She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[oldshirt]

I'm not buying the murder analogy. Certainly we cannot put someone in jail for a murder that has not yet happened. But if they were headed out the door holding a knife in their hand, we'd at least have to acknowledge the possibility that they were off-balance and needed a psychiatrist.

 

Jurassic's wife was in a full-blown EA and headed out the door. When questioned, she barely understood that anything was wrong with what she was doing. This is serious stuff. Reconciliation will be almost as hard as if if was a full-blown affair, and that's really the only relevant question here.

 

Conspiracy to commit murder is a crime punishable by imprisonment. It may not carry the same sentance as the actual murder, but it is considered a felony in and of itself.

 

Intent and planning is an offense.

[BuddyX]

You're her freaking husband. Keep repeating the following to her "I will not be your sometimes"

[Jurassic12]

I asked her who does she choose because I am going to move on. She said she chooses me. I told her as long as she still talks to him I will assume she has chosen him and I am going to move on. She then asked to go to counseling, I told her what do you not understand, I am not going to counseling while you're still having an affair. Knock it off or just leave the house and I will continue with divorce. Me and the kids will be better without you pulling this cruel bull****.

[BluesPower]

Keep it up...

 

I knew she would back track on what she said earlier.

 

Have the papers been filed yet? Can you get her served by Friday?

 

Is she does this or even just continues the affair online, you have no choice but to divorce her, at this point I would anyhow.

 

You have got to say strong for your child. You don't want your child being raised around a woman like this.

 

Hang in there and be strong...

[WomenWubber]

Have you exposed the affair to family, friends, etc? You need to expose if you want to kill the affair and have a chance to reconcile with your wife.

[S2B]

I would file and serve her. She has a LOT to prove IF you decide to resume the marriage she's. are a sham out of.

 

Expose to all friends and family. She needs a reality check really quick.

 

 

 

 

And set up cameras in the house that have audio - you need to know what she's doing when you're not there!

[BuddyX]

In the face of loosing everything your wife still wants to keep contact with the OM. SMH. The Fog is deep with this one.

[Marc878]

I asked her who does she choose because I am going to move on. She said she chooses me. I told her as long as she still talks to him I will assume she has chosen him and I am going to move on. She then asked to go to counseling, I told her what do you not understand, I am not going to counseling while you're still having an affair. Knock it off or just leave the house and I will continue with divorce. Me and the kids will be better without you pulling this cruel bull****.

 

Nice job!!!!

[S2B]

Your wife doesn't respect you.

 

She had you pegged for her doormat.

 

You'll need to stay the corse long term to prove that you're not because she thinks her quick lip service will be enough to get you back into your submissive position.

[whichwayisup]

She's not a stay at home mom but she works from home. Basically there is nothing that has happened unfortunately. She still hasn't started NC and still can't decide if she's going. I'm just devastated,

 

So basically the A is still on going, only difference is, she's not going to meet him. You need to tell her she still has to move out as long as she's in contact with him. Anything short of that just gives her total power and control. There's no point in even talking to her or trying to fix your marriage, to give her a chance to prove herself trustworthy since she's not even ending her online affair. Tell her to pack a bag and GO stay with her parents!! I know this is hard and hellish on you but having her continue to live in the house and do as she pleases is worse.

 

I said if she goes to her boyfriend there's no way we're going to renconcile. She said "she wishes she didnt feel like this". It's just all about her in her mind which kills me.

 

Yet she's not even willing to stop contact and admit what she's done is wrong or get counseling.

I am moving forward regardless. I WILL NOT be someone who stays with his wife after she takes a lustful weekend getaway with her lover.

Good! Still go talk to your lawyer. The visit she had planned is just on hold, I'm betting she will still go meet him but lie about it to you. She still is NOT the woman you married and until she rids of this OM, no point in even talking to her.

 

She has been manipulating me, almost to the fact where I believe she said she wouldn't sleep with him. I've accepted that she has every intention of making this affair physical.

