stuck in a sexless marriage

[idontwantausername]

My wife and I are going into 4 years of marriage. 7ish years in the relationship, and 5 years of friendship before that. We know one another very well, to say the least. However, I find myself now being stuck in this wonderful cooperative partership that includes everthing I could ever hope fore, except for sex.

 

We had an incredible sex life before marriage, but it quickly subsided. While I was in the military our sex life dwindled. Much of this was due to the fact that we hardly saw each other (2months out of our first 12month period of living together; due to deployments (no longer than 3 months) and training)

 

Since separating from the military, we have sex once per month, if that.

 

She recently changed birth control meds, but I havent noticed a difference in her sex drive since the change. She, however, is convinced that is the issue.

 

We have had several civil conversations on the topic. She acknowleges that it is affecting me, thus our relationship, and although she is sympathetic to my concerns the situation hasn't improved.

 

I have tried giving her frequent massages, oral sex, and general body worship trying to show her that I find her attractive, but she never returns the favor. Even on the rare occassion that we do have sex, she never performs oral on me or in any way tries to give me pleasure. This, despite the fact that she reassures me that she finds me attractive (especially my sexual areas).

 

I have found myself recently cheating (no pun intended) with the idea of extra-marital affairs. I can't bring myself to do this because I can't do that to her. I cant be unfaithful, but I still have needs. I am so tired of pleasing myself. Just the thought of me getting myself off is, honestly, kind of depressing and I cant even do that anymore...sorry TMI, but I had to say it.

 

We talk about this often enough and in such depth that communication is not concern. What else can I do? I'm losing my mind over this.

 

I find myself becoming increasingly depressed and it's beggining to affect my work and other personal realtionships. The idea of therapy has been brought up a couple of times, but she is reluctant to pursue it.

 

Help? Please?

[Mysterio]

I think your going to have to see some sort of therapist to really get a handle on whats going on.

[mikeylo]

Could be lots of reasons. You need to get to the bottom of it.

 

An affair is not a solution.

[NTV]

are you sure she's not seeing someone else?

[BaileyB]

An affair is not the solution.

 

She needs to be willing to do one of two things if she wants to keep her marriage... Have more sex or get herself to counselling. I think you have to be firmer with her - those are her options.

Edited February 24, 2017 by BaileyB

[Mumbles]

Been there, done that - and as with you, life was perfect, pretty much, but ... no sex.

 

My wife at the time, as yours, was under no illusion as to how this was affecting me, but she couldn't bring herself to increase frequency to more than once every 6 months or so ... longest period was 9 months with nothing, not even fooling around.

 

This is going to end in divorce if you can't find a way to correct things.

 

My wife, at the time, suggested I see escorts. Like you though I couldn't entertain the idea as monogamy meant to much to me. But honest-to-god, I should have gone down that road - because the other road was divorce, and thats not fun, especially when you really do care for your wife and other parts of the marriage are working.

 

Like other posters have suggested, you need to have a serious conversation with your wife. Sounds like comms channels are open, thank god, so bring it up when the time is right. This isn't a problem that will just go away, as I suspect you've already discovered given your words. You're going mental, and she's not budging from her position. Ultimately something has to give.

 

Note that I said 'escorts' above - my mrs had really thought about this - she didn't want me interacting in an FWB type situation. She was clear, I had to pay, and it had to be just about the sex.

 

I know its the view of many men here on LS that the marriage contract includes sexual relations, to withhold sex is defacto breaking the contract. I largely subscribe to this. If the thought of having sex with ones husband is a bridge too far, then, by the same thought process, ones desire to keep the husband monogamous to you must also be acquiesced.

 

How a conversation like this goes will largely depend on how you approach it. Use your words carefully and don't create an ultimatum type situation. Gentle gentle is the way to start this talk I think. Obviously, things must progress at some point, but take it easy - sex outside the marriage, whilst keeping the marriage alive, is a complex subject but can be negotiated with love and care.

 

fwiw, I'm married again now, and in an open relationship - sex is no longer an issue for me and its not a source of conflict within the marriage.

[idontwantausername]

are you sure she's not seeing someone else?

 

Yea I'm completely sure of that.

 

Thank you all for your help, especially Mumbles, being as you were able to relate.

 

I think I will bring it up soon. Our last discussion was only a couple of weeks ago, so I'll let the dust settle before going down that road again. If things don't improve a month or so after that, I'll see if she'll agree to therapy. I'll get do some research on that in the mean time. Maybe it will keep my mind occupied.

