She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[BluesPower]

Of course it is OP's decision...

 

I don't know if JamesM and some of the other posters have ever suffered from infidelity, maybe you have.

 

But from where I sit, this situation is as bad as it ever gets with out it becoming physical. And what do you guys think would have happened if OP had not dug around a little or this loser was local? Do you think she would not be banging him every chance she got?

 

No, I completely disagree about the divorce. At the very least, leave it as an active process where she has to sign papers when she is served. I believe that this one is divorce worthy for what she has put OP through already, but that is my opinion.

 

There is no way OP can begin to trust her in any way based on her previous behavior.

 

I say stay the course and see what happens in the next few months...

[merrmeade]

Yes, but she hasn't yet. And to say that it is the same is incorrect.

 

Intent does make it serious, but it is not the same as action.

 

And because of that, calls for divorce are not only early but unnecessary yet.

 

The OP is in a huge emotional upheaval. Doing something rash now may be very much regretted later.

 

Seek counseling, Jurassic. Work through the anger. Communicate and find out what is going on. Her reaction and comments after being found out are also being made in anger and panic. Just as your thoughts and emotions are all confused, so are hers.

 

Let calmer heads prevail and work through this. Time will tell if this marriage can be saved. Kicking her out now make ruin a very good future for both of you and the family.

I think I agree with waiting and respect James for being the sole voice in this arena. But for me, it's more about the huge gaps in the narrative vs everybody's behavior.

 

For OP, the whole thing “came out of left field” as he insists that he, their friends, parents, everyone saw them as having “a good marriage before this.”

 

But your wife has been singularly unrepentant, even challenging. "In denial" says it all. She tries to blame you and has no shame about it, face timing with the kids around and aggressively flaunting the affair in your face. You at least recognizes she has some resentment but no clue why, while she acts like you SHOULD know why. She makes blatant comparisons with the online guy about showing her attention, treating her "like a man should" even claiming that the other guy "actually" loves her.

 

Lots of wayward spouses are clueless in some of these ways - angry about the snooping or exposing - but not many have such warped perspectives in so many ways along with being so bold and in-your-face about the affair and the BS's response.

 

So what explains it? I don't have a theory, just a feeling that the whole narrative isn't syncing. I mean, IS there information missing, Jurassic? Because otherwise, either

(a) she’s suddenly developed a personality disorder and convinced herself that you mistreat or ignore her, justifying her pursuit of love and affection elsewhere;

(b) she’s lying and pretending it’s all your fault so she won’t look bad—as we've been assuming;

© you're completely clueless about how she feels;

(d) you forgot to mention to us some neglect (or worse) in your interactions.

[fenix]

I think I agree with waiting and respect James for being the sole voice in this arena. But for me, it's more about the huge gaps in the narrative vs everybody's behavior.

 

For OP, the whole thing “came out of left field” as he insists that he, their friends, parents, everyone saw them as having “a good marriage before this.”

 

But your wife has been singularly unrepentant, even challenging. "In denial" says it all. She tries to blame you and has no shame about it, face timing with the kids around and aggressively flaunting the affair in your face. You at least recognizes she has some resentment but no clue why, while she acts like you SHOULD know why. She makes blatant comparisons with the online guy about showing her attention, treating her "like a man should" even claiming that the other guy "actually" loves her.

 

Lots of wayward spouses are clueless in some of these ways - angry about the snooping or exposing - but not many have such warped perspectives in so many ways along with being so bold and in-your-face about the affair and the BS's response.

 

So what explains it? I don't have a theory, just a feeling that the whole narrative isn't syncing. I mean, IS there information missing, Jurassic? Because otherwise, either

(a) she’s suddenly developed a personality disorder and convinced herself that you mistreat or ignore her, justifying her pursuit of love and affection elsewhere;

(b) she’s lying and pretending it’s all your fault so she won’t look bad—as we've been assuming;

© you're completely clueless about how she feels;

(d) you forgot to mention to us some neglect (or worse) in your interactions.

 

.... why would you assume that her behaviour has to be a reaction for which OP's is at fault? I am not at OP's home and I don't know what is a normal day in their life but his wife's behaviour is not acceptable under any circumstances... if you feel neglected, if your husband/wife doesn't change a behaviour that makes you unhappy then you divorce him... Cheating on someone in the way this woman has done it, with the lack of respect and sensibility for the pain she was causing doesn't have any explanation.

