Falling apart

[Eve_02]

I'm in my early 30s. Married, with children.

 

I've been having an affair the whole time.

 

I met my OM when I was 18. We were FWB for 4yrs. He wasn't into relationships and he wasn't the kind of guy you'd settle down with (different girl every week).

 

I met my now husband when I was 21 and we married when I was 23. The OM and I had a 2yr break from about 23-24 due mostly to distance. We texted though.

 

The last I'd say 7yrs the affair became more intense. To the point I was seeing him multiple times per week.

 

He's never been very caring. He never texts me first unless it's a link to a porno that he wants me to act out. Feeling self conscious about my mum body I accepted that I had to be more daring than his single no kids girls to maintain his attention. I'm very ashamed that there's nothing on porn we haven't done. I'm a shell of a person because of it. It's degrading and hurts and I feel so used.

 

I want out. I don't like him. I don't like me. I really don't like living a lie. I've been doing it so long. At first it was nice to think someone wanted me sexually. But it's so clear he never did. It was a power trip for him. He still has different girls every week. A lot of the time I'm with him he's texting them and telling me how I don't stack up physically to them.

 

He says the sex with me is the best. But he lies a lot.

 

He cuts me off a lot. 'F*ck off' and then silence. For weeks. Then 'my c*ck needs sucking when you've sorted your sh*t out'. My sh*t being calling him out for treating me with such contempt.

 

He's cut me off again. Well I started it. He'd told me it was just me. He wasn't seeing anyone else. I believed him. Until I found a box of condoms in the bath with one missing. I put together my things and whispered to him in bed as I was leaving that if he's going to lie he should cover his tracks better. He texted me some 20mins later saying he wanted to film me having a go at him cos I get a sexy look in my eye. I didn't reply.

 

A few days later I texted him as I'd had a big week. He told me I've fallen in love and I've ruined it and to f*ck off.

 

I'm not in love with him. How could I be in love with someone who I don't even like?? I hate how he treats me. I'm too weak to give him up.

 

I've sent a bunch of texts explaining that I'm sad at how cold he is, but I get nowhere. He holds all the power. He knows it. He always has.

 

I know the answer. No contact. I've deleted and blocked him at least twice over the past 24hrs only to almost immediately unblock.

 

I also know the answer is counselling. Why am I a people pleaser. Why do I strive for his approval when as a person I mean nothing to him and he makes no illusion about it. I have issues in geographical isolation makong counselling hard. Is there a free online version- that's how I ended up here..

 

There has been no d day. No anything. The OM has a phone full of pictures and videos of me. Easily hundreds. I'd say that's partly why I try to keep him happy, but I think it's more when he's mad I feel a sickness to my stomach.

 

Self esteem is an issue. For at least 20yrs.

 

I don't know what advice I'm looking for. I chose this lonely self destructive path. i chose it with the most emotionally void person I'd met. Am I the calculating user? Am I projecting blame onto him when he's just as much a victim?

 

My husband. My children. What have I done.

[BuddyX]

Your husband and kids are the victims.

 

How low is your self esteem to put up with his abuse. Usually we have a cheater who will do anything for a fix. But he just degrades you. Ouch. You get nothing out if this. "Suck my c**ck" is not a great pick up line.

 

Time to go NC. Tell your husband. And get tested.

[BaileyB]

That is a lonely and destructive path. I'm sorry for your pain. What you have described is a lifetime of self destructive decisions... It's disturbing to read.

 

I have no advice except to say, you know what the problems are and what the answer must be - you must end it with this man and get into some intensive counselling. You will need to tell your husband because I have no doubt this man will send those pictures/videos to your husband if he is as morally bankrupt as you say. I would consult a lawyer to do what you can to try and limit the release of those pictures/videos on the Internet or to your husband. And you need to get tested for STDs.

 

His behavior to you has been emotionally and sexually abusive. The fact that you have allowed this to happen is self destructive. What you have done is terribly unfair to your husband and your children. It needs to stop, today! I hope you can find some healing and happiness.

Edited February 23, 2017 by BaileyB

[HeCantBreakMe]

I have read some sad stories on here and this is up there.

 

This guy sounds like a total jacka** . You do need counseling you also need to recognize that just because you have allowed this thing to happen it does not define who you are as a person. You also need to realize your actions are not just destroying you are they are destroying your family.

 

You need to get away from him. Start counseling right away because i think you need support to get you through this. Is there someone else you can talk to?

