Are long term affairs more than just sex

[oldshirt]

 

Since both planets have been able to avoid the bloodshed, destruction, famine, disease and all the other horrors of war, they had no incentive to end the war and so it waged on for centuries and millions and millions and millions of people died and neither planet made any efforts to either negotiate a peace or end the war.

 

 

I forgot to include the punch line to my story.

 

At the end of the show Cpt Kirk blows up the computer so the two planets can no longer wage their neat and tidy computer war.

 

If they want to make war, they'd have to do it with real guns and bombs and real destruction.

 

The same is true with your situation. If you stop screwing the OM it will do two things.

 

You'll find out where you really stand with OM (my guess is when the sex stops, you won't hear from him again)

 

And it will force you to address the issues in your marriage, or make you decide to finally end it and move on with your life.

[Serendipity55]

I have always felt if my AP was totally happy with his marriage then he wouldn't cheat. Maybe that is flawed thinking..but I would really like to believe that if he was totally fulfilled at home, he would not be seeking outside an outside fix.

 

When my xMM first told me he had feelings for me he told me it had shocked him and scared him because he was happy in his M. As things progressed he told me he can't have been as happy or fulfilled as he thought and his feelings for me had made him realise something was missing. I agree with you Savannah2 and I do believe that my xMM believed what he told me. But he is definitely a cake eater all the same so I suppose whether something is missing is irrelevant and plus I don't want to be an outside fix for his M. I deserve more.

[BTDT2012]

I have always felt if my AP was totally happy with his marriage then he wouldn't cheat. Maybe that is flawed thinking..but I would really like to believe that if he was totally fulfilled at home, he would not be seeking outside an outside fix.

 

My husband's unhappiness was with himself, not the marriage. Nobody should expect to be totally fulfilled by marriage. And I say that as one who has been an AP and a BS. And to answer the original question, in many cases LTA's are more than just sex.

Edited February 25, 2017 by BTDT2012

[stillafool]

Yes I would leave my husband, he loves me very much and would be devastated but its not there any more,if it was i wouldn't be doing this, my children are older and would support me,I am older than him.this affair has taught me how I should be feeling and how I can feel

 

If it's not there anymore divorce him and find someone you want to be with. Why waste anymore of his time and yours. There is a woman out there who will love your husband the way you love OM. What are you waiting for?

[aileD]

So we've established that you'd divorce your husband "for" the OM.

 

 

Would you divorce your husband if you didn't have another relationship to jump into immediately?

[Otherme]

No I would only divorce him for mm, I know there's no one else I would ever feel this way about again , my life is good with my husband, it's just I'm not in love with him anymore, I care for him and don't want to hurt him, and he's good to me

[somanymistakes]

You say you don't want to hurt him. But if you aren't letting him know that there's a weakness in your marriage, and that you might drift away from him if someone else who met your needs better asked you to, you are hurting him... you're closing yourself off from him and not telling him the truth, not giving him the chance to make things better. You're building a separation in your heart.

 

I'm not saying you should leave your marriage immediately just because you were tempted by another. However, if there is something lacking in your marriage and you're not telling your husband about it, you are not being a fair partner to him. And if you can't be a fair partner to him, you are hurting him both in terms of setting him up for the possible blindside of you leaving in the future, and in terms of keeping him locked in your relationship when he might be happy elsewhere.

[stillafool]

No I would only divorce him for mm, I know there's no one else I would ever feel this way about again , my life is good with my husband, it's just I'm not in love with him anymore, I care for him and don't want to hurt him, and he's good to me

 

How selfish. What about your husband? Doesn't he deserve to be with a woman who loves him the way you love MM? Divorce him and set him free to find true love. He'll never have it as long as he's with you.

[anika99]

No I would only divorce him for mm, I know there's no one else I would ever feel this way about again , my life is good with my husband, it's just I'm not in love with him anymore, I care for him and don't want to hurt him, and he's good to me

 

Well leaving a marriage for another person is one of the worst reasons to divorce. You leave a marriage for you, you leave because the marriage is over, you leave because you know you will be happier regardless of who else is in your life. Leaving just because you want to trade up to another man is a horrible plan. Not saying you shouldn't leave, actually I think you should and you should do it sooner rather than later because you clearly don't love or respect your husband and you both deserve more compassion and dignity than that. You should not force yourself to spend your life with a man you don't love and you definitely shouldn't force (by deception) your husband to spend his life with a woman who has no respect for him.

