He's not ready

[Danicanada]

Hello all,

 

I'm 34 years old and I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man but he's younger than me, he's 27.

 

We are together for two years now and living together for one year. Lately, I have brought the marriage and kids things to see what he thinks about it but he doesn't want to talk about it. He says we are happy this way.

 

The more I talk about this, the more he gives excuses. He said he's not financially stable yet, he doesn't see himself getting married, he says I'm pushing. Regarding kids, he says he wants one day but refuses to make plans. He said that it's commom for women to have babies after their 40s.

 

I've talked about getting married in two years and having a baby in three years. But he just refuses to talk about it.

I'm not getting any younger and I really want to get married and have at least one child. I'm afraid I'm wasting my time with someone that doesn't want to talk about future. And I feel I don't wanna wait that long and wait for someone who doesn't know what he wants.

I love him, but I'm planning to break up and move on. I'm very sad, frustrated and confused. I'm feeling heartbroken

 

Please, any thoughts?

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

 

Unfortunately, this is par for course with an age difference of this level. These days, 27 is very young to be committing to babies in the near future. And at 34, I agree that you should not be waiting any longer. Yes, some women do have babies when they are in their 40's. But those pregnancies are very often assisted and far from easy.

 

Did he make promises in the past about having children with you while you were still young enough to fall pregnant relatively easily?

[Danicanada]

Did he make promises in the past about having children with you while you were still young enough to fall pregnant relatively easily?

 

Thank you for your reply. No, he didn't. He says he wants to but someday. I agree he's young but what really makes me upset is that my plans would be getting married in two years so he would be 29 and having a baby when he were 30. It doesn't sound like too much pressure to me. But he doesn't even want to talk about it.

[PegNosePete]

He says we are happy this way.

He says we but what he means of course, is that he is happy this way. Clearly, you're not.

 

He said that it's commom for women to have babies after their 40s.

Yes it's reasonably common but there are significant health risks, both to mother and baby. Your desire to have kids before you're 40 makes complete logical sense to me. His words sound like... more excuses. But I don't think there's much point arguing the logic with him here, the fact that he's making excuses rather than taking the plunge, tells you everything you need to know.

 

I'm afraid I'm wasting my time with someone that doesn't want to talk about future. And I feel I don't wanna wait that long and wait for someone who doesn't know what he wants.

Yes, I'm in agreement with you here. You should never put your life on hold for someone who may or may not be ready one day. I mean what if you wait 2 years and then he decides he doesn't want it after all?

 

It is sad to break up an otherwise good relationship but you have to think long-term here, and he's telling you that he doesn't have long term plans. If you're looking for marriage and kids then you need to find someone who is on the same page.

[Mr. Lucky]

I love him, but I'm planning to break up and move on. I'm very sad, frustrated and confused. I'm feeling heartbroken

 

Please, any thoughts?

 

The only thing worse than no marriage/children is marriage and children with a spouse who doesn't want to be there and feels somehow you pressured him into the role. Also, I may be old school but cohabitation without a ring removes his incentive to commit in order to share a home and life together. Why should he want to change, getting everything he wants now?

 

Your only leverage is to threaten to leave and then follow through. He may step up, shouldn't hold your breath...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

Sadly you have to believe him & you also have to assume he will never be ready.

 

 

Once you accept that marriage will never be in the cards you have choices:

 

 

1. nag him about it so you are both miserable

 

 

2. break up & go find somebody who is on the same page / time frame as you

 

 

3. give up your dream / timetable

 

 

I didn't listen. I stuck it out & wasted my childbearing years on a guy who never wanted to marry me. It worked out for me in the end because I met & married my amazing husband but it was too late for kids.

 

 

So don't be like me.

[O'Malley]

Your boyfriend is happy with the relationship as it is, that's his prerogative. He knows where he stands, and having ambivalent feelings towards marriage and children rarely develops into enthusiasm.

