Are long term affairs more than just sex

[Serendipity55]

My xMM continuously changed his mind on this sort of thing.

 

Mostly he'd say he couldn't leave because of the children (which I agree with) but sometimes he would say even if, hypothetically, he didn't have children he may or may not leave because it would depend on how happy he felt with his relationship at that time. That really hurt me but I'm not sure if that's petulant?

 

He often oscillated between "I'm happy in my M" to "something is missing, you've changed things".

 

I know he'd never leave and I wouldn't want that because of the destruction it would cause plus I wouldn't have been able to trust him.

 

He would always profess his love for me telling me how he'd fallen in love with me and maybe that was true - maybe it is possible to love your spouse and fall in love with OW/OM.

 

However, he would also swing between chasing me hard and then pushing me away, which from what I've read on here is par for the course.

 

I often challenged him on his inconsistent emotions and he'd immediately get defensive and say I was calling him a liar or trying to catch him out.

 

I was just trying to make sense of what he said and what he did.

 

I don't know if he is just selfish and just concerned with his own feelings...I still can't get an objective perspective on that.

[MJJean]

I often challenged him on his inconsistent emotions and he'd immediately get defensive and say I was calling him a liar or trying to catch him out.

 

I was just trying to make sense of what he said and what he did.

 

I don't know if he is just selfish and just concerned with his own feelings...I still can't get an objective perspective on that.

 

He'd get defensive because he knew he was a liar. He was lying to his wife, you, and maybe himself. You rightly questioned his actions not matching his words. When actions don't match words, it's fairly obvious the words are a lie.

 

As a former WW, I guess I am fairly close to objective. Yes, he was selfish and concerned with his own feelings. Unless he's mentally challenged, he knew having an affair could cause great damage to you and, if discovered, to his wife and family. But, because he wanted to, he did it anyway. Isn't that about the definition of selfish?

[Serendipity55]

Thank you, that's what my instincts and rational mind say.

[Serendipity55]

When I was in the A, I sometimes felt jealous of his W - that she got to have the normal life with him, that she was oblivious and happily living her life with him - marriage, children, etc...all the things I wanted but didn't have for my child. She had his love in a real sense and he was choosing her.

 

I know jealousy is a hideous emotion but was wondering how many other xOW/OMs felt that way?

 

Also, do affairs always come out in the wash? At some point will he be discovered or can MMs stay under the radar forever?

 

In my set of circumstances I wouldn't want it to be discovered because I now have empathy for his W and more importantly she's pregnant (why I finally ended A - immediately after him telling me).

 

Thanks for insights. I feel alone in trying to process all of this.

[FoundMyStrength]

When I was in the A, I sometimes felt jealous of his W - that she got to have the normal life with him, that she was oblivious and happily living her life with him - marriage, children, etc...all the things I wanted but didn't have for my child. She had his love in a real sense and he was choosing her.

 

I know jealousy is a hideous emotion but was wondering how many other xOW/OMs felt that way?

 

Also, do affairs always come out in the wash? At some point will he be discovered or can MMs stay under the radar forever?

 

I was never really jealous of his wife, mainly b/c I felt a lot of guilt and shame throughout. But I did feel jealous that I hadn't had the luck to meet him first. I think he and I did share a genuine connection and some sort of love (we were a mostly EA), and I was jealous that being "second" meant I would never get the opportunity to see if we could have been real partners.

 

I think a lot of people on this site think that affairs always come out eventually. My xMM elected not to tell his wife, but he did tell one of his closest male friends. I think there were suspicions around our workplace, so I continue to think that maybe -- one day -- it will all come out. But who knows? I don't think he'll up and tell her though, he's too afraid to be alone.

[HeCantBreakMe]

When I was in the A, I sometimes felt jealous of his W - that she got to have the normal life with him, that she was oblivious and happily living her life with him - marriage, children, etc...all the things I wanted but didn't have for my child. She had his love in a real sense and he was choosing her.

 

I know jealousy is a hideous emotion but was wondering how many other xOW/OMs felt that way?

