Wife insisting on pursuing "friendship" with younger man

[BettyDraper]

What makes you so sure? People do change. She ****ed around in the beginning of our relationship and she owned it. We've had sex almost every day for 3 years. If she were a serial cheater, wouldn't she stop ****ing me? At least for a few days or a week?

 

What makes me so sure is your wife's past behavior. Wanting to continue seeing the young man despite how it hurts you is another sign.

 

Having sex frequently has nothing to do with staying faithful. Quite frankly, your wife sounds like a sex addict. No amount of sex is enough for her so she cheats, masturbates constantly and has frequent sex with her husband.

 

It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to tolerate your wife's constant disregard for your feelings.

It seems like you're desperately clinging the idea that she can be faithful when her actions have shown the opposite.

Edited February 24, 2017 by BettyDraper

[calidad]

What makes me so sure is your wife's past behavior. Wanting to continue seeing the young man despite how it hurts you is another sign.

 

Having sex frequently has nothing to do with staying faithful. Quite frankly, your wife sounds like a sex addict. No amount of sex is enough for her so she cheats, masturbates constantly and has frequent sex with her husband.

 

It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to tolerate your wife's constant disregard for your feelings.

It seems like you're desperately clinging the idea that she can be faithful when her actions have shown the opposite.

 

Respect what you're saying. So why do you think she's offered to take a polygraph?

 

I think there's something else at play here. My guess is she's pissed because I'm questioning her loyalty and as a result is digging her heels in deeper and rebelling. She thinks I am trying to control her and she refuses to be controlled. While she's wrong about that and she should just back off of this guy out of respect to me, her little punk attitude ego is not allowing her to just give in.

[whichwayisup]

What makes you so sure? People do change. She ****ed around in the beginning of our relationship and she owned it. We've had sex almost every day for 3 years. If she were a serial cheater, wouldn't she stop ****ing me? At least for a few days or a week?

 

What has she done to show you she's changed or can change?

 

One can't just stop being an a-hole because you want them to. She genuinely has to want to be a better person, more honest, more open and UN learn crappy behavior, lies and game playing. Those to me seem like traits that she's had since day one...

[sandylee1]

Whether she passes a poly or not, isn't really the point. You're uncomfortable with her seeing this young man alone and that should be enough of a reason for her not to see him.

 

And there's obviously a chance she hasn't cheated as yet, so if she passes a poly and you ever question her behaviour with men and it's inappropriateness, she'll wave the poly results at you and you'll have no option but to STFU (shut the f*** up).

 

As the sex is so crap at the moment anyway, you might as well open up the marriage again.

 

She just doesn't strike me (from what you've said) as a woman capable of fidelity long term.

 

She likes the attention of other men and you alone, won't be able to satisfy her.

[kgcolonel]

Whether she passes a poly or not, isn't really the point. You're uncomfortable with her seeing this young man alone and that should be enough of a reason for her not to see him.

 

And there's obviously a chance she hasn't cheated as yet, so if she passes a poly and you ever question her behaviour with men and it's inappropriateness, she'll wave the poly results at you and you'll have no option but to STFU (shut the f*** up).

 

As the sex is so crap at the moment anyway, you might as well open up the marriage again.

 

She just doesn't strike me (from what you've said) as a woman capable of fidelity long term.

 

She likes the attention of other men and you alone, won't be able to satisfy her.

 

I agree here whole heartedly and would even go one step further. She may be laying the ground work that if she passes the Poly, she can say, see I told you, now let me hang with the young guy....the poly only tells you what is in the past, not what she is planning to do.....just a thought

[BettyDraper]

Respect what you're saying. So why do you think she's offered to take a polygraph?

 

I think there's something else at play here. My guess is she's pissed because I'm questioning her loyalty and as a result is digging her heels in deeper and rebelling. She thinks I am trying to control her and she refuses to be controlled. While she's wrong about that and she should just back off of this guy out of respect to me, her little punk attitude ego is not allowing her to just give in.

