need duct tape over my mouth for destination wedding

[d0nnivain]

My husband's brother is planning a destination wedding for June in Las Vegas. This couldn't be more inconvenient: on a Wednesday afternoon. Ugh.

 

 

This is the same guy who ruined the lovely birthday surprise DH & I planned in 2015 for the mom's birthday when we offered to fly everyone to our house for her surprise party & thanksgiving. Even though we had given him 18 months notice & we were paying, he lied told the mother that he couldn't come because he didn't have the money & wasn't given enough notice to get time off from work. (He had a p/t job at a fast food place)

 

 

DH won't let me book air or hotel because we're too far out. He's not convinced that the wedding will go forward. I think it will. As much as I don't understand the couple's irresponsible lifestyle, poor decisions & alcohol dependence, they are on the same page with one another & IMO high compatible with each other because they have the same dysfunctions. I'm certainly not saying it's healthy but it's also not my business.

 

 

The original plan was DH & I would go out early & take a trip on our own to the Grand Canyon. We'd come back to Las Vegas on Tuesday to be with family, & fly home Friday. We have another wedding here on the East Coast that Saturday. I'm scared people will blame me for keeping DH away from the "festivities". I asked him about it this morning & he said he wants to go to the Grand Canyon but I worry about the repercussions of that decision.

 

 

I'm already stressing. The messages are starting to become more frequent -- where they are registered; how to donate to their HoneyFund, etc. Don't get me started on the HoneyFund. I hate those; they are tacky money grabs. Plus if you are broke off your a$$ (like this couple) and you are already having a destination wedding because you admittedly can't afford a traditional reception, go on a HM you can afford; don't expect the rest of us to gift one too you. (I promise I will never say that to anyone except DH who shared my view)

 

 

Just got invited to the bachelorette party at a strip club. I have zero interest in attending. DH said he's dreading the bachelor party.

 

 

MIL told me DH & I will be expected to spend at least one night staying back babysitting BIL's kids. DH already said "hell no!" to that. Actually what he said was far worse but I can't type it here. I was agog at that; if BIL wants his kids at his wedding he should make arrangements for their care since his priority seems to be to go out partying rather than for their safety. While I feel sorry for these teenagers, they are not my responsibility & I don't know them. I met them once 10 years ago for an hour & that was the last time DH saw them too. I also don't speak their primary language so I don't see how it would be safe for me to be responsible for them for more than 1 hour or so.

 

 

Finally I was told we will be expected to cover our own food & drink at the restaurant after the ceremony.

 

 

This list of tacky goes on and on. I'd prefer to skip the whole thing but that is not an option.

 

 

How do I keep my mouth shut? I suspect it will involve me updating this tread over the next few months as each of the new "I can't believe they are doing this" events unfold.

 

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[SevenCity]

Destination weddings are the most selfish trend I've seen in my adult life.

 

So let me get this strait. I have to:

 

 

• Take time off of work with my limited vacation time
  
• Book a flight AND a hotel
  
• AND bring you a gift?
  
• Are you kidding me????
  

 

 

I won't go to them. F that. It's one thing if a relative lives out of state - ok fine. But I refuse to go to one for anyone else.

 

 

I had one friend who had his in CA (we are in NY). Everyone was saying "It will be like a vacation!". Yea, a vacation that I would never have planned.

 

 

Screw that. I gave him $400 despite not going and took almost a year to get a thank you note. We don't talk anymore. I don't care.

 

 

Brother in law is a little different but honestly I would make your husband book everything as this is really his responsibility.

[d0nnivain]

Brother in law is a little different but honestly I would make your husband book everything as this is really his responsibility.

 

 

Thanks for sharing my pain.

 

 

DH "can't" book anything. One of the reasons that we are happily married is that I book all travel. When I let him book, things get more messed up. I don't mind the booking; that's the least of my problems.

 

 

I just worry that I won't be able to hold my tongue once there & things really go sideways.

[SevenCity]

Thanks for sharing my pain.

 

 

DH "can't" book anything. One of the reasons that we are happily married is that I book all travel. When I let him book, things get more messed up. I don't mind the booking; that's the least of my problems.

 

 

I just worry that I won't be able to hold my tongue once there & things really go sideways.

 

Yea, sometimes it's hard to keep your mouth shut.

 

I've learned that unless what you say is going to be helpful, it's better to keep it to yourself.

 

When you marry someone you also marry into their family - comes with the territory.

[Els]

I never understood how a couple could possibly do this without feeling awful about it. It's one thing if they just live in a different place so flying would be inevitable for some guests. But planning to travel for their wedding and expecting everyone to fly there with them on their own dime??? AND babysit for them?! What are they smoking??

 

Sorry, not much help, but I empathize. I'd have a hard time shutting my mouth too.

[d0nnivain]

I just want peace & that has to come from me.

