I don't know what to do, I am a mistress

[Northcenter]

[] The guy I'm involved with was just someone I spoke to in passing at work. I had no interest in him at all, then he started really pursuing me. I am married and I thought he was single. He started flirting a little more and we started having longer conversations and then a year later, I found myself really attracted to him. He is 30 years older than me, I am 32. There is some crazy chemistry between us though. I was shocked when I learned he was married but I couldn't help flirting back. Then I started showing him interest and he pulled back and I felt like I was pursuing him so I stopped and pulled back as well. Then 2 weeks afterwards, I saw him and he gave me a squeezing hug that lasted about 10 mins and he told me it's been too long and he missed me. He rubbed my hair then face, kissed me twice on my cheek and then on my lips.

 

We met 5 times after that first day and our hugs were so much and we started hugging with our heads touching and he would tell me it feels good just to hug me, and he would close his eyes and inhale and rub our faces when we hugged. He even picked me up the last time I was with him and said I missed my baby, when usually we referred to each other as friends.

 

Then after that, he started avoiding me again and acting like he couldn't look me in the face. I fell in love with him and I know he loves me too. He told me he was going out of his mind over me and he couldn't stop thinking of me.

 

But then he wouldn't even talk to me hardly, just a smile and wave and he said hi. For 3 months he did that and then I saw him again and he said, "are you working here today?" Stumbling trying to get the words out but he was extremely happy to see me. So I said yes and he said good.

 

Then after that he started avoiding me again. He is driving me insane cause I can't stop thinking of him. And I don't know what to do. I've never had these feelings before.

Edited February 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
post copied to its own thread and reference to other thread redacted ~6

[Starswillshine]

You are married. Don't know what to do? Ignore him. You are both crossing boundaries. Nothing good will come from this.

 

Turn your thoughts to your husband. Make your marriage stronger.

 

It really is that simple.

[NTV]

You can also tell your husband.

[Life lessons]

[] The guy I'm involved with was just someone I spoke to in passing at work. I had no interest in him at all, then he started really pursuing me. I am married and I thought he was single. He started flirting a little more and we started having longer conversations and then a year later, I found myself really attracted to him. He is 30 years older than me, I am 32. There is some crazy chemistry between us though. I was shocked when I learned he was married but I couldn't help flirting back. Then I started showing him interest and he pulled back and I felt like I was pursuing him so I stopped and pulled back as well. Then 2 weeks afterwards, I saw him and he gave me a squeezing hug that lasted about 10 mins and he told me it's been too long and he missed me. He rubbed my hair then face, kissed me twice on my cheek and then on my lips.

 

We met 5 times after that first day and our hugs were so much and we started hugging with our heads touching and he would tell me it feels good just to hug me, and he would close his eyes and inhale and rub our faces when we hugged. He even picked me up the last time I was with him and said I missed my baby, when usually we referred to each other as friends.

 

Then after that, he started avoiding me again and acting like he couldn't look me in the face. I fell in love with him and I know he loves me too. He told me he was going out of his mind over me and he couldn't stop thinking of me.

 

But then he wouldn't even talk to me hardly, just a smile and wave and he said hi. For 3 months he did that and then I saw him again and he said, "are you working here today?" Stumbling trying to get the words out but he was extremely happy to see me. So I said yes and he said good.

 

Then after that he started avoiding me again. He is driving me insane cause I can't stop thinking of him. And I don't know what to do. I've never had these feelings before.

 

Run!!! Trust me! If you don't then you will 100% regret not doing so!!

[BaileyB]

Nothing good will come of this. Proceed at your own risk!

[FoundMyStrength]

You are both married. At 60+ years old, he may very well have been married for 30+ years. This will not go anywhere.

 

I view my EA, one-time PA as one of the "best-case" scenarios. I truly believe my xMM loved me, and I him. We were mostly honest with each other, we said goodbye when it needed to happen, we've respected each other's decisions about working on his marriage and needing no contact.

 

And, still, the guilt, shame, loss, and pain has been excruciating. I was depressed for months. And I feel like there is now a permanent piece of me that is wary, cynical, and distrusting (of myself and others).

 

The truth is, there are very few good endings to an affair. The only good ending is to end it before it even starts. Please do that. This is no love story.