 

Your wife is being childish because you have EVERY RIGHT to question her loyalty given the shenanigans in the past. She's lucky that you're still with her. I think she's also "rebelling" because you have been overly forgiving before and now your wife is unhappy that she can't walk all over you anymore.

 

Most spouses are not going to go to the trouble of setting up a polygraph test and it's also easy to influence the results. That's why your wife is agreeing to it.

 

Why do you want to be married to someone who needs to be monitored all the time anyway?

[road]

What makes you so sure? People do change. She ****ed around in the beginning of our relationship and she owned it. We've had sex almost every day for 3 years. If she were a serial cheater, wouldn't she stop ****ing me? At least for a few days or a week?

 

NO!

 

 

During affairs WW's sex with their BH goes into three directions.

Many WW keep doing their BH. Many WW cut off their BH. Many WW

do their BH more often.

 

 

Being in your case that your sex has been poor now indicates your WW

has been doing just enough sex to keep you from being suspicious and

suspecting her cheating again.

[Merrylegs]

Sounds to me like the 'open' bit suits her fine but now she wants to reset the boundaries because she enjoys the open part but also wants a loving husband to go home to as well.

I am in a similar sort of position at the moment although not exactly the same.

However, I do feel that she has found in you a good trusting decent man as a Base.

It doesn't matter what a person has lived through, many of us have had bad childhoods and nasty experiences but it does not affect ones sense of right and wrong.

Do Not Question yourself or your judgement. Listen to your intuition and listen to oldshirt.

She will not change, she will always need confirmation of her worth as a person and it will never be enough. This young guy is another confirmation that she's still got it'.

If this was the other way round everyone would think the guy flirting g with a w3 year old was a sad midlife crisis.

She needs time to get it all out of her system, by which time you ought to be long gone.

I'm sorry to write this. It's unfair that someone ready and willing to commit gets secrets and lies given back.

[oldshirt]

We've had sex almost every day for 3 years. If she were a serial cheater, wouldn't she stop ****ing me? At least for a few days or a week?

 

No. Sex gets her what she wants, whether that is attention, acceptance, gifts, money, roof over her head, food on the table etc etc.

 

Sex is a commodity and currency for her that she uses to get what she wants. This is very typical behavior for strippers, sex workers, addicts, BPDs etc.

 

She is not a typical WW that meets someone else that she falls for and transfers her attraction and desire from her spouse to her AP. For her sex is a commodity that she uses to get things from whatever man she can. No one man can satisfy her or provide her all her wants and needs so she uses her sexuality to get what she wants from all who will abide her.

 

In your case, daily sex has placated you and kept you under her thumb and kept you around doing what she wants despite her inappropriate and unfaithful behavior.

Edited February 25, 2017 by oldshirt

[Mumbles]

No. Sex gets her what she wants, whether that is attention, acceptance, gifts, money, roof over her head, food on the table etc etc.

 

Sex is a commodity and currency for her that she uses to get what she wants. This is very typical behavior for strippers, sex workers, addicts, BPDs etc.

 

This.

 

Seems pretty likely. also throw ADHD into the mix as they are bigger dopamine junkies even than the rest of us, probably by a power of magnitude and more. More than a few stippers/escorts/etc have big time ADHD problems.

 

100% right on the button so far as 'commodity' goes too.

 

Polygraphs won't prove anything in this case. To even give a slighting indication of whats real, poly testing needs to be done in a controlled environment, over many many days (or longer) and multiple tests. The big wildcard is always peoples latent, or blatant, personality disorders, the tester needs to be in a position to correct for that. Even best case, its not 'proof', just indicators.

[oldshirt]

In your case, daily sex has placated you and kept you under her thumb and kept you around doing what she wants despite her inappropriate and unfaithful behavior.

 

Now to be fair, if someone was screwing me every day for years and was always at my bec-and-call sexually, I would probably be willing to negotiate quite a bit of latitude as well.