 

Also, do affairs always come out in the wash? At some point will he be discovered or can MMs stay under the radar forever?

 

In my set of circumstances I wouldn't want it to be discovered because I now have empathy for his W and more importantly she's pregnant (why I finally ended A - immediately after him telling me).

 

Thanks for insights. I feel alone in trying to process all of this.

 

I have never before in my life felt jealousy the way I did when it came to this man. I was green with rage and I am probably the most calm docile person but in the affair i changed. I became a hothead- passionate, but also full of jealousy and a lot of anger. These were not emotions I had ever felt to this extreme and they literally controlled me.

 

I am not sure if all affairs become known. Mine went on for over a year and his wife doesn't know and if it is up to him she never will. I wont tell her and my husband has chosen not tell either. I wish she knew but do not believe it is my place to tell her..But in my case I wish she knew so that I could own my part in it and tell her how very sorry I am for what I did to her and their family.

[Poppy47]

When I was in the A, I sometimes felt jealous of his W - that she got to have the normal life with him, that she was oblivious and happily living her life with him - marriage, children, etc...all the things I wanted but didn't have for my child. She had his love in a real sense and he was choosing her.

 

I know jealousy is a hideous emotion but was wondering how many other xOW/OMs felt that way?

 

Also, do affairs always come out in the wash? At some point will he be discovered or can MMs stay under the radar forever?

 

In my set of circumstances I wouldn't want it to be discovered because I now have empathy for his W and more importantly she's pregnant (why I finally ended A - immediately after him telling me).

 

Thanks for insights. I feel alone in trying to process all of this.

 

I did feel jealous of his wife but no longer. I feel sorry for her. She has no clue about the man she shares her life with. He is with her and yet she does not know what he was doing for almost 8 years. I think that is sad. Yes I was complicit in that, but he had to to an awful lot of lying and planning.

 

Nothing "always" happens. xMM was never once suspected, according to him. That was over a period of 8 years.

 

POppy.

[Serendipity55]

Thanks for your replies. I hate that I felt jealous. I think I felt jealous because I hadn't met him first. He always said if we'd had the A before his children he would have left to be with me. Who knows it that's a line or if he genuinely believes it. It is academic I know. I did and do also feel sorry for her (I think she must know the sort of man he is because she often called him several times when he was with me and he didn't ever pick up - said he wanted it just to be time with me) but I also felt jealous of fact she was the legitimate partner, the one he would always love more.

 

Some of the lovely LS contributors have said they feel I should tell him W because she's pregnant. The fact she's pregnant is the main reason why I feel I can't. I also don't want to hurt her more than I have or cause damage to his children.

 

But I don't really want him to get away with it (again - I learnt that this was his second A) and he's said he might do it again in the future because it's far easier to cross the line now. However, that feeling is vengeful and is not a reason to do anything. I have ended the A and can walk away from it so by telling do I just make the part I played in it all even worse? My gut says it isn't the dignified thing to do and I am trying to now do the right thing but it makes me feel angry that he treats women so badly and gets away with it - the world thinks he's a great guy. Only me and his previous AP know the truth.

[BluesPower]

Lot's of interesting replies on this one...

 

OP, he does not love you. Sorry but that is the way that it is. Not that he does not care for you deeply. If you too really loved each other, like others have said, nothing could keep you apart.

 

Having said that I will say this.

 

I am divorcing, almost finished, and I did not divorcing her for any of my other women. I just finally figured out she did not love me, bottom line. I could have forgiven her affairs, her drug addiction and everything else, but not that.

 

And what I found out is that I am not a monogamous man and never will be, it is just how I am.

 

And, one of my primary AP's is now my number 1 girl friend. And now that we are able to be open it is really kind of super wonderful. Who would have thought????

[MJJean]

Some of the lovely LS contributors have said they feel I should tell him W because she's pregnant. The fact she's pregnant is the main reason why I feel I can't. I also don't want to hurt her more than I have or cause damage to his children.