 

Thank you all again for the advice. It's nice to get that all out finally haha

[xenawarriorprincess]

I am not sure why so many women denounce sex just because they don’t feel all “in the mood” all the time. There are many times in which I do not feel all “in the mood”, but I go along with it because my husband wants physical affection and I want to make him happy and feel loved. Most of the time I am totally into it once we get started. In my Opinion, women who choose to opt out of sex with their spouse because they don’t feel all “in the mood” is the equivalent of a man opting out of “cuddling and showing affection”. Ask her how she’d feel if you only gave her a hug or held her hand once a month because you didn’t feel all “loving and affectionate”. Ask her how hurtful that would feel to take away something so important to her just because you simply weren’t “in the mood” to be loving?

[somanymistakes]

I am not sure why so many women denounce sex just because they don’t feel all “in the mood” all the time. There are many times in which I do not feel all “in the mood”, but I go along with it because my husband wants physical affection and I want to make him happy and feel loved. Most of the time I am totally into it once we get started. In my Opinion, women who choose to opt out of sex with their spouse because they don’t feel all “in the mood” is the equivalent of a man opting out of “cuddling and showing affection”. Ask her how she’d feel if you only gave her a hug or held her hand once a month because you didn’t feel all “loving and affectionate”. Ask her how hurtful that would feel to take away something so important to her just because you simply weren’t “in the mood” to be loving?

 

It's just not the same from person to person. Some people have really low sex drives, or find sex actually unpleasant. Some people have trouble getting aroused even once they get started, and going along with sex that you're not turned on by reinforces the mental pattern that sex is not fun, and makes them even less into it in the future. When you start thinking of it as something you just have to suffer through for your partner's sake, that's doom for BOTH partners, since loving spouses with high sex drives are generally not satisfied by a partner who just lies there with a long-suffering look!

 

It's not helpful to assume that lack of sex is just because one partner is totally thoughtless.

 

to OP - Birth control meds can have an effect on libido. Unfortunately a lot of people also have their sex drive in a relationship taper off after the first few exciting years and it can be very difficult to restore it. A sexual health professional is likely going to be of a lot more help than we on a forum can for digging into the personal issues here. Some things to consider (though you should not answer these questions to ME, they're too personal, but questions to think about when looking for what's going on)

 

- How does she feel about sexual activity in general? Not talking about how she feels about sex with you, but what does she think about people in general having sex? Does she find it shameful, guilt-inducing, sinful? What are her feelings about people with a lot of sex partners, or people who had sex young?

 

- Does she have a sexual self outside of your bedroom? I don't mean affairs here. Does she look at or read porn / erotica / romance novels / films with steamy sex scenes? Does she ever think about other people being attractive? Does she own and use sex toys for her own fulfillment?

 

- Is she comfortable and confident with her own body and her own sexual skills? Issues in this area can make a lot of women freeze up and become extremely passive in the bedroom, if they feel like they are fat/ugly/smelly/weird or not good enough at pleasing you.

 

- Does she physically respond when you try to stimulate her? Does she get into it if you do manage to get things going? Does she have trouble getting aroused? Can you bring her to orgasm? If not, can she do it to herself?

 

- When you try to initiate sex and she isn't interested, how does she feel at those times? Is the thought actively distressing to her, or is it just that she's not as excited as she thinks she should be, so she wants to wait for a time when she is excited?

[Mr. Lucky]

Some people have really low sex drives, or find sex actually unpleasant.

 

Then how does this happen?

 

We had an incredible sex life before marriage

 

Seems she can be quite sexual when she wants to be.

 

idontwantausername, the most effective anti-aphrodisiac I know of is resentment. Your wife is deeply angry over something, sex (which she knows is important to you) is where that anger surfaces. I spent my entire first marriage living this dynamic.

 

I'd make an appointment for MC tomorrow. This isn't something that will change or get better on its own...

 

Mr. Lucky

[somanymistakes]

Then how does this happen?

 

Seems she can be quite sexual when she wants to be.

 

In that section I was talking about women in general not just the OP's marriage, which is why I clarified when I was shifting back to the OP's topic afterwards.

 

If you want an answer for how in general someone can have a low sex drive when they appeared to have one just fine earlier - sometimes physical/hormonal changes over time (either natural or because of medications that affect hormone levels), and sometimes, sad to say, some people actually do fake being more into sex than they really are in order to land a spouse. I don't think that last one is likely to be the problem here, but it does happen.

 

But I wouldn't begin to try and come up with an diagnosis of what's going on in this specific case without knowing a lot more about his wife and how she feels about things.

[oldshirt]

My suggestion is to NOT bring it up or talk to her about it anymore just yet.

