She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[EZNona]

You can't legally "kick her out",but once she guess to him, that can be considered abandonment, at which point you change the locks and leave her **** outside.

 

Expose to everyone, her family, your family, friends of both of you.

 

Yes, please do this!! And make sure you record your conversation with her when she talks about leaving to go "visit" with the other man.

[Marc878]

I told her I want her out of the house and she needs to leave. She is refusing to leave. With regards to the weekend thing, she meant that she's waiting until this weekend to go see OM. So she can "see where they stand" which means bang him all weekend. She has not flat out said who she wants to be with by her actions are saying this loser. So I can kick her out cause she's refusing to leave, refusing to stop talking to him saying she hasn't been this happy in so long. Tommorrow I am going to inform her patients, hopefully I can gather the strength to file. I really wish she just comes to her senses, so much memories and amazing times we've had together. We had a great family trip to Disney world with our kids, she told me how much she loved me. Now she can't decide between me and some guy she met and wants to meet up this weekend to see if they have a connection.

 

call her parents now. Let them know what's up. Quit living in fear and letting her control you.

 

Has she always controlled and manipulated you like this?

[road]

I am going to mail her parents the emails and photos. I looked at the 180 and it seems like the opposite of what I should be doing but I won't argue. Trying to make it look like I don't care but I'm devastated. We have two kids and I don't even know what to say.

 

I told her if she doesn't care about me she better atleast care about our children. So she wants to meet OM in person to see if there is a connection. All while I'm supposed to wait here. Is she serious? She's already planning it for next weekend. I will file in a few days.

 

Better contact WW's parents now is not already done.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jurassic, the writing is on the wall. Up to you to heed it or not. Live a Happy life not on the horns of a dilemma. Warm wishes.

[Jersey born raised]

CHILL OUT !!!!

 

Emotions are your worse enemy now, you need to be coldly rational. The answer is simple: she must be gone from you life. To make this happen you must detach, as she has. Read this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce.

 

I am going to cut and post the first post because I don't think you are calm enough to review a link. Read the entire thread:

 

 

Moderator's note:

 

Pursuant to a member request, moderation, subject to a decision by our head moderator, has conditionally pinned this topic for member reading and topical posting. As this is an informational thread, not a discussion thread, informational postings, as such already submitted, will be allowed and members are cautioned, when using external links, to make sure they comply with our commercial advertising/external linking guidelines. When citing external content, members are requested to post topical content, not to exceed 250 words, when linking externally to provide attribution.

 

I'll leave the thread open for posting for now. If I find non-compliant content to proliferate, I'll close it and invite members to submit content to moderation for approval. Thanks.

 

 

 

 

 

There continue to be more and more arrivals to our LS section on Divorce and Separation. Often, I find myself technically challenged when it comes to citing links, or just general recall sometimes. As well, I many times repeat my reading advice to posters. As a contributor to this section, I thought it might be useful to us and our newcomers to get all of our reading materials in one place, rather than citing and re-citing.

 

Perhaps others will join me in posting helpful relevant material and cites -- on this new thread I am trying to begin. Can some please post the most current "No Contact" draft that is available so it will come up in the second post of the thread?

 

Theefore, please of our find our most popular reference below:

 

THE 180's:

 

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

 

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

[Jersey born raised]

This is how you begin to reclaim sanity. Don't waste time arguing or trying to figure out how you got here, or if they have meant up before at this time. Now you need to get sane or you will destroy your life and your son’s.

 

Do not put the 180 into practice, be it until your emotions are under control.

[Jersey born raised]

It's a shame you will not see your lawyer to Monday. Do a search on your state divorce laws. Must states have a web page with a lot of info. A lot of lawyers will have a question and answer page with info. Make a list of questions for your lawyer. All the questions, especially custody should start

"I want...., how do I get it". This approach is especially important in regards to custody which effects CS.

[QuietDan]

I told her I want her out of the house and she needs to leave. She is refusing to leave. With regards to the weekend thing, she meant that she's waiting until this weekend to go see OM. So she can "see where they stand" which means bang him all weekend. She has not flat out said who she wants to be with by her actions are saying this loser. So I can kick her out cause she's refusing to leave, refusing to stop talking to him saying she hasn't been this happy in so long. Tommorrow I am going to inform her patients, hopefully I can gather the strength to file. I really wish she just comes to her senses, so much memories and amazing times we've had together. We had a great family trip to Disney world with our kids, she told me how much she loved me. Now she can't decide between me and some guy she met and wants to meet up this weekend to see if they have a connection.