 

She's pregnant and her child's father is a serial cheater. This puts her at risk for STD's. It's not like he's going to suddenly become a faithful man. If AP #3 (and you can't be sure there was only you and one other) happens to have some funk, he could pass it on to his wife and unborn child. For that alone, I'd tell her so she can protect herself and her baby.

 

Also, I'm one of those people who doesn't purchase anything without researching it first. I want all the info, good and bad, when I make decisions. This poor woman is making major life decisions that will affect her and her children for years to come based on lies and lack of information.

 

I've been on this and a couple other marriage/relationship forums for a couple years now. The vast majority of BW/BH posts I have read regarding being informed of the affair say the same things. A) They wished someone had told them and they don't care about the motivation for telling and B) They wouldn't have done XYZ if they'd known.

Edited March 7, 2017 by MJJean

[Serendipity55]

Thanks for advice.

 

I know she would probably want to know, I would and I imagine most people would so they felt they had some ownership over their lives. However, her condition means that any additional stress (which finding out about what he's done would cause severe stress) could be very bad for her and her baby. I could not be directly responsible for anything happening to her health or her baby's. She's, as I am, a mother first before she's a wife, as in her greatest love will be for her children. So, if I tell should I wait until she's had her baby? I understand the point about STDs but still...

 

Also, the logistics of disclosure. I am not friends with her so couldn't tell her via phone or social media (private messaging obviously!). I have no idea how I would tell her without being intercepted. Obviously I have "evidence" so he couldn't deny it if she saw that but not sure if that's just adding salt to wound (showing her what he's said to me).

 

I am angry with the xMM for the pain he's caused but I am equally angry with myself for being drawn in and for accepting his advances (I haven't ever before and he's tried it on many times before in the past). I did feel jealous of the W but it's irrational because who would want to be with someone like the MM. I'd be cheated on for sure, we all know that it's not about the woman but about the MM and his own shortcomings that make him unfaithful.

 

I feel empathy for her now and wonder whether the kindest thing I can do now is allow her blissful ignorance? It's a very difficult call given the circumstances.

[FoundMyStrength]

I did feel jealous of his wife but no longer. I feel sorry for her. She has no clue about the man she shares her life with. He is with her and yet she does not know what he was doing for almost 8 years. I think that is sad.

 

I feel similarly. I don't think my xMM will tell his wife, and I feel a lot of sadness for that. I don't think it's my place, and there are things happening in her life right now that would make me hesitant even if I did think it was my place.

 

But it makes me sad to know that I was complicit in introducing a kind of illness into their marriage. I can imagine that even the briefest of affairs breaks down what could/should be true intimacy and trust in a marriage. It's unbelievable to me that someone could go wake up, eat and play, go to bed with a spouse and never tell them this secret. I couldn't do it.

Edited March 7, 2017 by FoundMyStrength
typo

[Sampson]

@Serendipity55

 

As a betrayed husband here is my point of view.

 

I have no care really if you do or don't tell his wife. But I believe you should. Not for her, not to punish him, not for anyone else but yourself. You alone need to do this. To separate yourself from this kind of person who you allowed yourself to become. Not just to right a wrong, but to jump start your new self and solidify that boundary you will never cross again, become the new honest person. Because of how horrible it is to everyone involved knowing and unknowingly I just feel you will forever view this as a low point and disclosing to his W may give you peace. On top of that it is the right thing to do.

 

When you do this disclosure is totally up to you but waiting for the "right time" is never going to come about. Yes pregnancies have risks and this is just another risk the exMM put upon his own family. But have a plan, stick to it, and follow through. Set a date to disclose and do not waiver because of x, y, z. Just do it.

 

Disclosure is easy, there is great chance she already suspects something is off but has coped or made own excuses (working late, stress, busy etc..) of her own and not asking is he having an affair. Print what you have, write a timeline out, include your determined NC so she doesn't fear you intruding, and mail it to her requiring her signature. Send it to her at work. Have a process server deliver it if you want. There are ways.

 

Set her free to find her true authentic happiness with or without her husband because right now she is being manipulated. And that is not happiness. She is not ignorant she just doesn't know what is wrong yet because she trusts him to be faithful.

