Are long term affairs more than just sex

[anika99]

I think many MM in affairs follow a pattern. First there is lust. Many MW are initially driven by lust too and both MM and MW/OW often say when their affair started it was just supposed to be NSA sex. From there the MM and MW/OW go into a phase of infatuation with one another while still being driven by lust. It is in this phase that I think most MM will entertain thoughts of leaving his wife and family. If the MM doesn't leave his wife while he is in this infatuated state then he will most likely never leave.

 

After the feelings of infatuation die down then I think the MM and the MW/OW part ways regarding their emotions. At this point the woman has probably developed a strong bond to the MM through sex and emotional sharing, whereas the MM is winding down from the high of infatuation and beginning to regard the OW as simply a person he knows. A person he may really like or even care for, but still just a person. A person who is no better or worse than his wife and he no longer sees her as a magical unicorn who will provide him with never ending bliss. Once his lust and infatuation dies down, which happens in every relationship over time, he can't fathom going through the pain and discomfort of leaving his wife and breaking up his family all for someone who is just another person.

[AutumnMoon]

Sorry, I can't agree with this. I know quite a few men with long term AP's who have little/no feelings for their AP. I know no men with long term AP's who really "love" their AP. I think it's far more common for men to keep a long term AP around for sex than most women would guess; sex is extremely important to men; if you find a supply of it, most men will do whatever it takes to keep it flowing.

 

I've never had an A, but I do know a lot of men who have/are. It's, 100% of the time, about sex for them. They want more/different sex (or their wives let themselves go and they want sex with someone they find attractive; NOT saying this is right, but it's a "reason", no matter how shallow). They do not want more emotional closeness or another "friend" to vent to.

 

Affair math (when you're both married) is simple. Man trades compliments/dinners/money/etc for sex.

 

Sorry but I find it almost laughable when I betrayed spouse thinks they know how the person in the affair actually feels.

I'm not trying to offend you and I'm very sorry for the hurt you've been in. But my AP .. and myself.. would not risk what we are risking unless there was real feelings.

 

You Completely made up the statistic of 99% of married men in affairs are getting their emotional needs met at home? You are so far off.. so far. It's actually the emotional needs not being met that start the process in the first place, many men change it into being about sex because that's easiest for them, but if their emotional needs are being met at home, they would just jerk off not cheat.. same for a lot of women.

 

It is a lot more complex than you are thinking when I talk a long-term thing I'm talking years with the same person, or just hook ups, somebody is not going to the same person for more than a few years without feelings being involved you are lying to yourself if you think they will . They will find somebody else with no strings attached.

 

It's not always love no. But If it's a long-term affair there is feelings wrapped up in it.

[AutumnMoon]

Absolutely lying to yourself.

 

And enough with the statistics.. 99% you said first and and said 100% of the time it's just about sex.

 

There have been times when my AP just wants to cuddle or kiss me. There have been times when we have not been sexual at all and simply wanted to be in the same room. Just make eye contact or hear one another's voice.

 

I have read your past posts and I actually think I know more about your situation from your wife's side than you do and I believe you are lying to yourself and you will get over things much faster once you stop doing that.

 

I never said it's about love always. Every situation is different but it's definitely about more than just sex when it's long term in most cases.. that are not just hook ups. if it's like a once a month hook up that's not really what I'm talking about when I say long term.

[elaine567]

After the feelings of infatuation die down then I think the MM and the MW/OW part ways regarding their emotions. At this point

 

the woman has probably developed a strong bond to the MM through sex and emotional sharing,

whereas

the MM is winding down from the high of infatuation and beginning to regard the OW as simply a person he knows.

 

I agree the MM at that point is happy with the status quo, he has a wife and an OW and that suits him fine.

The OW on the other hand is in agony. After a few years, the relationship should be progressing, but its not. She sees herself always waiting in the wings whilst he just gets on with his life.

