Are long term affairs more than just sex

[Otherme]

Does anyone think that a 5 year affair can be just sex or do you think emotions must be involved. I am hopelessly in love with my married man, nothing like I've ever felt for my husband, he's a little more guarded with his feelings but by what he says when he let's his guard down I believe he loves me too..although the he had young kids so impossible for him to ever leave

[Overtaxed]

Is it more than just sex after 5 years? Probably. Does he really love you? IMHO, no, he does not, because his actions (and yours) say otherwise. If you really love someone, you move heaven and earth to be with (or stay with) them. The fact that he has to D his wife (and you your husband) should be nothing more than a speedbump if he was really in love with you. He'd put together a plan of action, how you both would leave your spouses and how you'd move forward together.

 

Right now, you're both living in a fantasy. It's easy to say "I love you and want to be with you" when there's no action behind it. Much different to start to put together a way to make that happen with the broken families, lost money, broken hearts that will result.

 

I guess another way to put it, he might love you, but not as much as he loves his wife and the life that he has today. If he did, he would leave to be with you.

[Jersey born raised]

Wow, limerence yes, love no.

 

Also adultery sex can be seen as easier and more adventurous as the good girl, good wife/bad girl occurs. You both don't have to worry what your partner thinks about it day to day.

 

True story a year ago a poster came onto a board. The couple had open their marriage to engage in BDSM. The problem was they where both submissive. I asked the wife why couldn't they switch back and forth within a closed marriage. She was shocked at the idea as a marriage was between to equals so the dominant need to be outside of the marriage. At one point he tried to commit suicide because the wife would not give up her domine. Yet he was the one who pushed for it and engaged in several Higgs a week while she limited it once a week for herself.

 

A woman I dated in the eighties had broken up over oral sex. He would not let her perform it on him as it was disrespect for a good girl to do. Instead he picked up cheap hookers when he wanted one.

 

So this maybe an area you need to explore.

[d0nnivain]

His wife the mother of his children provides him with most of his emotional & social needs. You provide a small missing piece. He will never leave her for you. He's a cad & a liar.

 

 

Men don't need an emotional connection to have sex. You keep saying yes. You don't make demands. You are easy so he returns. It has nothing to do with love.

 

 

You need to love yourself enough to stop settling for table scraps. Dump his married butt & go find a man who is free to love you back who can commit to you.

[somanymistakes]

While it's impossible to know for certain without more information, the fact that it's been going on for five years does NOT prove that he loves you. It's quite possible that he's simply vaguely fond of you, the same way he might be fond of the barista at a coffeeshop he's a regular at. She's nice, she smiles at him, she knows his order and provides it every time he goes in, he's happy to see her and sad if she's not there... but if she moves on someday, it's not going to shake his world.

[Overtaxed]

While it's impossible to know for certain without more information, the fact that it's been going on for five years does NOT prove that he loves you. It's quite possible that he's simply vaguely fond of you, the same way he might be fond of the barista at a coffeeshop he's a regular at. She's nice, she smiles at him, she knows his order and provides it every time he goes in, he's happy to see her and sad if she's not there... but if she moves on someday, it's not going to shake his world.

 

This is a great analogy and I'll continue it. If the barista at the coffee shop let him have sex with her when he went in to get a latte? You can be pretty darn sure he'd be spending a lot of time getting coffee! But no, it most likely won't shake his world, he won't be home crying over the time you told him you loved him. If he's crying over anything, it will almost certainly be the loss of sex with you.

 

Men don't need an emotional connection to have sex. You keep saying yes. You don't make demands. You are easy so he returns. It has nothing to do with love.

 

Exactly. In fact, I'd argue that, at least in my circle of friends (guys you're very likely to meet if you want an A, they are "prolific"), men PREFER not to have an emotional connection to those they are having sex with outside of their marriage. They will actually actively stop that connection from happening (by doing things that I've mentioned in other threads, talking bad about you to their friends, showing us your TXT's to him and laughing at you, talking about the sex, in detail, and making fun of it).

 

But there are VERY FEW men who won't take the deal you've been offering. Some sex on the side, no strings (beyond a few kind words and "I love you's" which, without the actual emotion, mean about nothing).