[FoundMyStrength]

I'll be honest. This guy sounds like a "dominant", sexually. He gets off on telling you want he wants you to do to him, and then having you follow his orders. He gets off on degrading you and having you come back for more. He gets off on having you do all the nasty things he's seen in the latest porno he's watched. He's got a bit of a sadist streak in him.

 

There are people who are into being submissive, into being dominated. It makes them sexually excited. You don't sound like one of those people. And this doesn't sound like a mutually agreed sexual dynamic.

 

You should get away from him. This has to be doing heaps of damage to you psychologically. Find a way to get away. Block him. Change your number. Do whatever you need to do to make sure he CAN'T contact you.

[jah526]

I feel for you. I read a lot of stories on here where the MM is really good to his affair partner, and it is understandable why the OW stays. I've read far fewer where the AP is terrible to the other one, and it is hard to understand why the other person stays. I'm one of those people who was treated badly, and I'm not even sure myself why I couldn't get out. I finally did, but it was tough.

 

I think it becomes an addiction of sorts. It's the trying to salvage some self-worth from the person who took it from you. I wasn't in counseling for long but one thing I took from it - something about this relationship feels familiar to you. There wasn't abuse in my family that I can remember, but I did have a dominant and domineering parent. Compounding the problem, I am very submissive, so having someone tell me what to do gave me direction and meaning. At some point I decided the only worth I had was when I was of use to someone. The more someone puts you down and degrades you, the harder you try to measure up, so that you can be worthy. It's a horrible, vicious cycle.

 

The only way out is to cut contact. It truly is. I had to change my phone number. I had a difficult first month where I had all sorts of feelings, from euphoria to guilt for believing I was hurting him. I really felt like I was going crazy with withdrawal. But now, almost 2 months out, I know I can do without him. I know I'm a good person in my own right and I don't need to prove my worth to someone so undeserving of my efforts. I'm more at peace than I've been in a long time.

 

The first step is to get away so you can clear your head. Get some support where you can - be it family, friends, or counseling. There are some wonderful people here too who have the experience and battle scars to prove it. The advice I got here helped me enormously.

 

Please know that you are worthy, and that you do not need the acceptance of someone like that. Take the first step and cut him off.

[sandylee1]

What a mess.

 

Clearly marriage doesn't mean much to you and I see those videos and pics being used to keep you servicing his sexual desires.

 

This won't end well. How do you manage to see him so often and isn't this double life taking it's toll on you?

 

You don't seem to have any guilt for being unfaithful throughout your marriage.

[Eve_02]

Thankyou to all who read and replied.

 

No holds barred, I need to hear it all.

 

I will try my best to answer the questions posed-

 

1. I've been tested a couple of times. He uses this as power - 'see I can f*ck who I want, I choose them carefully'

 

2. My children are school aged, I work part time in a well paying career. However yes I am exhausted and always feel like I'm not pleasing anyone; not fulfilling any of my roles.

 

3. I cannot hold my husbands gaze. I cannot look him in the eye because I know he's married a broken mess. The guilt is there, but I push it out of my mind lest it eats me alive. We are picture perfect on the outside, never trust the image.

 

My family would disown me were it to come out. Yet knowing it will come out is a noose around my neck.

 

No contact would work, i know it would as he never reaches out to me. I've seen the threads that they always come looking back but I genuinely believe he's the type to move on and forget simultaneously. Which is certainly one small mercy.

 

The vids and pics always sit in the back of my mind. I've had elaborate plans to watch for his passcode and delete them while he's showering but in the moment.. In the moment I just do nothing.

 

I'm slowly numbing my way to letting go. The addiction. Find a new hobby for my self loathing. God knows that's how people must have invented golf or sky diving.

 

I appreciate the advice of others who have been there.

 

My story is a mess. My pathetic acceptance of gas lighting and psychological manipulation astounds even me. I too came from a controlling parent, highly critical and nothing I ever did was good enough. Bullied horrendously in school. He is, of course, extremely attractive. Yet so ugly. He's respectful and gentle and caring to his other girls though. I know this cos he texts me by mistake instead of them a lot and the tone, the smiling emojis, it's like a different person. The questions about their day cos he *actually* cares about them as people. I stop breathing when the reality of how little I am hits me.

 

It will be a long road.

[freengreen]

I'm in my early 30s. Married, with children.

 

I've been having an affair the whole time.

