Guy's vs. women's expereience with OLD flakes

[act00]

Hello. I signed up specifically so I could respond to this post. I am a woman in my 40s. My experience has been that men don't really seem serious about meeting in person or serious about any type of commitment. They state in their profile they are looking towards long-term commitment and/or marriage, but really they aren't. They can't PLAN. More times than not, when there is a plan to meet, I get the text saying, "Sorry something came up" (work, kids, sick) or I get stood up. I have even had some men bail on me while I am on the way to the date, which is better than being stood up, but still. I have texted to say, "On my way," only to have them scramble to get ready and meet me, often times making them late and me waiting. WTF?? They have said, "I didn't think you were serious." Head scratching, but it would appear that they have gone through what I have gone through. At this stage, when a plan gets made (wow, a plan?), I don't really think it's going to happen. It puts me in a bad place because I have had some scheduling conflicts, and I decline an invitation to go out with someone else (friends/family/other date) or I organize my time and life around this date only to find myself with no plans. It really puts a damper on whether or not I'm even going to try.

 

What seems to be the most prevalent, is that these men seem to be more interested in texting for an extended period, but really aren't all that interested in meeting and having any type of relationship. I really don't know what they want. Meeting in person is the first step. They drop off the planet for a bit, then out of the blue text me with a "Hi" or "How are you doing?" but again, this never advances to meeting.

 

Have I flaked? Yes. There are many times I state that they live too far away to really pursue anything, too young, interests don't really blend, but admittedly, I haven't always stated this. I find that if they express no real desire to meet on a date (not a "come over to my place," AKA sex), I just stop writing. I have expressed my interest in meeting, and that's when they stop texting. If they never ask me out on a date, my interest dwindles on any continued communication.

 

OLD is confusing, to say the least.

 

I think you're on the right track - your goal is to actually meet, but if they aren't receptive to it, there's not much you can do.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hello. I signed up specifically so I could respond to this post. I am a woman in my 40s. My experience has been that men don't really seem serious about meeting in person or serious about any type of commitment. They state in their profile they are looking towards long-term commitment and/or marriage, but really they aren't. They can't PLAN. More times than not, when there is a plan to meet, I get the text saying, "Sorry something came up" (work, kids, sick) or I get stood up. I have even had some men bail on me while I am on the way to the date, which is better than being stood up, but still. I have texted to say, "On my way," only to have them scramble to get ready and meet me, often times making them late and me waiting. WTF?? They have said, "I didn't think you were serious." Head scratching, but it would appear that they have gone through what I have gone through. At this stage, when a plan gets made (wow, a plan?), I don't really think it's going to happen. It puts me in a bad place because I have had some scheduling conflicts, and I decline an invitation to go out with someone else (friends/family/other date) or I organize my time and life around this date only to find myself with no plans. It really puts a damper on whether or not I'm even going to try.

 

What seems to be the most prevalent, is that these men seem to be more interested in texting for an extended period, but really aren't all that interested in meeting and having any type of relationship. I really don't know what they want. Meeting in person is the first step. They drop off the planet for a bit, then out of the blue text me with a "Hi" or "How are you doing?" but again, this never advances to meeting.

 

Have I flaked? Yes. There are many times I state that they live too far away to really pursue anything, too young, interests don't really blend, but admittedly, I haven't always stated this. I find that if they express no real desire to meet on a date (not a "come over to my place," AKA sex), I just stop writing. I have expressed my interest in meeting, and that's when they stop texting. If they never ask me out on a date, my interest dwindles on any continued communication.

 

OLD is confusing, to say the least.

 

I think you're on the right track - your goal is to actually meet, but if they aren't receptive to it, there's not much you can do.

 

I am a man in my 40s and believe me, my feeling is that these men are likely already spoken for (aka married). I find it silly to be on a dating site, communicate, make plans and then bail. If a man is available and, of course, interested, he will show up. Men more so than the ladies, multi-date. It is also very possible that these decide to go with the 'better' option.

 

Also, with men who do not ask you out....well, again, likely spoken for and not in the position to follow through or keeping you as an option, but found 'better.'

[Erik30]

Just like Philosopher said, I only consider it "flaking" if we already set up a date, and she cancels on me at the the last minute with a lame excuse.

