Really Bad Situation

[d0nnivain]

Lawyers get paid by the hour. The longer & harder you fight, the more money the lawyer makes.

 

 

Divorce is not a 50/50 proposition where you get half & she gets half. The reality is you get 1/3, she gets 1/3 and the 2 lawyers split the other 1/3 of your stuff.

 

 

Don't roll over & play dead. Do seek an equitable distribution but understand what a long, drawn out legal battle will cost you financially as well as emotionally.

[preraph]

Tell him you simply want a fair and equitable division. Like Donninvain said, this is how lawyers make their money. It will cost both of you more in the end to not find a compromise you can both live with as quickly as possible.

[BluesPower]

Guys if you have not read his thread, please read it.

 

OP, your wife has cheated on you multiple times with multiple men for multiple years. She has treated you as less than a dog.

 

You deserve as much money as you can get, if you do not, YES you will regret it for the rest of your life.

 

Do you not deserve some type of compensation for the hell that she has put you through?

 

Yes you do...

[grays]

When i got divorced i didnt try to get anything, just took what was offered which was probably the bottom or a little below what I had coming to me. I just wanted to get away from my ex and to not have to put any more energy i to the breaking up. I regret it, mostly bc now matter how easy going i am w everything, my ex always acts like im a gold digger and taking advantage and does everything he can to make my life hard. I couldve gotten another 50k upfront if id been willing to fight, plus i agreed to a 1k/mo step down in alimony one year after the divorce date which was completely f'd up, so that will prob cost me something like 100k over 4 or so years (or whenever my inco.e caught up to the step down. I totally regret it. smh

[harrybrown]

Listen to your lawyer.

 

She has no respect for you.

 

She has treated you worse than trash.

 

Do as your lawyer says.

[d0nnivain]

Guys if you have not read his thread, please read it.

 

OP, your wife has cheated on you multiple times with multiple men for multiple years. She has treated you as less than a dog.

 

You deserve as much money as you can get, if you do not, YES you will regret it for the rest of your life.

 

Do you not deserve some type of compensation for the hell that she has put you through?

 

Yes you do...

 

 

Sadly, none of that is relevant to the outcome in a divorce. It's called No Fault for a reason. It doesn't matter one lick whether the EX was a sinner, a saint or Satan's sibling. All the judge cares about is what is a fair & equitable distribution of the assets based on lifestyle, earning potential & length of the marriage. Infidelity does not weigh into the equation at all. Fighting will only enrich the lawyers. Trying to blame her won't restore your broken heart. Take as much as you can get without running up the bill & remember that living well with her out of your life is the best revenge.

[somanymistakes]

Make sure you're getting a good deal. DON'T let her get away with everything. But DON'T try to take her for "everything", either, because that will increase your stress and suffering just to enrich the lawyers.

 

It's good not to want to be too vindictive and to want to just get on with your life, but if you let her get away with everything, that will ALSO increase your suffering in the long run. You're probably still in a lot of pain and shock from everything that's going on. People hurting too much are sometimes willing to give up a lot of their rights just to make it stop.

 

Can you get a friend to sit in with you on the divorce planning process? Someone who is looking out for your interests but doesn't have a financial stake in the outcome the way a lawyer might?

 

Looking out for YOUR interests means not getting into protracted fights that you can't win just to be mean, but also not rolling over and playing dead.

[Popsicle]

Yes. You are entitled to it.

 

You don't have to use a lawyer.

[d0nnivain]

Yes. You are entitled to it.

 

You don't have to use a lawyer.

 

 

Anyone who represents themselves has a fool for a client.

 

 

While anyone is allowed to represent themselves, law is complex & technical. Being penny wise & pound foolish tends to make the process worse. You are too emotional to do this yourself.

 

 

Get a lawyer.

[ChatroomHero]

Unfortunately I have noticed with multiple friends going through bad situations like this, they wanted to be the nice guy, they wanted to make it easy, they didn't want revenge or blood...they all got generally screwed.

 

 

Regardless of the situation, if she has an aggressive lawyer, despite everything in your favor you might find yourself paying her. You might find yourself in court every other week contesting little things here and there as she tries to stick it to you. You might find they totally reject anything reasonable and fight hard to destroy you. This week she says she doesn't want the house, next week she gets an order to make you move out...

