JamesM Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Back to your mother.... Talk to her and find out why she said test your son five years ago. Trust me...she knew something. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Never thought I would be the one on here but here goes. The guy was supposed to be my "best friend". For five or six years they had an affair (even in my own bed and my son's bed). I never caught them, she finally told me about it and said she loved me and would never do it again and will never see or talk to this man again, should I forgive her, and how can I ever get my trust back, and get this knife I feel is sticking in my back out??? how long before the pain goes away, because I don't even want to live anymore, it hurts so bad.* The guy's got an a** kicking when I see him, but should I trust her again? Yes forgive her for your own healing, then kick her out if you haven't already and file for divorce. She can never be trusted again if she can do something like this to you. I wouldn't even trust her around the mailman. She's disgusting and so is your friend. Why haven't you confronted him about what he has done to you and why is she still there? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Yes forgive her for your own healing, then kick her out if you haven't already and file for divorce. She can never be trusted again if she can do something like this to you. I wouldn't even trust her around the mailman. She's disgusting and so is your friend. Why haven't you confronted him about what he has done to you and why is she still there? Let's not pick on the mailman. Ironically, our mailman was a pretty nice looking chap who resembled the Marlboro man and was genuinely friendly. Seriously. I wouldn't even trust myself around the mailman. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 James M, Now that cracked me up. Nice one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I don't actually talk like this but - DUDE, you need to learn how to share information! People are trying to help you but they can't without more background. This answering one question at a time is getting us nowhere. If not one's done this when I get back from an appt. I'll do it because it looks like you need a list of questions. I understand you're in shock, but I think maybe you're a person that doesn't have strong communication skills anyway. I have a son that I have to pull information out of like this, one question at a time, and it takes forever to get the important data. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Mermeade, nailed it in one. Just, this is a journey. A journey that starts with the first step. BUT, followed by a second step, a third step, etc until complete. Take time to read other threads. See what fits for you and post what and why. But you got to keep moving forward. Why did you mother insist on the DNA test? Is she just paranoid? Been threads like that here and other boards. Bottom line the lack of the husband standing up to the mother destroyed his family. The resentment by the wife, who did not cheat and was under attacked 24/7 resulted in a WAW (walk away wife). Sometimes she did cheat (exit adultery), shame on her for doing so. Sometimes she said enough, I am done talking, filed and divorced. Good on her, that's what an adult does. So who are you?? What is going on. Snap out of it. Look you would not be the first to run to another board, or boards. When it comes to advice to a BS, in the end it is all the same. The BS is just mired in a non-stop pity party and 40 years from will still be stuck in the same time and past. They will just have spent 40 years waiting to die. Choose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 (edited) So I looked back and realized that the colonel had already asked good questions ... Just our of curiosity, 1. Did she say what was missing in the Marriage to make her susceptible to an affair? 2. Why did she confess if you never knew about this A in the first place...seems like without a really good explanation, she is simply relieving herself of some guilt with is a really selfish move on her part. 3. How long have you been married and how old is your son? 4. Is there prior infidelities in your marriage? 5. What is your idea as to why your wife has done this to you? These details may help the folks here to provide some guidence. ... only half of which OP answered in the briefest of one-liners: 3a. Married ten years. 3b. son is five years old 5. No clue as to why it happened. 4. no other cheating as far as I know 1 and 3. Everything was going good as far as I NKOW. 1. She never said what was missing You didn't even attempt #2 which I suspect is too complex, considering the cryptic or non-answers to the other questions. It's not clear why you're answering this way. Either (a) that's the way you are, (b) you're too distraught/angry/overwhelmed to say much, or © you're not sure you're invested in this site. If it's (a), then it will be hard to help and hard for you to reconcile with your wife. You have to be able to self-reflect and share your observations. If you don't have any and you're not used to thinking this way, well, that's a major obstacle to your healing whatever you do. Maybe I don't know enough to say this, but if this is the case I'd just divorce and start over. Either way, some individual counseling would be #1 on the list of things to do in response to this situation - and the rest of your life. I don't Know what to suggest in response to the possibility of (b) and ©. Edited February 28, 2017 by merrmeade Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Try answering these prompts in DETAIL, Justin: How, when and why did you find out about the affair? (Details) Did she tell you? Did you figure it out? Did someone else tell you? Was it already over? If so, for how long and why did it end? How did your wife act when you found out? What did she say? Did she seem