Girlfriend going out with male friend? [UPDATE: my girlfriend has asked for space]

[chris9210]

So my girlfriend recently came to me and asked if I'd mind if she went out for drinks with her male friend. I said I didn't as that was the truth at the time, however after some thinking I've realised I'm not OK with it as I know what most guys are like, they don't seem to have any respect for other peoples relationships so would try it on even if the girl has a boyfriend. I don't think she would cheat but obviously I can't be 100% sure. So I guess my question is, should I be bothered by this or am I thinking too much into it? I'm worried that he will get her drunk and this will cause her to be more open to suggestion, ie the suggestion to cheat. I keep imagining scenarios of what could happen which I know really isn't healthy. Not sure what to do or if this should even be a problem? I figure if I trust her then its a none issue right? Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[Space Ritual]

I'm worried that he will get her drunk and this will cause her to be more open to suggestion, ie the suggestion to cheat.

 

So this means she has no will of her own? Do you think he would have to"get her drunk"?

 

Do you have visions of him pouring Jagermeister down her throat with a gun to her head demanding a BJ?

 

You are approaching this in the vein that she has no mind of her own.

 

 

Look, if she is going to cheat on you,she will.

 

You are well within your right to be suspicious, however, if it were to happen, you are already laying the groundwork for accepting she would never be unfaithful of her own accord. And that is dangerous. That in and of itself lends itself to playing the pick me dance down the road if you discover later on she has been unfaithful.

 

She asked you, you agreed. Again, I would give her a little more credit than operating under the assumption she is an automaton.

Edited March 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[d0nnivain]

No you shouldn't worry about it. She was upfront & above board. Even if this friend is a jerk with no respect for boundaries or your relationship, your GF seems level headed & ethical. Trust her.

[road]

If she was my gf she would be my ex gf.

[bluefeather]

if I trust her then its a none issue right?

 

Kind of. It depends on the nature of your relationship and the boundaries you both have.

 

I've been ok with girls I was in serious relationships with doing things like that before, but that's because our trust for eachother was huge. And I never had any doubts like you are right now. So if you are having doubts, maybe you really don't trust her.

 

But if she was someone I had just recently gotten into a serious relationship with, I might have a problem with it. There isn't really a blanket answer for how to respond to that - Like I said, it is up to you and her to decide what is acceptable and what is not.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have a few completely platonic male friends with whom I'll grab the occasional coffee or drink. That is truly all there is to it.

 

Has your girlfriend ever given you a reason not to trust her? Even if this friend tries something with her, your girlfriend has a voice and can turn him down. It's not as though she would be powerless to say no or set appropriate boundaries.

[Darren Steez]

I don't know there's going out for a few drinks, like an hour or two, then there's going out for four hours plus, and if it's just the two of them then...that's a date.

 

If you're not okay with it, then you're not ok with it, you tell her. What is the nature of this relationship? Work or a dude who started talking to her in a grocery queue? Do you know the dude? Would she be ok if you told her a girl asked you out for drinks? Does she usually have drinks alone with just the other person?

 

I'm all for trust, but trust these days gets you kicked in the nuts because going out for drinks is definitely an escalation from say having a coffee because unless he's a douche they drink, get tipsy, dance..that's bonding then he'll have to take her home or at least make sure she gets there safely.

 

Would like to know more info on this guy and the nature of their relationship and if she regularly goes out solo with other dudes or girls for drinks..and how long is the date for?

[chris9210]

I don't know there's going out for a few drinks, like an hour or two, then there's going out for four hours plus, and if it's just the two of them then...that's a date.

 

If you're not okay with it, then you're not ok with it, you tell her. What is the nature of this relationship? Work or a dude who started talking to her in a grocery queue? Do you know the dude? Would she be ok if you told her a girl asked you out for drinks? Does she usually have drinks alone with just the other person?

 

I'm all for trust, but trust these days gets you kicked in the nuts because going out for drinks is definitely an escalation from say having a coffee because unless he's a douche they drink, get tipsy, dance..that's bonding then he'll have to take her home or at least make sure she gets there safely.

 

Would like to know more info on this guy and the nature of their relationship and if she regularly goes out solo with other dudes or girls for drinks..and how long is the date for?