 

But I have noticed that a lot of conversations go pretty much like your examples. (Though I do try to get to know a bit more about them before I ask them out) Some girls just stop responding after a couple of messages when they're not interested. It sucks but that's just the way OLD works

[Newcitygirl]

I don't necessarily flake, but if the guy messages me hi how are you doing I don't respond (that response isn't authentic or genuine at all). I like guys who ask me something about my profile. Shows me they are interested in getting to know me. Guys who respond hi or hi how are you doesn't seem like the guy is really that interested. Why waste time if they don't put in the effort? I messaged my boyfriend the first time with something off of his profile. He responded like wise. Our communication in real life isn't dull at all.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I don't necessarily flake, but if the guy messages me hi how are you doing I don't respond (that response isn't authentic or genuine at all). I like guys who ask me something about my profile. Shows me they are interested in getting to know me. Guys who respond hi or hi how are you doesn't seem like the guy is really that interested. Why waste time if they don't put in the effort? I messaged my boyfriend the first time with something off of his profile. He responded like wise. Our communication in real life isn't dull at all.

 

I did a study a few years with OLD. I used to send out 'meaningful' messages which directly related to something on the person's profile. At first, tried to be conscious of style and variety in which I wrote. It became tedious and somewhat frustrating when the lady, even those claiming more substance in a message, would respond with a sing word response. I get it that the person may not have been interested, but I started wondering. So, I started sending out much shorter, cut and paste messages...it turned out that I got as many or MORE responses from that. So now, ONLY if the person seems an exceptional match will I put more into my messages otherwise, something intelligent, brief only to elicit some response. Oh well.

[OatsAndHall]

I've been finding a lot of women flake out on me on OLD (stop responding after I responded to their first message, agree to setup a date and stop texting, etc.) and I'm curious as to the experiences with flakes from men vs. women.

 

As a man I am entertaining all possibilities with OLD and will keep conversations / dates going with other girls even if better ones come along (as they may flake as well).

 

I assume they are no longer interested / found someone they like better when they flake. But I'm curious as to why they keep you matched in their profile?

 

So I had some questions:

 

• Are you a man or a woman?
  
• How often do you have people flake (stop responding in the middle of a conversation, etc.)?
  
• Do you flake on people? What are your primary reasons?
  
• If you have lost interest for whatever reason, do you still keep them in your "match" queue or just delete / block them? If so, why?
  

 

 

I'm not butt hurt at all - just curious. I get the impression that women may like to see a long list of guys in their profile with which they have matched. I have some recent Bumble examples of what I consider flakes and am open to the idea that I've done something wrong:

 

 

Girl 1: "Hi! How are you!"

Me: "Hi Girl 1! I'm doing great. How are you? What part of X are you from?

Girl 1: "I'm well thanks. I'm in X part, where are you located?"

Me: I'm in Y. What type of X career do you do for a living? I have friends who do X career as well"

- silence

 

 

Girl 2: "Hey! How are you?"

Me: "Hey Girl 2! I'm doing great - how about you?"

Girl 2: "I'm doing well. How was your week? Do you live in X?"

Me: "My week was good thanks. How about yours? Yes, I live in X where about are you?

Girl 2: "My week was good. I live in X too. Do you work here as well?"

Me: "Glad to hear it. Yes, I work in X as well. Hey you're pretty close - let me know if you like to meet up for a drink this week".

- silence

 

 

I could go on but you get the point.

 

 

 

Again, not looking for "She's not that into you" I get that. What I'm curious about is why go back and forth with the convo and / or setup a date then flake? And why keep me "matched" if she's no longer interested?

 

I understand this is part of OLD but I find that it makes me less interested in doing it and I don't take any of them seriously anymore.

 

And I should state that I am not opposed to meeting IRL - I just don't run into women I like during my daily routine. I'm just more curious about the behavior - that and if I'm doing something wrong I'm open to learning.

 

-I'm a man.

-I have women flake out on my about 50% of the time. But, these are generally women that are looking for weird dimensions of compatibility. They'll stop talking to me when it appears as though we don't music/cinema tastes in common. Or, my sarcasm flows a bit and they take me seriously. And, there are some that I think are shopping around and have found someone they're more interested in. Que sera in that case.

-I have never flaked on a woman when it comes to a date but there are times when I stop talking to them because a red flag pops up. But, I don't just leave it at dead air.. I tell them that I don't think it'll work and I stop chatting. One woman was pleasant and easy going but she let it slip that she was having problems with her ex... That was a buzz kill so I stopped chatting with her. Another kept talking about a date but wouldn't commit to anything. I felt like I was being strung along so I cut her off.

-I will remove them from my match queue as having them on there clutters things up. But, I only block them if they're continually messaging me and are getting strange.