[preraph]

Look, your husband is rearing back and digging his heels in just fine, so I applaud him. You should just leave all that up to him and let him decide about everything and just go along with it because it's his family. If he wasn't thinking things through, I could understand it, but he seems to be doing just fine knowing when to put his foot down on this fiasco.

 

Aw, hell, no, I would never put a dime toward someone's destination wedding. That's really greedy and I would never be able to afford it anyway.

[Tayla]

I agree....Pack duct tape and use it on them

 

Please keep us posted...I'm sure that things will change exponentially as it nears.

 

I love destination weddings! Quaint...Memorable and often low key...

 

Go do your thing with touring... You both deserve it

[basil67]

Excellent responses so far. Just wanted to say that I feel your pain.

[introverted1]

Add me to those who feel your pain.

 

But also... if BIL's kids are teenagers, why do they need to be babysat??

[d0nnivain]

But also... if BIL's kids are teenagers, why do they need to be babysat??

 

Because it would be irresponsible to leave 2 teenagers from a small town alone in a hotel room in Las Vegas. Do you actually think they would stay there?

[Nowty V]

Here's your answer

 

oops i just realised we couldn't come because we didn't have the money & wasn't given enough notice to get time off from work.

 

job done

[RecentChange]

Yeah, I admit, I don't have the most close knit family, and if I was presented with a total S**** show like this, I would "unfortunately not be able to attend".

 

My husband has a few family members who are off the rails, as do I. Anytime there is going to be a particularly unpleasant obligation, we go solo. I put up with my family crap and spare him, and vice versa.

 

And geeeeees talk about tacky tacky tacky!!!

 

And this is from a woman who DID get married in Las Vegas. But it was a private affair, just the two of us. And even though it's our first marriages (uuuuh no teenage kids) we are in our mid 30, and registries, money grabs and the rest of it seems entirety inappropriate.

 

Side tangent- weren't these things for back in the day when the daughter got married off to a new family, and the bride and groom needed to set up a household complete with dishes etc. I don't understand why I am supposed to buy housewares for two adults who have been cohabiting for the better part of a decade. **End of rant**

[startinganew777]

I feel for you too. My brother and his fiancé are doing the same thing. They also don't get along at all and have broken up several times so I'm scared to spend the money on the flights and hotel when they could possibly cancel. They don't have a lot of money but have a honeyfund set up too for their week long honeymoon after their destination wedding.

 

 

Their 2 young kids will also be there and my poor parents have to drive them both home after the wedding and it is an 18 hour road trip. And they have to babysit them the whole week before while my brother and his fiancé plan everything. And they got a huge expensive house on the beach and it is like $300 a night per room! Just craziness that they didn't think of everyone else and all the expenses and hassle it will be for the rest of us.

 

 

Anyways, It really sucks they chose to have this wedding on a Wed! So not only do you have to spend the money to go out of a town for a wedding in the middle of the week, everyone probably has to take a week of vacation off work! And I agree, the honeyfund is very tacky when they can hardly afford the wedding themselves.

 

 

I think the best thing to do is not say anything and have your husband take the reins on all of this since it is his family. Good luck! I know it will be hard!

[GunslingerRoland]

I honestly don't get the destination wedding to save money thing. Pretty much everyone I know who has done that, spent more than they could have with a regular reception anyway. And they want a destination wedding and then to go on a different honeymoon? I've never heard of that one before.

 

Anyway, Vegas is a place you can always get to relatively cheap and there should always be somewhere available to stay mid week. I wouldn't worry too much about putting off booking a little longer.

 

So clearly you guys aren't very close to them, if you've only met their teenage kids once. Given the fact you aren't even being treated to dinner, are you over rating how much they even care if you go or not to this wedding?

 

Personally I consider a destination wedding to be a conscious choice that no one should feel obligated to go to it.

[preraph]

Because it would be irresponsible to leave 2 teenagers from a small town alone in a hotel room in Las Vegas. Do you actually think they would stay there?

 

I'm trying to imagine the type of babysitter a hotel in Vegas would send up to the room! They might be better off alone as long as the room bar/pantry is locked.

[preraph]

I honestly don't get the destination wedding to save money thing. Pretty much everyone I know who has done that, spent more than they could have with a regular reception anyway. And they want a destination wedding and then to go on a different honeymoon? I've never heard of that one before.

 

Anyway, Vegas is a place you can always get to relatively cheap and there should always be somewhere available to stay mid week. I wouldn't worry too much about putting off booking a little longer.

 

So clearly you guys aren't very close to them, if you've only met their teenage kids once. Given the fact you aren't even being treated to dinner, are you over rating how much they even care if you go or not to this wedding?

 

Personally I consider a destination wedding to be a conscious choice that no one should feel obligated to go to it.

 

I guess it saves them money by making everyone else pay for the venue.

[d0nnivain]

So clearly you guys aren't very close to them, if you've only met their teenage kids once. Given the fact you aren't even being treated to dinner, are you over rating how much they even care if you go or not to this wedding?

