Mother in law issues

[Newlywed83]

Hey I need to vent a little and get some advice. My mother in law is driving me up the wall. Let me start off by saying I love her to death but some things need to change before I resent her for the rest of my life. Ok, it all started when we first got married and she wanted to invite everyone she had ever said hi to to our wedding when we wanted a small one. We ended up having a destination wedding to keep it a simple family ceremony. She wanted to choose my wedding song, she picked lilies for my bouquet, etc. You get the idea. Now she is way to involved in our marriage. She calls all the time and wants to know what we are doing. She talks to us like we are still children. "Wear your seatbelt, mow the lawn, don't do this, don't do that." I've told my husband it bothers me and he is getting better about telling her no and its our decision not hers but sometimes he gets mad at me. She demands that we do stuff with her on holidays we even had to visit her on Valentine's day! We owe her some money when things beyond our control happened and we couldn't pay for repairs and now I regret it because I feel like we will be in debt to her and she will hold it over our heads. She is constantly telling us we better not have kids for years. I feel like she is a part of every aspect of our lives and I just want to keep some things private. She hates her mother in law(my husbands grandmother) because she is nosy and she never tells her anything about her or us because she says it is none of her business but she is doing the same thing to us. Anyone in a similar boat or any good advice givers have any suggestions?

[kinder]

Actually I have been in a very similar situation. We were not married though. My exes mother got in our lives like your husbands mother is in yours. He broke up with me because of his mom. I would complain to him about his mother like you are to your husband and I eventually stopped as I could see it was starting to bother him. I would just suck it up, it was very very hard. He could see what his mother was doing but he is a moms boy and he picked her over me. He just did not have enough balls to stick up for us and chose to get rid of me. It was the easiest to get rid of. Since I have looked back at the relationship I see what I would have done. If I were you I would keep a lot to myself and just tell my friends or whoever I trusted. You have to realize that he is in a tuff situation between the one he loves and his mother. He should stick up for you to his mother but at the same time you have to realize that it is tough for him to. I talked to his mom myself about stuff but it was to late since to much had already gone on. Try talking to his mom yourself with the permission of your husband. My ex agreed that I should call his mom so I did. It worked for awhile but my ex obviously had enough. Don't get me wrong there was other issues between us as well. Good Luck. i feel for you and understand how you feel completely.

[kinder]

I forgot to mention some other stuff and you also have to think about your future.

 

Is all of it worth letting it get to you?

 

Is there somethings you can put up with from his mom?

 

Can you write things down to yourself just so you get it out and you don't have to tell your husband?

 

I see a lot now that I would not have let get to me. I know it all adds up after awhile but honestly it's not all big stuff and you can let some go. Write it down and keep it to yourself. A lot of the time I was just venting about his mother to him but could have written it done and saved a lot of hassle and conflict. Small things end up looking big because of all the other things that area big deal. Honestly, I wish I would have been this smart about this earlier rather then now.

[EndoftheRope]

My in-laws live 7,000 miles away. I highly recommend it!

 

My parents live about a mile away, and my mom can be a bit the same way. In fact, H and I are both pretty sure we're living in our current house because it's the one SHE liked. I was finishing obligations in Washington while he moved ahead to the midwest to start his new job; he and 3 of the kids lived with my parents, and he felt obligated to let her come along house hunting, since she was providing him with room, board, and babysitting. Absolutely nothing pleased her till this one, and we both know her well enough to know there'd be no end to the criticism of whatever house we picked. She absolutely wears people down with her complaints. It was easier just to go with it.

 

My first thought is that your husband really has to be the one to stand up for the two of you. It is his place to talk to his family. My second thought is that that means I'm the one who needs to talk to my mother, and that is incredibly hard to do because she goes into the self-pitying mode and I know everyone in the entire family will hear about it for the next 13 years, that I was so mean. Fortunately, my mom is too involved in her church activities to put too much energy into us.

 

Fortunately also, H and I are on the same page. We do visit on every holiday (although not Valentine's Day! ) and if she gets irritable or gripey, we just find an excuse to leave. It's kept it pretty bearable.

 

Good luck. In-law issues are hard. Even from 7,000 miles away, my sister in law has wreaked horrible havoc in ours.

[goodluck]

Do whatever you have to do to pay her back as fast as possible! Then put your foot down. She won't like it, but she'll learn that she has to back off or risk losing her son and any future grandchildren. You and your husband need to present a united front on this.

 

Originally posted by Newlywed83

She hates her mother in law(my husbands grandmother) because she is nosy and she never tells her anything about her or us because she says it is none of her business but she is doing the same thing to us. Anyone in a similar boat or any good advice givers have any suggestions?

 

Try cozying up to her MIL (your husband's grandmother right?) and give her the 'scoop' on you and your husband so that 'grandmother' can flaunt it to your MIL and drive her crazy and keep her busy enough to stay out of your hair for a while!

 

When she calls and asks what you are doing sigh and say "just a minute, he's on an upthrust now and I've almost orgasmed -- call me back later" and hang the phone up!

 

Does she dislike animals? Get a dog and call it her 'grand-dog' and everytime she calls go on and on about the cute things her grand-dog did that day. Don't forget to describe the dog's poop and ask if she thinks you should take said dog to the vet for worms. Offer to bring over a sample for her to see. Has she ever given you a nice gift like an electric toothbrush? Thank her profusly for it and tell her it is really helping you keep your dogs teeth clean.

 

Give her a bunch of stupid stuff to complain about and when she does - laugh about it. Find out what colors she hates most, and what styles of clothes she hates most - and always wear those things around her. Next Valentine's day show up in a dominatrix outfit -- NO! Have your HUSBAND show up in the collars and chains and leathers, and YOU carry the whip and wear the stilletos!

 

 

Give her something to complain about that is not important to you. Then when she calms down some tell her you will compromise and go with what would be your own choice anyway--but she'll think she is guiding you. That's what I do with my MIL because that woman will never change and I get a good laugh and I get my way! My husband is fully supportive of this and comes up with his own ideas too since he knows her better than I do.