LDR Bringing Out Red Flags?

[OatsAndHall]

I met a gal and we started dating last summer. I decided to go back into teaching and that meant moving four and a half hours away from her and my hometown. We talked about it while we I was here and decided to give an LDR a shot. The stress of it resulted in a break up last fall but we got back together a few months ago. That's a long story. But, several things have popped up lately that have me concerned.

 

1. On the weekends, she wants to text back and forth constantly. I have a lot on my plate right now between work and finishing my Masters degree. I text with her for a few hours in the morning but then I get on with my day. We'll chat over the phone but it's only when she wants to. She has gotten upset several times because I am stop texting when I need to get stuff done. I'm not the type to carry my phone with me all day and, as I have told her, I don't like texting all of the time.

 

2. I make it back into town once every couple of months. It's a long drive, I generally have to take personal time to get down here and it's a pain in the a--. Especially when I've got stuff to do on the weekends. I know this isn't easy for either of us but it just is what it is.

 

3.I try to be fair with my time: my family and friends are here so I hang out with them but spend the majority of my time with her. However, this is becoming an issue. I needed to get my car looked at yesterday as one of my best friends is a mechanic here in town. She wanted to meet up for breakfast but I told her that I was getting my car looked at ASAP as I've had problems with it. She works nights, was tired and dragging and asked if we could hang out that morning and then I'd take my car in. I couldn't do that as my friend had limited time to help me out yesterday. I told her I would get it done (it took all of an hour) and then we'd meet up. But, she said she was just going to go back to bed and that we'd hang out today. She said she wasn't upset.. She was.

 

4. Throughout our relationship, I have always spent Saturday mornings with my mom and brother and get over to her place at about 11am. I'm generally over there all day and into the late evening. She texted me this morning and asked me to take her to breakfast. I explained to her that I was going to spend some time with my family as I haven't seen nor talked to them much since I have been back. They worked yesterday, came home and went to bed within a few hours as they've both got colds. She is upset about that now.

 

5. We had talked about going on a sushi date this weekend but I got hit with some big bills this month and my tax return hasn't come in. I spend nearly $100 dollars just getting down here so it's a stretch. I told her that last week and she was upset over it. She got over it but it still bothered me. We plan on just getting some food to cook at her place this weekend and hanging out. Which is something we have always done.

 

6. I have posted this in another thread but there have been communication issues between us. She's very sensitive in many ways and I do my best to accommodate her and be understanding when something upsets her.

 

I am wondering if this is just the stress of the LDR causing issues or if it's going to be an on-going problem. She is talking about moving up to my area this summer and I have acknowledged that it's a big move for her and I love her for it. But, I would be lying if I said that these problems that keep coming up aren't indicative of more serious issues. We've tried to talk about these issues but she gets weird and, for lack of a better term, immature.. I don't want her moving up to my area just to find out that these issues aren't just due to the LDR.

[Els]

Is there a reason she cannot travel to you sometimes? Seeing each other once every couple of months (despite living only 4.5 hrs drive apart) sounds rather infrequent and could indeed be the cause of your problems especially if that visit only lasts a few days and has to be split between her and your family/friends. A possible remedy would be for her to travel to you half the time, then you could see each other once a month instead, with half of those visits being family-free.

[OatsAndHall]

Is there a reason she cannot travel to you sometimes? Seeing each other once every couple of months (despite living only 4.5 hrs drive apart) sounds rather infrequent and could indeed be the cause of your problems especially if that visit only lasts a few days and has to be split between her and your family/friends. A possible remedy would be for her to travel to you half the time, then you could see each other once a month instead, with half of those visits being family-free.

 

We're trying to set up weekends where she can come and visit me. Right now, she is working full time and going to school so it's difficult for her to get away. I also coach multiple sports throughout the year (something we've discussed..) so my time is occupied with that. I guess I am just unsure as to whether or not these are issues caused by the LDR or if they're indicative of a bigger problem.

 

I would hate for her to move all the way up there just to run into these problems and it end us.

[Els]

We're trying to set up weekends where she can come and visit me. Right now, she is working full time and going to school so it's difficult for her to get away. I also coach multiple sports throughout the year (something we've discussed..) so my time is occupied with that. I guess I am just unsure as to whether or not these are issues caused by the LDR or if they're indicative of a bigger problem.

 

I would hate for her to move all the way up there just to run into these problems and it end us.