 

 

The kids are my BIL's kids from his 1st marriage. He divorced his wife before DH & I married & the EX got custody of the kids. I think their father has only seen them 3-4 times since his divorce from his EX. His new bride to be has only met them once, granted that was 2 years ago when they came for a month.

 

 

DH sees his brother as often as possible, which is usually about once per year given they live in different states. They text & talk all the time.

 

 

We get updates about the plans all the time.

 

 

I'm actually looking forward to seeing my FIL & step-MIL. I've never been to Vegas so it might be fun.

 

 

The whole thing just screams TACKY to me. DH promised me I don't have to go to the bachelorette party because we are now planning to arrive later.

 

 

It's not so much the cost for us. We were getting on a airplane no matter what.

 

 

In the end I will find something to amuse myself (even if it's silently thinking catty things about everyone else). I will say & do all the right things. It's just annoying that I have to witness this whole spectacle.

[Jj66]

Foreign to my experience, but probably better to vent here than express your frustration to your brother-in-law.

 

Vent away but wear beige and keep your mouth shut!

[preraph]

The kids are my BIL's kids from his 1st marriage. He divorced his wife before DH & I married & the EX got custody of the kids. I think their father has only seen them 3-4 times since his divorce from his EX. His new bride to be has only met them once, granted that was 2 years ago when they came for a month.

 

 

DH sees his brother as often as possible, which is usually about once per year given they live in different states. They text & talk all the time.

 

 

We get updates about the plans all the time.

 

 

I'm actually looking forward to seeing my FIL & step-MIL. I've never been to Vegas so it might be fun.

 

 

The whole thing just screams TACKY to me. DH promised me I don't have to go to the bachelorette party because we are now planning to arrive later.

 

 

It's not so much the cost for us. We were getting on a airplane no matter what.

 

 

In the end I will find something to amuse myself (even if it's silently thinking catty things about everyone else). I will say & do all the right things. It's just annoying that I have to witness this whole spectacle.

 

You are a good little soldier!

[BettyDraper]

I think you and your husbands are wonderful for attending this horribly vulgar event.

Emily Post would keel over and die! Expecting guests to pay for their own meals and asking them to babysit is all kinds of wrong. I hate honeyfunds too-your BIL might as well walk around the wedding site asking guests for money.

 

Vent to your husband and vent here.

[Whoknew30]

I love destination weddings! I don't know what type weddings everyone else goes to but the ones I've been to are way more expensive to have at home...the people you have to feed!(& alcohol) are usually triple vs a destination wedding. Also you have people usually come that you haven't seen forever, you have to take time to say thank you & show your appreciation for them coming, which takes time away from enjoying with your spouse & close family & friends.

 

Destination weddings, a vacation with your close family & friends that really want to be there & it truly makes it a more special day IMO. With saying that...

 

What you're explaining sounds like a nightmare & chaos...it's your H family & if he doesn't want to do something, he needs to tell them & let that be that. You don't have to over explain negatively to say no & or explain what your limitations are...good luck!

[Miss Clavel]

so. how's it going? are you being quiet? are you still planning a trip to the grand canyon? did they rope you into babysitting?

 

inquiring minds like to know.

[d0nnivain]

so. how's it going? are you being quiet? are you still planning a trip to the grand canyon? did they rope you into babysitting?

 

inquiring minds like to know.

 

 

I haven't thought about it in a while. Still haven't booked the tickets. For money reasons we probably aren't going to the Grand Canyon. We could only do a rim tour at this late date anyway. You have to book trips down river about 2 years in advance. I didn't know that.

 

 

I spoke to my SIL about things. She wants nothing to do with the bachelorette party either. Most people are planning to show up Monday or Tuesday for the Wednesday wedding so I feel less compelled to attend the Sunday shenanigans.

 

 

DH put his foot down; no babysitting for us although we may take the teens to the hotel with the water slide through the shark tank on Thursday. That's more because I want to go on the water slide & DH doesn't so this was I'll have company.

[d0nnivain]

OK, LS.

 

 

I bit the bullet & booked the flights. We are presently scheduled to check into the wedding hotel Tuesday for the Wednesday ceremony. We leave Friday to head back across the country to a different wedding.

 

 

So my Q to you is we arrive Saturday night in Las Vegas, do we stay in the wedding hotel from the outset or book ourselves into a different hotel & not tell anybody we're in town until Tuesday? As big as the hotel is, I'm afraid we'll bump into them if we stay there.

 

 

I am really trying to not have to go to the bachelorette party (to a strip show) on Sunday night. It's not a morals issue. I'm just afraid of how out of control the bride & her girls will get. I also really don't want to see strippers sitting next to my mothers-in-law (yes, plural; I have two).

 

 

I shouldn't say that because the step-MIL isn't getting into town until Monday purposefully because she doesn't want to go to the strip show either. The bio-MIL is . . . let's just say immature which will make her inappropriate -- at the show & is more reason I want nothing to do with it.

 

 

I'd rather not hurt the bride's feelings outright. She isn't a bad person . . . just tacky.