She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[Jurassic12]

so my wife of 14 years is having an online affair with a guy she met on an online forum. I discovered this by breaking into her email and seeing the emails of them professing their love for one another. Talking about how they love each along with scantily clad photos of my wife. When confronted she told me that I'm crazy and how dare I invade her privacy.

 

She has shown no remorse and no plans on stopping things with the OM. Info about him, around the same age as us divorced and lives in his mommas basement. She's spent hundreds of dollars on gifts for him and lingerie for her to model for him.

 

The loser lives about a five hour drive away from us, I think it's possible she has slept with him so I'm done having sex with her and getting STD tested.. She is gong back and forth on what she wants to do, saying she has not felt this happy in a long time. Asked her if she has slept with him, got an angry no.

 

They talk everyday, mostly about their love for each other and their personal lives. I'm so heartbroken, destroyed actually. She said she thinks we should go to marriage counseling all while she carries on with her online boyfriend. Told me he actually knows how to treat a women. We had a good marriage before this, this came completely out of left field.

 

Is also denying that the affair is the reason we are in this position. She said it's not a real affair because she hasn't slept with him. Their chats are literally high school puppy love and sexting. Makes me want to throw up.

 

All our friends look at us as having a good marriage, so does our family and so did she no matter what she is staying in this ****ed up state. I feel like ****.

Edited February 25, 2017 by Jurassic12

[whichwayisup]

Tell her to pack up her stuff and GO to the OM. Right now she's not your wife. She may look like her but her behavior and actions are not. It'll be hard to do but chances are she'll realize what she's going to give up and stop being so selfish, she'll wake up and end this online fling she's having.

 

She can't do marriage counseling with you and continue her affair with the OM. That's insane! Her choices: End the A, do counseling with you and on her own (she's broken), show you genuine remorse and OWN what's done to you. Or she can go be with the OM and you can file for divorce. She can't have both ways, that's a waste of your time.

 

Sorry you're hurting.

[LoveBug143]

So sorry you're going through this! Counseling and her continuing this just won't work. If she doesn't want to put a stop to the affair, then you should definitely move on. Also, in an effort to hold on to the relationship you might try to convince yourself that an online affair isn't a "real" affair. But it is. Its just as bad as any other type of affair.

[GoldenR]

Brother......believe me,I know what you're going thru and it sucks! You can't believe it's happening to you, that she's the same woman you married.

 

I'm sure when you went to her, like most of us, you were in shock and very sad. WWs see that as a sign of weakness, and so they start with the whole, "I don't know what I want" and "I need time to think about it". She will drag this out and stay in that mode for as long as you allow her to.

 

The only thing waywards respond to is strength and confidence. You need to give her an ultimatum: it's either him or you. And as long as she's staying in contact with him, that you're proceeding with divorce. This will shock her back into reality.

 

I know you're probably thinking that that will drive her away. And it might....usually very temporarily, rarely forever. And if it's forever, then it's not meant to be.

 

I'll follow along....

 

Wish you well, brother.

[GoldenR]

One more thing....if OM really lives with his mother, expose to mom immediately!

[ShatteredLady]

I know that the advise to send her to the OM seems illogical. I thought it was crazy when I first received it. I didn't want a divorce!

 

My H played the same stupid game that she is & it's going to drive you completely & utterly insane. It's cruel & abusive but she can't see that. She can't see anything logical. She's in an adolescent loved-up fog & it MUST STOP!

 

To begin with I didn't take advise. I just stopped posting!

 

In the end I found some of their secret emails & I lost-it. I told him that if they were so 'in-luv' & meant to be "go & be happy. I want a divorce!". The change was immediate! 'He couldn't stand to loose me.' "How did he let it go so far before he woke-up?', 'he was going to kill himself without me!' (Pure panic manipulation)

 

You're her husband & she can't choose between you & some stranger she's been emailing?? That's insane! Crazy! Humiliating! PLEASE don't tolerate it! How on earth are you just going to sit there while she sexts another man?!? It will break you!

 

It's awful that you're going through this. You're in shock. It's agonizing. I'm sorry but you need to do something & your only real choice is throwing her out (at least threatening to but you MUST mean it).

 

Please keep posting. No-one ever teaches us how to survive this. The members here have a lot of knowledge & experience. Use it!