[Darren Steez]

I've never had these feelings before.

 

Surely you'd get a divorce because if you've "never felt like this before" then you married the wrong guy.

 

Get a divorce and you can pursue these incredible feelings all you like.

 

It's simple no?

[Overtaxed]

You are both married. At 60+ years old, he may very well have been married for 30+ years. This will not go anywhere.

 

I view my EA, one-time PA as one of the "best-case" scenarios. I truly believe my xMM loved me, and I him. We were mostly honest with each other, we said goodbye when it needed to happen, we've respected each other's decisions about working on his marriage and needing no contact.

 

And, still, the guilt, shame, loss, and pain has been excruciating. I was depressed for months. And I feel like there is now a permanent piece of me that is wary, cynical, and distrusting (of myself and others).

 

The truth is, there are very few good endings to an affair. The only good ending is to end it before it even starts. Please do that. This is no love story.

 

Bolded.

 

I know posters jump on me for this, but your chances of getting a "happily ever after" that started as an A are almost 0. Even if you marry, your chances of D are close to 75%. And you only have, at best, a 10% chance to get to that 75% chance of D, most men don't leave their wives for an AP. 1-3% chance is cited in this article, I've read as high as 10% other places, but, either way, it's a terrible hurdle to overcome in a relationship and the VAST majority of relationships that start as an A won't make it:

 

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/12/09/do-affairs-end-up-in-successful-relationships-13/

 

Let me draw you an analogy from my young adulthood. I had a drug problem when I was in my late teens with heroin. OMG, right?! Heroin, everyone gets addicted to that!! How dangerous and irresponsible of you.

 

Now, the last part you'd be right about. However, the first part, not so much. See, thing is, about 50-75% of people who use heroin will not become addicted to it. So, let's say, worst case, you have a 50/50 shot; about 1/2 of people will use and be OK afterwards. And will get a feeling that's far beyond the normal realm of human experience, nothing "natural" (sex, affair, etc) will ever match it.

 

First Time Heroin Use | Does Heroin Addiction Happen Quickly?

 

And you have a 50% chance of it "working out"! Dramatically better than your chances of an A working out. Ready to sign up for that? Didn't think so, and you shouldn't, but, by carrying on an A, you're setting yourself up in the same pattern of addiction (just to your AP rather than a chemical) that has a MUCH HIGHER chance of leading to horrible heartbreak.

 

The odds are just not in your favor. If you're like my friends and having A's to get more sex, maybe it'll work out for you (at least until you get caught). But if you're having an A for "love"? You're chances of getting what you're actually after are close enough to 0 that you should probably just consider them 0. You're not going to find it unless, statistically, you're willing to engage in somewhere between 10 and 100 affairs (depending on who's numbers you believe).

[Jersey born raised]

Ego kibbles on both side. Establishing strong successful working reiationships is easy, real life not nearly so.

 

Search for "the five love languages it will help you detach and avoid future pitfalls.

[Northcenter]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I know I'm not going to divorce my husband and one day I will tell him. He cheated on me a couple years ago and I think that's why I eventually gave in to my feelings for this other guy. I hate I even started this affair with him. I just don't know how to get rid of these feelings. I've heard about not being able to breathe but never knew what it meant to feel like that and it's not fun when u feel this way about someone you can never be with. I have hot flashes thinking of him and a knot forms in my chest that moves to my throat and for 30 secs, I can't breathe. And it's crazy because he told me he felt like this 3 months ago and now I'm experiencing it and it sucks. That feeling where u literally cannot stop thinking of someone no matter how hard you try, it's a feeling I've never had as well and that feeling sucks too. So I am trying to find distractions to keep me from thinking of him.

 

I guess it also bothers me that he is too scared to talk to me one minute and then the next he is saying I'm so happy to see you. I know he is scared of his feelings as well.

[BaileyB]

But, it's a fantasy. These "feelings" you have are nothing more than a rush of adrenalin you feel because you are doing something illicit with this man. It's exciting, but it's not real.

 

What you have with your husband is real. What you have with this man is pure fantasy right now.

[BuddyX]

You seem to be more concerned with the OM than your H. Why not just divorce?