 

I told my wife, and I'll tell you the same thing. When dealing with men, look at ACTIONS, not at words. If he loves you, his actions will tell you; he'll file for D (and would have years ago) and start making plans to be together. He'll encourage you to file and might actually break up with you if you don't. But, what you've described? He's enjoying his "sidepiece". And you've been there a long time, so he may very well have picked up another by now who's more demanding and is very grateful that you don't ask much of him.

 

And yes, if he's anything like most of the men I know, he does call you his sidepiece to us (other men), and there are many jokes made at your expense. I'm sorry, trust me, I am. Thinking of my wife's AP doing that today with his friends (about my W) makes me want to vomit all over myself. But, in reality, that's probably what's happening in both situations.

[Lady2163]

The bottom line is: some do feel a love for the OW, but most don't.

 

After five years, I'm going to say he feels an affection and fondness for you, but not true love. If it was true love, he would have been working on an exit strategy from his marriage and your marriage within a few months.

 

I was a single OW and a workaholic. Not having to cater to another person or take care of them appealed to me. I miss XMM, I miss the sex, I miss talking to him on a daily basis. I miss the humor. But I don't regret I never asked him to leave, hinted at it and I don't think I felt romantic love for him. We are still friends, we talk, we mail things to each other, but we don't see each other.

 

I still let my mind drift. I'm quite certain I could have provided a good life for us even if he lost 75% of his finances in the divorce. But I couldn't have replaced family time, holidays, vacations, kids and grandkids.

 

One thing that niggles at me. Love requires a commitment. Love requires a sacrifice and for many that sacrifice is resisting temptation. I'm normally very complimentary of XMM. Yet, if he was ever busted having an afffair or admitted to having an affair his marriage was over and he would be boiled by his bs. So, he knew this was a hard limit with her, he knew she expected 100% fidelity. Yet, he did it anyway.

 

Which leads me to believe he loved his own gratification more than her.

[Daisy2013]

I think so because sex can be had anywhere, but 5 years is a relationship and involved emotions. However, as others have said, he likes his life better, and won't risk it. I was in a LTA, my MM isn't happy with his wife, but he is happy in other areas, and if he left for me, all those would end. He wears many hats in our church, and well, you can imagine what would happen if he left. He likes those "hats" and they are important to him. Also, his age. He is nearing retirement, I'm not, too hard to start over for him. So, yes, while there is love, love isn't enough. The good parts of his life keeps him going so he can put up with the misery.

 

And your MM has young kids, a very important part of his life. I suggest you move on, don't waste your time and love and hope on him. Not worth it. Even if he loves you, it won't be enough.

Edited February 25, 2017 by Daisy2013
spelling

[aileD]

Does anyone think that a 5 year affair can be just sex or do you think emotions must be involved. I am hopelessly in love with my married man, nothing like I've ever felt for my husband, he's a little more guarded with his feelings but by what he says when he let's his guard down I believe he loves me too..although the he had young kids so impossible for him to ever leave

 

People with young kids get divorced all the time.

 

Yes it's possible it can just be about seX......stop having sex with him and see if he continues letting his guard down and making you feel like he cares ...thst will tell you.

[Otherme]

Thanks for the replies...so many of us in the same boat ...I often think that we are stabilising our marriages...I think if we finished it we would then be forced to think about what we wanted...

Edited February 25, 2017 by Otherme

[sandylee1]

It could be more than just sex. There has to be at least a 'like', or one could get another AP.

 

Having young kids is not a reason to never leave a marriage you aren't happy in. That's an easy excuse. My brother left an unhappy marriage, with young kids and he wasn't having an affair.

 

Many have done it and continue to do it across the world.

 

I often wonder what the difference is between him and those men who claim to be unhappy, but stay for the kids and can't be with their OW.

 

Intergrity springs to mind. He would say to me, "I'm not staying here miserable, before I end up cheating and looking like the bad guy". Especially to his sons, as he wanted them to be a dad they respected.

 

It took a couple of years, but he left.