 

You can not suggest, convince or negotiate sexual desire and attraction. She either feels it or she doesn't. It's not a choice on her part so therefor you can't talk her into it.

 

Talking actually has the opposite effect in fact. It makes you look weak and whiny and makes her feel pressured to feel something she doesn't feel and to do something she doesn't want to do.

 

Continuing to bug her about it will just make her respect you less and have even less desire for you.

 

So stop talking and change your behaviors instead.

[oldshirt]

Assuming she does not have a medical or hormonal disorder, this likely an attraction issue.

 

You may be a decent and good looking guy in general but you aren't tripping her trigger.

 

Stop talking about and stop approaching her for sex for now and get yourself into the gym and lose some gut and get buffed up and get some gunz.

 

Start grooming and styling like the Queen herself was coming for a visit. If you wear glasses, get contacts or LASIK. Get your teeth whitened. Tan enough so that you at least don't blind anyone with the glare when the clothes come off.

 

Update your wardrobe and get some new, stylish, well fitting clothes. Get new shoes.

 

Get busy doing fixing up things around the house and do something on the side to pick up some extra $$s or take up some kind of team sport.

 

Don't sit around the house playing video games or watching TV. .... Ever.

 

Knock off the porn and stop spanking. Save up that mojo. It will make you a more sexual and more assertive being. Spanking makes you comfortable and mellow. A full tank makes you edgy and cagey. You want to be edgy.

 

Be flirty. Flirt with her without any assumption or expectation for sex.

 

However if she does get a wild hair and initiates with you, tear her in half and ravage her to an inch of her life. ;-)

 

Any time she gives you the brush off, never whine, complain or pout.

Go do something active and manly instead.

 

Do this for several months and if things haven't improved at all or if they have gotten worse, then schedule MC and give the option of addressing the issues or pack bags.

[sandylee1]

I am not sure why so many women denounce sex just because they don’t feel all “in the mood” all the time. There are many times in which I do not feel all “in the mood”, but I go along with it because my husband wants physical affection and I want to make him happy and feel loved. Most of the time I am totally into it once we get started.

 

 

 

I hear what you're saying.

[FortyandForlorn]

Then how does this happen?

 

 

 

Seems she can be quite sexual when she wants to be.

 

idontwantausername, the most effective anti-aphrodisiac I know of is resentment. Your wife is deeply angry over something, sex (which she knows is important to you) is where that anger surfaces. I spent my entire first marriage living this dynamic.

 

I'd make an appointment for MC tomorrow. This isn't something that will change or get better on its own...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is exactly what I was thinking. She hates your guts about something and can't even bring herself to fake it for your benefit. Marriage counseling is the way to go here.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you want an answer for how in general someone can have a low sex drive when they appeared to have one just fine earlier - sometimes physical/hormonal changes over time (either natural or because of medications that affect hormone levels)

 

Were this over decades, certainly a possibility. In only 4 years - much less likely.

 

sad to say, some people actually do fake being more into sex than they really are in order to land a spouse.

 

As I had alluded to also. If that's the case, all the MC in the world won't help. Right now, the OP is teetering on the edge of the clinical definition of sexless marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xenawarriorprincess]

Upon Marriage, you are entering into a union in which your spouse is supposed to be exclusively faithful to you and you alone, meaning that their only source of sexual outlet is to be fulfilled by their spouse. When one spouse opts out of being their partner’s sexual outlet for any reason, they are quite literally forcing their spouse to be involuntarily celibate, and that is not what the sexually-starved spouse signed up for. It is in my opinion, the duty of the spouse who opted out of sex to quickly figure out a solution as to remedy the problem; otherwise the sexually-starved spouse might find a new sexual outlet.

[Onnanoko]

OP, contrary to what you may believe, you are not "stuck" in this sexless marriage..you CAN opt out (as she apparently has). Four years is a very long time to go through forced celibacy.

 

The fact that you have brought this topic up to her several times (the last one being a few weeks ago) and that she acknowledged what she has been doing but is doing absolutely nothing to improve this situation leads me to believe that she truly does NOT care about your feelings and how this is affecting you emotionally as well as physically.

 

Your situation sounds painfully similar to my own. I am beginning to feel the early stirrings of loneliness and depression..I am sick to death of having to please myself..and lately, (and unfortunately) my mind has been beginning to wander elsewhere.

 

You do not deserve to be treated in this manner. MC may help you in accepting/dealing with this situation, but it seems as though it will not help her in feeling empathy for what she is putting you through. You have stated that you have suggested MC but she refuses to go. There is your answer right there.