 

I contemplated telling her how I felt but was worried this would push her away as she'd think I didn't trust her. I trust my girlfriend, its the other guy I don't trust as I have never met him plus I know what guys can be like. They've been friends for years (like 10+) which is why I didn't have a problem with it at first, as my thinking was if anything was gonna happen between them it would have by now surely? However, I then realised that something may have happened with the, I don't know either way. A girl asked me out for drinks a few weeks ago and she said she'd be fine with it but I didn't go out of respect for my girlfriend as I knew the other girl liked me. This is the first time she's been out alone with someone else, I just thought it was a bit strange as she said they were "catching up". Not sure what they have to catch up on but I guess if they've been friends for so long they'll have gotten close. And like I said, she wouldn't have told me about the meeting if there was anything untoward surely?

[chris9210]

I'm worried that he will get her drunk and this will cause her to be more open to suggestion, ie the suggestion to cheat.

 

So this means she has no will of her own? Do you think he would have to"get her drunk"?

 

Do you have visions of him pouring Jagermeister down her throat with a gun to her head demanding a BJ?

 

You are approaching this in the vein that she has no mind of her own.

 

 

Look, if she is going to cheat on you,she will.

 

You are well within your right to be suspicious, however, if it were to happen, you are already laying the groundwork for accepting she would never be unfaithful of her own accord. And that is dangerous. That in and of itself lends itself to playing the pick me dance down the road if you discover later on she has been unfaithful.

 

She asked you, you agreed. Again, I would give her a little more credit than operating under the assumption she is an automaton.

 

Yea that's true, as you said, if she's gonna cheat she will, regardless of circumstances. I'm just a bit worried as I've never met the guy

Edited March 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[chris9210]

I have a few completely platonic male friends with whom I'll grab the occasional coffee or drink. That is truly all there is to it.

 

Has your girlfriend ever given you a reason not to trust her? Even if this friend tries something with her, your girlfriend has a voice and can turn him down. It's not as though she would be powerless to say no or set appropriate boundaries.

 

No and I trust her completely, its just the other guy I don't trust, plus I've been told that girls are more open to suggestion when drunk, which may be ridiculous but it has fueled the doubt in my mind and made me worry.

[d0nnivain]

I'm just a bit worried as I've never met the guy

 

 

Offer to go pick her up afterwards so she has a safe, sober ride home. Then you get to meet him.

Edited March 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[chris9210]

Offer to go pick her up afterwards so she has a safe, sober ride home. Then you get to meet him.

 

Good idea, I may just do this, thanks!

Edited March 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[bluefeather]

No and I trust her completely, its just the other guy I don't trust, plus I've been told that girls are more open to suggestion when drunk, which may be ridiculous but it has fueled the doubt in my mind and made me worry.

 

You don't trust her. That's what all that said to me.

[Lilyana76]

If you TRULY trusted her, you wouldn't be questioning this at all. Because, if this man comes on to her, she would shoot him down.

 

Truth is, you don't trust her, and you don't trust her "friendship" with this man.

[Cheekbubble]

Let her know your concern.

Maybe next time you join them and see whats going on, who he is etc.

 

But on the other hand its weird. Its better not to be alone with the other sexe.

Go with a group to avoid weird stuff from happen. since we all humans.

[Poutrew]

A girl asked me out for drinks a few weeks ago and she said she'd be fine with it but I didn't go out of respect for my girlfriend as I knew the other girl liked me.

 

Seems to me that you value the relationship more than she does. If she does actually go out with him, then you have a problem - because you can bet that the same thought process that happened to you which resulted in you not going out with the girl is also happening to her, but she dismissed it and went out anyway. All you can do is observe her reactions when she gets home. You can get a clue as to whether something happened that she isn't talking about. Also, if she gets home really late and jumps right into the shower before going to bed, well, how dirty can she get if the meet up was harmless? At the very least, I'd wait a month or so, and then tell her again that you are going to go out with another girl. Yes, it is a lie. But, you need to go, even if all you do is go to the bookstore and browse isles for a few hours, and take in a movie. Keep the relationship equal, otherwise you risk her loosing respect for you...

[bluefeather]

At the very least, I'd wait a month or so, and then tell her again that you are going to go out with another girl. Yes, it is a lie. But, you need to go, even if all you do is go to the bookstore and browse isles for a few hours, and take in a movie. Keep the relationship equal, otherwise you risk her loosing respect for you...

 

I don't say this about other posters very often, but that is very bad advice. Lying to your partner does nothing good for your relationship, and it certainly doesn't make anything equal.

[rushed]

I've gone out for drinks with a male friend a couple of times. My boyfriend was completely fine with it. I let him know where I would be and that he was free to join us at any time. (He didn't by the way.) There was nothing going on and it's always been platonic between my and my male friend.