 

If the roles were reversed and OP was a woman and her husband would behave in the way OP's wife is behaving someone would have called that behaviour for what it is... abuse! Obviously OP's wife knows the roles in the marriage and she knows OP is codependent and she is doing what she is doing because she thinks that she can do it and get away with it. She needs to experience consequences or this will be just a beginning of a long, long list of abuses.

[JamesM]

 

I don't know if JamesM and some of the other posters have ever suffered from infidelity, maybe you have.

 

I have not suffered from infidelity nor have I been the OM.

 

But from where I sit, this situation is as bad as it ever gets with out it becoming physical.

 

Could be, but using that logic, we would be putting alot of people in prison for thinking or planning a murder but never following through.

 

And what do you guys think would have happened if OP had not dug around a little or this loser was local? Do you think she would not be banging him every chance she got?

 

 

Since you nor I can read minds, we can only guess. Still, if it had, marriages can be reconciled if both are willing to work on it.

 

Based on the posts of Jurassic, I can say that his emotions are overruling his logic right now. Choosing divorce right now and assuming she will never change may be the worst decision he could make at this point..until he has calmed down and completely understood the situation.

[merrmeade]

Yes, but she hasn't yet. And to say that it is the same is incorrect.

 

Intent does make it serious, but it is not the same as action.

 

And because of that, calls for divorce are not only early but unnecessary yet.

 

The OP is in a huge emotional upheaval. Doing something rash now may be very much regretted later.

 

Seek counseling, Jurassic. Work through the anger. Communicate and find out what is going on. Her reaction and comments after being found out are also being made in anger and panic. Just as your thoughts and emotions are all confused, so are hers.

 

Let calmer heads prevail and work through this. Time will tell if this marriage can be saved. Kicking her out now make ruin a very good future for both of you and the family.

I think I agree with waiting and respect James for being the sole voice in this arena. But for me, it's more about the huge gaps in the narrative vs everybody's behavior.

 

For OP, the whole thing “came out of left field” as he insists that he, their friends, parents, everyone saw them as having “a good marriage before this.”

 

But your wife has been singularly unrepentant, even challenging. "In denial" says it all. She tries to blame you and has no shame about it, face timing with the kids around and aggressively flaunting the affair in your face. You at least recognize she has some resentment yet no clue why, while she acts like you SHOULD know why. She makes blatant comparisons with the online guy about showing her attention, treating her "like a man should" even claiming that the other guy "actually" loves her—and implying that you don’t.

 

Lots of wayward spouses are clueless in some of these ways - angry about the snooping or exposing - but they don’t often claim such extreme perspectives or act so boldly and in-your-face about the affair or so shocked at the response of the BS. I will say, however, that my sister-in-law (husband’s OW) was a bit like this and what she seemed to believe, truly bizarre. I conjecture it was so that she could live with herself. Otherwise what explains it? I don't have more theories, just a feeling that the whole narrative isn't syncing.

 

So either…

(a) her behavior is so abhorrent that she’s suddenly developed a personality disorder and believes you mistreat or ignore her, thus justifying her pursuit of love and affection elsewhere;

(b) she’s a sociopath, as I said before, lying and pretending it’s all your fault so she won’t look bad;

© you're generally just completely clueless about how she feels;

(d) you forgot to mention to us some neglect (or worse) on your part in the past; or

(e) it’s a combination of (a) and ©, making everything seem more bizarre than maybe it is.

Whichever it is, counseling might help get reality clearer for everyone.

[JamesM]

So what explains it? I don't have a theory, just a feeling that the whole narrative isn't syncing. I mean, IS there information missing, Jurassic? Because otherwise, either

(a) she’s suddenly developed a personality disorder and convinced herself that you mistreat or ignore her, justifying her pursuit of love and affection elsewhere;

(b) she’s lying and pretending it’s all your fault so she won’t look bad—as we've been assuming;

© you're completely clueless about how she feels;

(d) you forgot to mention to us some neglect (or worse) in your interactions.

 

Agree.

 

Having been on LS for a couple of years, I have learned a few things. People tell us what seems most important TO THEM when they are confronted with an emotional situation. They also (and I include myself) conveniently forget things that do not fit the picture as they see it at the moment. In time, as we question and discuss with the OP, we begin to find out more and more. And often the new information changes our feedback to the OP. Also, we rarely have the other person's view. And we all know that in marriage/relationships, there is his truth, her truth and THE truth.