 

It sounds like effectively she wants to string you along as a back up plan.

Her new prince charming is her preferred choice, if he will take her, if he wants her... she is wanting to go to him....you at plan "B".

 

I suspect you had a lot more marriage issues and problems than you realized or noticed.

 

Actually, her being nice and pleasant most of the time might have been due to the fact that she pretty much checked out of the relationship emotionally some time ago. Which is consistent with I love you but I am not in love with you line.

If the relationship doesn't matter to a person, easy to be polite and ignore the problems. She was no longer invested in the long term outcome.

A why rock the boat mentality. She is getting all of her desires and needs met elsewhere. It sounds like she sort of went into actress role, jump in for the occasional scene role of perfect mom and wife from time to time while she was investing her heart, time, and energy into her EA.

This is an exit affair for her. Whether or not she really intentionally realizes it or not.

Sometimes, absence of conflict and problems can be a bad thing.

[lolablue17]

Well, i think that you should divorce her anyway, but this insult of her "going to check with him" on the weekend, must stop.

 

I have an idea. prepare her incriminating Emails (Please make backups), and show it to her. Tell her that on the weekend, the minute she is out trough the door to meet him, you're going to have the best time of your life, by sending those mails exposing her to each of her parents\family\friends\and every one she can think of.

 

She probably doesn't care for her marriage and you. Let's see how much she cares for her reputation.

[lolablue17]

As for the other guy, he's completely aware she's married and has a family. It's not stopping him from getting racy photos of her.

 

Knowing and seeing their pictures with a tough message from you, are two different things. Not the same effect.

[road]

Well, i think that you should divorce her anyway, but this insult of her "going to check with him" on the weekend, must stop.

 

I have an idea. prepare her incriminating Emails (Please make backups), and show it to her. Tell her that on the weekend, the minute she is out trough the door to meet him, you're going to have the best time of your life, by sending those mails exposing her to each of her parents\family\friends\and every one she can think of.

 

She probably doesn't care for her marriage and you. Let's see how much she cares for her reputation.

 

 

 

Threatening exposure does not work and was never meant to be used that

way. All that does is to warn the WS to do preemptive actions to negate

the BS exposure.

 

 

The way to use exposure is to just do it without warning, all in the span of an hour or two, then when done to just sit back, not tell the WS that the affair was exposed and wait for people to call admonish the WS for their affair.

 

 

Must target as many people as possible for the WS and AP families and

friends. The more that know the more that pressure will be applied to

end the affair. Work place affair then work must be included in the

exposure.

 

 

Waiting to do exposure only makes exposure less effective for the longer

the affair goes on the more entrenched and harder to break.

 

 

So OP, if you want to save your marriage you better get exposure done

today.

[Friskyone4u]

Jurassic

 

Your wife is telling you she is going to bang another man this week end and then decide if she wants to keep doing it or if she wants to consider letting you beg her dome more.

 

Her actions are about as low and disrespectful as it gets, and unfortunately you are in a worse fog then she is because you have not acted yet.

 

Today is Monday. Attorneys are open all week, so if this little excursion of hers is planned for htis coming week end, say nothing and on Friday morning before she goes ask her to sign the divorce papers on the way out of the house.

 

Stop worrying about who you tell before you take this action. And do not back down. You should still divorce her even if she does not go, but you need to start to play hardball here to get on with your life.

 

She does not care about you, want to have an open marriage, and she will do it with another OM if this one does not work out.

 

If her tryst was this past week end and she has freturned, stop interacting with her and telling her what you are going to do. She is crapping all over you and only you can stop it.

 

Sorry for the harsh advice, but you are like a cancer patient with a big malignant tumor who is watching and waiting instead of getting to the oncologist.

[Overtaxed]

Does she actually want an open relationship? If so, I suggest you get on with opening it on your end too; both to help you start to heal and also to perhaps snap your wife back to reality. I also agree with the exposure; I didn't expose my wife's A widely, and I withheld some of the really ugly details to those I did talk to about it, but, my W pretty much immediately went NC and has maintained that since d-day. If she had continued to carry on the A and not agreed to or asked for a D, I would have (and still will) expose widely. And I would not tell her, I'd just start dropping the bombs. I'm pretty sure she knows this, and, perhaps in some twisted way, that makes things easier for her. Drop the AP and go back to your husband. Or ask for a D and move on. Those are the options. No more cake eating; if you do it, or if you try, I will rip your world to pieces. Which is only fair, because that's what my W and your W have done to you.