[Northcenter]

I know that I don't have a future with this other guy. I just want to stop thinking about him. And it is really hard.

 

I dont want to divorce my husband, I want to get back what we used to have. We've been married for 11 years and I do love him. But even before he cheated I felt a little disconnection and I've been trying to get the feelings back that I used to have with my husband for years now and I know I made a stupid mistake falling for this guy. But I do feel like these replies have already helped me a little.

 

I only see him like twice a month at work and every time I do, I can't stop thinking of him for days, so frustrating.

[elaine567]

When your husband cheated what steps did you take to get over that?

Was is a long term affair or a ONS?

Did you find out or did he confess?

Has he been remorseful?

[FoundMyStrength]

I have hot flashes thinking of him and a knot forms in my chest that moves to my throat and for 30 secs, I can't breathe. And it's crazy because he told me he felt like this 3 months ago and now I'm experiencing it and it sucks. That feeling where u literally cannot stop thinking of someone no matter how hard you try, it's a feeling I've never had as well and that feeling sucks too.

 

I would imagine nearly all, if not all, of the OW/OM and MM/MW on this forum would say that they have also felt this similar type of feeling about their affair partner. It's a combo of hormones, addictive dopamine rushes, and the other chemicals that rush through our body when we start falling for someone. The "push/pull" of affairs (professing feelings one day, withdrawing the next out of guilt) makes this addiction to the other person even stronger. It's called "limerence" -- look it up online.

 

Look, I'm 4 months into complete no contact (6 months since I've seen him), and I think the limerence finally wore off a couple of months ago. What's left is the awareness that there was actual love beneath the limerence. But when I was in "the fog", I couldn't see how awful and damaging and hurtful the affair was (to all parties). Now I can. Love happens, sometimes unexpectedly. But now that I'm on the other side, I wish I had been able to see through the limerence so that I could have run in the other direction. So I could have avoided hurting another woman. And myself.

 

If you want to stop feeling the limerence, you need to limit contact with him. Hopefully that's possible in your workplace (you will need to talk with him to set up boundaries for how/when you communicate). If not, you should seriously consider finding another job, if you can.

[Northcenter]

It was only a one night stand with someone he met out of town in vegas. I found out through a text from one of his friends. We were having a hard time when he had the affair cause we had been trying to get pregnant for over 5 years and it was ruff. We decided to stop trying and just let it happen naturally (still not pregnant, which is good since our marriage is kind of broken right now). I think that was a huge problem, because it was so stressful.

 

He has been very sweet and trying to make up for it and he showed me how sorry he was and I felt he was sincere. And I forgave him but I guess a part of me still hurt from that. And When I found out the other guy was married, I had already fallen for him and I couldn't stop myself from wanting to hug him, even though I felt awful about it. I would ache so bad, just for a hug. So I definitely want to stop feeling that limerence and get out of this fog, cause it is just like a drug addiction.

 

I guess I haven't really taking any steps to get over the affair my husband had. I just accepted it and then embraced this other guys friendship.

[ShatteredLady]

If you can get your head there, empathy for his wife could be a good motivator to runaway from this.

 

Remember how you felt when you read that about your husband? Imagine being his wife & knowing the things he's said to you? It will DESTROY her. Do you realize how much worse what you're doing is?

 

Maybe he's a serial cheat & he's completely playing you. Maybe it's an age thing. Deep inside you KNOW that this isn't some soul-mate twaddle.

 

My husband has cheated on me. I'd like to say that you're a bad, bad lady & I think your behavior is beneath me. Judgement. Judgement. Judgement! Let's be honest, your husband ripped your heart out & caused a vulnerability. It's not worth screwing your marriage up over.

 

Maybe talk to your husband. Be completely & utterly honest (once you've truly figured out what that is) & it should help resolve the issues from the past & pull you guys closer together.

 

You're REALLY romanticizing what's going on here. Deep down inside you must know that you're not star crossed lovers. You sound like such an addict. Read around this forum a LOT.

 

I'm sorry that your husband hurt you like that. It REALLY sucks doesn't it?

[Northcenter]

Thanks, I think that will be a good motivator for me (empathy for his wife). I think that I am actually starting to see through the fog just by reading these comments. And it can become a thick coat of fog if I were to keep thinking of memories of us, such a crazy feeling. But I am going to try to focus on that. I feel more positive and that I can do this now. I don't want to hurt his wife and I know he doesn't want to hurt her either.