 

You can't believe one word out of her mouth.

 

Next step, please tell her to get out and go to the OM or to her parents, that shes no longer welcome in the house as long as she is in contact with OM.

[whichwayisup]

I asked her who does she choose because I am going to move on. She said she chooses me. I told her as long as she still talks to him I will assume she has chosen him and I am going to move on. She then asked to go to counseling, I told her what do you not understand, I am not going to counseling while you're still having an affair. Knock it off or just leave the house and I will continue with divorce. Me and the kids will be better without you pulling this cruel bull****.

 

After reading this, regardless if she immediately ends the A or not, kick her out. If she ends it and stays with you, she'll be sneaky and still find a way to talk to the OM.

 

She needs to see what life will be like without you in it, without the comforts of her home life, you and the kids.

 

Stop saying "Or will continue with the divorce.." FILE FOR DIVORCE anyway. your threats to her and just that and she knows it. She doesn't think you have the balls to actually follow through.

[aliveagain]

Friend, you have told her your boundaries, she knows what the consequences are if she breaks them, that's all you can do. You can not force her to stay or be faithful. Document everything including any monies she has spent on the hotel and trip, these can be deducted from her side of the settlement if you split. This is sounding more like some sort of a breakdown, is she on any kind of medication? Does any bipolar type of disorders run in her family? Honour the consequence of your ultimatum or she will never take anything you threaten seriously again.

[HeCantBreakMe]

After reading this, regardless if she immediately ends the A or not, kick her out. If she ends it and stays with you, she'll be sneaky and still find a way to talk to the OM.

 

She needs to see what life will be like without you in it, without the comforts of her home life, you and the kids.

 

Stop saying "Or will continue with the divorce.." FILE FOR DIVORCE anyway. your threats to her and just that and she knows it. She doesn't think you have the balls to actually follow through.

 

How can you kick someone out of their own house? Not saying this is right or wrong I just don't see how (aside from asking her to leave) you can kick her out? If he asks her to move out and she says no- then I cannot imagine he can physically remove her from the home.

[Dark-Farmer]

She texted me that she's not going to go and she's sorry. She "cant stand the idea of us divorcing" I said if she wants our marriage she better start acting a loyal wife and I will not tolerate her bs anymore.

 

So when you showed action she said this. Then after she said this you probably lowered your guard a bit and now she's right back to I don't know if I'm going or not ...

 

Escalate man!!! I'd rent a hotel or go to your parents. or something. She is subconsciously thinks your "it's over if you go" is an empty threat because you show signs of wanting to reconcile. And the less you escalate the more likely she will be calling your bluff.

 

I remember back, many posts now, that she was saying it won't get physical but you had access to her messages and she was saying the opposite to OM things like "she's going to rock his world" I think it's time to play that card!

 

I'd send he a message saying I've read your messages. I know full well you're not meeting him to "feel things out" you are planning on "rocking his world" and taking your affair physical. Say divorce is proceeding and I won't be staying there to be a part of it. And my next step is to make sure our kids won't be apart of it either.

 

Don't even say unless you do this and that till she's begging for you to come back. It'll only show weakness for her to exploit

[Dark-Farmer]

How can you kick someone out of their own house? Not saying this is right or wrong I just don't see how (aside from asking her to leave) you can kick her out? If he asks her to move out and she says no- then I cannot imagine he can physically remove her from the home.

 

You maybe right. I think there needs to be an ultimatum maybe.

I'd consider saying "I don't think this affair is healthy for our children. It doesn't help you are being so open about it and face timing OM in front of them. I want you to leave to you parents or I can take the kids to mine. But it's probably better if the kid stay here"

 

Let her decide ... Just an idea

[JS84]

I think you need to stop making threats and giving ultimatums because at this point it's starting to make you look weak. She knows where you stand on the issue as it sounds like you've told her plenty of times. Repeating yourself over and over again isn't going to change anything.