 

There's a place for mercy, and there's a place for letting the other person make a decision without fear of retribution. But lying is unacceptable, don't tell me the decision is R and then jump in bed with the AP this weekend. That won't fly, and I think you need to make sure your W knows that.

[elaine567]

If you know deep in your heart you want to reconcile then do not expose her affair/actions widely to friends family the postman, the milkman, all your neighbours and anyone else who will listen. Because whilst that may make you feel good at present you will have to live with all the gossip and whispering and bad blood after you are back together.

 

Also I am not sure if you have children or not, but juicy bits of gossip about their parents, whilst considered harmless by many, can seriously hurt and damage kids. Bad enough your parents are fighting or splitting up but the fact the whole school knows why would be mortifying.

[Jurassic12]

We cant reconcile if she's refusing to end her affair. Although I would want nothing more for her to stop so we can save our marriage, she is obsessed with this guy. Ever since I found out she is being less private about it. Yesterday night I recorded her voice yesterday while she was on the phone with her lover. Telling him she can't wait to be in his arms and they're going to have "so much fun" this weekend can't wait to wake up next to him.

 

Zero remorse. She tells me she still cares about me all while excitedly planning her trip with her boyfriend. I swear it's almost like a switch came on and she's a completely different evil person. Told me she's not in love with me and has been miserable for years. She still says she wants to go to MC, I told her not until she breaks it off with him. She's refusing for the time being.

 

Going to go out and file right now.

[lolablue17]

Threatening exposure does not work and was never meant to be used that

way. All that does is to warn the WS to do preemptive actions to negate

the BS exposure.

 

 

The way to use exposure is to just do it without warning, all in the span of an hour or two, then when done to just sit back, not tell the WS that the affair was exposed and wait for people to call admonish the WS for their affair.

 

 

Must target as many people as possible for the WS and AP families and

friends. The more that know the more that pressure will be applied to

end the affair. Work place affair then work must be included in the

exposure.

 

 

Waiting to do exposure only makes exposure less effective for the longer

the affair goes on the more entrenched and harder to break.

 

 

So OP, if you want to save your marriage you better get exposure done

today.

 

OK, you convinced me :-)

[BuddyX]

We cant reconcile if she's refusing to end her affair. Although I would want nothing more for her to stop so we can save our marriage, she is obsessed with this guy. Ever since I found out she is being less private about it. Yesterday night I recorded her voice yesterday while she was on the phone with her lover. Telling him she can't wait to be in his arms and they're going to have "so much fun" this weekend can't wait to wake up next to him.

 

Zero remorse. She tells me she still cares about me all while excitedly planning her trip with her boyfriend. I swear it's almost like a switch came on and she's a completely different evil person. Told me she's not in love with me and has been miserable for years. She still says she wants to go to MC, I told her not until she breaks it off with him. She's refusing for the time being.

 

Going to go out and file right now.

 

How is this a surprise? Action over words. We keep repeating that your wife is gone. But here's the deal. I can guarantee that in the next few weeks she'll make you the bad guy but also will want to R.

 

And when you're dealing with either, think of that recording.

 

And goes without saying, do not tell her you recorded her. This could be highly illegal in your state.

[BluesPower]

Well good for you...

 

Don't waste time in MC, she is gone. Just get the D done as quick as you can.

 

Leave her is the dust. She only thought she was miserable in the marriage, just wait until get actually gets on the dating scene with two smallish kids. She will not be as desirable as married woman looking for NSA attached sex from her online lover.

 

Do not take her back, really she is just too far gone. This is probably an exit affair for her anyway.

 

And, go for the throat in the divorce, maybe go for primary custody so that you get that house and the kids live with you.

 

You are doing the right thing...

[fenix]

OP,

 

I am really sorry for your situation... I hope you will take care of yourself.

 

Now a bit of taught love... You seem to me like a barking dog... you bark but you do not bite... What I mean is... stop telling her what you are going to do and start doing it.

Actions speak louder than words and I think your wife feels safe in the current situation because she expects no consequences. Till you show her that what she does has consequences do not expect any change from her side.

