LDR, wife forbids me in going to sports.

[mermer]

Ladies and Gentlemen. I need your advices please.

 

I am married with my childhood friend, and long time lover.

we were LDR ever since.

I am in japan and she in US.

 

now, she has attitude that she wants us to things together but we cannot do anything about it now because we are still waiting for us to be together which is taking too long. next year.

 

however, I just want to go for sports (snowboarding) and she won't let me or threaten to leave me. I am not going with people with only girls, most men. different of my age, I only go because i love the sport, and for my hobby.

 

she is veeery angry to me. I know I might be selfish because I am still trying to convince her to understand that I want to go.

 

Winter is gonna end, I missed 2-3 times invites from my friend bec. she didn't want.

when I ask her, she only says I decide. but then get angry.

I do not know if I will still go today or not. I already reserved for expenses. I do not go out always, no vices, dont even drink. its been a while I will go out to go sports...

 

Help. I need advice, should I go or not? she would divorce me if I did go.

 

she says I am immature and doesn't prioritize my relationship and family. but I always do.

 

Help! should I disobey?

 

I have done all the things I can to prove my love for her.

I have compromised a lot of things.

I just dont know if this situation is good or bad...

 

 

And really, I know this is very immature. and I know this is ridiculous... im sorry

Edited February 24, 2017 by mermer

[BaileyB]

Perhaps I'm not understanding, what exactly is her objection?

 

Does she think because you want to go snowboarding that you are missing time with family? But - you don't even live in the same country now? Is that correct?

 

And, how often do you go snowboarding?

 

I will say, I don't feel like I have the right to tell my boyfriend who he should or should not see or what he should or should not do (within reason - obviously, it would not be ok if he went out drinking and stayed out all night, for example). And, neither does he have the right to tell me that I can't go out with my friends to do something I love to do.

 

Relationships are about loving each other and supporting each other to live a wonderful life. Her attitude, threatening to divorce you because you want to go snowboarding, seems a little extreme.

[mermer]

Perhaps I'm not understanding, what exactly is her objection?

 

Does she think because you want to go snowboarding that you are missing time with family? But - you don't even live in the same country now? Is that correct?

 

And, how often do you go snowboarding?

 

I will say, I don't feel like I have the right to tell my boyfriend who he should or should not see or what he should or should not do (within reason - obviously, it would not be ok if he went out drinking and stayed out all night, for example). And, neither does he have the right to tell me that I can't go out with my friends to do something I love to do.

 

Relationships are about loving each other and supporting each other to live a wonderful life. Her attitude, threatening to divorce you because you want to go snowboarding, seems a little extreme.

 

Thanks,

 

I go once every year.

[BaileyB]

Then, unless I'm really missing something, she should tell you to have fun and you should go snowboarding. Her reaction is definitely extreme. Is she this controlling in other aspects of life?

 

Why are you even needing your wife's permission to go anyway...

[mightycpa]

And you can't wait to be together?

[mermer]

Then, unless I'm really missing something, she should tell you to have fun and you should go snowboarding. Her reaction is definitely extreme. Is she this controlling in other aspects of life?

 

Why are you even needing your wife's permission to go anyway...

 

I do not want to say bad about her though. but I admit that she has been like that since we were still dating. I have missed few opportunity projects because she did not want me to go or etc.

 

Thats the funny thing, I want to be honest with her and tell her I want to go or do something but then there are times she disagrees and threatened me with the same separate thing.

 

I have have been serious with my job and I wanted to have a day off for the things I lie.

[mermer]

And you can't wait to be together?

 

haha.

 

but the thing is, is it good to do some stuff you want to do even your partner is against it for some unjustifiable reason?

[BaileyB]

You don't even live in the same country, what you do with your own time should be your own business...

 

A healthy partner, would encourage you to do the things that you enjoy doing, as long as it doesn't impact the family in a negative way. Part of being a healthy person in a relationship, is being able to have your own friends and your own interests...