 

It's equally your prerogative to assess your needs and make the decisions that best fulfills them. It doesn't sound like you would be fulfilled staying in this relationship with marriage and children off the table. Neither of you is being unreasonable, but it's harder to conceive children in your forties, so your concerns are warranted. Unfortunately children aren't something that can be compromised on.

[angel.eyes]

He doesn't want to marry you. Please accept it and go find someone else who shares your life plan.

 

Thank you for your reply. No, he didn't. He says he wants to but someday. I agree he's young but what really makes me upset is that my plans would be getting married in two years so he would be 29 and having a baby when he were 30. It doesn't sound like too much pressure to me. But he doesn't even want to talk about it.

As you admit, he never promised you marriage and a baby carriage. Sorry, but you don't then get to ignore his wishes, override what he wants, and plan his life for him based on what you want. His life plan doesn't include marrying you, certainly not by 29, or dealing with a squalling baby at 30. Accept it now and get on with your life plan, or waste your life and sit miserably in limbo until something triggers the eventual breakup.

 

In general, if you're dating with an eye to marriage, 25-year olds tend to be poor prospects. They are usually in a different life stage, so beginning a relationship with them is likely to land you exactly where you find yourself two years into this relationship.

 

Lesson learned. Now on to the next. Tick. Tock.

Edited February 24, 2017 by angel.eyes

[Danicanada]

Thank you so much for all the replies. This forum is awesome. I have to confess I have an instinct that breaking up would be the best for both. And honestly I think he likes me a lot (love, I'm not sure) but I think he really needs someone in her 20s to wait till he's ready. I do think he will eventually become a father but not before his 34 or later. There's so much he wants to do before that. And I understand his reasons.

I guess I just need to hear some else's point of view to confirm what I already knew.

 

Many many thanks. All the replies helped me a lot to be sure what needs to be done.

[angel.eyes]

You'll find the right guy for you, and when you do, you'll look back and wonder what you ever saw in this guy.

 

Best of luck!

[NTV]

FYI. - most of my buddies hate the biological clock and the woman with a time table. If you have a life planned out like that so it's easy to grab a guy to fill the role--- but that doesn't make the guy who got picked feel that special does it?

 

Guys generally want fluidity in relationships. I know i see it as following a natural course that didn't need any extra push.

 

In fact i kinda wish i had more curves in the winding river of my life before i got saddled with kids mortgage pets cars credit cards retirement planning taxes custody battles and all the other painfully mundane logistics of middle age.

[Danicanada]

FYI. - most of my buddies hate the biological clock and the woman with a time table. If you have a life planned out like that so it's easy to grab a guy to fill the role--- but that doesn't make the guy who got picked feel that special does it?

 

Guys generally want fluidity in relationships. I know i see it as following a natural course that didn't need any extra push.

.

 

Hello NTV,

 

Absolutely. Youre 100% right. And that's my problem with him. I've traveled the world, I have a career and now I feel that is time. He didn't do half of what I did. He's a really nice and I don't blame him. I think I wouldnt be ready when I was 27

. It's just when I turned 34 something changed inside of me. This wish of become a mother came suddenly and strong. That's why I was thinking maybe the best for me would be find a guy in their 40s that is as ready as me. I feel like men want to settle in a older age than women.

 

And for your question about find any guy : no! I need to be in love and trust the person to marry and want to have kids. Also, sex is better when youre in love.That's why I wish my actual partner were this person. I love him and I trust him a lot. Sex is passionate. He would be perfect if he wanted the same as me. After few conversations about marriage, he broke my heart. I was devastated with his words. I mean, I'm glad he was honest but I can't help how I feel. And after our last conversation , I don't feel like having sex anymore. Something broke inside of me.

 

But I believe there is a guy out there as ready as I am and I can trust and find love again. I want things happen naturally. I won't mention marriage and kids on the first date lol.

