She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[S2B]

She has said she doesn't know what she wants to do. She feels like she has tried to fix the marriage but I haven't put in any effort at all before this. She has finally given me some info about the timeline of the affair, they met on this online forum they're both apart of. He started chatting her up and then it just escalated. I told her she has just made our marriage much harder even if she doesn't go to see him, she is already cheating on me and if she wants any chance to salvage this she cannot go see him. I told her the longer she takes to make her decision the harder it's going to be. She said she cares about me but doesn't know if she's in love with me still but she wants to do counseling.

 

She did ask why I even want to stay with her, I gave her my reasoning. She believes I didn't appreciate her these last few years and she said how I feel now she's been feeling for awhile. I said that was BS, I didn't have an affair was flaunting it in her face. "You might as well of with the lack of attention/affection you showed me, do you know how unhappy I've been?"

 

All of her delusions she's telling you AFTER cheating!

 

The right time to tell you would have been BEFORE she cheated...so now she gets NO say because the cheating isn't making her think clearly.

 

And blaming ANY of it on you isn't right either!

 

She deserves no consideration to reconcile because she hasn't taken full responsibility for how she participated.

 

That's the line in the sand. Get her out of your life so YOU can think clearly for a while.

 

She cheated = she moves out. Cut off all her access to money and move any available money into your name only. She's in her own to figure out how she's gonna do life for a long while. Make HER uncomfortable!

 

Do not fix things for her. Do not make anything easy for her. Do not give money, sympathy or compassion.

 

She will use you if you let her - don't allow her to.

 

Start being strong and take care of YOUR future!

[Jersey born raised]

Wow serendipity ! Read this posters posts. He started last July and has 14 posts. Your life is about to become his for the next couple of months.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=29417589

[JamesM]

so my wife of 14 years is having an online affair with a guy she met on an online forum. I discovered this by breaking into her email and seeing the emails of them professing their love for one another. Talking about how they love each along with scantily clad photos of my wife. When confronted she told me that I'm crazy and how dare I invade her privacy.

 

She has shown no remorse and no plans on stopping things with the OM. Info about him, around the same age as us divorced and lives in his mommas basement. She's spent hundreds of dollars on gifts for him and lingerie for her to model for him.

 

The loser lives about a five hour drive away from us, I think it's possible she has slept with him so I'm done having sex with her and getting STD tested.. She is gong back and forth on what she wants to do, saying she has not felt this happy in a long time. Asked her if she has slept with him, got an angry no.

 

They talk everyday, mostly about their love for each other and their personal lives. I'm so heartbroken, destroyed actually. She said she thinks we should go to marriage counseling all while she carries on with her online boyfriend. Told me he actually knows how to treat a women. We had a good marriage before this, this came completely out of left field.

 

Is also denying that the affair is the reason we are in this position. She said it's not a real affair because she hasn't slept with him. Their chats are literally high school puppy love and sexting. Makes me want to throw up.

 

All our friends look at us as having a good marriage, so does our family and so did she no matter what she is staying in this ****ed up state. I feel like ****.

 

Please tell me someone already asked about this. I don't have time to go through 150 posts, but this caught my attention immediately.

 

If your wife is having an online affair, then why are you afraid of STDs?

 

While you may have thought you had a good marriage, my guess is that something was wrong. No blame being sent your way, but just saying.

 

And if this is an online affair, then a fantasy was lived and a marriage still can be saved. It fulfilled a void whether it be boredom or something missing in her marriage or her character.

 

Not looking to be flamed for that response, but people get caught up in fantasies and when life gets in the way, then it all comes crashing down.

 

For your kids sake and yours, don't walk out without a complete examination of all facts and events.

 

And now I read everything. I still find no evidence that she has slept with him. This has been an online affair. Once confronted, she started saying all sorts of nasty stuff to OP. She threatens to meet the OM, but when they do, I can almost guarantee that she will come crashing down and run back home. He will not be as she thought.

Edited February 28, 2017 by JamesM

[Dark-Farmer]

Wow serendipity ! Read this posters posts. He started last July and has 14 posts. Your life is about to become his for the next couple of months.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=29417589

 

I just read this post. Heart breaking but glad that he saw the light and is now getting out of the tunnel.

 

Jurassic study this. He stumbled like most but this is about doing the right thing the first time so you're not going 2 steps forward 1 step back.

 

What I've learnt is that in life changing emotional hardships or in the case of the cheater life changing and emotional super jump-start (the new-love feeling) people just turn off their logical thought process and make decisions purely on instinct! and if you are a doormat you wife's instinct is to keep going forward with her "new-love juices" if you 180 and show that there will be real consequences she her instincts will tell her to second guess.

 

You see it over and over in posts when the betrayed partner no longer wants the wayward (or at least act that way with confidence) their gut will say "wait a sec what are we missing?"