 

I met my OM when I was 18. We were FWB for 4yrs. He wasn't into relationships and he wasn't the kind of guy you'd settle down with (different girl every week).

 

I met my now husband when I was 21 and we married when I was 23. The OM and I had a 2yr break from about 23-24 due mostly to distance. We texted though.

 

The last I'd say 7yrs the affair became more intense. To the point I was seeing him multiple times per week.

 

He's never been very caring. He never texts me first unless it's a link to a porno that he wants me to act out. Feeling self conscious about my mum body I accepted that I had to be more daring than his single no kids girls to maintain his attention. I'm very ashamed that there's nothing on porn we haven't done. I'm a shell of a person because of it. It's degrading and hurts and I feel so used.

 

I want out. I don't like him. I don't like me. I really don't like living a lie. I've been doing it so long. At first it was nice to think someone wanted me sexually. But it's so clear he never did. It was a power trip for him. He still has different girls every week. A lot of the time I'm with him he's texting them and telling me how I don't stack up physically to them.

 

He says the sex with me is the best. But he lies a lot.

 

He cuts me off a lot. 'F*ck off' and then silence. For weeks. Then 'my c*ck needs sucking when you've sorted your sh*t out'. My sh*t being calling him out for treating me with such contempt.

 

He's cut me off again. Well I started it. He'd told me it was just me. He wasn't seeing anyone else. I believed him. Until I found a box of condoms in the bath with one missing. I put together my things and whispered to him in bed as I was leaving that if he's going to lie he should cover his tracks better. He texted me some 20mins later saying he wanted to film me having a go at him cos I get a sexy look in my eye. I didn't reply.

 

A few days later I texted him as I'd had a big week. He told me I've fallen in love and I've ruined it and to f*ck off.

 

I'm not in love with him. How could I be in love with someone who I don't even like?? I hate how he treats me. I'm too weak to give him up.

 

I've sent a bunch of texts explaining that I'm sad at how cold he is, but I get nowhere. He holds all the power. He knows it. He always has.

 

I know the answer. No contact. I've deleted and blocked him at least twice over the past 24hrs only to almost immediately unblock.

 

I also know the answer is counselling. Why am I a people pleaser. Why do I strive for his approval when as a person I mean nothing to him and he makes no illusion about it. I have issues in geographical isolation makong counselling hard. Is there a free online version- that's how I ended up here..

 

There has been no d day. No anything. The OM has a phone full of pictures and videos of me. Easily hundreds. I'd say that's partly why I try to keep him happy, but I think it's more when he's mad I feel a sickness to my stomach.

 

Self esteem is an issue. For at least 20yrs.

 

I don't know what advice I'm looking for. I chose this lonely self destructive path. i chose it with the most emotionally void person I'd met. Am I the calculating user? Am I projecting blame onto him when he's just as much a victim?

 

My husband. My children. What have I done.

why did you do this yourself?. I mean letting this man suck your self worth dry for 7 yrs... Please find a RELIABLE help for your self esteem issues, this affair of yours has counter acted on it.

 

Get away, run and run fast towards yourself because you will lose her if you dont.

[imsosad]

I really feel for you. You sound very sad and lonely.

You describe a pathology too deep to be an isolated issue or relationship. It might manifest itself in a more extreme manner in this "affair" but I am pretty certain that there is similar dysfunction in other areas of your life as well.

What is going on with your husband? He is totally absent from your narrative. Do you feel anything towards him? How is relationship with your children? Do you have close friends? Close family members?

Your story reads to me as a cold, harrowing void being filled in the worst possible way.

Going No Contact is obviously a must, but it is not enough. You have to figure out deeper issues within you, and it has to be done with the support and guidance of a professional.

Have you ever suffered depression? you write in a very resigned, defeated, passive manner which often fits depression. Depression isn't always not being able to get out of bed. You may be a high functioning depressed woman.

You wrote something that strikes me as odd. You wrote you found condoms in the OM's bathroom and it pissed you off. Why? You claim to have no emotional connection to him, you say you want nothing from him. Why were you upset to learn he's seeing other people? What about this relationship made you think you were the only one?

There are so many questions. Were you in love with your husband when you married? Do you love him? Are you capable of feeling now or are you numb? Is your husband also abusive towards you? What are you getting out of this sick,twisted relationship? Do you have a support system to get you through this?