 

If my partner threatened to divorce me if I chose to go snowboarding for the weekend, when she wasn't even living in the same country and available to spend time together, I would tell her to talk to her lawyer and send me the paperwork... It's ridiculous!

 

Why would you want to be with such a controlling woman?

[basil67]

My husband would have no hesitation in standing up to me if I tried to pull a stunt like this. And yes, it's good that he stands up to me if I overstep the mark.

 

Look, it's not like you're abandoning her at home to go snowboarding all the time. I say that you should be able to go snowboarding with your mates as often as you want while the two of you are long distance.

 

She's controlling you with threats of divorce. Left unchecked, she will continue on this path of controlling your life. You need to stand up to her.

[mermer]

You don't even live in the same country, what you do with your own time should be your own business...

 

A healthy partner, would encourage you to do the things that you enjoy doing, as long as it doesn't impact the family in a negative way. Part of being a healthy person in a relationship, is being able to have your own friends and your own interests...

 

If my partner threatened to divorce me if I chose to go snowboarding for the weekend, when she wasn't even living in the same country and available to spend time together, I would tell her to talk to her lawyer and send me the paperwork... It's ridiculous!

 

Why would you want to be with such a controlling woman?

 

 

Hi BaileyB,

 

Thats is a question I have been asking myself the whole time.

I have not been controlling, actually I encourage my partner to experience more things in order to grow more and know more. That is why I get disappointed I do not get the mutual reaction.

But I do not expect anything from her and I loved the way she is. not everything, but many things.

 

I maybe be stupid or idiot I admit it. I know myself there are many women out there.

[mermer]

My husband would have no hesitation in standing up to me if I tried to pull a stunt like this. And yes, it's good that he stands up to me if I overstep the mark.

 

Look, it's not like you're abandoning her at home to go snowboarding all the time. I say that you should be able to go snowboarding with your mates as often as you want while the two of you are long distance.

 

She's controlling you with threats of divorce. Left unchecked, she will continue on this path of controlling your life. You need to stand up to her.

 

Dear basil67,

 

I agree with you. I agree..thanks..

[NTV]

Maybe she's seeing someone else she wants to be with more often while you are separated. Maybe she wants any excuse to file for divorce for that reason. Maybe you should see base legal and get prepared ASAP. If she never files then you are okay but if she does you won't be caught off guard.

 

I get that she's probably at home 24/7 with the kids and no breaks and you saying 'I'm going to go do this really fun thing' rubs it in her face.

 

But to threaten to end a relationship or destroy a family over something this frivolous is absurd.

[burnt]

With respect, it seems there's something missing in your post to fully understand WHY she would be angry.

 

Can you please provide more details?

 

Exactly, what did she say when she is "angry"? What is she accusing you of? What about the snowboarding is she objecting to? Is she complaining about the people you go with, or the amount of money you spend on snowboarding, or the amount of time you spend?

 

Based on what you wrote, yes, it seems extremely odd that she gets angry, but I feel like her anger is not about the snowboarding--but something else.

[BaileyB]

Hi BaileyB,

 

Thats is a question I have been asking myself the whole time.

I have not been controlling, actually I encourage my partner to experience more things in order to grow more and know more. That is why I get disappointed I do not get the mutual reaction.

But I do not expect anything from her and I loved the way she is. not everything, but many things.

 

I maybe be stupid or idiot I admit it. I know myself there are many women out there.

 

Something must be missing because her behavior seems unreasonable.

 

And, to answer your question simply... You don't get a mutual reaction because you don't require or demand the same respect from her. You have given in to her unreasonable demands in the past, which allows her to make them again and again with the threat of divorce, for good measure. Stand up to her and establish a more healthy boundary, you are entitled to some personal time in a relationship and you should have some choice in decision making.

[aileD]

If she says Doug to divorce you over a day of snowboarding, she is not worth being married to.

 

Marriage is hard work and goes through many many tough times over the years. Snowboarding is not one of them, sonif thats her focus then how are you going to get through the harder times that marriage brings?

