated me - I still never feel it is right to be violent to my own child - she's just too delicate.

 

I don't understand how my dad could lay a wood stick on my bottom when I didn't want to sleep when I was 3 years old ? Perhaps he was too tired from working, he worked hard, a lot of physical work, this is probably the main reason I accepted what he did to me.

 

However, he did give me a financially good life, I had more toys and clothes than the most of my classmates. We never had a lot of money, but I always felt I had a better life than other kids. And other kids did say this often. We lived in a small village so everybody knew each other.

 

Because of that, I always believed that my dad was better than others' kids' dads, although I always wished (wished so much), that my father could be a bit more gentle like some classmate's dad.

 

I was not the smartest student in my class, but I was always one of the top 10. However, even though I got A in my English Class, my father would never say a word to express that he was proud of me. Never.

 

But if I got an C on my Math Class, he would be so mad.

 

I was not considered a good student overall, in my teachers' eyes. Because I was very active. I had a lot of friends - same grade - upper & lower grades. The teachers just didn't like that.

 

Keep in mind that the community I lived was a very small village - it's not like in the U.S. where neighbors don't even talk to each other - in the place I grew up, not just neighbors - but everyone in the town - would know each other. And it was NOT like I skipped classes, or sneaked out, or stayed out at night, no, the place was very conservative, it was not this lifestyle and I was not that open mind to break the culture.

 

I was just a normal student who liked to make friends. I don't think it was a good thing to make friends in the whole campus, however, I don't think it was so wrong that the teachers would want to talk to my dad.

 

With that all been said, I was marked as a bad student.

 

 

Early Love Relationship Experience

 

When I was in high school. I knew a man from a local online chatting room. It was around 2004, internet just became popular in my country. Seemed like everybody was making friends online. The internet community seemed to be more innocent than nowadays.

 

Anyway, I didn't know this man was married. He told me he was from another city, he was a salesman, he was single, he was looking for a girlfriend, his was 25 (he was really 30+).

 

I was 18, I totally fell for his words.

 

Now, I know this is different from my childhood. Because now I was 18, and I was more responsible for my actions. I sneaked out of school at night (I stayed in school at night, that's how it was/is in my country) to meet him, I gave my virginity.

 

I didn't know he was married, I didn't know his real name and real age, until one time I got caught when I sneaked out from school. My parents found it out while the school was trying to kicked me out.

 

I could never ever forget that experience. I know myself was the main responsibility. I should not have done that.

 

 

----

However, when I was reading the book this morning, I suddenly realized that my childhood experience had played a very strong role in the life I am now. (I'm always looking for approvals from others): the lack of my father's encouragement, empathy, approve, up to this date I'm typing these words here on LS website, has made me wanting to seek approval from other sources so much !!

 

I have married my husband for 5 years. I never talked to any other men until couple months ago. My husband was caring until couple months ago we got more and more fights and his friends who didn't know me much started criticizing me. I got hurt and then I felt I was not good enough, that I was a shame. (His friend was comparing me to his wife to prove how terrible a wife I was, as a result, my husband literally said "My wife will never be like your wife")

 

So I started looking for comfort. I'm alone here in the U.S., no friends. And that was how my affair happened.

 

I know an affair will never fix the marriage problem. I have hurt a lot which now I understand that it is not a surprising, because the problem of being unhappy, being feeling unacceptable, being feeling not good enough, was not based on how others treat me, but deep down inside of myself. And that came from my childhood and younger age experiences.

Edited February 23, 2017 by Eternal30

[preraph]

You are a very smart young woman to have put your life so well into perspective. I do understand that however you grow up, you consider "normal." I also understand that in a household where generations of tradition has required that you beat or otherwise abuse your children, that the very people doing it were also raised by people with little empathy. It is a cycle of abuse. It is what creates unempathetic sociopaths in some. Many were literally never taught what love is or given love or taught or given empathy.

 

So yes you have a childhood that is now trying to direct your life, but instead of having become the unempathetic punisher, you have instead rebeled against it and become sympathetic and are struggling to break this cycle of abuse.

 

But since it is so familiar to you that it is something that not only seems normal on one level but also is something that you, to survive, had to learn to cope with, you will likely let in abusive people if you are not very careful. Because their small slights or meanness or disrespect may not alarm you since those were normal and something you had to get used to.

 

So though I see you are unhappy and struggling, I am so happy for you that you have come out the other end of this tunnel ready to reject those old ways and ready to rebuild yourself into a new and better person. There is nothing wrong with you doing this by yourself until and unless you feel you are strong and confident enough that you can make the right choices in a mate. If I were you, I would get two jobs and just make my own way. This will increase your self-esteem. You may always have something tugging at you, worrying you, but with each day you are not subjected to that or perpetuating it, will come more peace and self-assurance.

 

May the wind be with you.

 

And on a side note, you be sure the father of those kids is paying his part. You are in the US now. The courts will see to it. You don't even have to see him, especially if he was ever deemed an unfit parent.

Edited February 28, 2017 by preraph