 

"Comes out in the wash" this is through disclosure years later or the rot that is in the marriage that erodes and rusts it through until it fails. But she will not be able to understand why it failed because she won't know the truth probably blaming or being blamed for it herself. This is cruel.

 

My wife's 1st AP was almost a decade ago, he had an utter shock when I disclosed it to his wife. And his wife knew something was going on but never knew it could have been an affair.

 

My wife's 2nd AP was single. I just told him how much of a coward and how low and disgusting of a person he was. Probably didn't care but it was something I guess.

 

My wife's last 3rd AP, he blocked all avenues for me to contact his wife. So I hired a process server to deliver it. They just don't get that they can't run or hide when it comes out of the shadows.

 

In the end most cheating spouses have deep issues with self worth, self image, self esteem. They are hiding, manipulating, lying to themselves and others. Sometimes to the extreme of they are the best, look at me, without flaws. Completely oblivious to how they treat others and use and dispose of those closest when they don't get what they want. And until they get down to those deep deep issues and fix how they feel about themselves it is just a matter of time and opportunity till it happens again. Their actions are not for their wife, kids, or extended family, or even their affair partner. It is solely a selfish way to feel better about themselves because they can't fill that empty space inside them on their own and require others to do it for them. They find that telling their AP's they are great, awesome, wonderful, smart, beautiful, the best thing since sliced bread that they get the same in return. And top it off with sex. Then they find themselves manipulating their wife, ap, and themselves. So lost. To what end. And eventually it ends.

 

I submit they make excuses why they won't leave their wives for money, kids, hardship but in reality they are afraid. Afraid of who they have become and the exposure of that is scary and that is the easiest way to avoid that road. Plus they can keep the gravy flowing by lying to everyone they come across if that is the case. A means to what end again. Loneliness, no one truly knowing who you are, but who are you, what are you?

 

My wife did terrible things when I wasn't looking, but I did know something was off (made excuses, coped, and just lived filled my own buckets) with her, always thought it was a phase (kids, work, etc.). But when I caught her in the act, I couldn't believe who I was looking at. She was not who I thought and she was not who she thought she was. Lots of IC, books, and work she is now living a better, authentic, life. I once said I was so proud of her (for many things) but changing her life and who she had become will always top it because that had to be hard to face who you were to your own family and little kids. She is no longer worried what others think, she is not looking for validation or attention, she is not trying to paint her own reality. She is just living, enjoying life all the ups and downs. She can't believe the work and effort that she had to put in to the daily deceptions of others the lack of connections she was missing. And just how low she treated herself that she allowed others to use her.

 

My wife constantly said in the beginning of discovery that she didn't think I was going to get hurt because I would never know. But she now sees how even that was a lie she told herself. My life, family, and marriage wasn't authentic and I always was finding a coping technique for her "busy/stresses". Sometimes blaming my own self worth to fuel that coping. Even though I didn't know the truth the lie was causing me to not live life to it's fullest or to enjoy it instead of questioning and fixing what I thought was causing "busy/stress". Did I know my wife, absolutely, is she a monster. Answer is no, but boy was she capable of being monstrous when she put her mind to it. Now her mind is a lot more screwed on straight. Mind games, and mental gymnastics are amazing when your emotions are being drugged.

 

But I digress, to the OP -------

 

@Otherme

 

I hope you see there is so much more going on under the surface of the "i love you". That there is always more to a story and you are only looking at it's cover. I wish you so much in life and hope you can find it, but I would bet the farm that it will not be with your MM so how long are you going to allow authentic connections and opportunities to live YOUR OWN life pass you bye while you try to make your fantasy with MM somthing. It is not. Eventually discovery or abandonment will happen maybe another 5 years, maybe 5 days. And it will hurt.

Edited March 7, 2017 by Sampson
Add something for OP

[Confused48]

He always said if we'd had the A before his children he would have left to be with me. Who knows it that's a line or if he genuinely believes it.

 

Of course it was just a line. Good liars get into character and actually believe what they are saying when they say it but you know the truth now. Just look at this if you doubt me:

 

but I also felt jealous of fact she was the legitimate partner, the one he would always love more.