[sandylee1]

So you live in different countries, but are married?

 

You can't physically be together. ..is it due to work or immigration issues?

 

Is it because she wants you to go abd see her instead of going snowboarding?

 

Do you have any children yet?

[AMarriedMan]

Ladies and Gentlemen. I need your advices please.

 

I am married with my childhood friend, and long time lover.

we were LDR ever since.

I am in japan and she in US.

 

now, she has attitude that she wants us to things together but we cannot do anything about it now because we are still waiting for us to be together which is taking too long. next year.

 

however, I just want to go for sports (snowboarding) and she won't let me or threaten to leave me. I am not going with people with only girls, most men. different of my age, I only go because i love the sport, and for my hobby.

 

she is veeery angry to me. I know I might be selfish because I am still trying to convince her to understand that I want to go.

 

Winter is gonna end, I missed 2-3 times invites from my friend bec. she didn't want.

when I ask her, she only says I decide. but then get angry.

I do not know if I will still go today or not. I already reserved for expenses. I do not go out always, no vices, dont even drink. its been a while I will go out to go sports...

 

Help. I need advice, should I go or not? she would divorce me if I did go.

 

she says I am immature and doesn't prioritize my relationship and family. but I always do.

 

Help! should I disobey?

 

I have done all the things I can to prove my love for her.

I have compromised a lot of things.

I just dont know if this situation is good or bad...

 

And really, I know this is very immature. and I know this is ridiculous... im sorry

 

This is utterly ridiculous. You two live on different continents. Yet your wife insists on micromanaging your life to the extent that she'd rather have you sit at home alone an ocean apart from her rather than go snowboarding with some friends for a weekend once a year. What is this ****??

 

Such wives deserve to have the papers served to them ASAP. Seriously. Once you start living with this woman for real, your life as an independent entity will be completely over. Your spirit will experience death by a thousand cuts. Finally, she will dump you when there is but an empty shell remaining where there used to be a man.

 

Your wife's antics are a an instance of testing your limits. That is typical of women. It starts out as something very minor, escalating if allowed to. You wrote you had compromised a lot. Sounds like you have allowed yourself to be pushed around by your wife in the past. It will only get worse if you don't stand up for yourself. The ideal option is to shut that **** down from the get go.

 

Some men say they have successfully turned around their marriages that used to be plagued by that dynamic. I think that must be rare. Besides, I fail to see the point of attempting an emotionally intimate relationship with someone who you positively know will walk all over you if you allow them to. There simply cannot be real emotional intimacy when one partner is forced to keep his guard up and maintain a willingness to walk away any given moment the other partner feels the instinctual urge to test her man for strength and value relative to hers. It is not enough to gain control of the situation initially or turn a bad one around through radical action later down the road. There must be constant vigilance as the beast can resurface any time it is given an opportunity. In this regard, women differ from each other only in degree, not in kind.

 

In Western culture, a strong ideal of equality between the sexes prevails. It is nearly taboo to imply nothing by symmetry and similarity in every regard. The female desire to be led by a strong man with authority who takes responsibility in an intimate relationship is a deep, primordial desire our culture pretends does not exist. Women in general are actually happiest under a soft patriarchy where the responsibility that men have for women and children is balanced by a commensurate degree of authority. Naturally, under that system, too, intimacy was just as impossible as it is under the current one as intimacy can only exist between true equals. But at least the business of producing the next generation was generally a success.

 

Our current society has the worst of both worlds. Men have all the responsibility in the sense of how family law is applied and in terms of social expectations but none of the institutional authority of old. The result of this is that marriage is in shambles. The younger age cohorts have abandoned the institution in droves. Birth rates are historically low everywhere in the West and the rest of the modernized world. Getting married is simply stupid for a man in this day and age. You're sacrificing a whole lot with unacceptably low odds of getting anything back. If you are young woman who gets married, in the typical case, you'll have a man at your mercy. Are you the kind who really enjoys that role?