 

 

Look at it like this, you can be aggressive to get a favorable judgment and then after be as relaxed and "nice" as you want after that. I think the issue is by not being aggressive you are at a huge disadvantage if they decide to be aggressive. Most of my friends were surprised when they genuinely tried to be as nice and pleasant about the process as possible upfront and got legally beaten down.

 

 

You might be surprised when you try to be nice and not vindictive and ask for a reasonable settlement and terms only to find your ex is aggressively fighting for her entire 401K, 1/2 the equity in the house, decides you should move out and still be responsible for the mortgage and wants alimony and 1/2 of your 401K, the car you drive...and as unbelievable as it seems, when you get in court months from now, you'll leave court one day and be driving home thinking, "How the hell did the judge just give her alimony for 15 years, my dog, her entire 401K and half of my 401K?".

 

 

The majority of my friends that thought like you are 10-15 years later living without much money, no savings, a crappy car, chasing bills etc, destroyed credit from having to pay 1/2 of the debts that their ex stopped paying or never started paying on... It's not about being vindictive, it's about protecting yourself legally. They got screwed because the court does not recognize or care how "good of a person" you are or how awful the other person is.

 

When it is all said and done and you are entitled to say, 1/2 of her 401K, when you get the checks there is nothing stopping you from cashing them and giving them to her if you want to be a nice guy.

[Els]

Sounds to me like the lawyer is trying to take you for everything he can.

[Redhead14]

It's really important for your future well-being in terms of peace of mind and being able to move forward from the divorce to simply handle this with dignity, fairness and equitability. Leaving a marriage with acrimony and revenge is a difficult thing to rise above. It affects future relationships as well.

 

Sit down with your soon to be ex and calmly and reasonably talk about the assets and try to work out a plan before you go to the lawyers and then tweak it as necessary.

 

Resentment, revenge, etc. are stains on the heart and are there for a long, long time. You should want to leave this situation behind you as quickly as possible and not be dragging it around like an albatross for a long time.

 

While a lawyer works for you, the lawyer does not have to suffer the agony and pain that the client does and they don't care how long things stretch out. That's not their problem.

[LostHubby2015]

So I take it that no one sees a good ending to this?

 

Today for instance, she came home to get more clothes and when I did not answer any question that she asked me, she seemed to get shaken,

 

Is it mind games?

Or is it past that?

 

I'm going through a similar situation, not to the extreme of what you're experience, but in the what about the house and financial dilemma.

 

To be honest, from what your describing, imo, there is no light at then end. you are not even in a tunnel. you are simply falling further and further into a bottomless pit from the sounds of it.

 

The comment about showing the text to the police and getting a restraining order for your health, especially with coughing up blood, you need to get out.

 

The domestic abuse councilor i saw with stuff going on with my wife put it in a very plain light. His advice was simply this, "if all the the things she is doing to you, if you had done to her, what do you think their advice to her would be?" As men that's where it's hard for us to see, given by our nature we are stronger. in my case things were physical and i'm much bigger than my wife. So had i done things to her undoubtedly there would have been bruises and what not. But just because she can't hit as hard as i could doesn't change the fact she had still hit me (more than once i might add).

 

So if you were doing this to her and she was the one staying at home, what do you think people would be telling her?

[LostHubby2015]

Hello. In case you are not familiar with my situation, I urge you to check out the thread here:

 

<threads merged by moderation>

 

Welcome back!

 

My lawyer told me on day one that because my soon to be ex wife makes more than me and her 401k flourished during this time, I should go after everything I can.

 

I refused, informing him that I am not out for blood or to make anyone suffer. To his displeasure he drew up the divorce complaint to start the process.

 

Now after speaking to multiple people about this situation they all seem to say the same thing:

 

"You will regret not taking her for everything you can."

 

This is coming from all age groups, both genders, married, divorced and single people.

 

Should I do it? What do you think? My lawyer is telling me because of her desertion and because i am stuck with the house and mortgage, I have such an upper hand that I am severely underplaying the situation.