[BaileyB]

He must be fond of you. However, if what he feels is true love, he's had five years to chose you and leave his wife... and he hasn't done that. Sorry.

 

The fact that he has young kids is a good reason to want to keep his family together, but it's really just an excuse. If he was really unhappy or his wife was not meeting his needs, the fact that they have children would not be enough to make him stay. The truth is, either his marriage is meeting his needs or it would cost him too much to leave - those are reasons to stay.

 

He has a good thing right now... a wife and family at home and a little bit of fun and excitement on the side. Why would he really want to change anything...

[FoundMyStrength]

Having young kids is not a reason to never leave a marriage you aren't happy in. That's an easy excuse. My brother left an unhappy marriage, with young kids and he wasn't having an affair.

 

Many have done it and continue to do it across the world.

 

Exactly. The "can't leave because of the kids" is just an excuse to cover up whatever else is driving the desire to remain: fear, uncertainty, not wanting to be alone, still feeling a connection to one's spouse, finances.

 

It's also driven by a society that condemns men for not "manning up" to their responsibilities: breadwinner, head of household, provider.

 

I come from a "broken home". My dad was a serial adulterer who left once on my first birthday, then again when I was 8. I'm not really sure how I benefited from having an unhappy father who continuously cheated, became distanced from his wife and children, and eventually abandoned them completely. I definitely would have preferred an every other weekend arrangement with a father who had a life that made him happy.

[Midlifecrisis1]

Exactly. The "can't leave because of the kids" is just an excuse to cover up whatever else is driving the desire to remain: fear, uncertainty, not wanting to be alone, still feeling a connection to one's spouse, finances.

 

It's also driven by a society that condemns men for not "manning up" to their responsibilities: breadwinner, head of household, provider.

 

I come from a "broken home". My dad was a serial adulterer who left once on my first birthday, then again when I was 8. I'm not really sure how I benefited from having an unhappy father who continuously cheated, became distanced from his wife and children, and eventually abandoned them completely. I definitely would have preferred an every other weekend arrangement with a father who had a life that made him happy.

 

 

And if a man stays with his family for any/all of those reasons (fear, finances, social standing, manning up, etc) that does not mean he doesn't love the AP. It just means that other things outweigh it.

[whichwayisup]

If he left his wife and divorced her, would you divorce your husband? Do you have kids?

 

If your husband found out about the affair, asked you to leave and filed for divorce would you accept it or fight it and would you realize what you'd be losing in your own life? Having to deal with the fallout, your family (parents, siblings, extended family, in laws, family friends, friends etc) and all the reactions?

 

Do some reading in this section and in the infidelity section, read up on betrayed spouse and how innocent lives are turned upside down.

[Otherme]

If he left his wife and divorced her, would you divorce your husband? Do you have kids?

 

If your husband found out about the affair, asked you to leave and filed for divorce would you accept it or fight it and would you realize what you'd be losing in your own life? Having to deal with the fallout, your family (parents, siblings, extended family, in laws, family friends, friends etc) and all the reactions?

 

Do some reading in this section and in the infidelity section, read up on betrayed spouse and how innocent lives are turned upside down.

 

Yes,I would leave my husband for him,my kids are older and I know they would support me, I would give up everything for him, this affair has taught me how I should be feeling

[Savannah2]

I have been in a five year affair as well. I have told him that I love him and he doesn't say it back. He says he has love for me but can't say he actually loves me, but he does love his wife. We work together and even in the weekends when we don't see each other, I still hear from him multiple times a day. He still has sex with his wife just not as frequent as he would like. He says the sex with her is not bad, just infrequent and he's not always sure she likes it. He has told me that our relationship is not about sex and he would be ok with leaving that part of us behind ...and he has broken it off with me many times in the course of our five years together . He has told me I am the easiest person for him to talk to and I believe that to be true for him. So, to answer your question I don't know either. I think initially he started this affair to supplement the missing sex with his wife sometimes, but now this lasted longer than he expected and now he's still in it for other reasons. He has never said he wanted to leave her and be with me. He always told me that he wants us both in his life. And that's exactly what he's gotten for five years.