 

Some of the lovely LS contributors have said they feel I should tell him W because she's pregnant. The fact she's pregnant is the main reason why I feel I can't. I also don't want to hurt her more than I have or cause damage to his children.

 

Agreed. You should perhaps wait till the baby is born if she is likely to miscarry or something.

 

But I don't really want him to get away with it (again - I learnt that this was his second A) and he's said he might do it again in the future because it's far easier to cross the line now. However, that feeling is vengeful and is not a reason to do anything.

 

There is a whole lot more to this urge of yours than vengeance. There is, as others have said, reclaiming your dignity. Protecting the BS from wasting her life on this scum. And what about the future victims of this predatory MM? Do you want someone else to go through what you are going through bc you couldn't bring yourself to tell the BS?

 

Only me and his previous AP know the truth.

 

That should not sit well with either of you. He is a dangerous person and others should be warned.

[Greg1972]

Does anyone think that a 5 year affair can be just sex or do you think emotions must be involved. I am hopelessly in love with my married man, nothing like I've ever felt for my husband, he's a little more guarded with his feelings but by what he says when he let's his guard down I believe he loves me too..although the he had young kids so impossible for him to ever leave

 

Usually after a few months in any relationship it becomes more than just sex. The real question to ask yourself is what do you want out of this.

 

Do you want to be with him and not his wife or does what he have with you enough?

 

Are you just staying with your husband because you are married or do you want to stay with him?

[Whoknew30]

Thanks for advice.

 

I know she would probably want to know, I would and I imagine most people would so they felt they had some ownership over their lives. However, her condition means that any additional stress (which finding out about what he's done would cause severe stress) could be very bad for her and her baby. I could not be directly responsible for anything happening to her health or her baby's. She's, as I am, a mother first before she's a wife, as in her greatest love will be for her children. So, if I tell should I wait until she's had her baby? I understand the point about STDs but still...

 

Also, the logistics of disclosure. I am not friends with her so couldn't tell her via phone or social media (private messaging obviously!). I have no idea how I would tell her without being intercepted. Obviously I have "evidence" so he couldn't deny it if she saw that but not sure if that's just adding salt to wound (showing her what he's said to me).

 

I am angry with the xMM for the pain he's caused but I am equally angry with myself for being drawn in and for accepting his advances (I haven't ever before and he's tried it on many times before in the past). I did feel jealous of the W but it's irrational because who would want to be with someone like the MM. I'd be cheated on for sure, we all know that it's not about the woman but about the MM and his own shortcomings that make him unfaithful.

 

I feel empathy for her now and wonder whether the kindest thing I can do now is allow her blissful ignorance? It's a very difficult call given the circumstances.

 

 

No AP tells bc of empathy & or real caring about the BS (unless they didn't know AP is married)...telling is only for the reason of transferring their frustration to the MM/MW. If one really cared, then they wouldn't have done it & surely if they happened to really have some awakening, they surely wouldn't do it more than once.

 

The only people that should tell someone that their spouse is cheating...is someone that is doing it out of 100% love & will actually be there for the BS...anyone else is doing it for trouble & probably should worry about their own lives vs sticking their nose into anyone else's marriage.

 

People pretend it's so knoble to tell a BS they're being cheated on...those people are lying to themselves. They're thinking about their own insecurities, it has nothing to do with caring about the BS they're telling.

[freengreen]

@Serendipity55

 

As a betrayed husband here is my point of view.

 

I have no care really if you do or don't tell his wife. But I believe you should. Not for her, not to punish him, not for anyone else but yourself. You alone need to do this. To separate yourself from this kind of person who you allowed yourself to become. Not just to right a wrong, but to jump start your new self and solidify that boundary you will never cross again, become the new honest person. Because of how horrible it is to everyone involved knowing and unknowingly I just feel you will forever view this as a low point and disclosing to his W may give you peace. On top of that it is the right thing to do.

