BuddyX Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Just keep repeating to yourself. "my love didn't stop you from cheating, it won't stop me from divorcing you because of it". Hang in there. The next 6 months will be brutal. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 As you've found cheaters lie a lot. Exposure all at once no warning. Maybe OM's mother too Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Getting strong and taking action is your best bet. You should realize that now Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 You said you will file, file for what? Answer: a divorce of course!! Response: how? Terms? Asset division? Custody.? Child support? Where will you live? How does where you live help/hinder child care/support? In short: whats the plan Stan? Just hitting the door is not a plan Dan. A recent thread by a man with two young daughters 6 and 8 living in England. This is what he did right: He moved up (mostly a bad move, but his sanity was shot). Bit the bullet and move into his mom's house who is single and semi-retired. Wife is still in the family home. Man adjusted his schedule to be very flexible work schedule to be able to handle sick days for children, pick ups from school, post school child care etc. Currently 50/50 child care on track for him to have 60 to 70% custody. Why, how? When he has custody either he or his mom are in the home. Stability is the number one question almost always when considering "best interest of child". He never misses school events regardless of who has custody, wife cannot miss work often. He went to the school on day one and discussed the pending divorce. Simply saying they where divorcing, due to issues of possibilty of adultery (not mentioning who) and was concerned about the impact on his daughter and ask for advise and what he should do to insure the children where not simply removed from the school unknown to him. He listened took notes and thanked them. (note did not necessary agree but did not voice this) The family home is being sold in the near future. At which time he will rent or buy a new place with his daughters in the same school district, and maintain his daughters social circle. He is thriving and focused. He sounded like you for two weeks, posting hammered him with 2x4s. Losing his mind one night he walked out with no place to go except his mom's. He wrote he felt like such a losser. A mid-thirties guy running home to mommy. Well as I said he is doing great, wife is slowly losing her mind asking a cousin of his why is he doing this, it doesn't have to be this way, why wouldn't he talk to me, I can't believe he would just walk on me like this, my daughters are always much happier at his mom's and has loss an unhealthy amount of weight. So I ask again: whats the plan Stan? What are the goals and how will you achive them? Start with the 180 again the link, read it, use it, become it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce Stop telling us just what she is doing, start telling us what you are doing. Don't write about saving the marriage and reconcilation or asking her to work on the marriage until she asks you, begs you. When she asks simply ask her why and how. When she answer, with no emotion, "I think you really haven't given this enough thought. Have you done any reading on the subject or seen an IC?". Then refuse to engage futher, be the 180 and keep saying "really I don't think...." close the conversation "I'm sorry you feel that way" and end the conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Activate the 180 immediately, kick her out of your bedroom if you haven't already done that, change your banking, credit cards, remover her and let her get her own, don't finance her affair. Tell/expose to everyone that has influence over her. She is all in the marriage or fire her as your wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Again I strongly advised not to leave the family home if at all possible. The goal should be she move out. Keep asking her politely to do so. Point out that leaving will help her clear her mind, that it will be good for. Tell her you know she loves you, you know a part of her always will but sometimes in life we have to move on. That staying in the home will only poison what love is left, she will regret not moving out at some point. She needs a clear mind about OM. That she needs to accept the divorce and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 (edited) We will see how she reacts to my filing. I have already went and ahead and have done it. I don't expect her to make a divorce easy if that's the route we go on. It hurts me more than anything that her wanting to visit her boyfriend to have sex means more to her than our marriage and family. She told me she doesn't think she's going to go see him. As if not even considering it isn't extremely hurtful as it is. She's not really good with electronic stuff at all, so she tells me one thing and I'm able to see their facebook chats which I have gathered for more evidence. So this morning she's telling me she most likely won't go, sends this other guy a message telling him she's going to "rock his world". She most likely knows I'm going to look, I guess she just wants to hurt me in the worst way possible. This is going to be awful breaking to people. I was very tempted to post her chats with him on her facebook but decided against it. I have filed already, I am going to break the news to our families today. Did not tell her I have filed, all she's thinking about is ****ing OM in his mothers house. And no he's not married I am sure of it. I don't understand your hesitancy to expose the affair. I WISH I had known this information when I was going through this. I kept all of his secrets to my own detriment! He kept having fun, openly defying our union. I sat at home in turmoil, in an attempt to protect his reputation. This isn't just going to go away, I'm sorry to say. If you really want to shake her up and throw a monkey wrench in her weekend, exposure will hit harder than filing for divorce. Do not give her the benefit of keeping her affair secret. She is showing she has NO respect for you. EXPOSE HER. Edited February 27, 2017 by springy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 your are dealing with a drug addict. She is the druggie and her OM is her drug. Why are you letting her stay in the house and use the internet? hope you have told her family already. Give her the D papers now. She it too far gone. She thinks she can come back after her weekend? Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-Farmer Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 JURASSIC --- it is this simple EXPOSE OR SHE WILL HAVE SEX WITH THIS OM EXPOSE there really is no other option. You have done nothing to snap her out of this. Even filing doesn't. She thinks she has you wrapped around her finger and could easily convince to to cancel filing EXPOSE you can't untell everyone she know about an affair Just like she can't unhave sex with OM Tell her parents and when they are phoning her asking her what the hell she is doing, it will be the beginning of her wake up call. If you don't do something that is irreversible (tell her parents YOUR CHILDRENS GRAND PARENTS) she is going to see the OM this weekend!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I haven't read all the replies, but have read the OP's posts. Why on earth is your wife sending used clothing and even her shoes to this creep? Does she realize he is probably a freak who requests these items from many women? How does she know he's not a predator? How can any sane individual send these used items to people? ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jurassic12 Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 (edited) She's "thinks" she's in love with him that's why. According to their chats it's a kink of his and she's "happy to do anything for the love of her life" Sent him undergarments, shoes, socks, gifts, photos of her. She's even paying for the hotel they're supposed to meet at even though she's driving to him. She just texted me to ask if I hated her. Not even going to respond. She is still saying she doesn't want our marriage to end. I am currently at work just absolutely broken. She honestly thinks she can go to him for a weekend and come back. When I get off I'm gonna to tell her parents, I just don't want it getting to our kids they will be absolutely devastated if they find out why. Edited February 27, 2017 by Jurassic12 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 At some point the kids will have to know... Not now, but they will have to know because they will think it is their fault. Even if she does not go you still need to divorce her. She is really off her rocker in every way. No way you should ever take her back. And you are right, do not respond to her and expose to everyone in every way. You stay strong, you are doing the right thing... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 You're doing things right, Jurassic. If you ever start to feel yourself wavering, just come back and read this thread from beginning to end. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-Farmer Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Honestly I'd take the day off man!! Go to your boss tell them you're having huge family problems and that you need the afternoon off. If you're anything like me, how much work could you possibly be getting done with this much on you're mind. You need to take action this second. Not only will it help your situation I'm very sure just doing something about it will make you feel at least a little bit better. IS your wife a stay at home mom? or does she work? I'd take others advice and CUT HER OFF They only thing worst that your wife having sex with OM is them doing it in a hotel on your dime. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 She's "thinks" she's in love with him that's why. According to their chats it's a kink of his and she's "happy to do anything for the love of her life" Sent him undergarments, shoes, socks, gifts, photos of her. She's even paying for the hotel they're supposed to meet at even though she's driving to him. She just texted me to ask if I hated her. Not even going to respond. She is still saying she doesn't want our marriage to end. I am currently at work just absolutely broken. She honestly thinks she can go to him for a weekend and come back. When I get off I'm gonna to tell her parents, I just don't want it getting to our kids they will be absolutely devastated if they find out why. She's paying for it? With what money? Your marital money? Hell no. I wouldn't allow that. You need to serve her with divorce papers. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 This loser probably doesn't even have a car. I swear, you cannot make up some of the stories here. Just unbelievable. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Info about him (OM), around the same age as us divorced and lives in his mommas basement. She's even paying for the hotel they're supposed to meet at even though she's driving to him. She is still saying she doesn't want our marriage to end. Of course she doesn’t what your marriage to end. Her OM is a broke POS that lives in his momma’s basement. He doesn’t want to deal with her two kids. I told her if she meets OM and doesn't stop talking to him right now kiss everything goodbye. She said she hates seeing me so upset and she will stop. She’s like your rebellious teenage daughter. She’s totally convinced that at the end of the day daddy will never kick her out of the house no matter want she does. There is something called “critical mass” that is required for a nuclear explosion. When she sees that you are almost to “critical mass” she backs off. Then you calm down and don’t know what to do. I understand. When someone says something totally ridiculous I have no idea how to respond and stand there with my mouth open. You need to show her consequences. That daddy can and will divorce her. Blow up her world now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-Farmer Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Divorce papers are honestly is not your most powerful card here. She sees your relationship as something she can "take a break" from and come back and you'll be sitting at home there on your knees waiting. Telling her parents is your strongest card that absolutely must be played!! What I would do is go buy a new lock for your doors. Show it to her and tell her if you leave (on the weekend) to see OM (and leave me and our children) this is going on and don't come back. Buy the lock show her you're serious and not talking BS. And do it if she leaves. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 What I would do is go buy a new lock for your doors. Show it to her and tell her if you leave (on the weekend) to see OM (and leave me and our children) this is going on and don't come back. Buy the lock show her you're serious and not talking BS. And do it if she leaves. He has no right to kick her out of her house... She can call the police. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 She sees your relationship as something she can "take a break" from and come back and you'll be sitting at home there on your knees waiting. Telling her parents is your strongest card that absolutely must be played!! Yes. Blow up her world now. Thus far it has only been talk on your part. You put her on "Double Secret Probation." Originally used in the 1978 American college classic film "Animal House," dean Wormer puts the rowdy Delta Tau Chi fraternity on a "double secret probation," since the Delta House is already on probation. The term has since evolved to mean the act of being on probation while still partying on a regular basis. He has no right to kick her out of her house... She can call the police. This is true Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 She's "thinks" she's in love with him that's why. According to their chats it's a kink of his and she's "happy to do anything for the love of her life" Sent him undergarments, shoes, socks, gifts, photos of her. She's even paying for the hotel they're supposed to meet at even though she's driving to him. She just texted me to ask if I hated her. Not even going to respond. She is still saying she doesn't want our marriage to end. I am currently at work just absolutely broken. She honestly thinks she can go to him for a weekend and come back. When I get off I'm gonna to tell her parents, I just don't want it getting to our kids they will be absolutely devastated if they find out why. Why would she think she CAN do pretty much anything and you will take her back? Because she knows you don't have the courage to follow follow through with any consequences. So the question becomes why shouldn't she go out and bang this guy? If you truly believe that her having sex with another man is a deal-breaker then you have to assure her you will file for divorce if she even talks/texts/emails this guy again and then follow through with your threat. If you can't or won't do this then you're just here to whine and look for sympathy. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 That may or may not be true... If she leaves to go screw the other man, that can be called abandonment. In that case he may have every right to change the locks. And even if he does not, let her call the police, so what? Are they going to put him in "changing the locks" jail. They will tell him to let her in. In either case, she will get the point... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 He has no right to kick her out of her house... She can call the police. If she goes on her sex weekend, I think that gives him a huge reason to change the locks. Yes, she can call the cops, but they won't arrest him. They may make him let her in, but that's it. If she threatened calling the cops I'd tell her that if she does that, that every one of her communications with OM would be posted on every social media there is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-Farmer Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 And even if he does not, let her call the police, so what? Are they going to put him in "changing the locks" jail. They will tell him to let her in. Exactly. I won't pretend to know what is actually the law (i'm outside of US) but I don't think they'd haul him away for this. If it came to that just give her the key. She needs to see you're serious though. Something physical and real as a result of her actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EZNona Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 And even if he does not, let her call the police, so what? Are they going to put him in "changing the locks" jail. They will tell him to let her in. As terrible as this situation is, this made me laugh so hard. You have to laugh because this story is enough to make a grown man/woman cry. I say let her leave for the weekend and hopefully that will be enough to convince you that you need to leave this unstable woman alone. I keep saying this, but this woman has lost her dam mind!! All of her behaviors are completely inexcusable. No loving woman would do this to her husband. It is unbelievably cruel. I mean she sent him used underwear. There is NO coming back from that. My heart is really breaking for you...you don't deserve this 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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