Another one bites the dust !

[Chilli]

Another thing l noticed through all the old emails washer negativity .

l'd forgotten most of it,

But one of her favorites was , we are incompatible.

So l'd say well babe , if you really believe that then wth are you even doing here. And why are you willing to fly across the world for me all the time when we;'re so incompatible ,why are you even bothering ?

 

Man she loved throwing that word around , never could work out why. it'd be all love love love and then wham.

But there was lots of other stuff too, much worse.

l remembered back there was so many negative things she'd say all the time, l often told her she was too negative .

l dunno if ir was bait to hope l might try harder or what the idea was.

She admitted she was too negative.

 

Another thing l'd forgotten , was the pressure about her coming over. everyday , sometimes 10 times a day she'd bring it up .

Sometimes l'd say babe, that's about the 5th time you've mentioned that just today alone, you bring it up every single day at least a few times.

She'd say and, l'll keep bringing it up too.

Funny really , had a hard time not laughing at a reply like that.

Edited August 24, 2017 by Chilli

[Downtown]

Another thing l noticed through all the old emails was her negativity.

If she is a BPDer, Chilli, the frequent negativity is to be expected. BPDers typically have periods of normality interrupted by periods of negativity, which occur whenever you've triggered either her abandonment fear or her engulfment fear. Unlike bipolar-1 sufferers, BPDers typically do not exhibit the manic highs that are the polar opposite of the negative lows. Instead, with BPDers, you see normality being interrupted frequently by periods of negativity. This is why therapists can easily mistake BPD behavior for bipolar-2 behavior.

 

Another thing l'd forgotten, was the pressure about her coming over. everyday , sometimes 10 times a day she'd bring it up. Sometimes l'd say babe, that's about the 5th time you've mentioned that just today alone, you bring it up every single day at least a few times.

That obsessive repetition could be a red flag for a simple anxiety disorder or for moderate traits of Obsessive Compulsive PD. The 2008 study I mentioned earlier found that 81% of females diagnosed as having full-blown BPD also have a co-occurring anxiety disorder -- and 24% have co-occurring Obsessive Compulsive PD.

[Chilli]

Thanks for that DT.

 

And actually , something clicked in all that.

Triggering abandonment fears.

Because she also put soooo much into us and into me tbh. l'm almost ashamed when l think of it now and just how hard she tried and her efforts, massive changes she was willing to make and do for us, like move across the world for one and moving across to Sanfran to be closer while we were waiting,but so many many other things too , almost as big.

Always investigating and coming up with ideas, l don't really think it was anxiety but just pure Italian excitement with us and wanting to get it all moving in a really excitable person.

She is a real go getter in anything she does, just goes at it full on once her minds made up.

 

But , she had so much frustration from me because although l was just as exited l was also cautious and hold backish because l had to be with my sitch, but that drove her a bit crazy, especially after 12mths,

There were big reasons though as l was still getting on my feet financially after divorce, l wasn't in a position to cater for an over seas gf, l was worried non stop about my daughter because where l was living l couldn't see her enough and l was desperate to get on my feet and buy a new house closer and to give her a solid base again and where we could see each other as much as possible again as soon as poss'

And gf was very supportive of me and my daughter and tried hard to always be there for me as support.

But l also often either had to cancel or simply could not manage a lot of our plans too, gf and l.

But as usual she was her typical 100mph pace and that was too much on top of my daughter sitch and work and new housing at the time.

Eventually she'd start coming out with things or a fight would break out in frustration, with the sitch and that's when negative stuff would come out. Almost always stemming from shear disappointment though when l think about it, let downs.

But really , she was doing so much for us and trying so hard to bring it all together, maybe it was she was just scared l'd dump it all at any second. too so the abandonment , she actually said as much a few times ocme to think of it.

And l must admit , l couldn't blame her. l let her down a lot with my sitch. But l was also always trying to slow her down though.

Her reply , she was a Ferrari , can't slow her down. Gotta love it,

So many variables and mixed circumstances and reasons for things though is why l'm still to this day just not quite sure if it was even bpd or just a very exited but very disappointed and pissed off gf in the end , gf.