[WilyWill]

If you really want to wake her up, see an attorney on Monday and file for divorce. You can stop the process at any point. Do you have kids? If so, buy a paternity testing kit and let her watch as you swab their cheeks for DNA. Even if you're 100% certain that the kids are yours, it's a valuable exercise for her to understand the consequences of infidelity and the permanent loss of trust.

[somanymistakes]

If you really want to wake her up, see an attorney on Monday and file for divorce. You can stop the process at any point. Do you have kids? If so, buy a paternity testing kit and let her watch as you swab their cheeks for DNA. Even if you're 100% certain that the kids are yours, it's a valuable exercise for her to understand the consequences of infidelity and the permanent loss of trust.

 

Please do not traumatise your children that way just to score points in a marriage.

[Jersey born raised]

Search out the term emotional affairs. Your wife is wrong and before she got involved she would have known it to. It is just minimizing.

 

You need to start the 180 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce. Talk to a lawyer or do a online search of divorce laws in your state.

 

Do you own or rent?

 

Do you have children?

 

Do you have family in the area.

 

Does she? What was/is the relationship between her parents like?

 

Both of your apx age?

[Bryanp]

One question: if the roles were reversed would she be acting like you? She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever.

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

[Simple Logic]

give her a pre-paid fuel card so she can go see him and ask her where she would like her things delivered.

[aileD]

She can't work on the marriage if she's in Contact with him in any way.

 

Tell her this and ask her to leave until she figures herself out

[Marc878]

Collect your evidence and expose to your family and here's/his.

 

Don't make the mistake of helping hide their affair.

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy and the dark.

 

There is no such thing as privacy to cheat in a marriage.

 

Setting back hoping this will just go away will just keep you in limbo

[Friskyone4u]

so my wife of 14 years is having an online affair with a guy she met on an online forum. I discovered this by breaking into her email and seeing the emails of them professing their love for one another. Talking about how they love each along with scantily clad photos of my wife. When confronted she told me that I'm crazy and how dare I invade her privacy.

 

She has shown no remorse and no plans on stopping things with the OM. Info about him, around the same age as us divorced and lives in his mommas basement. She's spent hundreds of dollars on gifts for him and lingerie for her to model for him.

 

The loser lives about a five hour drive away from us, I think it's possible she has slept with him so I'm done having sex with her and getting STD tested.. She is gong back and forth on what she wants to do, saying she has not felt this happy in a long time. Asked her if she has slept with him, got an angry no.

 

They talk everyday, mostly about their love for each other and their personal lives. I'm so heartbroken, destroyed actually. She said she thinks we should go to marriage counseling all while she carries on with her online boyfriend. Told me he actually knows how to treat a women. We had a good marriage before this, this came completely out of left field.

 

Is also denying that the affair is the reason we are in this position. She said it's not a real affair because she hasn't slept with him. Their chats are literally high school puppy love and sexting. Makes me want to throw up.

 

All our friends look at us as having a good marriage, so does our family and so did she no matter what she is staying in this ****ed up state. I feel like ****.

 

If you reread your post you will see why you are in the position you are. The reason she will not stop talking and sexting with this OM is because you have told her through your actions and inaction that she does not have to stop and that you are going to beg and plead for her to stop.

If she has not met him for sex yet, she will. You can count on that.

 

I will guarantee you that if you see an attorney, draw up divorce papers, and make her choose between online man or you, that one of two things will happen.

 

(1) she will stop this crap

(2) she will leave you or let you divorce her.

 

Until you show her that there will be some consequences that might be unpleasant there is absolutely no reason to stop. She is cheating on you and you are playing what is called the "pick me game". That is a losing proposition.

 

Next move is yours

[Jurassic12]

I saved the evidence and she told me if I go through her emails again without asking she is going to divorce me. As much as it hurt I said okay, pack your bags and go be with your OM.

 

She then said, so you want me to leave? You're willing to throw me away just like that? Says the women who's having a high school teenage affair. She is still speaking to this boyfriend of hers.

[Marc878]

My friend your words don't matter much and won't have any effect as you've found.

 

Actions in these circumstances speak.

 

Obviously she wants to cake eat. She will as long as you let her.

 

If you're affraid exposure will push her away don't be shes already gone.

