She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[aliveagain]

A mental breakdown midlife crisis of some sort is very likely. I'm not trying to defend her actions but she is not only being disrespectful to me but to her family. Believe me when I say everyone will be shocked if this all comes to light because of the kind of person my wife was before this.

 

For example, she would be super paranoid about people ever seeing graphic photos of her or anything like that. Yet she has sent him videos and photos of her nude, selfies, her underwear.

 

She also seems to hold some resentment towards me for whatever reason, which is why she is rubbing her affair in my face ever since I have found out. She has facetimed OM in the sight of our kids and she seems to have no shame about it. I don't know if this is all a cry for attention or what it is really.

 

Guess we will know if she goes to visit him, which I think is most likely going to happen. So "she can see where she stands with him". I am still hoping she comes to her senses.

 

The more you tell her not to go the more she will fight you and ultimately go. Tell that she is free to go see him if that is what she wants to do and you will not stand in the way of her happiness "but"..... if she does choose to go she will do so not as your wife. Let her know that your focus is to get out of infidelity preferably with your family intact but as long as she continues her affair that is not going to happen and you are not waiting around for her decision. The longer she chooses to continue her contact with O/M the less you are in favour of reconciliation.

[kgcolonel]

Might want to stop by the store on your way home, buy a cheap suitcase and give it to her and help her pack....urge her to leave early......tell her she needs to leave....

 

Actually, you should grab your child, and go out to dinner somewhere, maybe take in a movie to remove yourself and your child from this idiocy.

 

Protect yourself and your child.

[road]

Road...

 

Read a little deeper. She is having an EA and flaunting it in the OP's face. She is planning to go hook up with the loser this weekend, and is paying for the hotel room.

 

Not a woman anyone should take back in my opinion.

 

I have seen WW's do worse and the marriage was saved and became

better than before the affair.

 

 

Divorce for some is black and white others an infinite shades of gray.

What a BH has to do is look at the whole picture and take inventory

of what is gained and what is lost. Then make the best decision for

himself.

[Jurassic12]

She texted me that she's not going to go and she's sorry. She "cant stand the idea of us divorcing" I said if she wants our marriage she better start acting a loyal wife and I will not tolerate her bs anymore.

[road]

Jurassic do not lay down and take this man (if at all possible)

You need a credit card for a room, is it hers or yours?

Cancel it ASAP if you can. Call the Credit card company reverse the charge tell them the card was stolen if you have too. Call the hotel tell them to cancel the reservation, tell them the card is cancelled and you having the charge reversed if they won't do it for it. They wont give her the room if they aren't paid.

 

If she wants to see OM yo might not be able to stop it, but atleast you wont be kicking yourself for funding it.

 

Like I said before, if she's a stay at home mom and does work, CUT HER OFF.

 

 

Must do advice.

[BluesPower]

Let's say she does not go...

 

She is still having an affair with this guy. What are you going to do about that?

 

Listen OP, and Road you and I disagree, if you allow her in your life without stopping the actual affair, what have you got?

 

She is telling you that, until that text, that she was going to go sleep with her lover.

 

Unless you can prove that she is found ACTUALLY MENTALLY UNSTABLE BY A DOCTOR, you should continue the divorce if and until she wakes up, or gets put into a mental institution.

 

This is a small victory, brought on by YOUR decisive action I might add, but the war and the marriage is not won or safe.

 

You really need to be thinking in these terms...

[Marc878]

She stays in any contact the affair continues. Her words are meaningless. Her actions will tell you what you need to know.

[BuddyX]

My exw told me she would stop talking with the OM. Guess what? She created another email account and started the convo.

 

WS hardly ever go cold turkey. NC is broken majority of the time. Your wife does not go from "about to suck his junk" to I love my husband now. It doesn't work like that.

 

But, if you decided to R....Every, and I mean EVERY text message, email, phone call, and car ride has to be accounted for from this point on. Get yourself a VAR and velcro that under the car seat.

 

This is the prison she has created.

[whichwayisup]

She texted me that she's not going to go and she's sorry. She "cant stand the idea of us divorcing" I said if she wants our marriage she better start acting a loyal wife and I will not tolerate her bs anymore.

 

I hope she realizes this means that she also has to go total no contact with him, if she doesn't 'get' that, then tell her she can move in with her parents if she plans on continuing a friendship (aka affair) with him online. And that divorce is still on the table. Marriage counseling is a MUST right now. She needs to be remorseful and understand what she's done. She's reacting and acting desperate now because you took control.

 

She isn't trustworthy. At all. She's up and down like a toilet seat! You need passwords to all her social media sites and her cell too. No more hiding and lying.

[whichwayisup]

She texted me that she's not going to go and she's sorry. She "cant stand the idea of us divorcing" I said if she wants our marriage she better start acting a loyal wife and I will not tolerate her bs anymore.

 

Also, why is she texting you and not speaking to you face to face about this?

 

She isn't 'sorry'. Far from it. Jesus man, she's still not the wife you married, and she won't be for a long time. Don't take divorce off the table, she needs that consequence as a threat. Otherwise she will sneak off and continue talking to him behind your back.