 

Actions will always speak louder than words, and you've done more than enough talking. Let the divorce papers and a lawyer do your talking for you from now on.

 

Any conversations with her need to pertain to the divorce, finances, or children (forgot if any are involved in your situation). And it would be even better if you could communicate primarily through text or email as much as possible so you can get your conversations in writing. Your lawyer might be able to use some of what she says to your benefit.

 

If your wife goes to meet this guy, don't say one word about it. Just accept the situation for what it is and continue to proceed with the divorce (which you should be doing anyway regardless).

 

Now if your wife starts to show through ACTIONS (again not words) that she wants to work on the marriage, then you can THINK about opening the door for reconciliation.

 

But stop basically telling her the door is already open and waiting for her if she decides to change her mind and behavior. She really needs to start feeling some consequences from you and accept the reality she's facing. Not take you for granted because she knows she has her good old reliable Plan B ready and waiting once she's gotten her jollies off with some other man.

[aliveagain]

It might not be as easy for her to go if your not there to babysit.

[Dark-Farmer]

It might not be as easy for her to go if your not there to babysit.

 

This Jurassic!! I'd leave. It shows your are serious over just telling her.

If she messages you why you aren't there just tell her you can't be there while shes still in an affair.

 

Has she talked to her parents? or is she avoiding them?

[Friskyone4u]

I asked her who does she choose because I am going to move on. She said she chooses me. I told her as long as she still talks to him I will assume she has chosen him and I am going to move on. She then asked to go to counseling, I told her what do you not understand, I am not going to counseling while you're still having an affair. Knock it off or just leave the house and I will continue with divorce. Me and the kids will be better without you pulling this cruel bull****.

 

Jurassic,

 

You are making progress but you still do not get it. So you asked HER to choose, when it is YOU who should choose.

 

Your above post indicates that she has just repeated the same crap about going to therapy while she still has her boyfriend thing going. You have NOT posted that she has agreed to ANYTHING about that. So your response about no therapy was correct.

 

You response should be.

 

"We are getting divorced. and the process will not stop until you can verify for me that you are totally and forever not in contact with this OM again. You can do whatever you want to but no as my wife"

 

 

Jurassic, you are NOT out of infidelity if she is still talking to him. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT???? Right now she is "bargaining" for time with the MC crap. You make an appointment for two weeks from now or next week, does she agree to your conditions??? No indication of that. What she is hoping is that she can buy more time and that some idiot MC ( and some of them are), will tell her that you need to give her time to "gradually" disconnect and grieve the loss of her boyfriend. That is bull ****.!!!

 

Now stop letting your wife CHOOSE . You are in control of your decision, not her

[MickeyBill]

 

Jurassic,

 

You are making progress but you still do not get it. So you asked HER to choose, when it is YOU who should choose.

 

snip

 

Now stop letting your wife CHOOSE . You are in control of your decision, not her

 

On another forum I have heard that you say that you are getting out of infidelity and it is up to her if she wants to accompany you. Either D or R can happen, one of those will. The train is leaving Infidelityville, it's up to her if she's onboard with you.

[JamesM]

If your goal is to end the marriage, then you are on track.

 

If you want to rebuild, then you may want to take a different direction and let her decide with what actions she takes.

 

Reality is...you can threaten and even act, but you can only end the marriage. If you want to rebuild the marriage, then the ball is in her court. Period.

 

She suggested counseling, then go. Saying you won't go unless she is out of the affair or that you will kick her out is not saying to her at all that you are willing to continue the marriage. She knows she has screwed up big time. Her words are simply blustering. She is trying to regain some perceived dignity, even though there is none left to get.

 

It is not weak to accept her suggestion. Call her on it. If she goes to counseling and ignores the recommendations of the counselor, then she chose to end the marriage. If she goes but refuses to quit communicating to the OM, then she chose to end it.