She starts getting annoyed, he shuts her down, she was supposed to be about love and fun, he doesn't want another moaning wife.... she relents she cannot lose him, not now, not after all this time... he starts to realise he can get away with just about anything, as she is completely besotted...

[AutumnMoon]

Sorry, I can't agree with this. I know quite a few men with long term AP's who have little/no feelings for their AP. I know no men with long term AP's who really "love" their AP. I think it's far more common for men to keep a long term AP around for sex than most women would guess; sex is extremely important to men; if you find a supply of it, most men will do whatever it takes to keep it flowing.

 

I've never had an A, but I do know a lot of men who have/are. It's, 100% of the time, about sex for them. They want more/different sex (or their wives let themselves go and they want sex with someone they find attractive; NOT saying this is right, but it's a "reason", no matter how shallow). They do not want more emotional closeness or another "friend" to vent to.

 

Affair math (when you're both married) is simple. Man trades compliments/dinners/money/etc for sex. A married man, in 99% of cases, has all the emotional needs he has met already, men typically don't require a great emotional component to their lives. So they aren't trying to make that kind of connection, they are trying to get sex, the thing that's very likely missing from their primary relationship. If you are OK with this, then by all means, affair away. But if you think he really "loves you" and that's why your in the A, you are certainly are wrong. If he loves you, he'll leave his wife, full stop.

 

I've been with a lot of women in my years before my W. Perhaps in the triple digits, I really don't know or care to figure it out. I've loved 2 women, and one of them was very superficial compared to what I have with my wife. Sex does NOT equal love (or even "like") for men, especially for men that engage in affairs. Sex and seduction are a sport for a lot of guys, and you are the football. Act accordingly.

 

 

 

Well no, you are wrong. 100 percent? Get outta here ha ha!! Keep telling yourself that buddy.

[AutumnMoon]

I want sex more than he does.. this year. It's fluctuated.. but right now my AP needs my emotional support more than anything sexual I can offer him.

 

He's asked me many times to consider a real life with him. It might happen someday but at this moment I love what we have.

 

5 years strong, almost a decade as best friends.

[AutumnMoon]

Most are about sex yes. If it's long term and not only hookups it's not ONLY about sex.

[elaine567]

I realise this board is not representative of the whole population and I realise many men are not that forthcoming about "feelings", but whilst we get loads of men coming here pining over lost loves, wives and gfs, I do not see many pining over OWs. I racked my brain trying to think of any.

We do occasionally get MM wondering if they should leave their marriage for the OW, but no-one seems to wax lyrical over having an OW or the special qualities of their OW, apart from saying the sex was phenomenal or her body was fantastic.

So whilst I am not with the 100% figure, as nothing in life seems to be 100%, I am thinking affairs to MM are mainly about sex whether short or long term.

[AutumnMoon]

I realise this board is not representative of the whole population and I realise many men are not that forthcoming about "feelings", but whilst we get loads of men coming here pining over lost loves, wives and gfs, I do not see many pining over OWs. I racked my brain trying to think of any.

We do occasionally get MM wondering if they should leave their marriage for the OW, but no-one seems to wax lyrical over having an OW or the special qualities of their OW, apart from saying the sex was phenomenal or her body was fantastic.

So whilst I am not with the 100% figure, as nothing in life seems to be 100%, I am thinking affairs to MM are mainly about sex whether short or long term.

 

 

 

I PM with two OM's on here often, one who has posted a few times on things forum specifically. I think you are right they don't often share how they feel often that doesn't mean it's only about sex for them.

 

Many men having affairs are just as insecure as the women.

 

In my situation he told me he loved me first he continuously tells me at even when I am not able to say it back. Every situation is different. My AP craves the emotional connection from me much more thanes he craves sex especially lately

[elaine567]

I PM with two OM's on here often, one who has posted a few times on things forum specifically. I think you are right they don't often share how they feel often that doesn't mean it's only about sex for them.