 

OLD is a strange animal and I have stopped trying to understand the way woman act. There are a multitude of reasons why someone cuts off contact and it doesn't matter to me, one way or another.

[SevenCity]

Man here. I only consider it flaking if we have both agreed to meet up. On this basis, I rarely get flakes, probably only one in ten women on average. I have never flaked. There have been a few times when I have been tempted to do so though, typically when it either seems obvious they have little interest in meeting up or that we do not have that much in common. The reason I have not flaked is mainly as I hate it when people flake on me.

 

Using the wider definition of flaking when someone stops responding after messages have been exchanged, then I would say the majority of women will flake on me. Much of the time it is obvious. If they reply to your initial message with a one liner and do not ask any questions, then they will probably will stop responding. However sometimes I find they stop replying out of the blue. I sometimes stop replying during the conversation prior to suggesting meeting up, but do not do it that often. I will normally only do it if their replies suggest they are not interested, e.g they reply with a one liner and do not ask any questions.

 

For the final question, sometimes I will delete the conversation if one of us stops replying, sometimes I will leave it. If they flaked after a date had been agreed I will usually delete the conversation.

 

I consider that being stood up but I catch your drift. I have other conversations that were more meaningful but too long to post here.

 

I've had these conversations. In the first one I stopped replying because the guy was just too far away (usually I'll say that, though).

 

In the second convo I've disappeared because the guy asked me out immediately instead of trying to get to know me first.

 

Other reasons I could see dropping the convo is that it's pretty bland. The guy is just going through basic talk and there's nothing to make him stick out (like charm or humor). When a woman is talking to several others it's important to try to stand out in some way.

 

It's difficult not to be bland when the profile gives you no information. These particular scenarios are from Bumble and the profile can have little information other than their location. Also, look at the initial messages to me - "Hi! How are you?". I usually get "Hi", "Hey", "How's it going?". Women tend to lack the creativity they seek in a message.

 

As far as asking out too soon that's a tough one. Too many messages and you are a text buddy. Too few and you are rushing it. I've found that women who are interested are likely to agree meet up.

 

But please share with some examples of what you consider to be good convos.

 

Hello. I signed up specifically so I could respond to this post. I am a woman in my 40s. My experience has been that men don't really seem serious about meeting in person or serious about any type of commitment. They state in their profile they are looking towards long-term commitment and/or marriage, but really they aren't. They can't PLAN. More times than not, when there is a plan to meet, I get the text saying, "Sorry something came up" (work, kids, sick) or I get stood up. I have even had some men bail on me while I am on the way to the date, which is better than being stood up, but still. I have texted to say, "On my way," only to have them scramble to get ready and meet me, often times making them late and me waiting. WTF?? They have said, "I didn't think you were serious." Head scratching, but it would appear that they have gone through what I have gone through. At this stage, when a plan gets made (wow, a plan?), I don't really think it's going to happen. It puts me in a bad place because I have had some scheduling conflicts, and I decline an invitation to go out with someone else (friends/family/other date) or I organize my time and life around this date only to find myself with no plans. It really puts a damper on whether or not I'm even going to try.

 

What seems to be the most prevalent, is that these men seem to be more interested in texting for an extended period, but really aren't all that interested in meeting and having any type of relationship. I really don't know what they want. Meeting in person is the first step. They drop off the planet for a bit, then out of the blue text me with a "Hi" or "How are you doing?" but again, this never advances to meeting.

 

Have I flaked? Yes. There are many times I state that they live too far away to really pursue anything, too young, interests don't really blend, but admittedly, I haven't always stated this. I find that if they express no real desire to meet on a date (not a "come over to my place," AKA sex), I just stop writing. I have expressed my interest in meeting, and that's when they stop texting. If they never ask me out on a date, my interest dwindles on any continued communication.

 

OLD is confusing, to say the least.

 

I think you're on the right track - your goal is to actually meet, but if they aren't receptive to it, there's not much you can do.

 

That's surprising to hear but as was stated it sounds like these guys may be married. I would not cancel on a girl the same day unless some emergency came up. I'm the type of guy who goes through with what I say.

 

Also, I don't really want to go on ANY of these dates but sometimes they work out better than others.

 

I don't necessarily flake, but if the guy messages me hi how are you doing I don't respond (that response isn't authentic or genuine at all). I like guys who ask me something about my profile. Shows me they are interested in getting to know me. Guys who respond hi or hi how are you doesn't seem like the guy is really that interested. Why waste time if they don't put in the effort? I messaged my boyfriend the first time with something off of his profile. He responded like wise. Our communication in real life isn't dull at all.