 

I just don't want anymore fighting and I do not want anyone to suffer any longer.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

The advice I got was "Get everything you can. If you feel guilty about it afterwards you can always give it back."

 

But i'm with you, i'm not out for blood or anything (being mindful i'm the breadwinner anyway), but like the house, my dog and cat, the dog, i'll have him put down before i let my soon to be ex have him. I don't believe it'd be more humane since i dont' believe she would be able to provide acceptable care. The cat was what she wanted, but with her having been gone for 7 of the last 12 months i feel the same way. And i'm gonna fight like hell to keep the cat too.

 

Again, if you feel bad you can always give it back.

[Life lessons]

Typically I wouldn't condone one taking the soon to be ex for everything but in your case, I definitely would.

 

She has treated you horrible!! Not only has she had multiple affairs but she basically abandoned you. She's came in your marital home and slowly started taking items. This woman seems evil!'

 

Good luck to you OP.

[Kaygee]

Why have I noticed in most replies people stating, "she has had multiple affairs"?

 

I have no proof of that, nor have I ever mentioned that she has had one.

 

Am I still being a dumbass and missing something?

[BluesPower]

Yes you are... Sorry.

[Kaygee]

Yes you are... Sorry.

 

Can you please identify where in my story that I am being a naive idiot?

[somanymistakes]

Well, on this forum, the slightest suspicion of anything bad happening gets translated to "they have DEFINITELY screwed in every way imaginable, many times, long before you suspected anything, and it's probably not the first time"....

 

That said, from the way you described things happening it's a fairly good bet she did physically cheat at least once, even if you don't have proof. The weird attitude, the going out alone a lot, refusing to tell you where she was, yelling at you, hanging out with a guy known to be sleazy... Something almost certainly happened at some point.

 

It doesn't really matter, because REGARDLESS of what sex may or may not have taken place, she was abusive towards you and you need to get far away from her.

 

Nothing is gained by people yelling at you about the affairs.

[Kaygee]

Can you please identify where in my story that I am being a naive idiot?

 

I do not mean that in a negative fashion. I really need to know what I am missing!

[Mr. Lucky]

I do not mean that in a negative fashion. I really need to know what I am missing!

 

Kaygee, why would a wife, supposedly committed to you, stay out all night on multiple occasions and then lie/stonewall as to her whereabouts?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Kaygee]

Kaygee, why would a wife, supposedly committed to you, stay out all night on multiple occasions and then lie/stonewall as to her whereabouts?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Because she is independent?

[somanymistakes]

Because she is independent?

 

An independent but loving wife might go out on her own, and might even sometimes stay out all night, but she'd tell you where she was. Usually ahead of time.

 

"I'm going out with my best friends from college and crashing at their place, see you tomorrow!"

 

is quite different from unexpectedly staying out and then getting defensive and angry at you when you ask where she was and telling you it's not your business.

 

That strongly suggests she was up to something.

[Redhead14]

Why have I noticed in most replies people stating, "she has had multiple affairs"?

 

I have no proof of that, nor have I ever mentioned that she has had one.

 

Am I still being a dumbass and missing something?

 

Whether she's had 1 affair or multiple -- if she's cheated, she's cheated PERIOD. And, if she hasn't cheated, you are still rowing the divorce boat no matter what else has or is going on. Focus on that -- what's on your plate right now. And, even if she's cheated, that doesn't mean you should behave in a way that is anything but about YOU and your ability to forward with your life . . . as peacefully as possible.

[d0nnivain]

The house is in your name. Keep it that way. You two have not be married long. Get out with what you brought into the marriage. Split whatever was earned during the short marriage in half & get her out of your life. If you try to "take her for all she's worth" you won't win the money, you will destroy yourself emotionally & the only people who will benefit are the lawyers. The real estate issues in here could get complicated; do not do this without benefit of a lawyer.

 

 

Marriage is about love & emotion. Divorce is about money. It's a business transaction. What will it cost to get out?

 

 

As far as the courts are concerned whether she cheated is irrelevant. Divorce is NO FAULT. It doesn't matter why you are splitting, just that you are. Fault does not factor into the division of assets. It can play a small role in the custody of minor children but you don't have kids so it's a non issue legally.