 

When you do this disclosure is totally up to you but waiting for the "right time" is never going to come about. Yes pregnancies have risks and this is just another risk the exMM put upon his own family. But have a plan, stick to it, and follow through. Set a date to disclose and do not waiver because of x, y, z. Just do it.

 

Disclosure is easy, there is great chance she already suspects something is off but has coped or made own excuses (working late, stress, busy etc..) of her own and not asking is he having an affair. Print what you have, write a timeline out, include your determined NC so she doesn't fear you intruding, and mail it to her requiring her signature. Send it to her at work. Have a process server deliver it if you want. There are ways.

 

Set her free to find her true authentic happiness with or without her husband because right now she is being manipulated. And that is not happiness. She is not ignorant she just doesn't know what is wrong yet because she trusts him to be faithful.

 

"Comes out in the wash" this is through disclosure years later or the rot that is in the marriage that erodes and rusts it through until it fails. But she will not be able to understand why it failed because she won't know the truth probably blaming or being blamed for it herself. This is cruel.

 

My wife's 1st AP was almost a decade ago, he had an utter shock when I disclosed it to his wife. And his wife knew something was going on but never knew it could have been an affair.

 

My wife's 2nd AP was single. I just told him how much of a coward and how low and disgusting of a person he was. Probably didn't care but it was something I guess.

 

My wife's last 3rd AP, he blocked all avenues for me to contact his wife. So I hired a process server to deliver it. They just don't get that they can't run or hide when it comes out of the shadows.

 

In the end most cheating spouses have deep issues with self worth, self image, self esteem. They are hiding, manipulating, lying to themselves and others. Sometimes to the extreme of they are the best, look at me, without flaws. Completely oblivious to how they treat others and use and dispose of those closest when they don't get what they want. And until they get down to those deep deep issues and fix how they feel about themselves it is just a matter of time and opportunity till it happens again. Their actions are not for their wife, kids, or extended family, or even their affair partner. It is solely a selfish way to feel better about themselves because they can't fill that empty space inside them on their own and require others to do it for them. They find that telling their AP's they are great, awesome, wonderful, smart, beautiful, the best thing since sliced bread that they get the same in return. And top it off with sex. Then they find themselves manipulating their wife, ap, and themselves. So lost. To what end. And eventually it ends.

 

I submit they make excuses why they won't leave their wives for money, kids, hardship but in reality they are afraid. Afraid of who they have become and the exposure of that is scary and that is the easiest way to avoid that road. Plus they can keep the gravy flowing by lying to everyone they come across if that is the case. A means to what end again. Loneliness, no one truly knowing who you are, but who are you, what are you?

 

My wife did terrible things when I wasn't looking, but I did know something was off (made excuses, coped, and just lived filled my own buckets) with her, always thought it was a phase (kids, work, etc.). But when I caught her in the act, I couldn't believe who I was looking at. She was not who I thought and she was not who she thought she was. Lots of IC, books, and work she is now living a better, authentic, life. I once said I was so proud of her (for many things) but changing her life and who she had become will always top it because that had to be hard to face who you were to your own family and little kids. She is no longer worried what others think, she is not looking for validation or attention, she is not trying to paint her own reality. She is just living, enjoying life all the ups and downs. She can't believe the work and effort that she had to put in to the daily deceptions of others the lack of connections she was missing. And just how low she treated herself that she allowed others to use her.

 

My wife constantly said in the beginning of discovery that she didn't think I was going to get hurt because I would never know. But she now sees how even that was a lie she told herself. My life, family, and marriage wasn't authentic and I always was finding a coping technique for her "busy/stresses". Sometimes blaming my own self worth to fuel that coping. Even though I didn't know the truth the lie was causing me to not live life to it's fullest or to enjoy it instead of questioning and fixing what I thought was causing "busy/stress". Did I know my wife, absolutely, is she a monster. Answer is no, but boy was she capable of being monstrous when she put her mind to it. Now her mind is a lot more screwed on straight. Mind games, and mental gymnastics are amazing when your emotions are being drugged.

