Girlfriend going out with male friend? [UPDATE: my girlfriend has asked for space]

[MIKEB1950]

i may have assumed something in your posts:

 

if they are "drinking" close to home why do they not come round and join you after all "knowing" the guy but have never "met" her close friend of 10 years, be a good time to press the flesh and get to know him to.

 

you might have more than your g/f in common

[Darren Steez]

I contemplated telling her how I felt but was worried this would push her away as she'd think I didn't trust her. I trust my girlfriend, its the other guy I don't trust as I have never met him plus I know what guys can be like. They've been friends for years (like 10+) which is why I didn't have a problem with it at first, as my thinking was if anything was gonna happen between them it would have by now surely? However, I then realised that something may have happened with the, I don't know either way. A girl asked me out for drinks a few weeks ago and she said she'd be fine with it but I didn't go out of respect for my girlfriend as I knew the other girl liked me. This is the first time she's been out alone with someone else, I just thought it was a bit strange as she said they were "catching up". Not sure what they have to catch up on but I guess if they've been friends for so long they'll have gotten close. And like I said, she wouldn't have told me about the meeting if there was anything untoward surely?

 

Wait a second, so they've known each other for 10 years but you've never meet him?

 

Surely if they are just buddies you can go along as well and why "catch up" alone just the two of them over drinks at night? Surely one normally catches up over a coffee, maybe lunch..dinner becomes sort of like a date IMO but heck even dinner would be alright.

 

Automatic red flags are friends you've never met or excluded from meeting.

 

And why wouldn't she tell you about the meeting? She wants to go, it's at night, rather than lie about that big chunk of time she will be unavailable she told you. I'm not saying she's going out with the intention to sleep with him but it's definitely a very informal and intimate get together.

 

If it's all above board why not suggest you tag along and meet this guy you've never met?

[Marc878]

Life has shown me that men and women do not need opposite sex

friends. Your significant other is the only opposite sex friend that

one needs.

 

 

Many men will play the good friend angle to eventually work a woman's

panties off. Going out for drinks with another man without her

BF/husband is just making things ease for the OM to move in on her.

 

 

I have seen to many affairs start this way. The best way to prevent

affairs is to keep off the slippery slope of behavior that allows affairs

to happen.

 

 

Also a dollar for every time a WW/GF back story never has women friends

claims women don't get "her". Those women do get her and see her as

the predator poacher of other women's men.

 

 

The tired old excuse that he/she gives me an alternative view point to

justify keeping opposite sex friends close.

 

Truer words were never written. Many affairs start out this way.

 

Many think they can handle it but if you walk on the ledge enough you will fall off. Read up. It's all over the place. To ignore is naive

[Friskyone4u]

Wait a second, so they've known each other for 10 years but you've never meet him?

 

Surely if they are just buddies you can go along as well and why "catch up" alone just the two of them over drinks at night? Surely one normally catches up over a coffee, maybe lunch..dinner becomes sort of like a date IMO but heck even dinner would be alright.

 

Automatic red flags are friends you've never met or excluded from meeting.

 

And why wouldn't she tell you about the meeting? She wants to go, it's at night, rather than lie about that big chunk of time she will be unavailable she told you. I'm not saying she's going out with the intention to sleep with him but it's definitely a very informal and intimate get together.

 

If it's all above board why not suggest you tag along and meet this guy you've never met?

 

 

Chris,

 

Please read the above again. You are getting some crappy advice here buddy. lets recap

(1) you are in from what you state an "exclusive' relationship

(2) all of a sudden a male "friend" of 10 years that you have never heard talked about of brought up suddenly appears magically

(3) your girlfriend makes plans to go out ALONE with him and THEN informs you what she is doing

(4) you are not invited or even given any further explanation

(5) this is not going out for coffee. They are going out at night to places with alcohol, with no information of whether or not she is having a drink or two with him or spending the night with him

(6) where does "phantom man live"??? In your town or out of town,. If he lives in same city, the fact that you never heard his name makes this preposterous

 

So, on the basis of above, you are getting told to just suck your thumb, ask for no further explanation, and "trust" her. And of course if you ask any questions on any of this you must be a controlling jealous idiot, right???

 

my friend, your gut brought you to an anonymous forum of strangers and the old saying is trust your gut.