 

That is just one of those things that you have to take a leap of faith for, IMO. No point in what ifs. I mean, if you strongly feel the relationship will not work then by all means end it, but don't drag out the LDR indefinitely by wanting certainty that will never come. The only way to know if you'd be compatible living in the same place is to try it. Of course she should complete her degree first, but after that, if she still wants to move to you, I think the best thing you can do would be to support and help her with her move as far as possible.

[justwhoiam]

1. You are right. Do something special now and then to make up for the time apart. She clearly misses you. Once you send her a special e-card, another time you send her a recorded video of yourself. Be creative.

 

2. Would you go back to your town just as frequently if you didn't have a girlfriend there? If the answer is yes, then don't associate the PITA with her. If the answer is no, then stop making time for your family, as mentioned at point #4. Eventually, your family might complain, not your gf.

 

3. I bet she was upset. You didn't arrange your time better. You could have gone to breakfast with her and while being with her, asking your friend to come over to have a look at the car, or you could have taken the car to his garage together with your girlfriend. But most importantly, she was left with no choice, as you already decided it was NO. It would have been enough to involve her in that, like: I'd love to have breakfast with you, I just can't figure out how to, as my friend is only available at X time. You could have come up with alternative ideas, like getting up earlier, etc. You simply didn't. Maybe because you didn't feel like getting up earlier.

 

4. You need to be more flexible. The "I have always spent Saturday mornings with my family" is too rigid. If you really want to be with them, you can do so in the evening when she goes to work, or before going out at night with her or your friends. When you're with someone, you can't demand your life just remains the same. Things change, evolve.

 

5. Couldn't you ask your parents a little money to take her out if you hadn't any? Maybe it was a belated Valentines for her and she was really looking forward to it. If sushi was going to be too expensive, you could have taken her out to a lower profile restaurant. It was about the idea behind it, the gesture. The chance of dining out with you. You took it away from her. Lame. She was great at just adapting to your last-minute 'let's stay at home' arrangement.

 

6. That's what a boyfriend does.

 

I am wondering if this is just the stress of the LDR causing issues or if it's going to be an on-going problem

Being long distance is increasing any friction. And you making bad decisions or not making your girlfriend a priority is just making it worse. That might stay with you in the future. It's up to you. If you want freedom and independence, get into an open relationship (where you have to accept the consequences though), or be single.

 

she gets weird and, for lack of a better term, immature..

She shouldn't be fighting to have what should be there to begin with. If you gave it to her, everything could be great. You should try it. If you still care about her. Or it's just going to end badly. Through your actions she sees how much you value her and how much she means to you. Always keep that in mind. If you break up with her and get into a new relationship, chances are you'll face the very same problems.

 

I don't want her moving up to my area just to find out that these issues aren't just due to the LDR.

You really need to ask yourself what you want and be honest with her. But to me, it's more about you than about her. The sooner you understand what women need, the better.

[OatsAndHall]

1. You are right. Do something special now and then to make up for the time apart. She clearly misses you. Once you send her a special e-card, another time you send her a recorded video of yourself. Be creative.

 

2. Would you go back to your town just as frequently if you didn't have a girlfriend there? If the answer is yes, then don't associate the PITA with her. If the answer is no, then stop making time for your family, as mentioned at point #4. Eventually, your family might complain, not your gf.

 

3. I bet she was upset. You didn't arrange your time better. You could have gone to breakfast with her and while being with her, asking your friend to come over to have a look at the car, or you could have taken the car to his garage together with your girlfriend. But most importantly, she was left with no choice, as you already decided it was NO. It would have been enough to involve her in that, like: I'd love to have breakfast with you, I just can't figure out how to, as my friend is only available at X time. You could have come up with alternative ideas, like getting up earlier, etc. You simply didn't. Maybe because you didn't feel like getting up earlier.

 

4. You need to be more flexible. The "I have always spent Saturday mornings with my family" is too rigid. If you really want to be with them, you can do so in the evening when she goes to work, or before going out at night with her or your friends. When you're with someone, you can't demand your life just remains the same. Things change, evolve.

 

5. Couldn't you ask your parents a little money to take her out if you hadn't any? Maybe it was a belated Valentines for her and she was really looking forward to it. If sushi was going to be too expensive, you could have taken her out to a lower profile restaurant. It was about the idea behind it, the gesture. The chance of dining out with you. You took it away from her. Lame. She was great at just adapting to your last-minute 'let's stay at home' arrangement.