 

Enstein definition of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

If what you are doing till now doesn't work... just try to change something.

 

Good luck!

[Friskyone4u]

We cant reconcile if she's refusing to end her affair. Although I would want nothing more for her to stop so we can save our marriage, she is obsessed with this guy. Ever since I found out she is being less private about it. Yesterday night I recorded her voice yesterday while she was on the phone with her lover. Telling him she can't wait to be in his arms and they're going to have "so much fun" this weekend can't wait to wake up next to him.

 

Zero remorse. She tells me she still cares about me all while excitedly planning her trip with her boyfriend. I swear it's almost like a switch came on and she's a completely different evil person. Told me she's not in love with me and has been miserable for years. She still says she wants to go to MC, I told her not until she breaks it off with him. She's refusing for the time being.

 

Going to go out and file right now.

 

Now that is PROGRESS Jurassic. Stop even discussing MC or any kind of C. And since she is flaunting it in your face, flaunt right back and tell her she might as well stay with him because you are DIVORCING her and not going to MC. The reason she is in this delusional mindset is because so far she has gotten away with it. She actually thinks she is going to have a blast this week end and then come home and tell you she will go to MC but still keep her boyfriend. She believes you will accept it regardless of what you say because she has NOT seen you act.

 

She is checked out of this marriage. You cannot save it by yourself.

Edited February 27, 2017 by Friskyone4u

[Marc878]

We cant reconcile if she's refusing to end her affair. Although I would want nothing more for her to stop so we can save our marriage, she is obsessed with this guy. Ever since I found out she is being less private about it. Yesterday night I recorded her voice yesterday while she was on the phone with her lover. Telling him she can't wait to be in his arms and they're going to have "so much fun" this weekend can't wait to wake up next to him.

 

Zero remorse. She tells me she still cares about me all while excitedly planning her trip with her boyfriend. I swear it's almost like a switch came on and she's a completely different evil person. Told me she's not in love with me and has been miserable for years. She still says she wants to go to MC, I told her not until she breaks it off with him. She's refusing for the time being.

 

Going to go out and file right now.

 

If you're smart you'll do full exposure on this first.

 

You don't stop the affair you have nothing to work with.

 

Full exposure without warning is you're only option at this time.

 

Filing takes awhile. Exposure doesn't.

[Marc878]

If you know deep in your heart you want to reconcile then do not expose her affair/actions widely to friends family the postman, the milkman, all your neighbours and anyone else who will listen. Because whilst that may make you feel good at present you will have to live with all the gossip and whispering and bad blood after you are back together.

 

Also I am not sure if you have children or not, but juicy bits of gossip about their parents, whilst considered harmless by many, can seriously hurt and damage kids. Bad enough your parents are fighting or splitting up but the fact the whole school knows why would be mortifying.

 

She's carrying this out in front of the children now.

 

Her son heard her on the phone with other man and informed his dad.

 

Exposure is his only option at this time. No exposure just enables this further.

[Jurassic12]

We will see how she reacts to my filing. I have already went and ahead and have done it. I don't expect her to make a divorce easy if that's the route we go on. It hurts me more than anything that her wanting to visit her boyfriend to have sex means more to her than our marriage and family. She told me she doesn't think she's going to go see him. As if not even considering it isn't extremely hurtful as it is. She's not really good with electronic stuff at all, so she tells me one thing and I'm able to see their facebook chats which I have gathered for more evidence. So this morning she's telling me she most likely won't go, sends this other guy a message telling him she's going to "rock his world".

 

She most likely knows I'm going to look, I guess she just wants to hurt me in the worst way possible. This is going to be awful breaking to people. I was very tempted to post her chats with him on her facebook but decided against it. I have filed already, I am going to break the news to our families today. Did not tell her I have filed, all she's thinking about is ****ing OM in his mothers house. And no he's not married I am sure of it.

[Bryanp]

Wow. Your wife is a piece of work. You deserve so much better. Good luck.

[Giacomo67]

Hi jurrasic, sorry for what your going through .... again!

You did good starting the D. papers, altough i dont think she will receive them before her weekend meet-up...

From now on stop talking and watch her actions, you dont need to say nothing else. Can I suggest that you organize also a weekend getaway with your kids?

I would start to organize a place to go on this weekend without even telling her, and go NC the whole time she is away.....

Then Monday dont bother to listen to what she says, just ask her to sign the papers cause your done