[Otherme]

Yes I would leave in a flash for him,my children are older and I know they would support me,this affair has taught me how I should be feeling

[oldshirt]

Thanks for the replies...so many of us in the same boat ...I often think that we are stabilising our marriages...I think if we finished it we would then be forced to think about what we wanted...

 

I think there is truth to what you are saying.

 

There is an original Star Trek episode where Captain Kirk and Spok and the guys go to this planet that has been at war with a neighboring planet for 500 years.

 

When they arrive at planet they find a very beautiful, cultured and technologically advanced planet that is all clean and orderly.

 

As it turns out, the two planets have been waging a computer war where each side computer launches a computer attack on the other and the two computers figure up casualty lists and then the designated casualties have to report to disintegration chambers where they are quickly and painlessly vaporized and listed as a war casualty.

 

Since both planets have been able to avoid the bloodshed, destruction, famine, disease and all the other horrors of war, they had no incentive to end the war and so it waged on for centuries and millions and millions and millions of people died and neither planet made any efforts to either negotiate a peace or end the war.

 

You are in the same situation. Adultery has made your marriage tolerable and so you don't fix the problems or leave your marriage and thus just keep on enduring it year after year. Instead of addressing your marital issues and fixing it and instead of just ending it and moving on with your life and possibly finding a new and better marital partner, you just get your num-nums on the side and endure the marriage until your next rendezvous with your AP.

[oldshirt]

Now to address your original question - sex is never 'just sex.' It always carries a variety of other emotions with it. Even for men.

 

But there is a simple formula here that tells a bigger story.

 

At the end of the day, people do what they want to do and what they feel is in their best interest (even at the expense of others and even though it may be messy and financially expensive)

 

I have personally known several people in my real life that met someone, decided they were a better deal than their current spouse and literally packed up and left within a matter of days.

 

When people are dissatisfied with their spouse, meet someone that is "better" and who will take them fulltime, they actually leave. .......quickly.

 

When people have affairs that drag on for many months and years, it is because the WS enjoys the extra kibbles. It is cake eating. They like having both and they do not think the AP is a better deal than what they have at home.

 

That doesn't mean that there isn't some affection and warmies taking place. But it does mean that they don't think the AP is better for them than the BS (or the combination of both the BS and the AP)

 

Adultery is very very rarely about being dissatisfied with one's spouse and looking for a replacement before divorcing. 99% of the time adultery is about selfishness, entitlement, greed and having your cake and eating it too.

 

Men don't cheat to replace the old woman with a new woman. Men cheat to add more women and more sex into the mix.

 

After 5 years, it is very clear where you stand here.

[whichwayisup]

Yes,I would leave my husband for him,my kids are older and I know they would support me, I would give up everything for him, this affair has taught me how I should be feeling

 

So since it seems you're not in love with your husband anymore and would walk away from your marriage so easily, why not divorce now? Living and staying with your husband currently is a lie and the longer you stay, the longer you're wasting his life. Regardless of the outcome with your MM, ending your marriage and being on your own is something you should give some thought about. It's unfair and cruel to your husband, he deserves a woman who will love only him.

[stillafool]

People with young kids get divorced all the time.

 

Yes it's possible it can just be about seX......stop having sex with him and see if he continues letting his guard down and making you feel like he cares ...thst will tell you.

 

You're right. There is a thread going on here right now with a young man, with a new baby who is divorcing his wife to be with his mistress. If they love you they want to be with you and cannot stand the thought of another man touching you.

[Otherme]

Yes I would leave my husband, he loves me very much and would be devastated but its not there any more,if it was i wouldn't be doing this, my children are older and would support me,I am older than him.this affair has taught me how I should be feeling and how I can feel

[Otherme]

Yes I would, what I feel for this man is nothing like I've felt before for anyone, I'm older so my children are older now and I know they will support me,if anything this affair has taught me how I should be feeling with someone, I have never and will never have that with my husband

[Savannah2]

I have always felt if my AP was totally happy with his marriage then he wouldn't cheat. Maybe that is flawed thinking..but I would really like to believe that if he was totally fulfilled at home, he would not be seeking outside an outside fix.