 

6. That's what a boyfriend does.

 

Being long distance is increasing any friction. And you making bad decisions or not making your girlfriend a priority is just making it worse. That might stay with you in the future. It's up to you. If you want freedom and independence, get into an open relationship (where you have to accept the consequences though), or be single.

 

She shouldn't be fighting to have what should be there to begin with. If you gave it to her, everything could be great. You should try it. If you still care about her. Or it's just going to end badly. Through your actions she sees how much you value her and how much she means to you. Always keep that in mind. If you break up with her and get into a new relationship, chances are you'll face the very same problems.

 

You really need to ask yourself what you want and be honest with her. But to me, it's more about you than about her. The sooner you understand what women need, the better.

 

1. I agree that her and I need to make our time more meaningful and we've been working at that. I am back in town this weekend and we're spending it together.

 

2. No, I wouldn't be making it in to town as frequently if it weren't for her. But, as I have stated, I spend the vast majority of my time in town with her. I might hang around with family and friends for a grand total of four to five hours over the space of a weekend. The rest of it is with her.

 

3. I couldn't arrange my time any better than I did. My friend opens his shop at 8am, I took it over there as soon as he was there and took care of it. It was a windshield wiper that a) I couldn't fix myself and b) had to be handled ASAP as it was dumping snow out. It broke on the way down and it was dangerous. She got off of work at 8am that morning, had the whole day off and I planned to spend it with her.

 

4. So.. Sitting for several hours in the morning drinking coffee with my mother and brother on a Saturday and then spending the rest of the day with her isn't flexible? How so? I get over to her place by 10-11am and I'm either there until 8-9pm or I stay the night.

 

5. Uh.. No, I'm 35 years old. I'm not going to ask my family or anyone else for money. I wish I had the money to take her out to dinner but I didn't. I didn't completely bail on plans: I came up with alternate solutions where we could still have a nice dinner without spending money I didn't have. Anything other than a dinner at home was going to be too expensive. And, as an FYI the "lame" dinner at home was something that her and I both enjoy very much. In fact, it is one of the more meaningful things that we do we together: we enjoy cooking for one another.

 

I care about her deeply, I honestly do. I came back into town this weekend to be with her. Maybe I wasn't clear enough in my earlier posts about the amount of time I spend with her when I do come to town. But, I am most certainly not ignoring her while I am here. Taking care of a vehicular issue when you have to drive a total of 700 miles to come see someone is not negating their feelings. And, spending some time with my family and friends while I am in town isn't doing so either, especially given that my gf is the priority when I can make it to town. This isn't like I am ditching her at home to go drinking with my buddies: this is little time with my family on one morning, seeing my friend at his auto shop for an hour or two (MAYBE) and then being with her the rest of it.

 

So, I suppose to summarize things, how exactly to I go about "understanding women better" when I come to town to see her and spend the majority of my time WITH her? Asking my family for $60 for sushi or taking her out to Denny's (basically what I can afford) versus buying the groceries so I can cook her a meal would help me to decipher the female psyche better? What kind of enigma am I supposed to unravel when I needed an hour in the morning to fix my vehicle and she canned the entire day together because she was upset?

 

Please, enlighten me with your wisdom.

[RecentChange]

It doesn't sound like you have enough time in your life to make a girlfriend a priority.

 

My husband and I were in a LDR for a bit early in our relationship. 500 miles apart, we saw each other on average 3 times a month.

 

We were (are!) Madly in love, and willing to move mountains to spend time together.

 

It's obvious you have other priorities that come before spending time with her.

 

I think if you were more smitten you might rearrange things, but for now it sounds like this relationship is a burden.

[OatsAndHall]

It doesn't sound like you have enough time in your life to make a girlfriend a priority.

 

My husband and I were in a LDR for a bit early in our relationship. 500 miles apart, we saw each other on average 3 times a month.

 

We were (are!) Madly in love, and willing to move mountains to spend time together.

 

It's obvious you have other priorities that come before spending time with her.

 

I think if you were more smitten you might rearrange things, but for now it sounds like this relationship is a burden.

 

Okay.. Let's breaks down a typical weekend here in town:

 

Friday (I have a four day school week): I get up and go have breakfast with her when she gets off of work. We spend time together all day until she starts crashing at around 6-7pm from working nights all week. I come back to my mother's house and spend time with my family or hang out with friends. I don't sleep at her place on Friday nights as she needs the rest and I end up waking her up. So..that's ten hours out of the day.