 

Your girlfriend in no uncertain terms wants to go out ALONE with this guy who you have no clue who is. She wants it uninterrupted with no chance of you being sure he knows she has a boyfriend. She does not want you to meet him, which is obvious. This would sound a hell of a lot more innocent had she told you where she was going and invited you to at least stop by to meet this so called "friend". Why would she not want to do that.???

 

And now you are being told by some that they have gone out for drinks with men and nothing happened. Guess what. probably 95% of women and men who engage in inappropriate behavior NEVER planned for it to happen. What they did do is put themselves in positions where the temptation becomes more than they can resist and make a poor decision.

 

So you need to either sit her down and calmly explain to her what makes you uneasy, ask her why she has made it clear you are excluded, and get some information on who the hell this guy is.

 

Men and women can be friends IF boundaries are established and adhered to. Starting out with going on a date, and this is a date because you have no clue if she has really known this guy ten years or ten days, is not the way you have boundaries. You might want to read a book called " Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

 

You also might want to read this forum and read how many times the betrayed spouse or partner is told he or she is "just a friend". This so called friend has just been beamed into your life out of nowhere. I suggest you do not play ostrich.

[MIKEB1950]

i do not correlate with your view with the bad advice OP has received:

 

Nuance of what most have said differs little from yourself it is perhaps that we want him to think a little more for and of himself - rather than telling him what to do.

 

slowly slowly catch a monkey:D

[chris9210]

I suppose tonight is the real test and I will know either way if my trust is justified or not. She knows my past though and that I've been hurt before so I'm hoping she's decent enough to not do anything with this guy out of respect for me. We have made plans for the future etc so surely she won't jeopardize that for one night of sex? I'm choosing to trust her, more fool her if she abuses that trust. If she does then I'm done for sure.

[lolablue17]

Well, I think that trust comes always with a bit of a doubt. the definition is "trust, and at the same time be ware and prepared for everything."

 

your concerns shouldn't sum up with "Will she have sex with him tonight?" because the chances for that are probably very low. It's natural and legitimate to be worried with her going on dates with other males even if you know she won't have sex with them during the date.

 

Every person should be very sensitive to their partner's insecurities and to trying listen to what bothers them. For example, why didn't she invite him to your place with you there? If they are good friends, why not introducing between you two? Is she separating between her two worlds?

 

I think you are allowed to suggest that you'll pick her up after that and while that you'll have the chance to meet him. Her reaction might teach you a lot. If she reacts positively, than everything is great.

 

If she's becoming resentful, there you go... a red flag. 1. Why doesn't she want you to meet him? 2. A good and faithful Gf, who has nothing to hide, when she suspects that you're a bit insecure, she then should hug you, calm you down, and tell you that you can join when ever you want, just to show you how much she cares about you. Being resentful is a serious red flag.

 

If you're in a situation in which you're afraid to talk to her about it, then it's a different problem.

Edited February 26, 2017 by lolablue17

[Poutrew]

At the very least, if you can, activate the 'find my I-phone' feature on her phone so you can have a running view of where they go (or for how long they stay at his house). The next day, you can be all curious and ask how did her night go. If she leaves out the fact that they spent 4 hours in his home, you have enough information to know you are being played. I wouldn't even tell her, just demote her to a FWB until you eventually end it with her and find a more honorable female to hang with.

[chris9210]

Well, I think that trust comes always with a bit of a doubt. the definition is "trust, and at the same time be ware and prepared for everything."

 

your concerns shouldn't sum up with "Will she have sex with him tonight?" because the chances for that are probably very low. It's natural and legitimate to be worried with her going on dates with other males even if you know she won't have sex with them during the date.

 

Every person should be very sensitive to their partner's insecurities and to trying listen to what bothers them. For example, why didn't she invite him to your place with you there? If they are good friends, why not introducing between you two? Is she separating between her two worlds?

 

I think you are allowed to suggest that you'll pick her up after that and while that you'll have the chance to meet him. Her reaction might teach you a lot. If she reacts positively, than everything is great.

 

If she's becoming resentful, there you go... a red flag. 1. Why doesn't she want you to meet him? 2. A good and faithful Gf, who has nothing to hide, when she suspects that you're a bit insecure, she then should hug you, calm you down, and tell you that you can join when ever you want, just to show you how much she cares about you. Being resentful is a serious red flag.