 

Two important things here. 1) It is a real pain to tailor the communication to every girl you message. As a guy you are sending out HUNDREDS of messages and maybe getting a 5% response rate. After a while you give up. 2) You reached out to him - that is much different as it shows you are interested in him. Couple that with mentioning something from his profile and he knows you have interest. The last girl I went out with asked me a question and I responded with a hysterical response (that I will use again ). It's helpful if its more then just "Hey" from the women who are forced to reach out first on Bumble.

 

 

I did a study a few years with OLD. I used to send out 'meaningful' messages which directly related to something on the person's profile. At first, tried to be conscious of style and variety in which I wrote. It became tedious and somewhat frustrating when the lady, even those claiming more substance in a message, would respond with a sing word response. I get it that the person may not have been interested, but I started wondering. So, I started sending out much shorter, cut and paste messages...it turned out that I got as many or MORE responses from that. So now, ONLY if the person seems an exceptional match will I put more into my messages otherwise, something intelligent, brief only to elicit some response. Oh well.

 

Totally agree! It's way too much work - you look through the profile to find something and then tailor the message only to get nothing or "Yes".

 

Can you share what your standard CUT-N-PASTE message is? I would like to better tailor mine!

[act00]

I am a man in my 40s and believe me, my feeling is that these men are likely already spoken for (aka married). I find it silly to be on a dating site, communicate, make plans and then bail. If a man is available and, of course, interested, he will show up. Men more so than the ladies, multi-date. It is also very possible that these decide to go with the 'better' option.

 

Also, with men who do not ask you out....well, again, likely spoken for and not in the position to follow through or keeping you as an option, but found 'better.'

 

Yes, I agree, but you really have to take these things at face value...or not...but not everyone is is lying...they may genuinely have a work issue or a child issue or an emergency, etc. I'm certainly not going to "call anyone out," but I will "cool things down until further notice." I am very well aware of the fact that "someone better came up" is a reason that my date last night bailed, but it could very well be that he had to undo a mess at work like he said...whatever.

 

The OP seems to put things out on the table pretty quickly, which I think is good. Where do you live? Living close is conducive to developing a relationship. What do you do? Jobs can vary, but income can be a factor and some connection in a shared interest works, plus hours and schedules need to factor in. Not everyone works 8-5, M-F, and the ability to actually connect in person is important. Scheduling conflicts make it difficult. Kids? How young? How old? Divorced? Issues with ex? Aging parents and responsibilities around that?

 

It really comes down to having to go through a few frogs first.

 

Thank you for your perspective. It certainly falls in line with "He's Just Not That Into You". I know how I feel and I think that the other person should be feeling the same, and our behaviors should mesh to some degree.

 

It doesn't take away the time I expend in planning a date, and they bail. Like I said, you take it at face value. Should I wait for him to text me or call?:

 

Him: "Where are you? I'm here."

Me: "Oh, you REALLY planned on meeting me? Okay, I'll get ready. Give me an hour to get ready and drive over there." (or "Oh, I didn't think you were serious. I made other plans.")

 

No. Just no.

 

And I have had this happen. "You were serious? I'm on my way" At this point I'm saying, "No, I'm not going to wait any more." You blew it.

 

The ghost texter on an OLD site? Meh, you tried. It still takes time and emotional investment to be blown off, and it hurts.

 

To address another question of the OP, I don't block. That's the nuclear option and I have only blocked when someone is exceptionally creepy or will not stop contacting me after I have expressed I'm not interested. Most people are civilized.

[SevenCity]

-I'm a man.

-I have women flake out on my about 50% of the time. But, these are generally women that are looking for weird dimensions of compatibility. They'll stop talking to me when it appears as though we don't music/cinema tastes in common. Or, my sarcasm flows a bit and they take me seriously. And, there are some that I think are shopping around and have found someone they're more interested in. Que sera in that case.

-I have never flaked on a woman when it comes to a date but there are times when I stop talking to them because a red flag pops up. But, I don't just leave it at dead air.. I tell them that I don't think it'll work and I stop chatting. One woman was pleasant and easy going but she let it slip that she was having problems with her ex... That was a buzz kill so I stopped chatting with her. Another kept talking about a date but wouldn't commit to anything. I felt like I was being strung along so I cut her off.

-I will remove them from my match queue as having them on there clutters things up. But, I only block them if they're continually messaging me and are getting strange.