 

Saturday: I drink coffee with my mother and brother until 10am-11am and then go over to her place, spend the day and evening at her place. So.. twelve hours out of the day.

 

Sunday: I get up, have breakfast with her, spend the morning with her and then hit the road when she's getting read to go to bed because she has to work that night.. That's usually around noon. So.. That is another six hours out of the day.

 

I don't make it to town more often because I'm trying to finish my Masters degree and I can only get so much of it done during the work week.

[Timshel]

an LDR a shot. The stress of it resulted in a break up last fall but we got back together a few months ago.

 

1. On the weekends, she wants to text back and forth constantly. She has gotten upset several times because I am stop texting when I need to get stuff done.

 

2. I make it back into town once every couple of months.

 

3.I try to be fair with my time: my family and friends are here so I hang out with them but spend the majority of my time with her. However, this is becoming an issue.

 

4. Throughout our relationship, I have always spent Saturday mornings with my mom and brother

 

5. We had talked about going on a sushi date this weekend but I got hit with some big bills this month

We plan on just getting some food to cook at her place this weekend and hanging out. Which is something we have always done.

 

6. She's very sensitive in many ways and I do my best to accommodate her and be understanding when something upsets her.

 

I will echo RC and say that this is not an ideal time for a long distance, or any serious, relationship for you. Particularly with this lady who you are having a second go with and yet she is wanting for more, though much has been explained.

 

The texting for hours instead of a phone call would do me in but the rest seems to be about your own time/financial constraints.

 

Moving to you seems too accommodating given current issues in the relationship. She may have expectations that are not consistent with the current reality of intimacy and be sorely disappointed.

 

Probably best to have her stay where she is and either see her more frequently or put the relationship on ice for her sake.

[Popsicle]

You don't sound like you want a relationship or can do a relationship. If you want something where you can be lazy then just see an escort.

[Els]

A few things:

 

1. If you did not coach multiple sports, would she be able/willing to do some of the traveling? If she was, would you reconsider your coaching? I know you mentioned this in your post to me, but it still isn't clear.

 

2. I think cooking for her for a special occasion is fine if you don't have money, but some extra effort should be put in. E.g. decoration, or cooking a time-consuming meal that you wouldn't otherwise do, candles and flowers, etc - something that makes it special. It's confusing because in your later posts you seem to state that you would be making a special meal for her, but in your opening post you said:

 

We plan on just getting some food to cook at her place this weekend and hanging out. Which is something we have always done.

 

FTR, I agree that you should NOT ask your parents for money to take your girl out, at 35! What a turnoff that would be if she found out.

 

3. That being said, LDRs are hard. If you are financially strapped and time-constrained, they get significantly harder. I won't say that you're not putting in any effort for her given that you're the only one traveling, but it IS possible that it's true that you can't do a relationship at this point in your life, especially a LDR. Contrary to popular belief, LDRs are generally more resource- and time-intensive than regular Rs. Genuine and successful LDRs are, anyway.

[BaileyB]

Agreed. Long distance relationships take time, money, and commitment to be successful. You may need to ask yourself if this is the right time in your life or the right woman for you.

[Brittybritt92]

My boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for the entirety of our relationship. He lived 4 hours away... we saw each other every weekend. We BOTH made the drive to each other, took the time.. and spent the money to be together. I say past tense because I had to stay back while he moved to WI. Father died and it's been really challenging, but we make it work. Now it will be a four hour flight instead for a short time..!

 

you can always find reasons to be inconvenienced, but be careful about that. When you rly want a relationship, a 4hour drive is nothing. He and I both work full time, and he would even have to work from home on weekends. We just loved being in each other's presence. of course you have things going on, but be careful that you're not making them excuses. You sound irritated by people's responses and everyone is just trying to point out what's between the lines in your thread...

[OatsAndHall]

My boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for the entirety of our relationship. He lived 4 hours away... we saw each other every weekend. We BOTH made the drive to each other, took the time.. and spent the money to be together. I say past tense because I had to stay back while he moved to WI. Father died and it's been really challenging, but we make it work. Now it will be a four hour flight instead for a short time..!