 

If you're in a situation in which you're afraid to talk to her about it, then it's a different problem.

 

Well she's not said I can't join in, its just not come up in conversation, I didn't think to ask. She lives around 40 minutes away from me so it's not like I'm local and I don't have a car ATM so that's why I'm not picking her up. The pub they are going to is like 5 minutes from her house anyway so there'd be no point. If there is another meeting between them I'll ask if she minds me coming to hang out with them and see what she says. If she says yes then that'd be great as it would really put my mind at ease. She seems to be very interested in me though, she said she'll message me later and this may be a bit weird but I checked the opening times of the pub they're visiting so I had a rough idea of when she should be home, as if its any later than my estimate something is wrong there.

[chris9210]

At the very least, if you can, activate the 'find my I-phone' feature on her phone so you can have a running view of where they go (or for how long they stay at his house). The next day, you can be all curious and ask how did her night go. If she leaves out the fact that they spent 4 hours in his home, you have enough information to know you are being played. I wouldn't even tell her, just demote her to a FWB until you eventually end it with her and find a more honorable female to hang with.

 

She doesn't have an iPhone lol but I like your thinking. They're not going to his house as far as I'm aware, just a pub local to her which is only open until 11 anyway so its not like they're gonna be a long time. I hope they don't go to his house anyway as this would be a real kick in the balls.

[d0nnivain]

Chris9210

 

 

Trust but verify. Not every meeting between members of the opposite sex is sexual.

 

 

Remember she told you about this up front. She's not sneaking around. Have enough faith in her that if he does make a move she will say no.

 

 

Do keep your eyes open for any signs of change but don't become so paranoid that you let your own fear destroy your relationship.

[chris9210]

Well she came back like 3 hours after meeting so that was a relief, I was expecting her to be gone all night! Nothing happened between the 2 of them, I have learned that he lives close to her though which is slightly off putting but not really a major issue! Panic over!!

[chris9210]

Chris9210

 

 

Trust but verify. Not every meeting between members of the opposite sex is sexual.

 

 

Remember she told you about this up front. She's not sneaking around. Have enough faith in her that if he does make a move she will say no.

 

 

Do keep your eyes open for any signs of change but don't become so paranoid that you let your own fear destroy your relationship.

 

This was exactly my thinking, she could have easily kept this from me if she wanted to do some sneaking around and I'd have been none the wiser but she came to me which is why I trusted her. I won't be questioning her and will instead be enjoying the relationship from now on, im contemplating getting help for my insecurities though as I hate being this way

[Techmonkey]

, im contemplating getting help for my insecurities though as I hate being this way

 

It's stuff like this that will help you get past these insecurities. Learning to trust takes time. Especially if you've been hurt before. You did the right thing. You communicated your concerns and she accommodated you. Sounds like a good mix. As for the friend living closer... If she's known him 10+ years, she's probably had plenty of chances to get with him and (sounds like) she hasn't been involved with him. I highly doubt that would change now. Espescially if she cares about you enough to be open, honest, and help you work through your insecurity.

[Darren Steez]

Well she came back like 3 hours after meeting so that was a relief, I was expecting her to be gone all night! Nothing happened between the 2 of them, I have learned that he lives close to her though which is slightly off putting but not really a major issue! Panic over!!

 

So he lives close to her but you've never met him?

 

Why not ask her to invite him so you guys can have drinks? You've supposedly made plans for the future but you've never met this good friend? To me that's a no no.

 

Right now sure things maybe fine but the guy's an orbiter and all it takes is one argument or things getting stale.

[road]

Chris9210

 

 

Trust but verify. Not every meeting between members of the opposite sex is sexual.

 

 

Remember she told you about this up front. She's not sneaking around. Have enough faith in her that if he does make a move she will say no.

 

 

Do keep your eyes open for any signs of change but don't become so paranoid that you let your own fear destroy your relationship.

 

Well she came back like 3 hours after meeting so that was a relief, I was expecting her to be gone all night! Nothing happened between the 2 of them, I have learned that he lives close to her though which is slightly off putting but not really a major issue! Panic over!!