 

When you say you don't want to hurt your husband that is not true. You have said several times that you would leave your marriage in a heartbeat if it meant you could be with your MM. You would be perfectly willing to hurt your husband the moment you think it will be beneficial to you. It's not your husband you are looking out for, it's yourself.

[BaileyB]

When you say you don't want to hurt your husband that is not true. You have said several times that you would leave your marriage in a heartbeat if it meant you could be with your MM. You would be perfectly willing to hurt your husband the moment you think it will be beneficial to you. It's not your husband you are looking out for, it's yourself.

 

Bingo!

 

But, do you not think you are hurting your husband every time you have sex with another man? He just doesn't know about your betrayal yet... which affords you the delusional belief that what you are doing now isn't hurtful. But, the day that he learns the truth, you will see how hurtful your decisions have been to him...

[cocorico]

No I would only divorce him for mm, I know there's no one else I would ever feel this way about again , my life is good with my husband, it's just I'm not in love with him anymore, I care for him and don't want to hurt him, and he's good to me

 

You're happy to live an inauthentic life with a man you no longer love, because of comfort? And are willing to trade up, since something better has come your way? I'm guessing you know how superficial and materialistic that sounds, so I won't comment on that any further, except to say that that doesn't augur well for the sustainability of either R.

 

I'd suggest you end both, and go backpacking in Nepal or the Amazon to rediscover something - anything - about yourself that isn't just about the house you live in or the man on your arm. Find something that excites you about life, about yourself, and build an authentic version of yourself from the inside out, and once you're comfortable in your own skin again, then - and only then - concern yourself with who you might want to spend time with.

[cocorico]

 

 

 

When people have affairs that drag on for many months and years, it is because the WS enjoys the extra kibbles. It is cake eating. They like having both and they do not think the AP is a better deal than what they have at home.

 

That doesn't mean that there isn't some affection and warmies taking place. But it does mean that they don't think the AP is better for them than the BS (or the combination of both the BS and the AP)

 

Adultery is very very rarely about being dissatisfied with one's spouse and looking for a replacement before divorcing. 99% of the time adultery is about selfishness, entitlement, greed and having your cake and eating it too.

 

Men don't cheat to replace the old woman with a new woman. Men cheat to add more women and more sex into the mix.

 

 

Perhaps that's true for your friends, but certainly not for my H, nor my father, nor any of the other men I know IRL who left marriages of decades (with kids) to be with their LTA partners. OTC, a man who will leave a marriage of decades on a whim - which is what it is, if you've only known someone for weeks - is not someone I'd want to be with. I'd far rather someone thought it through properly, prepared for leaving so that kids etc were properly prepared, so that there was at least a chance of the R being sustainable.

 

Though I'm not saying that that is the situation OP faces. From what is described, this seems to be a band-aid R that allows both partners to continue in unsatisfactory Ms, rather than a fully sustainable R that could thrive on its own without the vestigial Ms to prop it up. I wouldn't describe it as "cake eating" because I don't think it is just "extras" for either party. I think both - but certainly the OP, and probably the OP's AP from how he's described - are living inauthentic lives and only partially inhabiting inauthentic Ms and so _need_ something else to allow them to maintain the charade of a "normal" life... the same way some people turn to alcohol, drugs or high-risk sports to find meaning in lives that would otherwise be empty. It's not cake, it's medication.

[Confused48]

Think about this statement:

 

 

I know there's no one else I would ever feel this way about again

 

 

Do you not see how fatalistic it is? How fanciful? This is childish infatuation you are feeling. You sound like a love sick teenager.

 

You can and likely will feel this way again with another man. If you married your MM I'd bet within 5 years you would be feeling it for a new guy and stepping out on your MM. Unless and until you learn that infatuation is something that you can generate almost at will, with almost anyone, then you will keep falling for this trick of the mind.

[freengreen]

Yes , I am with others here.

 

You think you found true love for yourself. Now its your husband's turn.

[Lady Hamilton]

Honestly, I think just asking if feelings are involved and it's more than just sex answers the question just fine.

 

If you have to ask, that's not good. After half a decade, if you don't know how your partner feels... Time to ask yourself some hard questions about how you're spending your time.