 

you can always find reasons to be inconvenienced, but be careful about that. When you rly want a relationship, a 4hour drive is nothing. He and I both work full time, and he would even have to work from home on weekends. We just loved being in each other's presence. of course you have things going on, but be careful that you're not making them excuses. You sound irritated by people's responses and everyone is just trying to point out what's between the lines in your thread...

 

To be honest, I was irritated when I first posted this thread, after reading it (and subsequent posts) I realize that I came across as pretty harsh. I apologize for that. I was frustrated with what was going on when I was visiting her and basically started ranting.

 

I have waxed and waned with respect to my feelings on this relationship. Communication has always been an issue between the two of us (even before I moved) and these issues have been magnified with the LDR. However, I don't feel these issues haven't kept me from spending as much time as I can with her at this current time. Life has been hectic over the last few months. I have tried to work around my masters degree to see her more often but I have fallen behind in my work by doing so.

 

There have been further problems with our communication over the last couple of weekends. I won't get into the nitty-gritty of it as it will turn into finger pointing and they are the same problems I have posted earlier in this thread and in the first one I wrote about our relationship. I'm certainly not blameless in the situation but I am working on it. However, these communication issues have continually pointed to a lack of compatibility over the last year and I think I have been ignoring them.

 

At this point, I am going to address these issues and have a hard conversation about where this relationship is going. I have always told her that I would tell her if I had my doubts about either of us moving to be closer to one another and I am having those doubts right now.

[Chris516]

That is weekends, not weekdays. Both of you need to agree on time limitations as to communication. But not make it so hard that you can't communicate. I hate texting, too.

 

She doesn't seem like a priority to you.

 

On the one hand, you could have spent time together. While your friend worked on the car. Then he could have called you with the 'automotive diagnosis'. Also, Carrying your phone doesn't mean you have to answer every call or text. When I am in traffic on my (road)racing bike, I don't answer any calls until I reach my destination.

 

She asked just to go to breakfast, not a concert or dinner and a movie. How would that have kept you from spending the rest of the day with your mom n' brother. Like I said. She doesn't seem like a priority to you.

 

$100 dollars on what

[Gr8fuln2020]

To be honest, I was irritated when I first posted this thread, after reading it (and subsequent posts) I realize that I came across as pretty harsh. I apologize for that. I was frustrated with what was going on when I was visiting her and basically started ranting.

 

I have waxed and waned with respect to my feelings on this relationship. Communication has always been an issue between the two of us (even before I moved) and these issues have been magnified with the LDR. However, I don't feel these issues haven't kept me from spending as much time as I can with her at this current time. Life has been hectic over the last few months. I have tried to work around my masters degree to see her more often but I have fallen behind in my work by doing so.

 

There have been further problems with our communication over the last couple of weekends. I won't get into the nitty-gritty of it as it will turn into finger pointing and they are the same problems I have posted earlier in this thread and in the first one I wrote about our relationship. I'm certainly not blameless in the situation but I am working on it. However, these communication issues have continually pointed to a lack of compatibility over the last year and I think I have been ignoring them.

 

At this point, I am going to address these issues and have a hard conversation about where this relationship is going. I have always told her that I would tell her if I had my doubts about either of us moving to be closer to one another and I am having those doubts right now.

 

LDR certainly exacerbate and magnify frustrations. You don't sound like you have the time to fully commit to what it takes for a LDR to work. And perhaps neither does she (the time).

 

These communication issues, do you think you'd have them if you were minutes away from one another?

[OatsAndHall]

That is weekends, not weekdays. Both of you need to agree on time limitations as to communication. But not make it so hard that you can't communicate. I hate texting, too.

 

She doesn't seem like a priority to you.

 

On the one hand, you could have spent time together. While your friend worked on the car. Then he could have called you with the 'automotive diagnosis'. Also, Carrying your phone doesn't mean you have to answer every call or text. When I am in traffic on my (road)racing bike, I don't answer any calls until I reach my destination.

 

She asked just to go to breakfast, not a concert or dinner and a movie. How would that have kept you from spending the rest of the day with your mom n' brother. Like I said. She doesn't seem like a priority to you.

 

$100 dollars on what

 

That was the problem that set off this whole thread. We could have spent the rest of the day together: she called the entire day off because she was angry about the pushing things back an hour in the morning so I could take care of the car. I tried to talk to her about it but it just turned into a fight.