 

OLD is a strange animal and I have stopped trying to understand the way woman act. There are a multitude of reasons why someone cuts off contact and it doesn't matter to me, one way or another.

 

This is why I'm not a fan of messaging back and forth. There is no context and an innocuous statement can be misunderstood.

 

I've only blocked ones that have gotten strange as well but on Bumble once you get them out of your queue they are gone forever.

 

One in particular she sent me a pic of her dog and I did the same and then she never responded. Too bad as she was hot and local (a combination I rarely find).

 

I'm tempted to get rid of her but you never know if they will come back as I've had girls respond a month later (when the current guy didn't work out I suppose).

[SevenCity]

Yes, I agree, but you really have to take these things at face value...or not...but not everyone is is lying...they may genuinely have a work issue or a child issue or an emergency, etc. I'm certainly not going to "call anyone out," but I will "cool things down until further notice." I am very well aware of the fact that "someone better came up" is a reason that my date last night bailed, but it could very well be that he had to undo a mess at work like he said...whatever.

 

If something really came up a guy would say "I'm so sorry, X emergency came up but I really want to see you. Are you free on X day?"

 

If an offer to reschedule isn't offered then you write them off.

 

The OP seems to put things out on the table pretty quickly, which I think is good. Where do you live? Living close is conducive to developing a relationship. What do you do? Jobs can vary, but income can be a factor and some connection in a shared interest works, plus hours and schedules need to factor in. Not everyone works 8-5, M-F, and the ability to actually connect in person is important. Scheduling conflicts make it difficult. Kids? How young? How old? Divorced? Issues with ex? Aging parents and responsibilities around that?

 

I don't really date women with kids for this reason. This limits me at my age as a lot of them have kids already.

 

I've been trying for the meetup sooner rather than later based on advice form here. I used to try and have a phone conversation (to determine if I wanted to see them) but that appeared to cause more roadblocks so I'm trying this method instead.

 

One women poster here said by asking too soon it gives her the impression they don't want to get to know her. That's silly as meeting someone is HOW you get to know them! You can have the best text convo in the world and when you meet them can determine in 3 seconds there is no chemistry.

 

It really comes down to having to go through a few frogs first.

 

More than a few...

 

Thank you for your perspective. It certainly falls in line with "He's Just Not That Into You". I know how I feel and I think that the other person should be feeling the same, and our behaviors should mesh to some degree.

 

It's hard not to project our feelings on to the person we like but it is dangerous as you will often be disappointed as a result. The other side of the coin is guys deal with so much rejection you lose your excitement for dating in general. I cringe every time I have to go on a date as they rarely work out and I don't like the process at all.

 

It doesn't take away the time I expend in planning a date, and they bail. Like I said, you take it at face value. Should I wait for him to text me or call?:

 

Him: "Where are you? I'm here."

Me: "Oh, you REALLY planned on meeting me? Okay, I'll get ready. Give me an hour to get ready and drive over there." (or "Oh, I didn't think you were serious. I made other plans.")

 

No. Just no.

 

And I have had this happen. "You were serious? I'm on my way" At this point I'm saying, "No, I'm not going to wait any more." You blew it.

 

Plans should be definite with a definite day, time, and place. Women here tend to like the confirmation the day before / of so I've started to do that. A lot here won't go on a date unless they get a confirmation.

 

The ghost texter on an OLD site? Meh, you tried. It still takes time and emotional investment to be blown off, and it hurts.

 

I find it annoying and dissapointing at times but I would not say I'm hurt. OLD requires a thick skin - especially if you're a guy. But it sounds like you've had some experiences like most men have had.

 

 

To address another question of the OP, I don't block. That's the nuclear option and I have only blocked when someone is exceptionally creepy or will not stop contacting me after I have expressed I'm not interested. Most people are civilized.

 

I tend to do the same or if I feel like a girl is messing with me. I had this one who reached out to me and would only respond with one word answers and respond days later. I got annoyed and blocked her as it was clear she was wasting my time.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I did a study a few years with OLD. I used to send out 'meaningful' messages which directly related to something on the person's profile. At first, tried to be conscious of style and variety in which I wrote. It became tedious and somewhat frustrating when the lady, even those claiming more substance in a message, would respond with a sing word response. I get it that the person may not have been interested, but I started wondering. So, I started sending out much shorter, cut and paste messages...it turned out that I got as many or MORE responses from that. So now, ONLY if the person seems an exceptional match will I put more into my messages otherwise, something intelligent, brief only to elicit some response. Oh well.