[Marc878]

You jump into Reconcilling immediately it'll be a huge mistake.

 

You'd better take some time and think about wha you want first.

[EZNona]

She texted me that she's not going to go and she's sorry. She "cant stand the idea of us divorcing" I said if she wants our marriage she better start acting a loyal wife and I will not tolerate her bs anymore.

 

She can't stand the idea of you two divorcing??? But she thought instigating an affair, openly chatting up the OM, and setting up a weekend rendezvous while also sending her dirty drawers to this creepster wouldn't bring you two right down that road??

 

Seriously....Is she nuts?

[Friskyone4u]

She texted me that she's not going to go and she's sorry. She "cant stand the idea of us divorcing" I said if she wants our marriage she better start acting a loyal wife and I will not tolerate her bs anymore.

 

Jurassic,

 

OK, that sounds like a START. But do not lull yourself into false feeling that this is by any means over. You made a statement above that she is going to either act like a loyal wife and you are not going to tolerate any more BS. That is GREAT but now there is a line in the sand you have drawn ( correctly) and you cannot let her cross it.

You can bet before she sent you that text she contacted OM and they. Have most likely set a plan in place to take this a little more underground. DO NOT BELIEVE FOR A SECOND THIS IS OVER AT THIS POINT.

 

Now, if you are serious and want to get out of this infidelity, you must make that your priority. And if you can save your marriage fine, but only if the infidelity stops, and right now her word means absolutely nothing.

 

You will see when you arrive home if the statement she is not going has been upheld or if it was only a ruse to get you back to square one. So if I were you, I would do the following

 

(1) DO NOT agree at this point to stop the divorce filing under any circumstances. It is not going to happen immediately and you can stop it anytime you want to if she does the right things.

(2) she agrees to the following IMMEDIATELY.

NO CONTACT- that means no more texts, photos, videos, underwear, not still friends and she tells him that or writes an e mail in your presence

TOTAL TRANSPARENCY- she provides you with all and any passwords on any apps that she has, including the information she used to make the hotel reservation , and you verify it is CANCELLED with your own eyes. You also do as others have told you and cancel the credit card she used . It appears her loverboy is a broke worthless idiot so making her unfounded for any trips out of town is imperative.

COMMMITMENT- she does not resist anything here with gthe way she treated you, openly flaunting what she was doing and telling you she needed to see if there was anything there with OM. Not even being secretive was a double dose of disrespect fueled by your paralysis. My guess is she is going to feel by simply stating that she is not going that this all should now be over with with no consequences. You need to show her otherwise and make it clear you do not trust her now as far as you can throw her.

 

And lastly, you need to tell her that you will not stop the divorce process until she passes a polygraph at some future point before divorce is final verifying that she has not still been in communication with him or seen him in person.

 

Jurassic, you better not forget that only a few hours ago she was telling this OM what she was going to do with him for the week end. If you read the literature, you will find that WW who RESIST the above are much more likely to cheat again or frestart the affair. And remember another thing. If this OM had not been such a loser and had been local and had a job she would have been banging him regularly since you posted, and you may not be so lucky the next time. And if you do not play this better than so far, there will certainly be a next time, and it will not be less painful.

 

Lastly, forget her parents. Yes they are pissed off at her but you can also count on the fact that they eventually would have taken her side and that blood is thicker than your relationship with them. And they are now going to press you to rugsweep because they do not want their grandchilds or children's life disrupted.

 

Notice I have not mentioned that's you must divorce her. Personally, I could never get over what she did and the way she did it but that is not up to me or anyone else posting here. But you I know are going to give her a chance unless she totally reverses her last statement. But you need to do it wit5h the divorce filing still intact to make it clear there is no room for her to screw up. Then you will find out hnow serious she is IF you do what has been outlined above.

 

I hope you next post does not indicate another change in her actions.

[JamesM]

It is an online affair so far. Your marriage is redeemable. Don't be rahsh while in such an emotional state.

[Dark-Farmer]

She texted me that she's not going to go and she's sorry. She "cant stand the idea of us divorcing" I said if she wants our marriage she better start acting a loyal wife and I will not tolerate her bs anymore.

 

Jurassic thumbs up but everyone is right you have to keep on the path. If she wants to reconsile make her prove it to you. reconciliation is your choice!!! remember that. She betrayed you.

 

If you haven't gone home yet I wouldn't. Tell her she is in an affair and that you wont return and divorce will proceed till she ends it. That there will be no contact and she have to write a no contact letter immediately and send it with you present.

 

second step is she become an open book till she regains your trust. No passwords and you get to see her phone, email ... everything whenever you deem neccesary. Make sure she know your not asking, this is a condition if she want to stay married!

 

You have to make sure she know she lost your trust. I would say those word "You broke my trust, i don't trust you and you need to earn it back"

 

Also I'd still ABSOLUTELY cancel her credit card if you can. You may have to get another one later or what ever but very small price to pay to make sure she is not paying for a hotel with your money.

 

Hang in there and stay strong!!!