 

You have one of two choices that I see:

 

1) Remain in this miserable sexless marriage, continue to engage in self-pleasuring or seek sex outside of your marriage

 

or

 

2) Sit down with her and tell her that you're going to file for divorce..and mean it. Even if this jars her awake and she pleads with you to give her another chance, think about how awful it would be if you actually filing for divorce is the only thing that shook her up into improving your sex life together.

 

I feel your pain OP..and I wish you luck and blessings in what ever course you decide to take with this unfortunate situation.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think it's one of 3 things:

 

1. Resentment- Even she may not understand the source, but MC can help

2. Lack of attraction- not necessarily related to physical appearance, and can be hard to address

3. Birth control

Other posters have addressed 1&2, so I will focus on 3.

 

Don't brush off the potential impact BC can have. The effects vary widely and can even have a different impact on the same woman over time as hormonal balances change.

 

Personally, I had gone through years of experimentation with hormonal BC before giving up on finding something that works for me. By "works" I mean does not result in constant spotting over years of use, and does not kill my sex drive. Now my partner and I rely on good old pull out and pray, and we've had no issues in 2 years of use.

[oldshirt]

Now my partner and I rely on good old pull out and pray, and we've had no issues in 2 years of use.

 

I was in a human sexuality class in college. During the contraception segment of the class the professor said that there was a word for people who rely on natural family planning methods - "parents." :-O

[LoveBug143]

Oh man.. im going through the same thing with my boyfriend. I feel your pain! Its depressing. And i understand the sadness that you feel after masturbating. You almost feel alone and depressed. I will say that my boyfriend has gone to counseling, with me and alone, and now he's getting his testosterone levels checked. With that said, she should at least be trying to find the cause/solution to this problem. If she's not even doing that, not considering counseling, then this is only going to get worse. Its so unfair to you and you'll begin to resent her. She should get her hormone levels checked, talk to a therapist (maybe she's depressed?), or anything else that will reflect her putting any sort of effort into fixing this. Ugh! If she doesnt, you may want to move on.

[MCGar]

I was in a human sexuality class in college. During the contraception segment of the class the professor said that there was a word for people who rely on natural family planning methods - "parents." :-O

 

Natural family planner here. No unplanned pregnancies.

Almost every single one of my friends or couples we knew on birth control had atleast one unplanned pregnancy. Also looooow libidos due to bc pills.

My libido is higher than my husband's. FYI.

 

(To be fair I did suppect a couple of those unplanned pregnancies were not so oops on the woman's part. I'm not a fellow woman basher, any pregnancy has 2 people to take responsibility except in cases of force. But I add those examples to show balance on the effectiveness of the pill)

[idontwantausername]

I find it hard to believe that it is an issue of physical attraction. Not to toot my own horn, but I have always been in shape. I work out on a regular basis, eat healthy, and I'm currently around 8% body fat. My physical appearance/style is what she finds attractive. She simply doesn't have a desire for sex, or so it seems. I'm happy to read the female responses to my post because it provides a mindset that I don't naturally observe.

 

Based on my situation and the input I've received so far, it seems as though it's a mixture of stress, anxiety, and birth control/hormone imbalances.

 

I greatly appreciate all of your responses, even the ones that seem improbable (because I can discount those as an improbable situation).

At this point, I will bring the issue up again when the timing is right (this time with more seriousness and assertion). If, after enough time had passed, the situation does not improve, I will be more assertive about counseling and inform my wife that it's imperative for the longevity of our marriage that this issue be dealt with.

 

Thank you all, again, for your input

[lucy_in_disguise]

I was in a human sexuality class in college. During the contraception segment of the class the professor said that there was a word for people who rely on natural family planning methods - "parents." :-O

 

Natural planning gets a bad rep for good reasons. Most people don't use it correctly, and it does not protect against std's. But if done right, it works approximately as well as other methods with typical use. As a society we have been telling women the only responsible choice is to be on BC, but the reality is that BC is not 100% effective, it doesn't work well for everyone, and it's not the only reasonable option.

 

Personally, I know many many couples who've gotten pregnant on BC. And I am sure there are many people who have gotten pregnant using natural planning. No method besides abstinence is 100% and every couple should evaluate risks/ rewards for themselves.

 

OP's wife has indicated she thinks it may be the issue- I'm just reiterating that that may in fact be the case.

Edited February 27, 2017 by lucy_in_disguise

[TrustedthenBusted]

My advice... don't look for a silver bullet. There isn't one.

 

All you can do is make your needs and expectations clear and reasonable. ( the reasonable part is the big thing )

 

If she agrees they are clear and reasonable, but still doesn't even try to meet them....that's called neglect.

 

And then you have to decide if you are ok living with being neglected or not.