[Otherme]

I welcome all replies and thoughts thank you, but I can tell you it's not infatuation or fog,we have known each other for a long time before the affair started,we know each others faults,we know each others spouses, I have been married a long time and have never been tempted before, ever, I have a good life with my husband, he's a good man , but until this affair I didn't realise how I should be feeling, as I have never felt this intense love for anyone before, I know mm keeps his feelings guarded and I understand why, but I know he loves me to, although he doesn't declare it, he's a good man and I know it worries him too, we have broken up various times, but it's him that always comes back, it's not being selfish staying in my marriage, most people only leave when they find the right person, I'm an intelligent women with a good job and and a good life, I just happened to findo my perfect partner too late

[MJJean]

I welcome all replies and thoughts thank you, but I can tell you it's not infatuation or fog,we have known each other for a long time before the affair started,we know each others faults,we know each others spouses, I have been married a long time and have never been tempted before, ever, I have a good life with my husband, he's a good man , but until this affair I didn't realise how I should be feeling, as I have never felt this intense love for anyone before, I know mm keeps his feelings guarded and I understand why, but I know he loves me to, although he doesn't declare it, he's a good man and I know it worries him too, we have broken up various times, but it's him that always comes back, it's not being selfish staying in my marriage, most people only leave when they find the right person, I'm an intelligent women with a good job and and a good life, I just happened to findo my perfect partner too late

 

In my first marriage I was a WW. I had multiple affairs, one lasting 6 years.

 

Did I love my 6 year OM? No. He was a great companion and lover, but I didn't love him. I was fond of him and liked the easy conversation and the sex. Period. I was the one who ended the affair when he started declaring love and asking me to leave the marriage to live with him. Sure, I missed the sex and friendship after the affair ended, but my life went on as normal and I moved on to other AP's.

 

In contrast to that relationship, about 2 years after that affair ended, I met a man and fell in love. Within 3 months of meeting him we'd begun an affair, declared love for each other, and I'd left my marriage to be with him. At the time, my daughters were 6 and 1 year old.

 

Not to put too fine a point on it, I think your feelings are causing you to see what you want to see. If he loved you and you loved him, you'd both have left your marriages by now. You may have feelings for each other, but you both love your status quo.

[Lady Hamilton]

I welcome all replies and thoughts thank you, but I can tell you it's not infatuation or fog,we have known each other for a long time before the affair started,we know each others faults,we know each others spouses, I have been married a long time and have never been tempted before, ever, I have a good life with my husband, he's a good man , but until this affair I didn't realise how I should be feeling, as I have never felt this intense love for anyone before,

 

I'm not going to say that you won't ever feel like this again. Maybe you won't. Maybe this is yoht true love, your one-and-only, your soulmate. I found that in my AP.

 

The difference is though, I wasn't asking 5 years down the line if it was sex or love and rationalizing why he doesn't say, except for when his guard is down (during or post-sex doesn't count), as much. We made clear how much we meant to each other and after a relatively short period of time, we started the process of trying to be together. There was no "but my husband is a good guy and treats me well" and the "I can't leave because kids/wife/religion/family" went away in short order. We both thought we had "it," told each other as much, and acted accordingly.

 

I know mm keeps his feelings guarded and I understand why, but I know he loves me to, although he doesn't declare it, he's a good man and I know it worries him too, we have broken up various times, but it's him that always comes back, it's not being selfish staying in my marriage, most people only leave when they find the right person, I'm an intelligent women with a good job and and a good life, I just happened to findo my perfect partner too late

 

If most people only leave when they find the right person and you're so in love, why haven't you left?

 

I know the answer... Because he won't leave. And if people only leave when they right person, and he won't leave... What does that mean about you?

[Confused48]

I welcome all replies and thoughts thank you, but I can tell you it's not infatuation or fog,we have known each other for a long time before the affair started,we know each others faults,we know each others spouses, I have been married a long time and have never been tempted before, ever, I have a good life with my husband, he's a good man , but until this affair I didn't realise how I should be feeling, as I have never felt this intense love for anyone before, I know mm keeps his feelings guarded and I understand why, but I know he loves me to, although he doesn't declare it, he's a good man and I know it worries him too, we have broken up various times, but it's him that always comes back, it's not being selfish staying in my marriage, most people only leave when they find the right person, I'm an intelligent women with a good job and and a good life, I just happened to findo my perfect partner too late

 

This all sounds so cliche. Especially the "find my perfect partner too late." I'd laugh if it was not also just so sad. I see you are new here but your story is not. It is all too common.

 

I believe you when you say you are intelligent and have a good job. Intelligent women get fooled all the time by MM. They think they are too smart to be fooled so it must be real. But the way this works, it doesn't matter how smart you are, unless you have been through it or seen someone go through it, you don't realize how common it is and how easy it is to fall into this trap.