 

101%!! This is also a form of flaking.

 

I used to QUITE often carefully craft a profile after carefully choosing a woman that I new that would be a great match for me. Only to nary receive a response.

 

I've seen women demand you read their profiles and make you type in a code word (i.e. favorite color) proving you've read it. Of course, they just look at your pics and ignore anything of substance.

 

POF killed all that when they decided to let someone type up a message only to have it not go through due to that new "Only accept emails from subscribed users."

 

So instead of greying out the body and putting the message there notifying you ahead a time of this condition, they wait for you to type out a lengthy email only to have it stop you immediately when you hit the send button.

 

This causes people to revert back to "Hey, what's up" emails. No return on time invested.

 

started sending out much shorter, cut and paste messages..

 

I would get a kick out them saying, "I know a copy/paste message when I see it!"

[SevenCity]

101%!! This is also a form of flaking.

 

I used to QUITE often carefully craft a profile after carefully choosing a woman that I new that would be a great match for me. Only to nary receive a response.

 

I've seen women demand you read their profiles and make you type in a code word (i.e. favorite color) proving you've read it. Of course, they just look at your pics and ignore anything of substance.

 

POF killed all that when they decided to let someone type up a message only to have it not go through due to that new "Only accept emails from subscribed users."

 

So instead of greying out the body and putting the message there notifying you ahead a time of this condition, they wait for you to type out a lengthy email only to have it stop you immediately when you hit the send button.

 

This causes people to revert back to "Hey, what's up" emails. No return on time invested.

 

 

 

I would get a kick out them saying, "I know a copy/paste message when I see it!"

 

I ran into that with POF. Imagine if you had so many women you could make them put a secret code word in the message????

 

Women have no idea what guys go through on these sites. It's amazing the hoops they expect you to go through and the laundry list of requirements they expect.

 

Yet, month after month they are still on the site.

 

I actually read two profiles on Bumble (the woman is forced to reach out first):

 

- one said she doesn't like initiating and will only send a message saying "hey" and it's up to the guy to take it from there.

 

- the other said she doesn't believe in reaching out to guys and if you match she expects you to message her in her Instagram account.

 

Amazing. That's ok, one day these girls will be old and ugly and realize they should have worked on their personalities and manners.

[PrettyEmily77]

The other side of the coin is guys deal with so much rejection you lose your excitement for dating in general. I cringe every time I have to go on a date as they rarely work out and I don't like the process at all.

 

I have no experience to share on the subject of the OP because I've never done OLD (not for me), but I hope you won't mind me asking, given the above quote:

 

Why do you put yourself through it? Do you not worry it'll make you too jaded, or that it'll skew your standards or expectations? (genuine question).

[bluefeather]

I wouldn't use the word flake at all for this. To flake is to make plans and then later bring up a lame excuse, saying that you are not able to commit to the plan anymore. And that is not being stood up. Being stood up is similar, but is a meaner version, like making plans and then not following through, without letting the other person know.

 

This is just discontinuing a text conversation. I don't even think there is a word for it. You should make one up

 

As long as we talk a little bit, convos usually don't stop. It happens occasionally, but it's not a big deal because I am usually also talking with someone else.

 

Other times I have completely stopped talking to girls because they say something that turns me off or are just really boring.

 

p.s. I'm a guy.

[Erik30]

I did a study a few years with OLD. I used to send out 'meaningful' messages which directly related to something on the person's profile. At first, tried to be conscious of style and variety in which I wrote. It became tedious and somewhat frustrating when the lady, even those claiming more substance in a message, would respond with a sing word response. I get it that the person may not have been interested, but I started wondering. So, I started sending out much shorter, cut and paste messages...it turned out that I got as many or MORE responses from that. So now, ONLY if the person seems an exceptional match will I put more into my messages otherwise, something intelligent, brief only to elicit some response. Oh well.

 

 

The problem is that they only want a message with substance from a guy they're attracted to. Your message doesn't matter at all to them if they're not into you... and you're bound to write a lot of people who don't think you're their type (unless the site/app has a matching system)

 

I'm sure some girl sent you a message in the past who you weren't attracted to, and nothing she could've said would've changed your mind.

 

I guess that's just what happens when you can send messages to everyone without some sort of indication of mutual interest.

[palmsand]

I've only flaked once, when I was on the fence about a girl who was simply not so attractive and bettor options showed up. I hate doing that because I hate it when girls do that to me, but so be it.