relieved, distraught, indifferent, what? What has she said she wants to do? What have you been doing since you found out? If your mother had you test your son when she did, then she obviously had suspicions. Why? If she didn't tell you then, go ask her now. What did she know or observe? This is a huge missing link for us and maybe for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 On another board some time ago a frequent poster's tag line was something like this. You know it's time to divorce when the pain of not seeing your kid every day is less than the pain of living with your wandering spouse . And only you can tell if that happens. Or when. You know she is a cheater and a liar. Pay no attention to what she says now about your future together. Pay no attention to any attempts at hysterical bonding. Make sure you know the difference between displays of regret (that the A has been uncovered or ended) versus displays of remorse (that she begins to understand what she did to you by having this LTA with your ex friend). Some affairs are deal breakers. No shame in that. See a lawyer to learn what divorce and post divorce look like for you. Didn't mean you have to file, but knowledge is power and you need the knowledge. Finally, think about advice I've often given here. In any relationship the one who cares the least has the most power. So carefully observe what she does to learn how she really feels. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justinsparky82 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Try answering these prompts in DETAIL, Justin: How, when and why did you find out about the affair? (Details) Did she tell you? Did you figure it out? Did someone else tell you? Was it already over? If so, for how long and why did it end? How did your wife act when you found out? What did she say? Did she seem relieved, distraught, indifferent, what? What has she said she wants to do? What have you been doing since you found out? If your mother had you test your son when she did, then she obviously had suspicions. Why? If she didn't tell you then, go ask her now. What did she know or observe? This is a huge missing link for us and maybe for you. She basically just came to me and said that she has something to talk to me about, and then she just told me. It was over the beginning of this year in January. She was kind of hesitant but forward. I've been avoiding her since that day. I went to see a lawyer yesterday and got started with the procedure. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 She basically just came to me and said that she has something to talk to me about, and then she just told me. It was over the beginning of this year in January. She was kind of hesitant but forward. I've been avoiding her since that day. I went to see a lawyer yesterday and got started with the procedure. Depending upon your interest, If I were even thinking about reconciliation I'd want to know the following: Why did it end? Why did you decide to tell me? I'd ask my mother why she insisted that i test my child's DNA. Why should I believe her now? But to be honest, the level she stooped, in your bed, in your child's bed....IDK, to what other levels has she gone? So you're starting the process of Divorce now? Good move from my POV. It's her duty to make the repairs if at all possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justinsparky82 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 I share the feeling with you man. My wife's affair is only 1 month and I'm already totally devastated! Those mind movies will kill you to death if you decide to stay with her. I hope you ditched her afterwards. I do t know why some cheaters feel as if they shouldn't be questioned when they cheat on you. As if you're just supposed to just accept it like WTF?? Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Good for you. I don't see how you could ever trust her again. Cheating is one thing but cheating with your friend takes it to a whole new level. I cant even imagine the pain your in right now. File and walk away. You deserve better. Your the only person that is going to fight for you and what you deserve. Its the one thing I learned through all this. No one else is going to stand up for you. C Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 There's something very strange about this thread. Maybe it's the shock of a double betrayal, but it feels like pulling teeth to get info from you OP. If you want assistance, you need to communicate better. You still haven't answered why your mother said to get a DNA test and why do it twice? For you to not ask why your mother said this is very strange. Or if you did ask and don't want to tell us the response from your mother, just state that here. Has your mother been an issue in your marriage over the years? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 There's something very strange about this thread. Maybe it's the shock of a double betrayal, but it feels like pulling teeth to get info from you OP. If you want assistance, you need to communicate better. You still haven't answered why your mother said to get a DNA test and why do it twice? For you to not ask why your mother said this is very strange. Or if you did ask and don't want to tell us the response from your mother, just state that here. Has your mother been an issue in your marriage over the years? Its not all that surprising. The only person I talked to about my xW cheating on me was my brother. I barely even talked to my mom. I suffered for 10 years dealing with it. I have been in IT for years and never even gave it a thought to come look for a site like this. Some people just have a hard time sharing info even though they know they need help. I think we are just used to people coming here and opening up. Imagine all the other people out there that never say a word and either stay or divorce. I'm glad he is trying. I think that in itself is a start in the right direction to getting help. C 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 She basically just came to me and said that she has something to talk to me about, and then she just told me. It was over the beginning of this year in January. She was kind of hesitant but forward. I've been avoiding her since that day. I went to see a lawyer yesterday and got started with the procedure. Good for you. I've been where you are. I know the pain. Believe me life will be better without her in it. Even though it does not seem like it now. It took me divorcing my ex serial cheating wife for me to be able to step back and view her with objective clarity. Once the love-goggles were off, I saw her for the selfish, manipulative and evil person she was. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Just, It is not that simple. The actions are, the why isn't. Sooner or later you must face them or be haunted forever. Every relationship will be taint for the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 She basically just came to me and said that she has something to talk to me about, and then she just told me. It was over the beginning of this year in January. She was kind of hesitant but forward. I've been avoiding her since that day. I went to see a lawyer yesterday and got started with the procedure. Did you ask mom why the need for a DNA test? Are you going to get one done now? What did your WW say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justinsparky82 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Share Posted March 2, 2017 Did you ask mom why the need for a DNA test? Are you going to get one done now? What did your WW say? It's MINE... results came in yesterday 99.98% She said because he was a little too light skinned to be mine, but he got a little darker after a few weeks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justinsparky82 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 She did it with your son in the next room, or even asleep on the same bed She did it on your birthday She did it on your anniversary Her out of town trips to work/see family/hang with friends -- she was spending them with him She kissed you minutes after having him in her mouth She had sex with you right after him Believe me, she didn't come clean with much. Just outta curiosity why do you think that she always had sex with me after. And or always kissed me afterwards.?? Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Are you really asking this question??? Because as long as her affair was these things happened, that is why!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Just outta curiosity why do you think that she always had sex with me after. And or always kissed me afterwards.?? Because she had sex with the OM while married to you. Denial is you think that used her spare "love box" with him. That she washed her body down inside and out with Listerine, Lysol, Clorox, and Mr Clean after sex with the OM before she climbed into your bed, and that WW used an oral diaphragm when giving OM oral sex and kissing. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 (edited) I believe the point they are trying to make is people in long term affairs rarely use protection, the other man's sperm, once deposited into your wife's vagina can live for up to five days. If you and your wife were sexual once or twice a week and she and other man were at least once a week chances are you all shared each other. Some cheaters get an extra rush from this knowledge. That was a reality that was hard for me to get over. Other man and your wife knew, you didn't. You and your pretend friend were a lot closer then you thought over their 5 year affair. This is why it is so important to get tested for all STD's, who knows how many women other man had sex with during those 5 years. Edited March 3, 2017 by aliveagain 7 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 But I have always wondered why some people write such intentionally inflammatory posts. His question is innocent and so reinforces the fact that it's manipulative. I absolutely HATED this kind of obvious manipulation using inflammatory rhetoric when I'd just found out I'd been a BW. What do the posters get out of it? It's no different from using journalism to make readers believe your agenda. These kinds of posts are particularly vitriolic and based on assumption. It's insulting to the intellect and manipulative. Poor OP doesn't need to be goaded and ridiculed bc being 'cuckolded' some how makes him less of a man. We should help him become more aware, observant and cognizant of infidelity patterns so he can think for hims lf and be stronger in the long run. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 But I have always wondered why some people write such intentionally inflammatory posts. His question is innocent and so reinforces the fact that it's manipulative. I absolutely HATED this kind of obvious manipulation using inflammatory rhetoric when I'd just found out I'd been a BW. What do the posters get out of it? It's no different from using journalism to make readers believe your agenda. These kinds of posts are particularly vitriolic and based on assumption. It's insulting to the intellect and manipulative. Poor OP doesn't need to be goaded and ridiculed bc being 'cuckolded' some how makes him less of a man. We should help him become more aware, observant and cognizant of infidelity patterns so he can think for hims lf and be stronger in the long run. In many of these situations, the BS is in such a state of shock, and so muddle headed that you figuratively have to hit them in the head with a 2x4. A lot of times they cannot even understand the ramifications of what has happened to them. Like "why should I get tested for std's"??? The questions should be more like, how fast can I get tested? Link to post Share on other sites
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