[Sunny85]

so sorry to hear this....

I am going through similar feelings, just found out my boyfriend is mailing and meeting up with an ' old flame', all the sudden he wants to meet her again. I saw this messages on his email that he left open.. also makes me want to throw up. We just spended a nice weekend together and he told me he loved me, found out that he hours later mailed her again... the same day he told me he loved me. I feel so hurt.... just dont understand it...

I think with your wife its also possible to have some sort of a midlife crisis, like totally being ridiculous childish and trying to escape the life she knows already but then after some months finds out this new love is not that exciting and fantastic as it seemed...

 

If you dont know for sure if she has really met hem, then dont accuse her.

Its best to stay calm and not react when you are angry... It will only make it worse and she will probably not talk to you and try to avoid you if you become angry.

Try to talk to her and ask her why she's talking with this men. Maybe you can still save the relationship and talk about it. Sometimes people seek online contact online cause they search validation, excitement, feeling wanted, flattered by someone who gives them compliments and attention etc.

[merrmeade]

Maybe you can still save the relationship and talk about it.

 

Sometimes people seek online contact online cause they search validation, excitement, feeling wanted, flattered by someone who gives them compliments and attention etc.

Huh??? Yes, that -- searching for validatation, etc. -- is often the reason. And so understanding that makes it less of a problem when they break their commitment or vows??

 

There are all kinds of reasons and causes for people to do wrong things. You can even feel sympathy for them. But their actions are still wrong and may hurt others terribly. No consequences means no change. THey'll do it again.

[S2B]

She says she doesn't know what she wants to do = she's not sorry she hurt you by doing it - she's sorry you're taking her fun away and she's sorry she got caught!

 

Why wait for her to decide? She an unremorseful liar and cheater = you decide to divorce her!

 

Take charge of YOUR life man!

[aliveagain]

Friend you can't negotiate with a brick wall. Once you draw your line in the sand defend it, do not move the line. When you give an ultimatum be prepared to honour your word. You can't control her actions, you can't kick her out of the home and you can't stop her from going to see him. You can move her out of your bedroom or if she refuses, remove yourself, you can also fire her as your wife.

 

If words mean nothing to her show her an action, file, divorce takes time and can be stopped anytime up to the final decree. Can you have her served before she goes to see him? That will give her time to look over the papers, a reality check of sorts that may help neutralize the fantasy she is imaging with him. He is not better then you, he cheats, you don't. There is only so much you can do and if she refuses to commit to the marriage cut her loose. Expose her to parents and to the other man's wife, do that immediately. If she still intends to go tell her to make other arrangements for when and if she returns, start implementing the 180 and stick to it. Listen to your lawyer.

[Jurassic12]

I have told her I have filed. I feel as if I'm starting to develop depression if that's possible so I am going to get some help. I'm currently at work and I just feel like sitting in a corner and crying. She texted me asking me how my day has been going, I told her I have filed for divorce and do not text me unless it has anything to do with the children. She is now blowing up my phone telling me to come home right now. Telling me to stop talking like that. She is telling me to please come home, I don't know what for.

[BuddyX]

Do not go. Stand your ground.

[kgcolonel]

I have told her I have filed. I feel as if I'm starting to develop depression if that's possible so I am going to get some help. I'm currently at work and I just feel like sitting in a corner and crying. She texted me asking me how my day has been going, I told her I have filed for divorce and do not text me unless it has anything to do with the children. She is now blowing up my phone telling me to come home right now. Telling me to stop talking like that. She is telling me to please come home, I don't know what for.

 

She is trying to manipulate you, no question. Stand your ground, carry on as you normally would and do not respond to her questions. Understand that these will likely soon turn accusatory and mean as she may be getting the picture that you're seeing and she's not liking the fact that she's lost her power.

[GoldenR]

I have told her I have filed. I feel as if I'm starting to develop depression if that's possible so I am going to get some help. I'm currently at work and I just feel like sitting in a corner and crying. She texted me asking me how my day has been going, I told her I have filed for divorce and do not text me unless it has anything to do with the children. She is now blowing up my phone telling me to come home right now. Telling me to stop talking like that. She is telling me to please come home, I don't know what for.

 

Expect anger and tears, back and forth,back and forth. You've destroyed her fantasy world = anger.

The reality of the stupid **** that she's actually done is setting in and she's realizing that everything she's comfortable with could be gone soon = tears.

 

Just keep in mind that tears DO NOT = remorse.

[kgcolonel]

suggest to her that she can now leave early to see the loser she's been pining for.....she's free to do as she wants.

[BluesPower]

Go to a hotel tonight if you have to. Do not talk to her about the divorce in any way. You have talked enough to her about her affair and she does not care.