 

 

For me it seems to break down like this:

 

Of all the girls I message (carefully selected to be likely to respond):

 

- 20% respond

- 50% of those that respond keep talking

- 50% of those that keep talking agree to a date

- 20% of those that agree to a date follow through

 

So that comes to out to a 1% success rate in first dates.

[jay1983]

I have no experience to share on the subject of the OP because I've never done OLD (not for me), but I hope you won't mind me asking, given the above quote:

 

Why do you put yourself through it? Do you not worry it'll make you too jaded, or that it'll skew your standards or expectations? (genuine question).

 

Very time consuming as well. Anytime you match or someone sends you a message, you get a notification from the app. So your phone just keeps dinging all day with these convos that go nowhere as said in the OP. Very frustrating, I couldn't do it more than a couple of weeks before I get burnt and delete it. Thesee threads used to spark a lot of gender wars when I first started posting here. Matter of fact, if I remember correctly I think that's how I found this forum, searching topics like this.

[jay1983]

I am a woman. I flake a lot to be honest. I usually only go on OLD apps when I am bored . Sometimes it is a bit of a confidence boost, sometimes I'll go on when I'm feeling down . ie just out of seeing somebody/ getting out of a relationship

 

In 3 years of using this forum, this is the first time I've seen someone admit this.

[PrettyEmily77]

Very time consuming as well. Anytime you match or someone sends you a message, you get a notification from the app. So your phone just keeps dinging all day with these convos that go nowhere as said in the OP. Very frustrating, I couldn't do it more than a couple of weeks before I get burnt and delete it. Thesee threads used to spark a lot of gender wars when I first started posting here. Matter of fact, if I remember correctly I think that's how I found this forum, searching topics like this.

 

Yeah, I'm not surprised. It honestly sounds depressing for both sides.

 

I know it's worked fine for some people (especially those who are after some NSA fun), and I know a lot of people are doing this, but I wouldn't do it for love nor money and I'm a woman - I find it too convoluted a process, too many steps, I don't have enough time or energy and the idea of meeting a guy through my mobile phone is a complete mood-killer...

[carhill]

So I had some questions:

Thanks for inquiring.

 

 

Are you a man or a woman?

Man, older version.

How often do you have people flake (stop responding in the middle of a conversation, etc.)?

Rarely if ever.

Do you flake on people? What are your primary reasons?

With dates, can't recall I ever have.

If you have lost interest for whatever reason, do you still keep them in your "match" queue or just delete / block them? If so, why?

I would say, overall, that has happened in a minority of cases; however, I did take some excellent wisdom from the ladies who'd rejected me over the decades, whether outright or after one or more dates, to be direct, meaning either in person or over the phone and only via electronic means if that was their preferred communication method. Electronic would be e-mail or text.

 

That said, I was never a cast a wide net kinda guy, rather specific in who I chose to ask out. TBH, I've nothing really negative to share about OLD and I was in the milieau from back in the early days of the internet.

[OatsAndHall]

This is why I'm not a fan of messaging back and forth. There is no context and an innocuous statement can be misunderstood.

 

I've only blocked ones that have gotten strange as well but on Bumble once you get them out of your queue they are gone forever.

 

One in particular she sent me a pic of her dog and I did the same and then she never responded. Too bad as she was hot and local (a combination I rarely find).

 

I'm tempted to get rid of her but you never know if they will come back as I've had girls respond a month later (when the current guy didn't work out I suppose).

 

I hate text messaging in general as it doesn't take much for something to be seriously misconstrued. And, it doesn't even have to be sarcasm. The lack of tone really screws things up. Texting and messaging are becoming the downfall of proper communication. Many people have no idea how to hold a conversation without technological space.

 

But, this is also why a portion of my dating profile was one long running joke with references to movies and music. I let my sense of humor flow over that so that any woman who messages me or responds to a message can see what my sense of humor is all about.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Can you share what your standard CUT-N-PASTE message is? I would like to better tailor mine!

 

Hey, certainly don't want to encourage people to send out frivolous messages, but my experience has shown that much of the that wanting a message of substance is greatly exaggerated. I can only say make it positive and wish them well if they don't respond.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yes, I agree, but you really have to take these things at face value...or not...but not everyone is is lying...they may genuinely have a work issue or a child issue or an emergency, etc. I'm certainly not going to "call anyone out," but I will "cool things down until further notice." I am very well aware of the fact that "someone better came up" is a reason that my date last night bailed, but it could very well be that he had to undo a mess at work like he said...whatever.