No ifs or buts she was def' quick tempered at times and a fiery little sh@t , and she def' had things , but we all have things , l do often wonder though .

Unfortunately it was more real life we needed to actually know more.

Edited August 25, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

One thing that l can say does def' ring true in my sitch from everything l've read , is the confusion.

 

You know , stuff l tried to say in the last post, there were a lot of really big big let downs for her.

l do know it was usually her that lashed out in the first place when something started, but with all those let downs and frustrations well, can't help but wonder what if !

She def' over reacts and def' in a more nastier way than most, that l can also say.

l've tried to work through all this stuff because l wanna know if it was me or her or just us or wth , if we could've done things differently, what if's, have we wasted what we had or is there really no other way, it's a closure thing l guess for me.

 

The strangest thing is though , l can remember near every move, happening, reasons and causes and effects through 19 yrs with my ex w and understand everything that happened.

 

But the weird thing is, in only 18mths with gf, yet it's all that damn blurry.

That alone does sound so bdp , l know.

Edited August 25, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

There's one thing l've still wondered, if you happen to drop in DT, what you think.

 

Cold , blunt , insulting words ?

But not necessarily during any out bursts or anything, even just in normal convo she'd just blurt out anything or call you anything, yet seemed to feel just absolutely nothing about saying it, zero sensitivity. Things no women l've ever known would just come out and say to her man.

Yet if l was to say that same thing to her she couldn't take it.

Mind you , she'd be the same with good things she had to say or her love or anything else too and just blurt it out all over the place. .

 

But is it a bpd thing to be like that even during good times, something l can't quite gather from info.

[Downtown]

Cold, blunt, insulting words? ...even just in normal convo she'd just blurt out anything or call you anything, yet seemed to feel just absolutely nothing about saying it, zero sensitivity.... She'd be the same with good things she had to say or her love or anything else too and just blurt it out all over the place.

Chilli, it sounds like you may be describing a lack of impulse control, which is one of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD. Like young children, BPDers seem to have no filter on what comes out of their mouths whenever they are experiencing intense feelings.

 

One reason is that they cannot do self calming or regulate their own emotions. Another reason is that they do not intellectually challenge the validity of an intense feeling. Instead, they accept a very intense feeling as a self-evident "fact," in the same way that young children are convinced that every intense feeling is so strong that it MUST be true.

 

As to her "zero sensitivity," I note that there are two types of empathy. Cognitive empathy occurs when a person can read your expressions and UNDERSTAND how you must be feeling. Affective empathy occurs when a person can actually FEEL how you are feeling. This distinction is important when you're trying to understand how other people perceive of your intentions and motivations.

 

Autistic people, for example, typically lack both types of empathy. Narcissists and sociopaths typically have zero affective empathy but may have very great cognitive empathy -- an attribute that makes them very skillful at manipulating you. In contrast, BPDers typically have much empathy of both types while splitting you white -- but have none at all while splitting you black. This, at least, is my understanding and has been my experience, Chilli.

[Chilli]

l do need to absorb that more tbh but thanks again DT.

 

But the biggest things jumping out in that though are the zero empathy in black and her bluntness, but yeah in the white , quite tender and very sensitive .

The black in just everyday, would flip in a second from white, say if she didn't agree in something l said, even one word, or l didn't with her.

The fact , yeah, everything that came out was fact , no ifs or buts,prove it wrong, forget it , can't do, and lack of impulse control too, with words anyway,

But all only between us you know, out in the world or with work she was the opposite, the mask down to perfection and extremely good with people, extremely capable, problems, everything.

Edited September 24, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

Apologies for hashing over old ground all the time to btw and more details.

Tbh , better understanding, seems as this stuff doesn't come easy to me, is a closure thing for me and so hopefully an acceptance in the end that l've done the right thing.

[Downtown]

Out in the world or with work she was the opposite, the mask done to perfection and extremely good with people, extremely capable, problems, everything.

Chilli, if she truly has a "mask done to perfection" when dealing with business associates and strangers, you are describing narcissistic or antisocial (sociopathic) behavior. In contrast, if she only exhibits strong BPD traits, it is highly unlikely that she is being fake with those people. Rather, she likely is genuinely concerned about them.