 

I do not think anyone ever intends to lie or forget to give information that would help. It is just that emotions cloud our memories and judgment.

 

The views given to the OP are based SOLELY on the information he chooses to give AND on the experiences one has had. He may have not forgotten any valuable information, but based on past posters (and yes, myself), he probably has. Discovering an affair is one of the most traumatic events in anyone's life. And if we ourselves have been a part of infidelity whether the perpetrator or victim, this will color how WE view the info given too.

 

So again, sit back, get some objective outside help in real life. Take some of what has been said here, and forget the rest. Get counseling and see how hopeless or not hopeless the situation is before doing anything too rashly.

Edited March 1, 2017 by JamesM

[fenix]

Agree.

 

Having been on LS for a couple of years, I have learned a few things. People tell us what seems most important TO THEM when they are confronted with an emotional situation. They also (and I include myself) conveniently forget things that do not fit the picture as they see it at the moment. In time, as we question and discuss with the OP, we begin to find out more and more. And often the new information changes our feedback to the OP. Also, we rarely have the other person's view. And we all know that in marriage/relationships, there is his truth, her truth and THE truth.

 

I do not think anyone ever intends to lie or forget to give information that would help. It is just that emotions cloud our memories and judgment.

 

The views given to the OP are based SOLELY on the information he chooses to give AND on the experiences one has had. He may have not forgotten any valuable information, but based on past posters (and yes, myself), he probably has. Discovering an affair is one of the most traumatic events in anyone's life. And if we ourselves have been a part of infidelity whether the perpetrator or victim, this will color how WE view the info given too.

 

So again, sit back, get some objective outside help in real life. Take some of what has been said here, and forget the rest. Get counseling and see how hopeless or not hopeless the situation is before doing anything too rashly.

 

So you decide to give advise on the information that he doesn't share?

You can give advise given the facts you know... giving advise base on your own assumptions is making up your own story. Maybe you should start a post "the things that jurasic is not telling us"

 

By the way, you don't need to have sex to be in an affair... OP's wife is in a full blown affair and comparing a person in a Emotional affair with someone who only thinks about doing something is a mistake, OP's wife is not thinking about having an affair...IS in one emotional affair and is thinking about making that one a physical affair. You seem to think that just because she didn't have sex everything is ok and no... IT IS NOT OK to cheat in your spouse and to treat him in the way OP has been treated.

Edited March 1, 2017 by fenix

[JamesM]

So you decide to give advise on the information that he doesn't share?

 

No, I said (which I am sure you noticed) that we should be sure we have all of the information and quite often as the story unfolds we get more. Since we are more rational than Jurassic, we should ask questions and get all of the "facts."

 

You can give advise given the facts you know... giving advise base on your own assumptions is making up your own story.

 

We have facts as given to us by on e person so far who is in a very emotional state (understandably so). I am not giving any advice based on my own assumptions, unless assuming there is more to know is what you mean. And looking at the advice given on this thread, much is given based on each person's interpretation of the facts so far.

 

By the way, you don't need to have sex to be in an affair...

 

Agree.

 

OP's wife is in a full blown affair and comparing a person in a Emotional affair with someone who only thinks about doing something is a mistake,

 

Technically, a full blown affair would be physical and emotional. This is by some people's definition an emotional affair.

 

OP's wife is not thinking about having an affair...IS in one emotional affair and is thinking about making that one a physical affair.

 

Point taken. Mine is that until we know more, this is not enough to blow a family apart. Remember Jurassic was thinking of getting STD testing because his wife is in an online affair. This indicates to me that he is emotionally distraught and may need some time to calm down before making a rash decision. If he is assuming more than happened, then he should stand back and get some help from someone who can help him reason this through.

 

You seem to think that just because she didn't have sex everything is ok

 

Speaking of assumptions! No, I did not say that. No, I don't think that.

 

and no... IT IS NOT OK to cheat in your spouse and to treat him in the way OP has been treated.

 

Agree, no need for capitals, BUT this relationship can possibly be fixed. And to blow it up at this point may be something he will regret in the near future. However, if he waits and makes a decision, which may or may not be divorce, when he calms down and gets some outside help, then he may be able to look back and know he made the right decision. If he does it now while under an emotional cloud, then he may wonder when looking back if things could have been done differently. If the two of them both calm down then this war of words may simply be shown to be a war of words.