An OM is a different person from an MM though, and yes one or two of these come on and basically act like an OW. They feel used and abused by a MW, a MW who won't leave her husband, a MW who acts like MM, a MW who is using the OM for sex and thrills...

[AutumnMoon]

An OM is a different person from an MM though, and yes one or two of these come on and basically act like an OW. They feel used and abused by a MW, a MW who won't leave her husband, a MW who acts like MM, a MW who is using the OM for sex and thrills...

 

Very true. I should have put MM. Both are married.

[Overtaxed]

I realise this board is not representative of the whole population and I realise many men are not that forthcoming about "feelings", but whilst we get loads of men coming here pining over lost loves, wives and gfs, I do not see many pining over OWs. I racked my brain trying to think of any.

We do occasionally get MM wondering if they should leave their marriage for the OW, but no-one seems to wax lyrical over having an OW or the special qualities of their OW, apart from saying the sex was phenomenal or her body was fantastic.

So whilst I am not with the 100% figure, as nothing in life seems to be 100%, I am thinking affairs to MM are mainly about sex whether short or long term.

 

Bolded above, this is exactly the "waxing poetic" I hear from friends about their A.

 

I didn't say 100% of A's are about sex for MM. I did say that in my group of male friends (which is pretty large because of what I do for work) who are having/have had A's, 100% of those are about sex. That's all they talk about. They might "care" for the other woman, but mostly in the ways she can provide them new/unique sex. Sure, they could be putting on a show for their mates, but, as a man myself, I'm inclined to believe them. I'd only consider an A for sex; my emotional needs are 1/100th of my overall relationship desires, the other 99% is my sexual needs/desires. For other men, the math will be different, some men do really crave more emotional connection then they are getting at home, but that's a rare breed. Just like a woman entering into an A strictly for sex, makes for good "Penthouse Letters" type reading, but, in most cases, it's for an emotional connection that they aren't getting from their H.

 

Sure, these are generalizations. But, they exist for a reason. Men joke non-stop about "no sex at home" because it's TRUE and resonates with most other men out there. Women joke that their husbands wouldn't notice if they came home and cried for 3 days straight as long as they got a BJ a night, and, its also funny because IT'S TRUE.

 

The thing that messes up the math is that you can't "fake" a sexual connection. If you have sex with a MM, you really had sex with him. You can; and many men do, fake the emotional connection. It's really easy for most men to say "I love you" when there's sex on offer in the next few hours. Men have been socialized to lie about that from a very young age, and most of us, especially those of us who have been when a lot of women are very, very good at faking those emotions to get sex. No, not all male APs are doing this (especially not unmarried ones, or those for whom the A is their primary relationship). But, if they are married, there's a very, very good chance that they aren't being 100% genuine stating their feelings.

 

And to the other poster, yes, I'm a BS, but no, it's not at all "comforting" to think that my wife was played for a fool by her AP. But she was. It's also not my personal experience in an A, so I can't tell you what I felt for my AP, but I can tell you, I've probably heard dozens of stories from male friends about A's by this point in my life. Not one of those stories revolved around their AP's awesome personality, their great stories, or their ability to make the room light up when they walk into it. They revolve around sex. The crazy sex they talk you into, the things they do with you their wives won't do. The stuff they did with you that you tell them your husband has never done. That's the stuff that they are after; and yes, it's a small sample size. But it's also probably a relatively representative sample of the kind of guy who seeks out an A. Choose to believe otherwise if you wish, and by all means, your A could be different. But chances are good it's an emotional connection for you and a sexual connection for your AP, as a gross generalization.

[Overtaxed]

Well no, you are wrong. 100 percent? Get outta here ha ha!! Keep telling yourself that buddy.

 

100% of my friends who've told me about their A's, this is the case. Is it always the case? No, it's not, and I incorrectly implied that.

[cocorico]

My H (fMM) would not have left his M - with all the upheaval involved - if the A was "just about sex". No sex is that good - especially when there are abiding concerns about splitting up a family, causing disruption for the kids, etc.