I wish you lots of luck, I hope you will commit yourself to figuring out this mess and coming out on the other side stronger for it, but it will take a lot of work, support and counselling.

What is your plan moving forward?

[BaileyB]

Your post reads like it was written by a psychologist, every behavior understood and labeled correctly with a complete understanding of why it's happening and what you need to do to solve it. And yet, your post is almost completely devoid of emotion.

 

I don't understand how someone who has such an excellent grasp of the situation can continue to put themselves in such a terrible position.

 

If you know there is a problem, and you know what to do about it - do it!

 

If he never contacts you and you are the once who continues the affair, why are you still calling him? For goodness sake, why would someone go back time and time and time again for this kind of pain and mistreatment.

 

I don't get it, at all. You need to accept responsibility for you actions, tell your family, and deal with the consequences. This is beyond disturbing.

[jah526]

My story is a mess. My pathetic acceptance of gas lighting and psychological manipulation astounds even me. I too came from a controlling parent, highly critical and nothing I ever did was good enough. Bullied horrendously in school. He is, of course, extremely attractive. Yet so ugly. He's respectful and gentle and caring to his other girls though. I know this cos he texts me by mistake instead of them a lot and the tone, the smiling emojis, it's like a different person. The questions about their day cos he *actually* cares about them as people. I stop breathing when the reality of how little I am hits me.

 

This sounds very similar to my story. I wouldn't be so quick to assume he cares for these other girls though. It's just that he feels comfortable enough with you to take the mask off. You know who he really is, and it is dark and ugly.

 

This is embarrassing to admit but a few times after my AP and I slept together he did not want to be seen with me so I had to follow behind and watch him be courteous and gentlemanly to other women - holding the door for them, flirting with them, etc. That was the masked persona though.

 

Can you imagine the effort it takes though to keep that mask on all the time? He needs the outlet, and that outlet is you.

 

Give yourself a gift of being alone or around others who are good to you. Get to know yourself and appreciate your good qualities. You are not trapped anymore with people who are going to treat you badly. As an adult you get to choose who to let in your life and who to keep out.

[HeCantBreakMe]

You know I was thinking about this last night- these MM who are they really? Honestly I feel that at least the guy in this story, as big of a dick as he is, is at least being real with the OP.

 

The guys like my xMM who claimed love - what was the difference if at the end of the day he claimed love but really meant "come suck my c***" . They are all the same, the abuse is the same, what we allow is the same, it just may be packaged differently.

[Southern Sun]

I will come back when I have more time, but this is the behavior of a psychologically and sexually abusive man. And whether you understand it or not, what he has done is very much contributing to your difficulty in getting "out." That is part of the game.

 

This does not absolve you of the responsibility of hurting your husband and children. This is very complicated. On the one hand, you are in an abusive relationship (which you shouldn't have been in in the first place). On the other, you are betraying your husband. Both are true.

 

You need help and fast. Can you get into counseling? Someone who specializes in abusive relationships? That is the first thing you need to do. This is a situation that needs triage.

[Sampson]

Eve_02

 

Check out and start reading, look for a counselor who specializes in infidelity. I would start with independent counseling first before beginning marriage counseling.

 

I am a betrayed so I am a huge proponent of the truth and confessing to begin a authentic true life together. My wayward wife had 3 affairs over half our marriage (nearly 20yrs). So much was unearthed both how I was treated how she treated herself, she is a different person almost 2 years post first solid proof of her infidelity and a year past the final confession. She was able to authentically start working on herself and her marriage without shadows or fear in her life trying to control and manipulate the outcome.

 

This is no way to live your life, and you see that. Watching your family grow, succeeding in their own lives while always taking a low view of yourself. Get out in front of it. Change your life. It will be painful, it will be grueling, but this is not a mess that has to define who you are in the future. Change!!!!

 

I wish I had more time to write a better post. Maybe I will return later when I have had a chance to chew on some ideas. Start really looking hard and deep at everything.

 

Like, the pictures, you want to destroy them. But you can never be sure they won't return or be used against you. So lets be honest no matter what you do it is there and will forever be fear of it unearthing (time bomb). So how do you fix this? You be the one to change, confess, get out in front of the bomb and defuse it.

 

Confessing sounds so hard, hurtful, unfair, but in reality those are protections you place on yourself. Don't use the term confession to feel like you are a criminal, but think of it as admitting there is a problem and you want to change that problem for the better and live a different life.