 

If she will not stop go to a hotel and stay away from her.

 

Trust me, you are doing the completely right thing.

 

And you do need to see a doc tomorrow and get on at least a mild Anti-depressant to help you over these humps that you are going to have.

 

It does not mean that you are weak, it means that you cannot handle all the emotions that you have been through and are going through.

 

A little AD will smooth the edges a little.

 

Stay strong, grit your teeth through it, if you give in now you are lost forever..... Stay strong...

[BuddyX]

If you have time, sit down and write out possible outcomes in your exchange with your W. You know her better than anyone else.

 

Have a solid answer to everything she throws at you. The main thing, stay calm. I guarantee you, if you take emotion out of it, your going to find her train wreck quite amusing. She'll say some crazy things, just roll your eyes.

[aliveagain]

I have told her I have filed. I feel as if I'm starting to develop depression if that's possible so I am going to get some help. I'm currently at work and I just feel like sitting in a corner and crying. She texted me asking me how my day has been going, I told her I have filed for divorce and do not text me unless it has anything to do with the children. She is now blowing up my phone telling me to come home right now. Telling me to stop talking like that. She is telling me to please come home, I don't know what for.

 

 

She is loosing control and she needs to get control back so she can go visit her boyfriend while you watch the kids. Your not behaving the way she expected you to behave, stand your ground. You have told her that you have filed, be clear on what your requirements are to stay in the marriage, no contact with o/m, complete transparency, independent counselling to find out why she is behaving the way she is. Have you exposed her to the other man's wife? Do so if you haven't, the o/m will throw her under the bus in a micro second to protect his cheating a$$. 180, 180, 180.

[Jurassic12]

You're all probably right. From what I can tell she is going to visit him. Pretty sure she has already booked the room for their romantic getaway. No signs of her indicating she won't be going except her telling me that she is confused, doesn't want a divorce, doesn't think she will go.

 

No the other man is single and divorced. Well I guess he does have a girlfriend, my wife. Lives with his mom and works at an office job. He seems to actually have a decent life but I guess it would be better if he got to screw my wife all weekend free of charge. He also seems to have had drinking problems, I don't want him around my kids if she continues this relationship with him. Sweet talked the hell out of her along with calling her the most beautiful women he's ever seen and she eats it all up. Talk about a devastating blow to my ego.

 

If she goes I will probably publicly expose the convos I have on social media after the divorce, just so I don't get in trouble while were still married. Her traditional parents are already furious at her.

Edited February 28, 2017 by Jurassic12

[Marc878]

If you're smart you don't back down.

 

Don't be afraid of continuing with the D. You can always slow it or stop if HER ACTIONS warrant it.

 

Continue the hard 180!!!! If you chase they move farther away.

 

Stay strong. Weakness is probably what put you where you are.

 

When does she get served?

[Dark-Farmer]

She is loosing control and she needs to get control back so she can go visit her boyfriend while you watch the kids. Your not behaving the way she expected you to behave, stand your ground. You have told her that you have filed, be clear on what your requirements are to stay in the marriage, no contact with o/m, complete transparency, independent counselling to find out why she is behaving the way she is. Have you exposed her to the other man's wife? Do so if you haven't, the o/m will throw her under the bus in a micro second to protect his cheating a$$. 180, 180, 180.

 

This 1000% man. Keep on the straight and narrow as hard as it is!

Jurassic it doesn't feel like it but the ball is beginning to go into your court and not yours and your wife is losing her ****! That is a good sign.

She is far from out of the fog but her panic is step one of getting there

 

If you cave she is just going to straight her duck up pack her bags and leave for the hotel with the OM for a weekend of sex while you babysit at home with your stomach in a knot.

[aliveagain]

Just don't make the affair a good place to be, make it hard financially. Minimize any conversations with her about anything other then the children or the finances. Carry a VAR(voice activated recorder) when your with her. A VAR velcro'd under a seat in her car will tell everything she talk's about with him.

 

Go for full custody of your children. She needs to know that you will not be her friend when you divorce. Start doing things that do not include her, with and without the children. Have you googled the "180" make it your new mantra because you need to get some distance between you and her craziness. Throwing everything away for someone she hasn't even met is loony toons. Could she be having a medical breakdown of some kind? Perhaps a brain tumor of some kind?

[JS84]

Whatever you do don't get drawn into some 2, 6, 12 hour chat/cry/hug session with her like I see a lot of male BS's doing as soon as the consequences start for the WS. And DO NO SLEEP WITH HER!

[merrmeade]

I have told her I have filed. I feel as if I'm starting to develop depression if that's possible so I am going to get some help. I'm currently at work and I just feel like sitting in a corner and crying. She texted me asking me how my day has been going, I told her I have filed for divorce and do not text me unless it has anything to do with the children. She is now blowing up my phone telling me to come home right now. Telling me to stop talking like that. She is telling me to please come home, I don't know what for.