[Furious]

Does anyone think that a 5 year affair can be just sex or do you think emotions must be involved. I am hopelessly in love with my married man, nothing like I've ever felt for my husband, he's a little more guarded with his feelings but by what he says when he let's his guard down I believe he loves me too..although the he had young kids so impossible for him to ever leave

 

The paradox is that in real time if one were to add up the times together excluding the phone chats or texting how much is it truly 5 years in total.

 

Time and years, if you do the math are two different things.

 

As for the "children" and both of you staying married due to obligation might just be a quick and easy justification to soothe and distract from what the future holds.

 

Maybe both of you require duel needs, maybe not one person is enough for both of your needs and wants. The "safety" of your marriages fulfills the stability you need while the affair fulfils the excitement you may need.

 

Perhaps the affair has reached a point that it's not as exciting as it once was and it leaves you insecure and as in most relationships it requires effort to recapture the intensity it once had.

 

All relationships go through phases. I get the feeling you are experiencing a loss of control and questioning your affair partner's love for you. This is where it gets tricky since you are both capable of deceit and duplicity and it's the elephant in the room that must be addressed.

[oldlion]

You want to know if it is more than sex? Then stop sleeping with him and see how long he stays around. I always read where both men and women say, "I never felt this way about my husband/wife. I never loved them like I do my AP. My husband/wife never made me feel like my AP does." My question is this; if all this is true then why in the bloody hell did you marry them in the first place? If this is all true then all you did is cheat your husband/wife out of a life with someone who would have loved them. You wasted two lives....your husband's and yours. I do wish you well.

Edited March 18, 2017 by oldlion

[Sampson]

bring reality into the "relationship" and see what happens. do your mm still say sweet things and "love" you? right its easier to lie when everything is secret and only between you two.

 

think this might be fantasy?

[somanymistakes]

bring reality into the "relationship" and see what happens. do your mm still say sweet things and "love" you?

 

what do you even mean by bringing reality into it, though?

[Sampson]

what do you even mean by bringing reality into it, though?

 

Food for thought....

 

Isn't​ a relationship in secret just fantasy? Isn't a relationship in secret just an alternate reality for one or the other partner? Who in this secret is in fantasy and who is in reality? How can a MM have a wife and/or kids and say he loves his affair partner? He can't even love his kids to a degree he is robbing time and energy from being with them? What is his definition of love?

 

Bring reality into the fold the wife of MM and see what is fantasy and what is reality. Otherwise ask to what end is this relationship going to unfold. 1 day 1 week 1 year 1 decade from now.

 

I submit that because your MM is keeping it secret from his wife he does not want to lose his wife and as such is in fantasy. And the words and I love you are just said to get a result or enhance his fantasy.

Edited March 19, 2017 by Sampson

[AutumnMoon]

Food for thought....

 

Isn't​ a relationship in secret just fantasy? Isn't a relationship in secret just an alternate reality for one or the other partner? Who in this secret is in fantasy and who is in reality? How can a MM have a wife and/or kids and say he loves his affair partner? He can't even love his kids to a degree he is robbing time and energy from being with them? What is his definition of love?

 

Bring reality into the fold the wife of MM and see what is fantasy and what is reality. Otherwise ask to what end is this relationship going to unfold. 1 day 1 week 1 year 1 decade from now.

 

I submit that because your MM is keeping it secret from his wife he does not want to lose his wife and as such is in fantasy. And the words and I love you are just said to get a result or enhance his fantasy.

 

I don't think things like this can be generalized so much.

Everything that happens between us is absolutely based in reality, it was fantasy for a long time and there is still a lot of fantasizing involved. We deal with day-to-day situations together though. The good the bad and the ugly.

 

Our relationship is just as real as the one he has with his wife, and I have with my husband, if not more so because there's a huge aspect of his life that she knows absolutely nothing about, ands large amount of experiences that my husband is not around to experience with me because he's just not here.