 

Here are some reading and a video, I think will be helpful.

 

Not Just Friends by Dr. Glass

http://a.co/ifMmnId

 

The Gifts of Imprefections by Rene Brown

http://a.co/cfeK9jE

 

You might want to watch this video it's a TED talk.

[Taxed]

My opinion would be an echo of the sentiment of other people in this thread - you need help ASAP, not just to get away from him but also counselling. You mention bullying and you sound like you suffer from a low selfworth, to the point of self-loathing. I am very worried about you and your well being, but I am also happy that you have seeked advice here in this forum. Please stay with us. You sound almost as if you suffer from Stockholm Syndrome or PTSD, have you considered looking into this?

[Eve_02]

Again, thankyou all for your thoughts.

 

I am writing in a very cold, detached manner. I think it's perhaps my auto pilot and many years of writing patient record entries - painting the picture, being objective, showing the clinical reasoning etc.

 

My husband is my friend. I don't have any close friends. I know the research is out there that women without close female friends are far more likely to have affairs. I believe that.

 

He loves me. Like no one ever has. I have let him down. In the worst possible way. I can go on about how my own issues with self worth and self esteem made me feel unlovable, made me feel a fraud anyway, made me not trust his authenticity, why me? How could he? Why does he not see the cracks and crevices and ugliness that I know is me that I know everyone else saw? He will see one day and he will leave. What I do won't matter because im already a fraud.

Do my thought patterns sound familiar? I found an OM who hates me as much as I do. Who reinforces how I feel about myself. How dare someone treat me that way. Yet I do it to myself all day.

 

I appreciate those who are worried about me, however I am not suicidal. I've thought many many times but I know I don't have the conviction, and I know the life sentence it would place on my children.

 

I agree, I need a psychologist. My dilemma is I need one very far away and very private. I guess the practicality has been my stumbling block.

 

I have been with the OM nearly half my life. He gets a kick out of that.

 

The condom in the bath incident hurt me because he had said not half an hour before that I was the only one he was seeing. He lied. I know this is ridiculous but I thought he was the only person I was genuine with, and that he could be his genuine self with me. I thought that was our thing. Turns out he lies to me. All my cards have always been on the table. Every word he's ever said was then bought into question. He did pump my tyres sometimes, telling me I was hot, admiring me in my dress, my shoes, complimenting my style, all lies. Telling me I look better than the girls in porn. All lies. All. Lies.

 

There really shouldn't be anything left. I'm not a person, I'm not a set of holes (don't worry I was just that for a long time and I even came to accept that being his set of holes was still a 'win' for me because it still meant he wanted me), I'm not anything. Sometimes I wonder what I am in his phone. I prefer not knowing.

 

This is indeed no way to live. But the familiarity. It's all I've known for so long.

 

I have a lot of reading to do- I appreciate the links. I agree taking the bull by the horns would give me a sense of action and control I haven't known before. Losing it all is a very real consequence of very poor decision making from an emotionally immature mind. I admire every single one of you who have been through and come out the other side of infidelity. Your courage is my strength right now, it will promo me to act and each baby step is at least a change from the stagnation. I've dug my way towards hell and feel I passed the point of no return many years ago. Yet I look up and still see the beautiful faces of my children and know I need to do it for them.

[Eve_02]

I have attempted self diagnosis many times. As much as I'd *prefer* PTSD or similar as it invokes a more 'normal' reaction to 'abnormal' environment, I see a lot of my characteristics in BPD. Am I the waif. The hopeless helpless victim who finds the worst ways to mend their broken pieces? Maybe. Or is thinking I'm BPD just playing into his narrative that I am the crazy one. Am I crazy? To have gone around in circles for literally years I certainly can't be sane.

 

My life in other areas is really quite normal, well I think so. I am a well respected professional, my house is well kept, The household has a routine and chores all get done. I present well enough, probably over dressed (ie everyone is in leggings and t shirts, I'm in a figure hugging dress and stilettos) if I were to be honest. It's my social mask, but don't we all have one? Despite my work involving talking to people all day long and building rapport and trust, I'm socially awkward and at times cripplingly shy. Dressing myself apart makes me a little less approachable so 'small talk' is avoided. I don't really have any activities I 'enjoy' though and depression could well be applicable.

 

I apologise for the tangential self analysis. I knew posting here would get me thinking and I do feel I need to examine my thoughts and actions hard, but of course without direction it too will be self defeating.