 

Not all MM are players out to fool women like you. Some just fall into the trap themselves with you. But its not real. You are not really in a loving relationship. Either he is playing you for his selfish needs or else he's just as confused as you are, but whatever, this is not some great love story unfolding here. This is a sordid affair that you will at some point, maybe very soon, regret very much.

[elaine567]

As you are a supposedly intelligent woman, what is your plan of action here?

What are you actually doing with your life?

 

YOU are in an affair with a MM who is never going to leave is wife as he has young kids.

A man who never says he loves you.

A man who breaks up with you but always comes back... I guess for the sex and the attention.

He is a first class cake eater.

You are risking your marriage here, but for what?

A man who will no doubt throw you under a bus as soon as his wife finds out...

 

A man you are besotted with, but a man there is no future with, you already know that...

Is self sabotage your usual MO?

Time to put your brain in gear and stop yourself free wheeling over the edge...

[Doublegold]

I divorced after a long marriage --25+ years-- when I realized I no longer loved my H and was attracted to someone else. It wasn't easy, but necessary. We get along well now.

 

Your H deserves to make a life with someone who loves him.

[Otherme]

I have to disagree when people say that it's an excuse for mm to stay in a marriage for the children. Children come first,how many ladies out there would have left their young children for a life with a mm, not many at a guess,I know i couldn't have done it. I believe my married man loves me, but he loves his children more, which I love and admire him for, I know without children involved he would be with me.sometimes, you marry for the wrong reasons and meet your perfect partner too late.

[Poppy47]

I have to disagree when people say that it's an excuse for mm to stay in a marriage for the children. Children come first,how many ladies out there would have left their young children for a life with a mm, not many at a guess,I know i couldn't have done it. I believe my married man loves me, but he loves his children more, which I love and admire him for, I know without children involved he would be with me.sometimes, you marry for the wrong reasons and meet your perfect partner too late.

 

I like this post. It shows some realistic thought.

 

A married AP has often had a long life with the spouse and children. It should not surprise the OW/OM that the AP is unwilling to give all that away for "love".

 

People have history together and families. Why would they trade it for the uncertainty of an AP? The upheaval and unhappiness of loved ones would surely be a strong deterrent.

 

I know xMM loved me to bits. He also had a 50 year marriage and life behind him. I never expected him to abandon it. If he had , he would start hating me.

 

Poppy.

[Sampson]

Otherme,

 

Please know I am trying to show the contrarian view and get you to think deeply about these important choices and feelings you have. I have no judgment or feel one way or another on your choices because they are yours. But please take time, ask questions. Wish you the best.

 

I have to disagree when people say that it's an excuse for mm to stay in a marriage for the children.

 

Excuse for MM to stay in his marriage for children. It is exactly what it is. Having an affair is not thinking about kids or his wife's emotional health.

 

Exactly how would a child react if the wife found out about his affair and a messy divorce tearing apart the family and having to watch their mother be destroyed inside because of his actions? Some children require years of therapy to deal with parents going through infidelity issues.

 

Children come first,how many ladies out there would have left their young children for a life with a mm, not many at a guess,I know i couldn't have done it.

 

How many MM would have accepted their AP and another man's kids over his wife and kids?

 

I believe my married man loves me, but he loves his children more, which I love and admire him for,

 

You admire the projection and justification of this quote, because if he loved his children more he would be with them, spending time with them, engaging with them rather than spending time with you. His actions are pointing to he only loves himself.

 

I know without children involved he would be with me.

 

For how long? What makes you the special snowflake his wife is not?

 

sometimes, you marry for the wrong reasons and meet your perfect partner too late.

 

So when you say "wrong reasons" you forget there are feelings involved, love usually at a wedding with friends and family in attendence. And how did they get there in the first place by dating.

 

Perfect partner? What exactly is this? Has Match.com had it right all along? Relationships are not two puzzle pieces that fit together, they take work, communication, and understanding. All the ups and downs.

 

What happens when another woman comes along for your MM that his puzzle piece fits into hers?

Edited March 4, 2017 by Sampson

[Imajerk17]

I think the person that people feel awful for* are your husband. You are betraying him in about the worst possible way behind his back. Your husband loves you, but he has no idea what is going on. You are staying with him only because you can't be with MM full-time. You are ripping your husband off. Talk about cold-hearted. Doesn't that bother you? Where is your sense of integrity?

 

What makes you think your kids would back you in supporting your affair. Especially since, you haven't told even them...

 

 

*Not to mention MM's wife.

Edited March 5, 2017 by Imajerk17