[Dark-Farmer]

It is an online affair so far. Your marriage is redeemable. Don't be rahsh while in such an emotional state.

 

I agree and disagree. Redeemable, but extremely serious. She was mere inches away from meeting and sleeping with another man.

 

Online now-a-days is not much different in my opinion than walking in to a coffee shop and finding you wife on a date with someone else. Because online (as in OP's cause) could be inches away from physical.

 

With online hook up sites people click a profile have a few quick messages and are sleeping together the same evening. It's all about intent.

[whichwayisup]

This affair is just as damaging. The real problem is, she doesn't know this OM at all and her mind has filled in the gaps, fantasy and perfection has taken over and has fed her feelings for him. THAT is what makes it dangerous, those feelings and how for her to rid of them since most of it is in her head. If that makes sense..

[starpower]

She's just trying to string you along, make sure you're there as a backup. If she goes, 100% they will be having sex, as you know yourself they will.

 

Do not be that back-up. Make it clear she has already crossed the line.

 

Arrange a talk with her, a serious one with no-one around. Tell her the gravity of the situation, of what she has doing, do not let her interupt with any BS and turn this around on you. Make it clear it is her that is walking away from this marriage and not you.

 

Then tell her if she does not cease all contact with this person right there and then and conforms to all the conditions you set out, the relationship is completely over and of her own making.

 

Then its down to you to be strong and follow through. Do not let her manipulate you and turn this back on you. Say your peace, write down if you have to and read it to her, be strong and firm.

 

I get the feeling that she feels that what she has been doing and will be doing, she can talk you round eventually. Don't be that person.

[fenix]

Just think about your wife reactions when you show her that you are not taking her bull****... if you show her that you are not a doormat she will respect you, if you show her that you are a crying boy who is dependent on her she will abuse her.

Don't scream to her, don't call her names, don't beg her or tell her that you love her just be cold and distant. Let her seen that she is losing you and you will see the magic working.

[Cephalopod]

However it pans out you should file for divorce anyway. Your wife has shown unashamed and cruel intent to deliberately hurt you in the worst way.

 

I for one could never get over it. I doubt you will either. She's daring you to try and stop her from sleeping with another man. Is she kidding? This woman is in so deep over her head it is pitiful.

 

Get lawyered up and file. If she does eventually stop and pull her head out of her ass you will be leaps and bounds ahead of her, and then she will have to chase you.

[waterwoman]

What I find most unforgivable is the utter contempt she has shown for you and your marriage, and the indifference to the hurt she was causing.

[WilyWill]

It's great that she's decided not to sleep with him and wants to work on your marriage.

 

But honestly, will you ever be able to get over the bizarre behavior? She was looking to sleep with another man and, from your description, it seemed like she was casual about it. Where most women would be an emotional wreck about such a major upheaval in one's life, she was just coldly committed to destroying her entire marriage. When will this happen again? Next month? Next year?

[fenix]

However it pans out you should file for divorce anyway. Your wife has shown unashamed and cruel intent to deliberately hurt you in the worst way.

 

I for one could never get over it. I doubt you will either. She's daring you to try and stop her from sleeping with another man. Is she kidding? This woman is in so deep over her head it is pitiful.

 

Get lawyered up and file. If she does eventually stop and pull her head out of her ass you will be leaps and bounds ahead of her, and then she will have to chase you.

 

I don't know if he should divorce her or not, I think that is more of OP's call but I agree that his wife has been utterly disrespectful with him. I think (people often surprise themselves when they are in such a situation doing things they never thought they would do) that I also would divorce her but if I would not chose to divorce her immediately I would make sure to regain her respect by not allowing any further disrespect.

OP, your wife has very little respect for you, she has the idea that you are not strong enough to confront her and make decisions that will stop her to get her selfish needs covered... you need to shake her up by:

 

a) Exposing her to her family and yours

b) Keep filing divorce till she stops all contact with that guy (and I mean all contact!) and starts acting like a wife and mother who is sorry for her behavior and starts doing all the necessary to repair the damage she has caused.

c) Start working on myself, having hobbies and social life that doesn't includes her (showing independence)

 

Good luck!

[JamesM]

I agree and disagree. Redeemable, but extremely serious. She was mere inches away from meeting and sleeping with another man.

 

Yes, but she hasn't yet. And to say that it is the same is incorrect.

 

Intent does make it serious, but it is not the same as action.

 

And because of that, calls for divorce are not only early but unnecessary yet.

 

The OP is in a huge emotional upheaval. Doing something rash now may be very much regretted later.

 

Seek counseling, Jurassic. Work through the anger. Communicate and find out what is going on. Her reaction and comments after being found out are also being made in anger and panic. Just as your thoughts and emotions are all confused, so are hers.

 

Let calmer heads prevail and work through this. Time will tell if this marriage can be saved. Kicking her out now make ruin a very good future for both of you and the family.

[aliveagain]

Maybe I am wrong but it really sounds like she has some kind of hate on for you and this other man was her way of getting back at you. She was so in your face because she wanted you to hurt. Perhaps you can bring this theory up in counselling.