 

Long term affairs are different than flings or people who meet up once a month .

[lostinlust80]

Overtaxed, I've been following your story and reading your insights as to the male psyche and I find it really refreshing. I wanted to thank you for being on here to remind all of us that we're probably not the exception to the rule or the special snowflake in the MM's life, like we want to be.

 

As someone that (unfortunately) has been involved in a LTA, I can say there are definitely feelings involved, but obviously those feelings are not strong enough to drive a change in the situation. If the AP is so in love with you, why would you be second place for year(s)? These are things I remind myself whenever I find myself romanticizing the situation.

[Southwardbound]

I don't think things like this can be generalized so much.

Everything that happens between us is absolutely based in reality, it was fantasy for a long time and there is still a lot of fantasizing involved. We deal with day-to-day situations together though. The good the bad and the ugly.

 

Our relationship is just as real as the one he has with his wife, and I have with my husband, if not more so because there's a huge aspect of his life that she knows absolutely nothing about, ands large amount of experiences that my husband is not around to experience with me because he's just not here.

 

Long term affairs are different than flings or people who meet up once a month .

 

I have to say, it really annoys me when I hear people say that an LTA isn't a 'real' relationship. I don't think the 'fantasy' label applies to all affairs. My LTA certainly is 'real.' My OM partner & I talk, text, and email all throughout the day, -everyday. We don't live near each other - LDR, so we meet up for several weeks at a time, most months, essentially living together then. - Just like any other couple we discuss; money, family, friends, holidays, politics, go out for dinners, movies, etc. - sounds all like 'real' relationship stuff to me. So, yes, like Autumn Moon, I feel my relationship is 'real.' And yes, I too, 'know a lot of aspects in his life that she knows nothing about.' Does she know about me? No, he's never told her, about me before they married years ago. And he hasn't told her now, either.

 

Can you love your LTA partner - my answer would be yes. Personally, I find it hard to believe anyone in a long term affair wouldn't love or care a great deal about their AP. But, every affair is indeed, different.

[PickledHead]

For sure long term affairs can be about more than sex.

 

As with any kind of relationship, each is different. There are probably many based just on sex and many that aren't

 

Mine isn't just sex (but then I would say that) - I have been OW for over 2 years. We are in constant contact, see each other at least twice a day and it's not much of a secret. It feels very much like a normal relationship except it has the downside that there is no future being built from it

 

For the long term affairs that are just about meeting sexual needs then that may well suit both parties involved anyway. The real issue is where one sees it as just sex and the other sees it as more

[Southwardbound]

For sure long term affairs can be about more than sex.

 

As with any kind of relationship, each is different. There are probably many based just on sex and many that aren't

 

Mine isn't just sex (but then I would say that) - I have been OW for over 2 years. We are in constant contact, see each other at least twice a day and it's not much of a secret. It feels very much like a normal relationship except it has the downside that there is no future being built from it

 

For the long term affairs that are just about meeting sexual needs then that may well suit both parties involved anyway. The real issue is where one sees it as just sex and the other sees it as more

 

I think you hit the nail on the head... being that the 'real issue... [is how] the other sees it.' Does each AP see their relationship in the same light? Do they talk about their Affair in terms of what they each are looking to/ both get out of it, as in most relationships? How do the circumstances of their Affair, affect the relationship now & in it's future? Does the Affair have a future - or is it only an in-the-moment short-term activity to help one pass time/ keep their primary relationship intact? I think if you're in an LTA- Affair you need to be clear about the answers to these questions.

[Poppy's sister]

I am in a lta... And we have not had sex for 8 months. It's a bit rubbish but as a couple we are still very much together and have a plan for our futures which doesn't involve leaving our homes right now. But like a previous poster said we discuss issues and work things out together. We both accept that for personal reasons our logistics do not allow us to be together right now but neither of us think we are not a couple. It's most definitely not just about sex.