 

I appreciate the time of everyone who offers their thoughts, it helps knowing that some of the things I think are not isolated to the recesses of my own mind.

[freengreen]

I think when in an A we all act in a way that is not us otherwise. The other day I was taking a personality test and I got shocked that I kept swinging between two answers ( mostly contradicting each other) for almost all questions. The A had induced another self into me.

 

I can imagine what your A has done to you in 7 yrs and that too with a sociopath.

 

You need professional help to get the fake self out. To build your self esteem not just around work but even when you are alone and looking into a mirror.

[confusingme]

Hi EV-02, I can read your helpless between your lines.

I'm not going to tell you how wrong you have done, as I have been there too. And as I can tell you yourself know you have done everything wrong.

 

If you don't want to do counsel, I strongly suggest you to read books. I have benefited so much from reading.

 

Next time when he calls you, just try to focus on something else, reading, watching some dumb TV show. Give your self a day or two before you reply to him.

 

You need to exercise your emotional power. It's gonna be extremely difficult especially when you have been in this for sooo long.

 

I feel your pain and feel bad for you because you stated that you had been having self-esteem problems for 20 years.

 

This is serious.

 

You need to work on YOURSELF, then the affair problem. You need to know who you are, where you came from.

Edited February 25, 2017 by confusingme

[BaileyB]

Eve,

 

As I read your self analysis of the situation, I am left wondering what exactly it is exactly that you want for your life? You have a very thorough analysis of the situation, but almost no mention of what you want in the future.

 

Do you want to end the affair with the OM or do you plan to continue?

 

If you want the affair to end, what is the barrier that keeps you from ending the relationship?

 

And, you must know of course, that anything shared in a counselling session is confidential. Fins someone you trust, who has some experience with infidelity. Counselling is a must!

[Southern Sun]

Read:

 

Who's Pulling Your Strings? How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life (by Harriet Braiker)

 

Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse (by Shannon Thomas)

 

Just two off the top of my head.

 

Yes, you must deal with the infidelity component, but you absolutely HAVE to break free of this toxic relationship with OM.

 

I have no idea if you're BPD or not (you are referencing Borderline? I assume so since you said waif). I will agree though with another poster that being involved with an abusive partner will bring out the "crazy" in you. It does not actually mean you have an undiagnosed character/personality disorder though. It is part of what people like that do...they actually manipulate situations to bring about certain emotional reactions, to make you feel like the messed up one. And over time, the level of anxiety, depression, and self-doubt that they create really does destroy a person. I'd like to point out that typically the one who asks if they have a problem is NOT the one with the REAL problem. Those people usually don't ask. What they do is working for them.

[deadsoul]

I feel your pain OP. I hope you are able to find the strength to end this and get counseling. It all sounds so easy to do, right? You have a long history of self-defeating behaviors and feelings and it is going to take time to change your thinking.

 

You are worth more and you can be more. You wouldn't reach out here if you didn't want those things.

 

I hope you are able to take those steps. The first ones are the hardest, but I believe in you.

[malvern99]

I have a lot of reading to do- I appreciate the links. I agree taking the bull by the horns would give me a sense of action and control I haven't known before. Losing it all is a very real consequence of very poor decision making from an emotionally immature mind. I admire every single one of you who have been through and come out the other side of infidelity. Your courage is my strength right now, it will promo me to act and each baby step is at least a change from the stagnation. I've dug my way towards hell and feel I passed the point of no return many years ago. Yet I look up and still see the beautiful faces of my children and know I need to do it for them.

 

What is different between now and the other times you've tried to quit OM? What has changed... it can't be the fact that he was "cheating" on you because you've acknowledged you knew he had other women all along. If nothing changes now, you will find yourself right back in the hole you dug yourself in no time. In order to break free, you must think outside the box, because honestly, expecting a different outcome with the same tired input is kind of crazy. Garbage in, garbage out.

 

You also have to be honest with yourself and with your family if you truly want to make progress. They deserve to know the true state of their lives just as much as you do. Give your husband the opportunity to decide what he wants to do with the truth because at the end of the day, he is the victim in your situation. Consequences are a natural part of life, and as adults, we must be willing to accept them for our actions. The time to be afraid of consequences isn't a decade into an affair. It is before the affair begins. All you really have left to do now is ask your husband for help to get you out of the hole you've dug for yourself. Good luck.

 

As an aside, are your kids 100% your husband's?