 

We didn't talk that day and she texted me the next morning at around 9am and wanted to spend time together. I told her that I'd be over after finishing eating breakfast with my family (about an hour and a half) and that p-ssed her off too and she proceeded to call off that day together as well. Once again, I told her that I missed her and that I wanted to spend the day with her but it didn't do much good.

 

I generally spend around $100 dollars in gas to travel as much truck doesn't get very good gas mileage.

 

The texting remains a problem as she is still rarely willing to talk on the phone. This turned into an issue again this weekend as I texted her throughout the morning but then let her go when it came time to work on my masters. She becomes upset when I cut off texting as I can't focus on writing a twenty page+ long paper while checking my phone. Now, I don't cut her off all day long: I text or message with her once I am done.

 

I told her that I thought we could have a more meaningful conversation if we chatted over the phone on the days when I have work to do, instead of texting. She relies on texting as her only form of communication, she has her phone on her all day long and will text continually. I don't ignore these texts and will talk to her throughout the day but I put my phone away when I have something going on.

 

Unfortunately, right now there are more serious issues within our relationship that what I have described above.

[OatsAndHall]

LDR certainly exacerbate and magnify frustrations. You don't sound like you have the time to fully commit to what it takes for a LDR to work. And perhaps neither does she (the time).

 

These communication issues, do you think you'd have them if you were minutes away from one another?

 

Yes, we had some communication issues before I left and they seem to have been compounded by the LDR.

 

Here's a recent example.. My former stepson's birthday was last weekend but I don't get to see him or his brothers anymore. It's a long story that I don't want to get into, just trust that it wasn't my decision nor did I do anything wrong that would necessitate my ex-wife cutting me off from them.

 

I am seeing a counselor to work my way through it but I was pretty depressed about it. I had been talking with my girlfriend via text last Saturday morning, she knew something was wrong, and asked me about it. She knows that I don't get to see them, that it bothers me but that's the extent of it. I kind of fell apart and told her how badly it was bothering me and she said that she couldn't discuss that topic with me as it reminded her of my ex and she just stopped talking to me.

 

Now, I didn't mention my ex-wife in this conversation and have only brought up my ex-wife one time. She asked about the divorce when we first met, I spared her the gory details and just gave her a brief overview; it has never been a topic of discussion for us.

 

I was shocked at her response this last weekend but I didn't get angry with her about it. I just let it be as I didn't feel like dealing with it as I was already having a bad day. She texted later and apologized. She has stated several times that she could see us having kids together (which I have considered) and she is under the impression that having kids of my own will erase the pain of not being able to see my stepsons. If I choose to have children of my own, I am sure that it will help ease that pain but I will always miss those boys. This is something that she doesn't understand and I guess I don't really expect her to as she hasn't gone through something like this. But, I am frustrated that I can't discuss something this heavy with her without her getting upset over it. I know that time and talking to a counselor will help with everything and I have been doing better with the situation. But, there are certain dates and geographic areas that are triggers. This is as topic that I can't discuss with my family as they are just as hurt as I am over losing the boys from their lives.

 

However, this is a continuing theme in our relationship. I have discussed this in the other thread I posted about our relationship. She is a good woman but she is very sensitive and there have been two other situations where I have vented to her about minor things going on and she has cut off contact because "it drags her mood down".

 

I will add that I rarely vent to her about anything. I fall back on my family when I need to talk about things that are frustrating me. But, now I feel as if I can't talk to her about issues as these are the responses that I am getting. She has stated otherwise but it just keeps happening.

 

So, again, it's time to have a conversation with her about things.

[Chris516]

But I was saying about, having breakfast together. Then, Both of you going to the mechanic. So, You both would be doing what each other wanted/needed. Doing it together.

 

Do you see, how she is making requests to spend time together, yet you are blowing her off.

 

What is the MPG on the truck?

 

1. Has you asked why, she is preferable to texting?

 

2. Have you told her about needing to work on your Masters degree each time?

 

When you have work to do? Are you referring to your Masters?

 

I agree with her about keeping your phone with you. But I don't agree with her texting you all day. Does she do the texting while she is at work?

 

Like what issues?

[justwhoiam]

I won't even go back to the old problems you wrote about, as I already expressed my point of view. And I stand my ground.

 

My former stepson

You have stepsons, which makes me think you didn't adopt these children. Or did you? Because in that case, they'd just be your sons.