 

In fact, my wife and I used to be very active swingers. She can basically hook up with whoever she wants as long as it is some kind of 3way or group thing and I am one of the active participants and getting mine.

 

Earlier in the thread, one of the other posters was asking what is in this relationship for you and why were you even considering remaining with this woman.

 

...well if she is getting down with you every single day, that's a pretty big draw. And if your sexual needs are getting completely met and she wants a little extra on the side, yeah I can see where that may not be such a big deal and hey, as long as I am getting mine and keep getting mine, what's it gonna hurt if she picks up a little more here there right? Yeah, I get it.

 

The thing you need to grasp though, is doesn't operate on a financial Gold Gtandard. She operates on a Vagina Standard. Sex is her currency. Sex is how she pays for her meals and how she pays for her goods and services. Sex is how she gets what she wants from men.

 

As long as you are providing the goods and services she wants from you, you are going to be getting your tank drained. If she wants to pick up a couple more items from some other dude and all it takes is BJ from her, but that doesn't cost you anything and you are basically ok with it, then no harm no foul.

 

But the thing you always need to be aware of, is that she isn't operating like a normal, committed, faithful, loving wife. She is operating on another scale and sexuality is her commodity and currency.

 

As long as you are being a good Husband Appliance and providing what she wants, the sex is going to keep rolling in and if you are ok with her picking up some outside kibbles and bits here and there and tolerating that keeps your sex supply coming in, then so be it.

 

However if she is a BPD'er, you need to always be prepared for that day you come home and her stuff is gone.

 

There is always some dude out there with a bigger checkbook and is a bigger chump than you that will give her a bigger allowance for her shoe fetish or will have a bigger house with a hot tub and will let her invite her skanky friends over for parties and tear the place up more than you.

 

The moment she finds someone that tolerates her crap more and that she will get more out of, she will be gone in an instant. She could literally be all lovey-dovey and everything is wonderful on a weekend and you could come home Wednesday night and her stuff is gone and she will be posting Facebook pictures of her new man and her new house and pool by the following weekend.

 

And print off this post and write down the date because as sure as the sun will rise, her reasons for leaving you that she will be telling on her friends and family and her new guy is that you were "controlling" and you were keeping her under lock and key and that you were always jealous and suspicious and that you wouldn't let her see her friends and that you were always getting in her business and wouldn't let her breathe.

 

You can do what you want and do what you think is best for you and I think a lot of guys would put up with a lot of crap for daily poon. But you gotta be smart and you gotta protect yourself.

 

See a lawyer and know your rights and responsibilities. Find out what you can do now so that when she does leave, she's not taking all your accounts and all your property and retirement and such with her.

 

Have all your resources protected from her so they don't disappear in the night with her.

 

Have a divorce pre-plan in place so when you come home and either find her gone or find some other dude sitting in your comfy chair drinking your beer in his underwear, you can pull the ejection handle right there and be able to walk away.

 

Yes she fun and sexy, but she was deep in the red danger zone of the Hot/Crazy Matrix and she is going to be fun on a Monday and gone on Tuesday.

 

You just need to protect yourself so that when this boils over, she isn't actually taking all of your stuff and all of your money with her and she isn't leaving your bunny sitting in a pot of boiling water.

[stillafool]

What makes you so sure? People do change. She ****ed around in the beginning of our relationship and she owned it. We've had sex almost every day for 3 years. If she were a serial cheater, wouldn't she stop ****ing me? At least for a few days or a week?

 

Women are able to have sex with multiple men in one day. Look at Prostitutes. She may be so highly sexual that she wants it with you and another man too. The fastest way to raise suspicion in a man is to stop or slow down on the sex.

 

Of course she agrees to the test. What would you think if she didn't.

 

Trust me the kid already has a mother so what else does he need your wife for?