 

The OP seems to put things out on the table pretty quickly, which I think is good. Where do you live? Living close is conducive to developing a relationship. What do you do? Jobs can vary, but income can be a factor and some connection in a shared interest works, plus hours and schedules need to factor in. Not everyone works 8-5, M-F, and the ability to actually connect in person is important. Scheduling conflicts make it difficult. Kids? How young? How old? Divorced? Issues with ex? Aging parents and responsibilities around that?

 

It really comes down to having to go through a few frogs first.

 

Thank you for your perspective. It certainly falls in line with "He's Just Not That Into You". I know how I feel and I think that the other person should be feeling the same, and our behaviors should mesh to some degree.

 

It doesn't take away the time I expend in planning a date, and they bail. Like I said, you take it at face value. Should I wait for him to text me or call?:

 

Him: "Where are you? I'm here."

Me: "Oh, you REALLY planned on meeting me? Okay, I'll get ready. Give me an hour to get ready and drive over there." (or "Oh, I didn't think you were serious. I made other plans.")

 

No. Just no.

 

And I have had this happen. "You were serious? I'm on my way" At this point I'm saying, "No, I'm not going to wait any more." You blew it.

 

The ghost texter on an OLD site? Meh, you tried. It still takes time and emotional investment to be blown off, and it hurts.

 

To address another question of the OP, I don't block. That's the nuclear option and I have only blocked when someone is exceptionally creepy or will not stop contacting me after I have expressed I'm not interested. Most people are civilized.

 

Of course. I hear you. Being up-front and getting to the meet-up is important. I don't waste time and that is advice that everyone should hold on to. Don't text, email, message for weeks before meeting. Get to it.

[Gr8fuln2020]

101%!! This is also a form of flaking.

 

I used to QUITE often carefully craft a profile after carefully choosing a woman that I new that would be a great match for me. Only to nary receive a response.

 

I've seen women demand you read their profiles and make you type in a code word (i.e. favorite color) proving you've read it. Of course, they just look at your pics and ignore anything of substance.

 

POF killed all that when they decided to let someone type up a message only to have it not go through due to that new "Only accept emails from subscribed users."

 

So instead of greying out the body and putting the message there notifying you ahead a time of this condition, they wait for you to type out a lengthy email only to have it stop you immediately when you hit the send button.

 

This causes people to revert back to "Hey, what's up" emails. No return on time invested.

 

I would get a kick out them saying, "I know a copy/paste message when I see it!"

 

It's funny, I currently have a 'well tailored' profile and when I get responses, I get some thoughtful responses. They are the ones who actually read the profile. I also get those who will ask questions, if they had read the profile, would know the answer to. I have communicated with ladies who would ask questions over days which were clearly answered on my profile. Funny. They never read or after the first glance, never revisited the my profile. Lack of interest, of course. My experience shows having a skeletal profile doesn't help. Besides, I have a lot to share (all true). I suspect some people find it 'too good to be true.'

 

I am a profile reader. Love the ladies that created some wonderful works of prose/poetry. If not all true, it does give you some angle and insight.

 

As per the cut/paste message...I was once accused of sending one to a lovely lady. It wasn't. I laughed. Here I spent time to send out something original and I get accused of sending out cut/paste message. It was around that time when I realized that spending too much time on original messages WAS A WASTE OF TIME.

[spiderowl]

• Are you a man or a woman?
  
• How often do you have people flake (stop responding in the middle of a conversation, etc.)?
  
• Do you flake on people? What are your primary reasons?
  
• If you have lost interest for whatever reason, do you still keep them in your "match" queue or just delete / block them? If so, why?
  

In answer to your questions:

 

 

I'm a woman

 

 

Sometimes guys do this. I assume they have lost interest, lost their internet connection, or their wife just walked into the room and they had been pretending they were not married.

 

 

I have flaked on people, mainly because when they have finally revealed their photos I have found that I am not remotely attracted to them (it's best to have a photo on). I have also flaked after a few messages have been exchanged, mainly because they have expressed attitudes I don't like, have been crude or rude in some way, can barely write and so I knew we were incompatible, they have talked to me in such a way that I know they have little depth of understanding of issues in general. Other reasons have been possessiveness, stupid and unkind comments, cannot hold a conversation and only flirts, is too young, much too old, much too far away.

 

 

 

I think the match queue must depend on the site. Some sites don't have that facility. The only option to stop people being matched to you sometimes is to block them. I find that unnecessarily rude unless they are exhibiting dodgy stalking behaviour.