 

Have you talked about these stepsons with your counselor? It's a delicate matter. If they have a father, your attachment to them might be greater than their attachment to you. If you need them more than they need you, it's going to be a problem.

 

I kind of fell apart and told her how badly it was bothering me and she said that she couldn't discuss that topic with me as it reminded her of my ex and she just stopped talking to me.

This needs to be discussed. Maybe you should take her to your counselor to understand what's bothering her and how to have a healthy relationship with a man who was previously married to another woman.

 

She asked about the divorce when we first met, I spared her the gory details and just gave her a brief overview; it has never been a topic of discussion for us.

She needs to understand that you have another family. She must process that. A family with which you now are barely in touch if ever, but it could resume one day, and she needs to allow it. Your ex-wife could die tomorrow, and then what. You need to talk about these scenarios. But most of all, as I said, she needs to understand you have another family. It might matter or not, but it's there.

 

She has stated several times that she could see us having kids together (which I have considered) and she is under the impression that having kids of my own will erase the pain of not being able to see my stepsons. If I choose to have children of my own, I am sure that it will help ease that pain but I will always miss those boys.

Yes. I don't know how many years you spent with them, and what age they were at the time. But you have a point. They are family to you and will continue to be family to you, even if you'll have your own children in the future.

 

I am frustrated that I can't discuss something this heavy with her without her getting upset over it. I know that time and talking to a counselor will help with everything and I have been doing better with the situation. But, there are certain dates and geographic areas that are triggers. This is as topic that I can't discuss with my family as they are just as hurt as I am over losing the boys from their lives.

You shouldn't have a partner who won't accept your previous family. Because you never know on what terms you'll be with them in 5 or 10 years. And you need to be open to the options. Before starting a relationship, I'd screen women over that if I were you. After all, if they had been your own children, you would have never agreed to be with a woman who can't accept them, right?

 

I fall back on my family when I need to talk about things that are frustrating me. But, now I feel as if I can't talk to her about issues as these are the responses that I am getting.

This is not a good foundation for a relationship.

[Chris516]

OP, A sort of addendum to my previous post.

 

Both my (ex)wife n' I are former employees' of the U.S. Government. She was a contract employee with the U.S. Dept. of Commerce. I was a full-time employee with the U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services.

 

She would call me relentlessly at work. It was embarrassing. Because we would argue about personal stuff sometimes, or discuss things about the kids.

 

My point is, if she keeps texting you throughout the day. Don't answer the text immediately.

[OatsAndHall]

Update...

 

Well, things got worse last weekend. I went back to see her and we made a ton of plans for the weekend. I even took a day off of work so we could get more time together.

 

We went out to breakfast last Friday morning and she asked me, point-blank, if I still had feelings for my ex-wife. I told her that I absolutely did not have feelings for her and that I didn't understand where this was all coming from. She brought up the conversation we had about the boys and stated that she felt that my attachment to the boys had something to do with my ex-wife. I calmly tried to explain to her that the two are completely separate issues and that she has nothing to worry about. She kept pushing the issue and there wasn't anything I could say that would dissuade her. So, I told her that I loved her and to just drop the subject so that we could enjoy our weekend together. This made her angry and she called off the day when we got back to her place. I was livid but I wasn't going to have a fight over it so I left.

 

I sent her a text a few hours later and she responded to me that night at 11pm to apologize. She stated that she was struggling with my attachment to the boys and it makes her insecure. I didn't get the message to the next morning and I thanked her for the apology and told her that I loved her. She asked me if I was angry with her and I was honest. I told her that I wasn't angry with her, that I understood why she she was upset the day before but that I was upset that we lost a day together. She became angry and texted, "great, I'm a bad girlfriend that ruined our weekend? thanks." I took a couple of breaths and tried to put out this fire but she started pushing the same sh-t from the day before, justifying her actions. I finally asked her if we were going to keep arguing or if we could drop it and enjoy some time together. AND, she called off that day too.

 

I texted her a few hours later in an attempt to figure things out and didn't get a response. She finally called me about eight hours later, apologizing (once again) for everything but this time, she stated that she felt like the "rebound".. I told her this wasn't the case, at all, and then went through the same spiel I had been going through about my ex-wife for the last couple of conversations.