[calidad]

Dude this is paranoid thinking. She asked me to let her take the test not the other way around. The truth will come out in the test. A good polygrapher will catch her and it will be over. Or it will come out that she's truthful in which case she does have integrity and just used poor judgment in the beginning when she was coming out of a sexless marriage. I don't really have a problem with that.

 

 

Women are able to have sex with multiple men in one day. Look at Prostitutes. She may be so highly sexual that she wants it with you and another man too. The fastest way to raise suspicion in a man is to stop or slow down on the sex.

 

Of course she agrees to the test. What would you think if she didn't.

 

Trust me the kid already has a mother so what else does he need your wife for?

[calidad]

She was my friend for 18 years before hand. I fell in love with her. I don't believe she's a serial cheater...suspicious yes, but I don't believe that.

 

 

I don't understand why you would marry a serial cheater.

 

This marriage was over before it began. She is going to sleep with the young man.

 

Time to see a lawyer and end this "marriage."

[sandylee1]

Nothing stops her from cheating in the slfuture, even if she passes a poly now though. And you won't be able to do anything unless you catch her red handed will you.

 

Forget the poly and just tell her you're uncomfortable her meeting with him. If my husband was uncomfortable with me meeting up with a man, I wouldn't do it.

 

What exactly do you think they'll be talking about? The latest movies? Yoga positions? Politics? What's the young guys interest in her?

 

You know what it's like to be that age.... what reasons would you be meeting up with an attractive older woman? Lets get real now.

[calidad]

True but here's the thing. If she passes the test, that means she hasn't cheated since everything hit the fan. She's had plenty of opportunity to so it buys us a fresh start. Why would she put herself through that just to start cheating again? A divorce is cheaper and easier. Doesn't make sense.

 

 

Also, one of the questions she'll be asked is "are you considering or planning on cheating with anyone after the polygraph test is over"?

 

 

Nothing stops her from cheating in the slfuture, even if she passes a poly now though. And you won't be able to do anything unless you catch her red handed will you.

 

Forget the poly and just tell her you're uncomfortable her meeting with him. If my husband was uncomfortable with me meeting up with a man, I wouldn't do it.

 

What exactly do you think they'll be talking about? The latest movies? Yoga positions? Politics? What's the young guys interest in her?

 

You know what it's like to be that age.... what reasons would you be meeting up with an attractive older woman? Lets get real now.

[Marc878]

You are working hard at ignoring the red flags and clinging tight to denial.

 

Good luck with that.

[Miyoko]

True but here's the thing. If she passes the test, that means she hasn't cheated since everything hit the fan. She's had plenty of opportunity to so it buys us a fresh start. Why would she put herself through that just to start cheating again? A divorce is cheaper and easier. Doesn't make sense.

 

 

Also, one of the questions she'll be asked is "are you considering or planning on cheating with anyone after the polygraph test is over"?

 

Or, it could mean she did a great job at beating the test.

[BaileyB]

Exactly. It seems that you have already decided that you love this woman and you are informing some big red flags.

 

Hopefully things work out for you because I would not trust this woman at all...

[Mumbles]

As a few posters have said already, it appears that your mind is already made up, to a large degree. Thats fine. Read what Oldshirt said a few posts above again.

 

The choice is really yours, and either way you decide to go is potentially valid. But be real with yourself. Clinging on to something like poly testing is really just lying to yourself. Poly testing is _not_ definitive, but any means, and even if it were, it doesn't say anything about the future and future potential lovers.

 

Why don't you test the waters by bringing up the possibility of opening the relationship. This is not meant to be a trap, but if she responds enthusiastically you could draw a fair amount from that in relation to past possible adventures.

 

Open relationships can work, I'm in one. Mostly the anguish that goes along with posts like this just disappear ... so long as both of you are actually really able to deal ... and this is the ultimate cruncher. Don't agree if you can't accept.

[BaileyB]

Totally agree with oldshirt, you really have to think about any relationship when you get to the point of polygraph testing to try and decide if she is being truthful and faithful to you.