 

But I digress, to the OP -------

 

@Otherme

 

I hope you see there is so much more going on under the surface of the "i love you". That there is always more to a story and you are only looking at it's cover. I wish you so much in life and hope you can find it, but I would bet the farm that it will not be with your MM so how long are you going to allow authentic connections and opportunities to live YOUR OWN life pass you bye while you try to make your fantasy with MM somthing. It is not. Eventually discovery or abandonment will happen maybe another 5 years, maybe 5 days. And it will hurt.

Guilty of hijacking. Apologies

 

How you understood your wife is applaudable!. I mean after 3 affairs, you focussed on her own isuues. We dont get many people who will inderstand this far. She must consider herself lucky.. she got more chances than most of them.

[Girlfromcali]

I did feel jealous of his wife but no longer. I feel sorry for her. She has no clue about the man she shares her life with. He is with her and yet she does not know what he was doing for almost 8 years. I think that is sad. Yes I was complicit in that, but he had to to an awful lot of lying and planning.

 

Nothing "always" happens. xMM was never once suspected, according to him. That was over a period of 8 years.

 

POppy.

 

That's weird. The first time I ever met xMM, his wife sensed something was wrong. I mean they've been married almost forty years, of course she's going to sense something is different.

 

When he did confess the A, she said she knew it. If you're with someone that long, you should be connected enough to know what's going on.

 

He told me that "I told my W because I am not used to lying to her".

 

He was never a liar before the A but the A made him a liar.

 

It's so funny but now I remember one thing he said. He said, "I need to become a better liar". That was horrible, I almost died when he said that.

Edited March 8, 2017 by Girlfromcali

[Confused48]

No AP tells bc of empathy & or real caring about the BS (unless they didn't know AP is married)...

 

This may be more often true than not but it is certainly a gross overstatement to say no AP tell out of empathy or real caring except if they didn't know the AP was married.

 

telling is only for the reason of transferring their frustration to the MM/MW. If one really cared, then they wouldn't have done it & surely if they happened to really have some awakening, they surely wouldn't do it more than once.

 

Many do have an awakening. Great pain often does that to a person.

 

 

The only people that should tell someone that their spouse is cheating...is someone that is doing it out of 100% love & will actually be there for the BS...anyone else is doing it for trouble & probably should worry about their own lives vs sticking their nose into anyone else's marriage.

 

The BS is almost always is grateful for the truth. So regardless of their motives, anyone that tells a BS the truth is doing the BS a favor and the BS will be glad for it, whatever the motives were.

 

The AP's that wish to keep it secret, they imply and see bad motives where there are none. B/c of course the truth is their enemy.

[somanymistakes]

 

The BS is almost always is grateful for the truth. So regardless of their motives, anyone that tells a BS the truth is doing the BS a favor and the BS will be glad for it, whatever the motives were.

 

The AP's that wish to keep it secret, they imply and see bad motives where there are none. B/c of course the truth is their enemy.

 

The ones who post here almost always are grateful for the truth. I've seen a lot of posters on other forums say they absolutely wish they hadn't found out.

 

It seems like the most common scenario for people who didn't want to know is if it happened a long time in the past, was short-lived, and everything has been good since then, because it ruins their enjoyment of all those good years and puts them in horrible emotional turmoil for something that was so long ago it can't be properly dealt with or explained. (The one I see happen a lot is men married for many years suddenly telling their wives they had a 'meaningless fling' right before the wedding)

 

When the situation is still very fresh and real, almost everyone prefers to know the truth so they can deal with it.

[Poppy47]

That's weird. The first time I ever met xMM, his wife sensed something was wrong. I mean they've been married almost forty years, of course she's going to sense something is different.

 

When he did confess the A, she said she knew it. If you're with someone that long, you should be connected enough to know what's going on.

 

He told me that "I told my W because I am not used to lying to her".

 

He was never a liar before the A but the A made him a liar.

 

It's so funny but now I remember one thing he said. He said, "I need to become a better liar". That was horrible, I almost died when he said that.

 

Hi Cali,

It is still beyond me that xMM's wife never suspected.