 

Keep your eyes opened wide for many a WW have hidden their OM

out in plain sight.

[darkmoon]

see them together and quietly note their body language

 

meeting each others' freinds to be sociable is usual,so invite him to something,======as``````````````````````````````````````````````````````=

[BluesPower]

Out of curiosity OP, how do you know nothing happened between them?

 

I mean, you don't have a car, you are 40 minutes away, you really have no idea what is going on.

 

And, you gut is telling you that something is not right????

 

I am not sure how old you are, but dude, get a car and maybe a new GF.

[carolann]

As many posters have said, the fact that she didn't invite you along and introduce you to this guy is a red flag. Most people want to introduce a SO to their friends.

 

Also, she is aware of your past but is insensitive enough to go through with this anyway so you could sit at home and let your imagination run wild.

 

When you're in a relationship that you value, you make allowances for your partner and their emotional well being. You GF isn't doing that and going out with this guy to drink doesn't show much respect for you.

 

You need to decide on boundaries with OS friends and have a conversation with your GF before this guy or some other hits her up for another night out or you'll be miserable all over again.

 

I know this is going to be a very unpopular statement on here but personally, I don't understand the need to have date-like alone time with opposite sex friends while in a relationship.

[Space Ritual]

Keep your eyes opened wide for many a WW have hidden their OM

out in plain sight.

 

You can say that again, Road...

 

 

 

OP, it may seem like she is above board and all, but if you read around here you will find plenty of stories where what Road describes has actually occurred. .They start talking a little too much about the other person or all of a sudden stop talking about them at all. Usually both extremes point n the same direction.

 

Just because she came back after 3 hours means nothing.

 

I am a somewhat reformed criminal. However I could cause a lot of damage if I had 3 hours to kill and arrive back home unscathed and smiling as if I was out sashaying around the town square with a parasol. 3 hours is 3 hours. Seriously man, that is a eternity for a cretin like me. lol

 

The point remains that this happened at all.

 

Just be wary if she is intent on another drinking night with this guy in the near future.

[d0nnivain]

Well she came back like 3 hours after meeting so that was a relief, I was expecting her to be gone all night! Nothing happened between the 2 of them, I have learned that he lives close to her though which is slightly off putting but not really a major issue! Panic over!!

 

 

Glad you were able to trust her & that she proved to you that she was worry of that trust.

 

 

Since he is such a long time friend, I suspect what somebody else said -- if she wanted to be with him that relationship would already have happened. Instead they are platonic & she's dating you.

 

 

While it's customary to introduce new SOs to old friends there is no set time table. If this was a GF, nobody would be bothered that you weren't invited. His gender shouldn't be the only factor.

 

 

If these meet ups become more often & you still don't get to meet him, that is an issue. This . . .one 3 hour catch up session -- should never be revisited.

[Rubix Cubed]

Well she came back like 3 hours after meeting so that was a relief, I was expecting her to be gone all night! Nothing happened between the 2 of them, I have learned that he lives close to her though which is slightly off putting but not really a major issue! Panic over!!

 

They've known each other for 10 years, live close to each other but still need to catch up?

I don't think your suspicions are unfounded. Keep your eyes open. As said before Trust but verify.

[Try]

This was exactly my thinking, she could have easily kept this from me if she wanted to do some sneaking around and I'd have been none the wiser but she came to me which is why I trusted her. I won't be questioning her and will instead be enjoying the relationship from now on, im contemplating getting help for my insecurities though as I hate being this way

Recognizing that another man may very well be trying to move in on your girlfriend by saying that he wants to be just friends with her is not an insecurity. It is a simple recognition of what men do. Most romantic relationship start out on a platonic basis, and in thread after thread in the infidelity section, most affairs starts out as in the open platonic relationships.

 

A date is when two people of the opposite sex get together one on one in order to get to know each other better on a personal basis, and which allows them the opportunity to be able to potentially develop a romantic attraction to each other. Most dates do not involve sex, and in the early stages do not even involve kissing. Thus to this guy that you have never met, her going for drinks alone with him was a date. The fact that she did not introduce you to him first or think to include you, indicates even more to the other man that this was a date.