You have absolutely no choice.

 

There's something weirdly sociopathic about the way your wife is conducting this affair under your nose without acknowledging to herself that it IS an affair—that she would threaten you with divorce if you ever read her emails again; that she lamely thinks of marriage counseling because you would dare tell her parents. She has in common with most cheaters the idea that sex is necessary to call it an affair and cheating, but she's uncommonly flagrant, clueless and cruel in carrying out their interactions under your nose. She seems to think as long as they haven't gone to bed together it's innocent.

 

This stubborn stance reminds me a bit of my sister-in-law who cheated with my husband. She insisted that they were 'mostly' just best friends, that I wouldn't understand even that, and - most important - that their few accidents of physical intimacy didn't count because they'd decided not to do it any more. Absurd, yes, but just as absurd as your wife, Justin. My point is they have to hold on to these bizarre distortions of reality or they couldn't live with themselves.

 

If you care at this point, you could buy her the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It makes it very clear that verbally sharing emotional and sexual intimacies with another man IS an affair and discusses the prevalence of such relationships as as result of internet and digital communication. But it's not necessary that you should be so helpful. She's pretty far gone.

 

Just wanted spell all that out to support your actions. You REALLY have no choice than what you're doing if she can't even acknowledge that what she's been doing is wrong and injurious to you and the family. You have to follow through. As far as she's concerned, only facing reality will dissolve the spell she's under.

 

Not that it will be okay once she DOES realize what she's done. Realizing means she has to absorb the fact that she's lost everything because of her actions. THEN, she has to be completely flattened by the damage she's done to you and the family. Only then can she begin to try and make amends. You don't have to expect or hope for it. It's her problem.

[Jurassic12]

Just don't make the affair a good place to be, make it hard financially. Minimize any conversations with her about anything other then the children or the finances. Carry a VAR(voice activated recorder) when your with her. A VAR velcro'd under a seat in her car will tell everything she talk's about with him.

 

Go for full custody of your children. She needs to know that you will not be her friend when you divorce. Start doing things that do not include her, with and without the children. Have you googled the "180" make it your new mantra because you need to get some distance between you and her craziness. Throwing everything away for someone she hasn't even met is loony toons. Could she be having a medical breakdown of some kind? Perhaps a brain tumor of some kind?

 

A mental breakdown midlife crisis of some sort is very likely. I'm not trying to defend her actions but she is not only being disrespectful to me but to her family. Believe me when I say everyone will be shocked if this all comes to light because of the kind of person my wife was before this.

 

For example, she would be super paranoid about people ever seeing graphic photos of her or anything like that. Yet she has sent him videos and photos of her nude, selfies, her underwear.

 

She also seems to hold some resentment towards me for whatever reason, which is why she is rubbing her affair in my face ever since I have found out. She has facetimed OM in the sight of our kids and she seems to have no shame about it. I don't know if this is all a cry for attention or what it is really.

 

Guess we will know if she goes to visit him, which I think is most likely going to happen. So "she can see where she stands with him". I am still hoping she comes to her senses.

[merrmeade]

Sorry - Jurassic (not Justin)

[Friskyone4u]

A mental breakdown midlife crisis of some sort is very likely. I'm not trying to defend her actions but she is not only being disrespectful to me but to her family. Believe me when I say everyone will be shocked if this all comes to light because of the kind of person my wife was before this.

 

For example, she would be super paranoid about people ever seeing graphic photos of her or anything like that. Yet she has sent him videos and photos of her nude, selfies, her underwear.

 

She also seems to hold some resentment towards me for whatever reason, which is why she is rubbing her affair in my face ever since I have found out. She has facetimed OM in the sight of our kids and she seems to have no shame about it. I don't know if this is all a cry for attention or what it is really.

 

Guess we will know if she goes to visit him, which I think is most likely going to happen. So "she can see where she stands with him". I am still hoping she comes to her senses.

 

Jurassic,

 

Please please understand even if she does not go, she has not come to her senses. The only reason she will not go, and you say that is unlikely, is because she is trying to gauge how serious you are and desperately wants you back to see if she can manipulate and confuse you even more.

 

So if she goes and comes home and then tells you she made a little mistake are you going to accept the fact that she will be telling you that after a week end sex fest with another man.

 

You need to hold you ground and STOP interacting with her period. I am afraid if she postpones this trip you are going to think you have scored some kind of victory, even if she continues to communicate with him.

 

It has to be NC totally with him and she has to be willing to prove it to you any way you deem necessary. No negotiations.

 

And the next time she tells you she does not want a divorce, tell her she is getting a divorce unless she keeps his penis out of her vagina. That ought to make it clear to her.