 

He did tell me that there was not much of a connection with her emotionally. She had a circle of women friends, charities, activities that she did not share with him.

 

I don't know and will never know.

 

Maybe he was the consumate liar. I met him when he was 65 so he had plenty of time to perfect his lying.

 

Hope you are doing well,

Poppy.

[Whoknew30]

This may be more often true than not but it is certainly a gross overstatement to say no AP tell out of empathy or real caring except if they didn't know the AP was married.

 

 

 

Many do have an awakening. Great pain often does that to a person.

 

 

 

 

The BS is almost always is grateful for the truth. So regardless of their motives, anyone that tells a BS the truth is doing the BS a favor and the BS will be glad for it, whatever the motives were.

 

The AP's that wish to keep it secret, they imply and see bad motives where there are none. B/c of course the truth is their enemy.

 

No it's not, if a AP has sex more than one time with a married person, they didn't care & are only trying to clear their own conscious, without really caring for the BS. It's the same selfish mentality that got them to be in an active A in the first place. It's called "misery loves company". So I don't buy for one second it's some awakening...it's once again them only thinking about themselves.

[AutumnMoon]

Every situation is different. But if you see each other on a regular basis and it's a long-term thing not just meeting up .. yes there is more to it than just sex.

 

It's easy to find no strings.

[Overtaxed]

Every situation is different. But if you see each other on a regular basis and it's a long-term thing not just meeting up .. yes there is more to it than just sex.

 

It's easy to find no strings.

 

Sorry, I can't agree with this. I know quite a few men with long term AP's who have little/no feelings for their AP. I know no men with long term AP's who really "love" their AP. I think it's far more common for men to keep a long term AP around for sex than most women would guess; sex is extremely important to men; if you find a supply of it, most men will do whatever it takes to keep it flowing.

 

I've never had an A, but I do know a lot of men who have/are. It's, 100% of the time, about sex for them. They want more/different sex (or their wives let themselves go and they want sex with someone they find attractive; NOT saying this is right, but it's a "reason", no matter how shallow). They do not want more emotional closeness or another "friend" to vent to.

 

Affair math (when you're both married) is simple. Man trades compliments/dinners/money/etc for sex. A married man, in 99% of cases, has all the emotional needs he has met already, men typically don't require a great emotional component to their lives. So they aren't trying to make that kind of connection, they are trying to get sex, the thing that's very likely missing from their primary relationship. If you are OK with this, then by all means, affair away. But if you think he really "loves you" and that's why your in the A, you are certainly are wrong. If he loves you, he'll leave his wife, full stop.

 

I've been with a lot of women in my years before my W. Perhaps in the triple digits, I really don't know or care to figure it out. I've loved 2 women, and one of them was very superficial compared to what I have with my wife. Sex does NOT equal love (or even "like") for men, especially for men that engage in affairs. Sex and seduction are a sport for a lot of guys, and you are the football. Act accordingly.

[somanymistakes]

Affair math (when you're both married) is simple. Man trades compliments/dinners/money/etc for sex. A married man, in 99% of cases, has all the emotional needs he has met already, men typically don't require a great emotional component to their lives.

 

Which does nothing to explain the emotional-only affairs, flirtations that were never intended to get to full sex, online-only relationships, etc.

 

Some people only want one or the other, some people want both, some people want as much of both as they can get hold of. People aren't all the same, not even men.

 

Of course, no man is going to gossip with his mates in the locker room about how he picked up a great new friend who listens to his hopes and fears the same way that he might brag about who he's banging.

 

So they aren't trying to make that kind of connection, they are trying to get sex, the thing that's very likely missing from their primary relationship. If you are OK with this, then by all means, affair away.

 

For that matter many men seeking affairs HAVE plenty of sex in their primary relationship... they just want more. Why settle for one dish when you can have a buffet, etc.

 

But if you think he really "loves you" and that's why your in the A, you are certainly are wrong. If he loves you, he'll leave his wife, full stop.

 

Of course people will also say just as determinedly "if he loves you, he'll break up with you to protect you" so really no matter what someone does people will argue it can't possibly be love.