 

Google "how to steal a woman from her man" and you will see that there are many sites that tell men how to do this. The advice always given is to first be their friend and then use that friendship to let her vent about her man. These sites tell you that no one is perfect so no matter who her man is, there will be issues that they can exploit. One such site said "You want to make the girl you want to steal away feel like she can do a lot better than the guy she is currently with. How do you do this? It is quite easy. You want to wait for the perfect opportunity to get your jabs in. Sooner or later she will mention something negative about her boyfriend and when she does you need to agree with her”. Another site titled “Taking Another Man's Woman: Part II” says such things as “She has to perceive your intentions as being strictly innocent and friendly. Getting her to accept you as a friend is very important because later in the strategy, she will have to trust your opinion about her relationship. If she views your intentions as wanting to seduce her, she will not value your opinion.”

 

Intentionally or unintentionally, your girlfriend is letting this other man (OM) get his foot in the door. She is giving herself the chance to get to know him better. As one site advised (and this is common advice) “She isn't going to leave her boyfriend for someone she doesn't know”. In other words, by befriending a guy that may be romantically interested in her, she is in effect still shopping and still on the market. You need to set up boundaries on opposite sex friends (OSF) that require that neither of you can have an OSF that is not first a friend of your relationship as a couple.

Edited March 2, 2017 by Try

[fireflywy]

Recognizing that another man may very well be trying to move in on your girlfriend by saying that he wants to be just friends with her is not an insecurity. It is a simple recognition of what men do. Most romantic relationship start out on a platonic basis, and in thread after thread in the infidelity section, most affairs starts out as in the open platonic relationships.

 

A date is when two people of the opposite sex get together one on one in order to get to know each other better on a personal basis, and which allows them the opportunity to be able to potentially develop a romantic attraction to each other. Most dates do not involve sex, and in the early stages do not even involve kissing. Thus to this guy that you have never met, her going for drinks alone with him was a date. The fact that she did not introduce you to him first or think to include you, indicates even more to the other man that this was a date.

 

Google "how to steal a woman from her man" and you will see that there are many sites that tell men how to do this. The advice always given is to first be their friend and then use that friendship to let her vent about her man. These sites tell you that no one is perfect so no matter who her man is, there will be issues that they can exploit. One such site said "You want to make the girl you want to steal away feel like she can do a lot better than the guy she is currently with. How do you do this? It is quite easy. You want to wait for the perfect opportunity to get your jabs in. Sooner or later she will mention something negative about her boyfriend and when she does you need to agree with her”. Another site titled “Taking Another Man's Woman: Part II” says such things as “She has to perceive your intentions as being strictly innocent and friendly. Getting her to accept you as a friend is very important because later in the strategy, she will have to trust your opinion about her relationship. If she views your intentions as wanting to seduce her, she will not value your opinion.”

 

Intentionally or unintentionally, your girlfriend is letting this other man (OM) get his foot in the door. She is giving herself the chance to get to know him better. As one site advised (and this is common advice) “She isn't going to leave her boyfriend for someone she doesn't know”. In other words, by befriending a guy that may be romantically interested in her, she is in effect still shopping and still on the market. You need to set up boundaries on opposite sex friends (OSF) that require that neither of you can have an OSF that is not first a friend of your relationship as a couple.

 

No, no, this isn't true! (Said every naive woman ever even though men see it clearly and explain it again and again.) Great post.

[chris9210]

Not sure if this is in the right place, move it if not please!

Looking for help/advice as I'm not sure what's going on or what to do and its doing my head in! So since last week I have been trying to arrange to meet up with my girlfriend, she was meant to be coming round on Sunday but told me she couldn't as she was working which was fine. Same as Tuesday, again fine, but she's done it for the third time tonight but this time I've not even been given an excuse, she just hasn't bothered to message me! So I asked her if she's coming round and she's not read sag, despite being online all night! I asked her last night if she was deffo coming and she said yes 100% so its just made me feel a bit **** as I was looking forward to seeing her but it seems like she couldn't care less whether she sees or speaks to me. Is this normal? I thought if someone really likes you then they'd jump at the chance to spend time with you, do I end it now or what? I really like this girl and see a future with her but I don't want to be with someone who isn't arsed either way about seeing me or speaking to me etc, I want them to show me they appreciate me the same way I so for them. Just sucks is all