 

I love my boyfriend even more for his lack of jealousy and insecurity. I had an ex who hated it when I would go out with friends (male or female) without him. It was so unattractive and I built up a lot of resentment towards him because of it.

 

Like others have said, if your girlfriend is going to cheat she's going to do so regardless.

[Marc878]

Go to dinner with a female acquaintance and see if it's ok.

 

This stuff blows up all the time but then she's just a gf no big loss if it does.

[fireflywy]

Trust your gut. There are a ton of other venues they could go to without mixing judgment skewing alcohol into the mix after hours. Loveshack is FULL of stories of men with women who insisted their guy friends were just a friend (after they called their BF controlling and insecure first of course) and then slipped up when alcohol was thrown in.

 

If this is a boundary for you, then enforce it. With that said, beware that she may have different views of it which could cause a schism between you. If it's important enough to you to enforce it and she doesn't like it, then regardless of any names that she throws at you (insecure, controlling, jerk, etc) you did what you thought you had to do and perhaps she isn't the right one (there are women out there with the same view on things so don't fret).

 

Remember..."TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man."

 

Either way, good luck.

Edited February 25, 2017 by fireflywy

[chris9210]

Trust your gut. There are a ton of other venues they could go to without mixing judgment skewing alcohol into the mix after hours. Loveshack is FULL of stories of men with women who insisted their guy friends were just a friend (after they called their BF controlling and insecure first of course) and then slipped up when alcohol was thrown in.

 

If this is a boundary for you, then enforce it. With that said, beware that she may have different views of it which could cause a schism between you. If it's important enough to you to enforce it and she doesn't like it, then regardless of any names that she throws at you (insecure, controlling, jerk, etc) you did what you thought you had to do and perhaps she isn't the right one (there are women out there with the same view on things so don't fret).

 

Remember..."TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man."

 

Either way, good luck.

 

Hmm I hadn't thought of that, maybe the reason they're going for drinks is because its relatively cheap and easy? Plus it's close to her home, you are right though why does it have to be drinks? My gut says to trust her but my insecurities and my past make me doubt things even if they're as innocent as this seems. I will try to set boundaries with her though for future!

[chris9210]

I've gone out for drinks with a male friend a couple of times. My boyfriend was completely fine with it. I let him know where I would be and that he was free to join us at any time. (He didn't by the way.) There was nothing going on and it's always been platonic between my and my male friend.

 

I love my boyfriend even more for his lack of jealousy and insecurity. I had an ex who hated it when I would go out with friends (male or female) without him. It was so unattractive and I built up a lot of resentment towards him because of it.

 

Like others have said, if your girlfriend is going to cheat she's going to do so regardless.

 

Yea I know people can be friends with the opposite sex, I just worry that he may have hidden motives, as one usually develops feelings for the other (at least in my experience), obviously this isn't always the case and I guess of they've known each other for so long without anything happening, then something isn't likely to happen. If she invited me along I'd be fine with it, she hasn't though but I'm trying not to read anything into this and I want to be able to trust her, tomorrow will be a good test of this

[bubbaganoosh]

I've seen enough of these posts and I can understand you position but if anything goes on between them that isn't "Just friends" and it's something more than that, you'll know by the way she's acting.

 

If something more takes place then drinks and friendly she's going to show a different personality like being more standoffish and maybe moody, that sort of thing. If she shows signs like that, then you might have something to worry about. Keep your eyes and ears open but don't go looking for trouble. most of the time this kind of stuff comes out on it's own.

[chris9210]

I've seen enough of these posts and I can understand you position but if anything goes on between them that isn't "Just friends" and it's something more than that, you'll know by the way she's acting.

 

If something more takes place then drinks and friendly she's going to show a different personality like being more standoffish and maybe moody, that sort of thing. If she shows signs like that, then you might have something to worry about. Keep your eyes and ears open but don't go looking for trouble. most of the time this kind of stuff comes out on it's own.

 

OK thank you, its handy to know what signs to look out for!

[road]

Life has shown me that men and women do not need opposite sex

friends. Your significant other is the only opposite sex friend that

one needs.

 

 

Many men will play the good friend angle to eventually work a woman's

panties off. Going out for drinks with another man without her

BF/husband is just making things ease for the OM to move in on her.

 

 

I have seen to many affairs start this way. The best way to prevent

affairs is to keep off the slippery slope of behavior that allows affairs

to happen.

 

 

Also a dollar for every time a WW/GF back story never has women friends

claims women don't get "her". Those women do get her and see her as

the predator poacher of other women's men.

 

 

The tired old excuse that he/she gives me an alternative view point to

justify keeping opposite sex friends close.