[DKT3]

True but here's the thing. If she passes the test, that means she hasn't cheated since everything hit the fan. She's had plenty of opportunity to so it buys us a fresh start. Why would she put herself through that just to start cheating again? A divorce is cheaper and easier. Doesn't make sense.

 

 

Also, one of the questions she'll be asked is "are you considering or planning on cheating with anyone after the polygraph test is over"?

 

Biggest struggle I had was trying to make an illogical act logical. Why would any married person cheat? Why would they go through the trouble?

[anika99]

What makes you so sure? People do change. She ****ed around in the beginning of our relationship and she owned it. We've had sex almost every day for 3 years. If she were a serial cheater, wouldn't she stop ****ing me? At least for a few days or a week?

 

Yes people can change but your wife doesn't sound like she has changed at all. Cheaters who have true remorse and who really want to change their ways do not get upset when their partner checks up on them or looks at their stuff. They understand that their actions destroyed the trust and they are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the relationship, even if it means no more friends of the opposite sex and that they have to be completely transparent with their partner regarding every aspect of their life.

 

Truly remorseful and reformed cheaters do not continue having flirtatious conversations with the opposite sex. They do not continue to whine and act petulant because their partner expects complete transparency and honesty. Your wife is all about herself and what makes her happy. The nerve of her to close the marriage so that you couldn't have any other women while she continued to have all the men she wanted. Now she says no porn for you while she herself indulges in porn. Really?! She's the one who cheated but she thinks she gets to impose the rules? Even when her rules are hypocritical and in her favor? She sounds narcissistic or borderline.

 

You sound willfully blind. It blew me away when your reply to the comment of your wife is a serial cheater who is incapable of monogamy was "its too early to jump to conclusions". Lol...wtf? If you were sitting on the jury for the trial of a man who had killed 3 people and who after getting caught continued to act shady and secretive, and who also continually showed more concern for his freedom and rights rather than shame and remorse for his actions, would you be ther juror saying "well let's not jump to conclusions" when the other jurors are saying "this man has killed three times and isn't even remorseful, he only thinks about himself. He is likely to kill again so we have to lock him up"

 

Your wife has cheated at least three times and doesn't feel remorse so calling her a serial cheater who is unlikely to ever be monogamous is not jumping to conclusions at all. It's being rational and realistic. I'd say she has probably continued to cheat all along. You say you haven't found any evidence but when unremorseful cheaters get caught they get smarter. It's entirely possible your wife has learned the ropes regarding how to hide affairs, as in burner phones, chat apps, etc. The fact that you say it only took a year to rebuild trust after discovering her cheating with 3 different men indicates that you rugswept the cheating and trust wasn't rebuilt at all (because it takes a lot longer than a year). I think you just got tired of discussing it with her so you decided you would trust her even though she hadn't really earned that trust.

[calidad]

Hi Mumbles,

 

 

Thanks for your perspective. I actually have floated opening the relationship in the past. She instantly says no, I'm not interested in anyone else. I think though she really doesn't like the idea of me seeing other women. Hard to tell if she does or does not want to see other men.

 

 

As a few posters have said already, it appears that your mind is already made up, to a large degree. Thats fine. Read what Oldshirt said a few posts above again.

 

The choice is really yours, and either way you decide to go is potentially valid. But be real with yourself. Clinging on to something like poly testing is really just lying to yourself. Poly testing is _not_ definitive, but any means, and even if it were, it doesn't say anything about the future and future potential lovers.

 

Why don't you test the waters by bringing up the possibility of opening the relationship. This is not meant to be a trap, but if she responds enthusiastically you could draw a fair amount from that in relation to past possible adventures.

 

Open relationships can work, I'm in one. Mostly the anguish that goes along with posts like this just disappear ... so long as both of you are actually really able to deal ... and this is the ultimate cruncher. Don't agree if you can't accept.