 

Thank you for honest

 

Danicanada

[Ronni_W]

I won't mention marriage and kids on the first date lol.

Woman to woman, why not? I mean...not to get all, "Do you want to marry me and have my babies?" on the first date -- but find ways, on the second or third, to at least get some idea of where your dates are at and where they see themselves as headed. In the long run, it may help you to avoid finding yourself in the same or a similar situation as you are in right now; where you got too far deep into emotionally investing in the man and the relationship, without knowing (or, if not without knowing, then skimming over or not truly acknowledging/accepting?) his thoughts and plans around the topic of marriage and children.

 

I'm glad he was honest but I can't help how I feel

Yup, sure you can. If not you, then who?

It is not widely held or found to be comforting, but there are feelings that arise from a misguided, false or distorted sense of self or of some aspect or element of one's personal worldview.

 

NOT saying that what you're feeling right now does not exist, only that you do have the (inner) power and authority to change and improve upon it. Validation of feelings must come from a true/proper/pure sense of self and worldview...otherwise one can get stuck in negative feelings that can lead to being trapped in low self-esteem, a sense of unworthiness, etc.

 

You truly are in charge of how you feel...and, it is empowering.

[preraph]

Look, I dated guys with that age gap too at your age, and I can assure you none of them were about to make babies with me. They aren't ready, they're just having fun, and when they are ready, they'll probably choose someone younger than them. It's sad, but it's a fact. 27 is still pretty young for a guy to want to get married. Most of them may start feeling the family and work pressure to do it by the time they're 30.

 

That said, you aren't likely to be able to go out and find someone else who is ready to marry you in the next couple of years and get it done that fast.

 

Do not make the mistake of pressuring him into it. My best friend did that to a guy who wasn't even a good guy to do it with, and he just put it all on her to take care of the kids. Because she's who wanted them. So she can do all the running, all the kid crap and her full-time job too because he wasn't ready. The irony is this guy could NEVER get anyone near as good as her ever again. Some weird fluke made her like and be attracted to this guy. He's socially horrendous, and does nothing but bring a paycheck, and not at all good looking and would rather watch in bed and unaffectionate. She made a bad mistake and now is living with it, you know, "for the kids."

 

It's much better to have a ready and willing mate before you have their kids. To me, second best would be a trip to the sperm bank so you at least don't have to deal with the father once you're sick of him. But only if you can afford it and have enough family support to pull that off.

[Danicanada]

Yes, a sperm bank may be an option but later, I guess. I'm too romantic and I want to find love again. Maybe I'm dreaming but I rather wait until my 38s to make this decision.

 

I still dream about find a great man and marrying and having my family. I feel silly. I don't know. I'm too confused right now. But now i know what I have to do about my partner. This forum helped to make the decision I knew I had to. I can't see my actual partner the same way I saw before. I don't feel excited anymore about him and I don't see a future for us anymore. And it sucks because he doesn't want to break up. He wants us to have what we have right now but it's not enough for me.

[angel.eyes]

You owe it to yourself to break up. His needs are fully met in the relationship as it stands now. That's why he doesn't want to break up. Unfortunately yours aren't, and won't be as long as you stay with him.

 

You don't need a sperm bank. If you're concerned, you can always look into harvesting your eggs. That way you give yourself a longer timeframe to find the right guy. You're the perfect age to pursue this option.

 

That's why I was thinking maybe the best for me would be find a guy in their 40s that is as ready as me. I feel like men want to settle in a older age than women.

Generalizations like this may lead you right back into the same dilemma you currently face. There are lots of guys in their forties who aren't looking for marriage or to start a family.

 

You need to evaluate each person you date as an individual. Focus on where they are in their life and what their goals are. Do these match yours? Are they in the same life stage as you? Do you have compatible values?

[anduina]

If you add up his reasoning, it sounds like he's not ready to commit and settle down. If you're ready, maybe it's time to move on before you waste more years with someone who might never be ready.