 

I got angry and stated, "Look, I have been going round and round with you about this for two days. You can either believe that I have no feelings for the woman that I haven't had any contact with in eighteen months or you can keep on with this paranoid delusion that I'm somehow less loyal to you because I love ___, ____, and ____ (my stepsons) even though I haven't contact with them in in eighteen f---ing months either!" So, the rest of the weekend was shot.

 

We didn't talk for two days after that and it's been a long week She apologized for a third time and then tried to go on like nothing has happened. I told her that I was still upset over the whole circus on Wednesday and her response was "I apologize, I know it was wrong, we need to drop it..".

 

Needless to say, we're on thin ice.

Edited March 31, 2017 by OatsAndHall

[Chris516]

Update...

 

Well, things got worse last weekend. I went back to see her and we made a ton of plans for the weekend. I even took a day off of work so we could get more time together.

 

We went out to breakfast last Friday morning and she asked me, point-blank, if I still had feelings for my ex-wife. I told her that I absolutely did not have feelings for her and that I didn't understand where this was all coming from. She brought up the conversation we had about the boys and stated that she felt that my attachment to the boys had something to do with my ex-wife. I calmly tried to explain to her that the two are completely separate issues and that she has nothing to worry about. She kept pushing the issue and there wasn't anything I could say that would dissuade her. So, I told her that I loved her and to just drop the subject so that we could enjoy our weekend together. This made her angry and she called off the day when we got back to her place. I was livid but I wasn't going to have a fight over it so I left.

 

I sent her a text a few hours later and she responded to me that night at 11pm to apologize. She stated that she was struggling with my attachment to the boys and it makes her insecure. I didn't get the message to the next morning and I thanked her for the apology and told her that I loved her. She asked me if I was angry with her and I was honest. I told her that I wasn't angry with her, that I understood why she she was upset the day before but that I was upset that we lost a day together. She became angry and texted, "great, I'm a bad girlfriend that ruined our weekend? thanks." I took a couple of breaths and tried to put out this fire but she started pushing the same sh-t from the day before, justifying her actions. I finally asked her if we were going to keep arguing or if we could drop it and enjoy some time together. AND, she called off that day too.

 

I texted her a few hours later in an attempt to figure things out and didn't get a response. She finally called me about eight hours later, apologizing (once again) for everything but this time, she stated that she felt like the "rebound".. I told her this wasn't the case, at all, and then went through the same spiel I had been going through about my ex-wife for the last couple of conversations.

 

I got angry and stated, "Look, I have been going round and round with you about this for two days. You can either believe that I have no feelings for the woman that I haven't had any contact with in eighteen months or you can keep on with this paranoid delusion that I'm somehow less loyal to you because I love ___, ____, and ____ (my stepsons) even though I haven't contact with them in in eighteen f---ing months either!" So, the rest of the weekend was shot.

 

We didn't talk for two days after that and it's been a long week She apologized for a third time and then tried to go on like nothing has happened. I told her that I was still upset over the whole circus on Wednesday and her response was "I apologize, I know it was wrong, we need to drop it..".

 

Needless to say, we're on thin ice.

She thinks you have an attachment to your step-sons?

 

That is dumb. Just because you are not the boys' biological father, it isn't an 'attachment'. It is 'parental feelings'. She is selfish. She is trying to make you make a choice between her, and the boys.

[OatsAndHall]

She thinks you have an attachment to your step-sons?

 

That is dumb. Just because you are not the boys' biological father, it isn't an 'attachment'. It is 'parental feelings'. She is selfish. She is trying to make you make a choice between her, and the boys.

 

Well, it ended last night. I'm a little depressed about it but I think it's for the best given everything that has been going on over the last few weeks. The ups and the downs in our relationship were all compacted into one conversation: she started off by saying that she couldn't wait to move up to be with me (which I have acknowledged and thanked her for repeatedly) and ended with her saying that I view her as a convenience and she didn't want to move so it needed to end. And the apparent trigger that changed the course of that conversation was her stating that I don't let her pick the movies we watch enough.

 

So, I'm tired from bickering with her late last night. It may be a long day at work.

[TooRational]

A little late to the party but I read the whole thing so I simply wanna say sorry about how it turned out. You obviously cared enough about this relationship to try to salvage it by posting here so I'm sorry it didn't work out.

 

I recognize myself somewhat in your girlfriend though. It looks like she has an anxious attachment style and she was resorting to "protest behaviors" when her needs weren't met. This is obviously not healthy and she'll need to work on herself if she wants healthy relationships in the future, long distance or not.