 

People say alot of stupid stuff when they are emotionally upset that they regret later after they calm down. Based on Jurassic's words, I see that both of them seem to be doing this.

 

Again, give this some time and get some counseling. Seek out the counselor before spending money on a lawyer.

[BluesPower]

James, I do appreciate your opinions, and you make some really sound posts.

 

However, while I hope that infidelity or worse never touches your life, I just could not disagree more with your views on this one.

 

This is honestly about as bad as it ever gets without a physical component. Short of her suddenly developing a personality disorder or she turns out to be manic or one of the variations, I am not sure that most people could come back from this. I would not and I have reconciled for adultery before.

 

Maybe OP can, maybe his wife will come to her senses, maybe she can get out of this crazy place she is in, maybe.

 

But leaving the divorce on the table and active does not hurt anyone and it only helps OP in the long run.

 

Just MHO...

[JamesM]

James, I do appreciate your opinions, and you make some really sound posts.

 

However, while I hope that infidelity or worse never touches your life, I just could not disagree more with your views on this one.

 

 

Thank you, and I have respected yours even though we often disagree.

 

But what is my opinion?

 

Wait to make a decision. Do not assume this is broken irreconcilably.

 

Time will tell.

[TrustedthenBusted]

If you really want to wake her up, see an attorney on Monday and file for divorce. You can stop the process at any point. Do you have kids? If so, buy a paternity testing kit and let her watch as you swab their cheeks for DNA. Even if you're 100% certain that the kids are yours, it's a valuable exercise for her to understand the consequences of infidelity and the permanent loss of trust.

 

 

Totally Agree.

 

I swabbed my kids just to see the look on my wife's face. To see if she had any doubts whatsoever.

 

She didn't. She was just insulted by the act. But that was fine with me at the time. Almost an ancillary benefit.

 

Yeah, she'll eat as much cake as you let her. Time to close the bakery.

[Friskyone4u]

Thank you, and I have respected yours even though we often disagree.

 

But what is my opinion?

 

Wait to make a decision. Do not assume this is broken irreconcilably.

 

Time will tell.

 

Its not broken for sure but it sure is if she does not comply with his expectations.

 

If she resists NC, breaks it, hides apps or e mails, and does not make herself totally transparent it sure is irreconcilable.

[WilyWill]

I'm not buying the murder analogy. Certainly we cannot put someone in jail for a murder that has not yet happened. But if they were headed out the door holding a knife in their hand, we'd at least have to acknowledge the possibility that they were off-balance and needed a psychiatrist.

 

Jurassic's wife was in a full-blown EA and headed out the door. When questioned, she barely understood that anything was wrong with what she was doing. This is serious stuff. Reconciliation will be almost as hard as if if was a full-blown affair, and that's really the only relevant question here.

[JamesM]

Looking at the title, I see a man "heartbroken and emotionally drained."

 

To me that is a man who is not in a position to make any rash decisions without some objective expert advice.

 

Much as I admire and respect many people, here, I don't think we qualify for that position.

 

Marriages have come back from all types of affairs when BOTH partners commit to rebuilding and reconciling.

 

Is it possible? What I think isn't relevant.

 

Sit down with a counselor and work through this all. Then make a decision.

[Jurassic12]

She's not a stay at home mom but she works from home. Basically there is nothing that has happened unfortunately. She still hasn't started NC and still can't decide if she's going. I'm just devastated,

 

I said if she goes to her boyfriend there's no way we're going to renconcile. She said "she wishes she didnt feel like this". It's just all about her in her mind which kills me.

 

I am moving forward regardless. I WILL NOT be someone who stays with his wife after she takes a lustful weekend getaway with her lover.

 

She has been manipulating me, almost to the fact where I believe she said she wouldn't sleep with him. I've accepted that she has every intention of making this affair physical.

[Marc878]

You have no boundaries. Establish some.

 

Letting that go on in front of you and your kids will be taken as weak to her and really tells her she can do as she pleases.

 

It's ok to sext have and EA as long as you don't go see him?

 

Being Mr Nice Guy is getting you stomped on.

 

Why would she stop?

 

When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired maybe you'll complete standing up for yourself.

 

You started now finish it!!!!!