 

As I discussed earlier, a BPDer generally does NOT intend to deceive and manipulate people. Rather, her abusive behavior is motivated by a powerful need to defend herself from perceived threats (real or imagined) to her two great fears. Significantly, with high functioning BPDers, those fears can be triggered only by loved ones and friends/family who have drawn close to her. These fears usually are not triggered by casual friends, business associates, clients, or total strangers. The reason is that there is no close R/S that can be abandoned -- and no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of being engulfed.

 

Hence, with BPDers, you typically are NOT seeing a fake, masked individual. Rather, you are seeing a genuine, sincere individual who is trying her best to deal with her strong fears, her lack of a strong self identity, and her inability to regulate her own emotions. Like young children, BPDers can only handle dealing with one intense feeling at a time. They cannot handle two strong conflicting feelings. This limitation results in unstable behavior, not masked behavior. I hope this distinction is helpful to you.

[Chilli]

Ahh right , that all makes sense with her. lt doesn't seem like a mask either she has always just seemed genuinely very good with people out in the world and they really like her too.

But knowing what she can sometimes be like privately , l have always thought it must all just be a fake front out there but maybe not then.

 

But you know what really hit home in what you''ve described , defending herself .

That is exactly the sort of thing l've sometimes thought it could be if she does start snapping.

 

lt can usually be as if it's not so much that l might have say disagreed or whatever it was but more as if she took it as a personal attack and so as if she jumped on it thinking she had to defend herself .

 

I don't know about other stuff like how she can just be as blunt as a brick and just say some really off thing to you , but it really does seem to be a defending thing at other times, especially disagreeing or if we got into a tangle, she'd bring out both barrels in an instant.

l've even wondered if because she is tiny , if she was picked on back in school days or something .Or maybe it began after her ex .ln their last 2yrs he completely turned and ran her down in every way, poor thing was a very broken girl when l first met her,

Edited September 24, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

3/4 of our tangles usually only flared up in the first place with her jumping all over you with both barrels too over some tiny little thing she took wrong. It often came across as thinking she needed to defend herself.

Weirdest thing is l spent more time defending myself with her in 19mths than 20yrs with ex.

Mostly if she just could've chilled out a little and questioned or thought for a second before she started shooting their wouldn't have even been any fights.

Edited September 24, 2017 by Chilli

[Downtown]

I don't know about other stuff like how she can just be as blunt as a brick and just say some really off thing to you....

Sure you do. You already know a lot about it. There is one large group of people -- scattered throughout every neighborhood -- who are known worldwide to be "as blunt as a brick." Children. They are so guileless, open, and naive that they frequently embarrass their parents and other adults by speaking the unmitigated, unvarnished truth. As I noted earlier, BPDers have the emotional development of a young child.

 

Granted, most BPDers do not exhibit this bluntness and other immature behavior around strangers and casual friends. As discussed earlier, this behavior occurs around very close friends and loved ones because they are the people who can trigger the BPDer's two fears.

 

Fortunately, most BPDers also exhibit the warmth, spontaneity, exuberance, and purity of facial expressions that otherwise are seen only in young children. And they generally exhibit these attributes in front of total strangers and casual friends. This is why most BPDers are so quickly liked by complete strangers. With my exW, for example, strangers immediately feel comfortable around her -- and feel like they've known her for years after talking to her for only a half hour.

[Chilli]

Ahh of course, yes now l'm with you and funny but that is actually exactly what she's like too with things she'll just say or blurt out.

 

So your ex was well liked too , l didn't expect that with yours she sounded way too far gone.

 

Funny , mine lives by the saying ,

"she chooses her battles "

She must've said it 100 times

And she does too but she will have a go at someone out in the world no problem at all if she feels strongly about whatever's going on.

But it's in a very controlled and disciplined way.

So she's quite capable of self discipline but as like you say l guess , there's no choosing with us though.

lf she used that with us she'd be great.

 

Thanks again for all that too DT .

Edited September 25, 2017 by Chilli