 

I thought that maybe he was cheater but, his actions speak so loud and it's not the words that he told me, it's the feelings he showed me. Like the eyes closed deep sigh hugs that last so long. Only thing we've done were just hugs besides the first time he kissed me which was the first time we hugged as well. But he said he has never done anything like this with anyone else than he told me about a women who he used to flirt with when he was 40 but he said, shoot..it was nothing like this. But I can't be certain, I just feel like he hasn't, just by the way he looks at me. He's 62 and I know my husband will think I'm crazy for falling for a guy so much older than me, never imagined I would be in a situation like this.

[BTDT2012]

I thought that maybe he was cheater but, his actions speak so loud and it's not the words that he told me, it's the feelings he showed me. Like the eyes closed deep sigh hugs that last so long. Only thing we've done were just hugs besides the first time he kissed me which was the first time we hugged as well. But he said he has never done anything like this with anyone else than he told me about a women who he used to flirt with when he was 40 but he said, shoot..it was nothing like this.

 

Sounds like cheaterspeak to me.

[gia37]

Two things are clear - something is seriously wrong in your marriage and you are attracted to much older men (daddy complex). When I was 25 I had a one month affair with a MM who was 55 at that time. I was profoundly in love with him and ofc he had also feelings for me, but nothing else came from it that I cried for him for three years. It is still a tender memory, he died last year (20 years later). Thank god it ended, I would be a widow at 45...

 

He made me realize I didn't love my husband and I divorced him with two children ten years later. You have no children.., I think it's a bad idea to conceive children in your marriage. Have an affair with that older guy if it helps you to realize things about yourself... it might not last, but I don't think you will be happier with your husband. Follow your heart.

[elaine567]

 

I guess I haven't really taking any steps to get over the affair my husband had. I just accepted it and then embraced this other guys friendship.

 

Hurt and betrayed by your husband's cheating and your failure to have kids, you fell prey to this older man who gave you deep meaningful hugs and made you feel loved but as you are finding out it is not love. Classic push/pull MM behaviour.

Get into therapy and sort your head out.

[Overtaxed]

I have hot flashes thinking of him and a knot forms in my chest that moves to my throat and for 30 secs, I can't breathe. And it's crazy because he told me he felt like this 3 months ago and now I'm experiencing it and it sucks. That feeling where u literally cannot stop thinking of someone no matter how hard you try, it's a feeling I've never had as well and that feeling sucks too. So I am trying to find distractions to keep me from thinking of him.

 

But, it's a fantasy. These "feelings" you have are nothing more than a rush of adrenalin you feel because you are doing something illicit with this man. It's exciting, but it's not real.

 

What you have with your husband is real. What you have with this man is pure fantasy right now.

 

Also, you need to realize that there's a very good chance that he doesn't feel the same way about you. It's a fantasy, and his fantasy is probably sleeping with another woman, not a fantasy about falling in love with someone else. While you choke up at the thought of him talking with you, his thoughts are primarily about your sexual relationship.

 

And, as others said, it's a fantasy. Reading the messages from my W to her AP and vice versa, it was total make believe. They talked about things and just stoked each other with what the other wanted to hear; there was little/no basis in reality. No long term partner can compete with that; there was a movie that came out when I was younger called "Say Anything". I think that's apt for an A, and I think that's what most WS's do; it doesn't matter if you really want to marry your AP or not, tell them you do, because you'll never have to act on it. Tell them you want to make babies with them. Tell them you'll support their decisions, support them staying home, going back to college, whatever.. It doesn't matter, because you'll never have to carry through on any of it. At least in my wife's case, even before it turned physical, the "future faking" was at least 50% of the messages from the AP to her. And after D-day? He disappeared from her life and went back to his wife. Mercifully in some ways, but telling in others. Sad thing is, he got what he wanted from the A (sex), where my wife did not get at all what she wanted (emotional connection). She thought she did, but now, I think she realizes, what she really got was a man who was willing to say anything to get sex. Not exactly what most women are looking for, but what they will find when entering in an A with a married man in most cases.