 

She's rubbing this in your face and counting on you doing nothing.

 

You'd better wake up. Or you will just linger where you are now.

 

Plan your exposure well and do it. Without warning!!!! Family, close friends, etc or you'll be dealing with a sexual affair if it isn't already.

 

Those that get strong get through these times better than those who linger in fear and weakness.

 

If it were me I'd file. You can always flow it or stop if circumstances warrant it.

[Marc878]

I would bet he's married. Send the emails to his wife. Again don't make the mistake of helping them hide their affair.

[Marc878]

Attempts at trying to manipulate her won't work. You can't make anyone do anything but you don't have to take this. Move get stuff out of the bedroom take of your wedding band and implement the 180 now do not live in or accept infidelity. As of now you've done nothing. Except talk. Wake up and get moving.

 

The 180 is contained in the link.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[bubbaganoosh]

She then said, so you want me to leave? You're willing to throw me away just like that? Says the women who's having a high school teenage affair. She is still speaking to this boyfriend of hers.

 

Your answer should have been. "Yeah. The sooner the better you gone the better off I'll be and I hope you'll be happy living in his mothers cellar and when you leave.............you leave alone and don't come back."

 

Look friend. She's calling the shots and she's the one having the affair/Whats wrong with that picture? Your the one taking it on the chin and your letting her. Pack her clothes and tell her to get out now.

[Marc878]

If you want to save this you'd better damn well be willing to end it.

 

That's how these things go. If not you'll just be a cuckold living on a sliver of hope she'll just stop.

 

Better wake up

[GoldenR]

I saved the evidence and she told me if I go through her emails again without asking she is going to divorce me. As much as it hurt I said okay, pack your bags and go be with your OM.

 

She then said, so you want me to leave? You're willing to throw me away just like that? Says the women who's having a high school teenage affair. She is still speaking to this boyfriend of hers.

 

 

Then you say, "Yes. I refuse to share my wife with another man, be it physically or emotionally".

 

And SHE'S threatening to divorce YOU?!?! Come on, man.....DO NOT LET HER THINK SHE'S IN CHARGE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

 

Tell her that YOU'RE filing on Monday. And then 180 her. Believe me, please,believe me, you will see results.

[Jersey born raised]

Her response is classic DARVO.

 

Short version of DARVO*

 

DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused and*attacks the accuser's credibility or even if the event occurred. * **term "DARVO" near the end of a 1997 publication about her primary research focus, "betrayal trauma theory."*

 

"By denying, attacking ' *and reversing perpetrators into victims, reality gets even more confusing and unspeakable for the real victim. .... These perpetrator reactions increase the need for betrayal blindness. If the victim does speak out and gets this level of attack, she quickly gets the idea that silence is safer." (Veldhuis & Freyd, 1999. p 274).

 

It didn't happen (an instance) or It rarely happens (a type of event)

It wasn't harmful *Put together they can take the form: "It didn't happen, but if it did, it wasn't that bad" or "It rarely happens, but when it does it isn't harmful." The two claims both serve to deny, but they depend upon different sorts of evidence. They may both be true, but they are sometimes somewhat suspicious when claimed simultaneously (or by the same person at different times), as for instance can occur in response to allegations of rape or child sexual abuse.

 

You should seek out a therapist for yourself. Her behavior is destructive and dead wrong. It has to stop, then work on the issues in the marriage. If she does not stop seek help alone.

 

Three books often mention are "Not Just Friends", "His Needs...Her Needs" and "5 Love Lanuages". 5 Love Lanuages specfificly address how to recognize what type of personality you are and she is to communicate better.

[whichwayisup]

I saved the evidence and she told me if I go through her emails again without asking she is going to divorce me. As much as it hurt I said okay, pack your bags and go be with your OM.

 

Good for you! By saying that you showed her that you're NOT going to put up with this crap she's shoving your way. As hard as it was for you to say, you did the right thing.

 

She then said, so you want me to leave? You're willing to throw me away just like that? Says the women who's having a high school teenage affair. She is still speaking to this boyfriend of hers.

 

And what did you say? Hopefully you said 'yes, because I won't stay married to you as long as you have a boyfriend.'