[oldshirt]

I'm not buying the murder analogy. Certainly we cannot put someone in jail for a murder that has not yet happened. But if they were headed out the door holding a knife in their hand, we'd at least have to acknowledge the possibility that they were off-balance and needed a psychiatrist.

 

Jurassic's wife was in a full-blown EA and headed out the door. When questioned, she barely understood that anything was wrong with what she was doing. This is serious stuff. Reconciliation will be almost as hard as if if was a full-blown affair, and that's really the only relevant question here.

 

Conspiracy to commit murder is a crime punishable by imprisonment. It may not carry the same sentance as the actual murder, but it is considered a felony in and of itself.

 

Intent and planning is an offense.

[BuddyX]

You're her freaking husband. Keep repeating the following to her "I will not be your sometimes"

[Jurassic12]

I asked her who does she choose because I am going to move on. She said she chooses me. I told her as long as she still talks to him I will assume she has chosen him and I am going to move on. She then asked to go to counseling, I told her what do you not understand, I am not going to counseling while you're still having an affair. Knock it off or just leave the house and I will continue with divorce. Me and the kids will be better without you pulling this cruel bull****.

[BluesPower]

Keep it up...

 

I knew she would back track on what she said earlier.

 

Have the papers been filed yet? Can you get her served by Friday?

 

Is she does this or even just continues the affair online, you have no choice but to divorce her, at this point I would anyhow.

 

You have got to say strong for your child. You don't want your child being raised around a woman like this.

 

Hang in there and be strong...

[WomenWubber]

Have you exposed the affair to family, friends, etc? You need to expose if you want to kill the affair and have a chance to reconcile with your wife.

[BuddyX]

In the face of loosing everything your wife still wants to keep contact with the OM. SMH. The Fog is deep with this one.

[Marc878]

I asked her who does she choose because I am going to move on. She said she chooses me. I told her as long as she still talks to him I will assume she has chosen him and I am going to move on. She then asked to go to counseling, I told her what do you not understand, I am not going to counseling while you're still having an affair. Knock it off or just leave the house and I will continue with divorce. Me and the kids will be better without you pulling this cruel bull****.

 

Nice job!!!!

[whichwayisup]

She's not a stay at home mom but she works from home. Basically there is nothing that has happened unfortunately. She still hasn't started NC and still can't decide if she's going. I'm just devastated,

 

So basically the A is still on going, only difference is, she's not going to meet him. You need to tell her she still has to move out as long as she's in contact with him. Anything short of that just gives her total power and control. There's no point in even talking to her or trying to fix your marriage, to give her a chance to prove herself trustworthy since she's not even ending her online affair. Tell her to pack a bag and GO stay with her parents!! I know this is hard and hellish on you but having her continue to live in the house and do as she pleases is worse.

 

I said if she goes to her boyfriend there's no way we're going to renconcile. She said "she wishes she didnt feel like this". It's just all about her in her mind which kills me.

 

Yet she's not even willing to stop contact and admit what she's done is wrong or get counseling.

I am moving forward regardless. I WILL NOT be someone who stays with his wife after she takes a lustful weekend getaway with her lover.

Good! Still go talk to your lawyer. The visit she had planned is just on hold, I'm betting she will still go meet him but lie about it to you. She still is NOT the woman you married and until she rids of this OM, no point in even talking to her.

 

She has been manipulating me, almost to the fact where I believe she said she wouldn't sleep with him. I've accepted that she has every intention of making this affair physical.

 

You can't believe one word out of her mouth.

 

Next step, please tell her to get out and go to the OM or to her parents, that shes no longer welcome in the house as long as she is in contact with OM.

[whichwayisup]

I asked her who does she choose because I am going to move on. She said she chooses me. I told her as long as she still talks to him I will assume she has chosen him and I am going to move on. She then asked to go to counseling, I told her what do you not understand, I am not going to counseling while you're still having an affair. Knock it off or just leave the house and I will continue with divorce. Me and the kids will be better without you pulling this cruel bull****.

 

After reading this, regardless if she immediately ends the A or not, kick her out. If she ends it and stays with you, she'll be sneaky and still find a way to talk to the OM.

 

She needs to see what life will be like without you in it, without the comforts of her home life, you and the kids.

 

Stop saying "Or will continue with the divorce.." FILE FOR DIVORCE anyway. your threats to her and just that and she knows it. She doesn't think you have the balls to actually follow through.