 

You laid it out for her and obviously she's in denial mode and doesn't want to give up on this online fantasy she has going. She isn't 'in love' with him, she loves how he makes her feel. It's not really "him" as a person. She only knows what he's told her about himself. And, it's too easy to get caught up in the sexy talk and ego feeds, become addicted to that high. The mind fills in the gaps and glorifies him, making him perfect and flawless. And he's NOT all that!!

 

You've done nothing wrong, she's broken and chose to look elsewhere. If she was unhappy or needed more attention she could've opened up and talked to you but instead she did something very selfish and put your marriage at risk.

 

If she won't end it with him (and she won't, she's going to lie and deny, continue on behind your back) then she needs to suffer major consequences. Kicking her out and exposing her affair to HER parents. Tell her that she can either move in with the OM or go stay with her parents.

 

Allowing her to be at home is a mistake. Until she realizes what she's done is wrong and shows tons of remorse and ends with this OM, only then can you begin to forgive her and give her a chance to make it right again, to regain your trust etc.

 

I'd write the guy and tell him who you are and all contact must stop. That he is helped cause a lot of pain in your marriage and tell him to respect your wishes and not contact your wife again. Or ask her to write him with you right there.

 

The rest is up to her but just know there will be a period of time she is going to cave and contact him. This is where it takes a special person with a big heart to be patient and allow some mistakes, 2 steps forward and 1 step back... A betrayed spouse has to suck it up unfortunately and eat some s.hit until the cheating spouse's fog clears up. Because she will cave and have withdrawals.

 

Keep posting. People here can help you, but I suggest you seek counseling on your own so you can stay healthy and not fall apart, lose tons of weight and lose so much sleep over this. If need be, go on anti depressants.

[Jurassic12]

I don't know if she uses this guy for validation or what. She literally was taking photos of herself in lingerie she wanted to model for him, ridiculous. As much as I'm heartbroken to the core I cannot fall apart over this. This is a women who was thoughtful, rational, and I thought cared about our marriage. Yep we have two kids 10 and 12. The whole time, all this texting and laughing on her phone was her sexting and telling her how much she wanted to **** him and how much she loves him. How I don't give her attention, broke into her email once more and found out she has sent him used undergarments of hers.

 

My heart has been destroyed, torched. She wasn't even mean to me before I found out. I am going to file **** this **** and **** her. Please excuse the language..

[goodyblue]

Couple of things. Usually, not always, but usually, when a cheater is confronted with divorce, it they don't want it to end they go into panic mode and shut down the affair, they snap out of it pretty quick. This is not happening with your wife.

 

Also, if they do have an aha moment, they immediately give in to each of their spouse's demands, knowing if they make one wrong move its over. Your wife isn't doing this.

 

In the event that the cheater doesn't know or is on the fence, there will usually be some sort of softening toward the spouse, because they still love the spouse, they just feel torn. I also don't see you reporting this.

 

It seems your wife has drawn a hard line and it's just biding her time for selfish reasons that have nothing to do with the marriage such as where will she live if she leaves? Can she support herself? Where will the kids go? Does she have a strong enough bond with this other person to make it a real relationship or will he walk and she will be truly alone supporting these kids?

 

My opinion is that she is on her way out of the marriage and is doing all she can to make it happen on her terms. So you can make her leave now and it will suck for her and she may stay for the wrong reasons or you can let her decide when it is over and she will leave when she has saved enough money and solidified plans with other dude. I am not a very patient person so I would kick her out. if you do it now, there is a chance that she will snap out of it, as others have stated, realizing she loves you. Frankly that is your only chance to get her to look at herself, get into therapy and save this sinking ship. If not, you need to disengage because it's over.

 

I was the OW and the one thing I know is that when my husband's ex found out about the A, it was over for him already. There was no placating her, he simply left. But he had all the money and his kids were grown so he had no worries. I think the way you are describing your wife is like my h felt. It just feels the same. In am married to my former affair partner, we are happy and things are good. I don't say this to brag, but to let you see where your wife will be in the future if you don't act NOW. She won't be your wife, she will be someone else's.

 

I believe in love, and and growing from our mistakes. She can make this right if she wants to but you will have to steer her. She is too comfortable and you need to take back your power. Love yourself first. Don't take any crap. If you don't, you will end up on the losing end of this equation.

 

Good luck and keep posting.