 

If you are worth it, then letting her decide and choose makes it so that later she cannot says she was somehow the victim and wanted to rebuild but you did not.

 

I know. My opinion is a minority. But someone has to add some reason to the situation.

[Imajerk17]

I asked her who does she choose because I am going to move on. She said she chooses me. I told her as long as she still talks to him I will assume she has chosen him and I am going to move on. She then asked to go to counseling, I told her what do you not understand, I am not going to counseling while you're still having an affair. Knock it off or just leave the house and I will continue with divorce. Me and the kids will be better without you pulling this cruel bull****.

 

That she says "she chooses you" while she continues the affair has to be THE most insulting thing EVER. In other words, she is telling you she wants to have her excitement and romance with AP while keeping you on the backburner for financial and societal safety and security. WTF. No regard as to what this is doing to you emotionally. If that isn't saying that she doesn't respect you as a man, then I don't know what else would be.

 

JamesM, I usually like your posts but not this time. You are forgetting:

 

A. Women cannot love a man they cannot respect, and by "putting the ball in her court" after SHE was the one who had the affair and is showing NO remorse for it, Jurassic is being weak--not standing up to his wife.

 

B. It's not just the marriage. Jurassic has to look HIMSELF in the mirror every day. He will have a very tough time of that if takes her back after all she did without her showing some SERIOUS remorse first.

Edited March 2, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Friskyone4u]

t is not weak to accept her suggestion. Call her on it. If she goes to counseling and ignores the recommendations of the counselor, then she chose to end the marriage. If she goes but refuses to quit communicating to the OM, then she chose to end it.

 

Sure is the minority.

 

Jurassic,lets start with this suggestion to run to MC. In case you do not know MC is a totally subjective and the range of opinions is as wide as the ocean. There are some of these like a famous Dr. Hartley that would have recommended that you buy your wife some flowers, and a new outfit to go see OM in so that you would be wooing her back to you, and to just let her have her fun for six months or so. Fortunately, that advice is also in the distinct minority, and even this famous author and "expert" states in his books that very few men can do that successfully.

 

Which leaves you with what the majority and other end of the spectrum will tell you, and that is NO CONTACT start immediately, there are no negotiations on anything to do with Om remaining in her life, and there are no therapist that tell you to allow it.

 

There is still NO STATEMENT from your wife that she is going to immediately end this relationship with OM. She has time and time again refused that demand and just repeated she does not want a divorce and wants to go to MC.

 

All about what she wants.

 

Now buckle your chin strap and play hardball, file for divorce. In two months or so, have her take an unexpected polygraph, and if she passes, THEN you start looking for MC.

 

And if you have the time. Read the stories on here about men who jump right into MC in your circumstances and see what the results are. Pretty lousy.

 

You may save your marriage, but not by letting your wife control the narrative instead of you. She has had multiple opportunities and plenty of tyime to revise her position and has not done it. Until you mentioned divorce, she was packed and ready to go this week end,.

[Dark-Farmer]

It is not weak to accept her suggestion. Call her on it. If she goes to counseling and ignores the recommendations of the counselor, then she chose to end the marriage. If she goes but refuses to quit communicating to the OM, then she chose to end it.

 

So you're saying he should give her time to go screw OM?

Because unless they get an appointment before this weekend that's what will happen ... I just cannot see how that can be a sound approach from any perspective.

 

Everyone is different, but if she went ... that would be a deal breaker to me personally.

 

I personally would not tolerate any physical affair though, I been down that road in the past and personally would rather rebuild than repair that. emotional as long as partner wanted to work on it I would consider. In the past I would have perhaps been more forgiving. But her to go on a weekend sex getaway ... and tell him here watch the kid ... that would be a deal breaker at any stage in my life.

 

I would tell her (even if it was half fib) that no counselor would consider us if you are still actively in an affair because it shows no real interest on her part. Say "yes lets go to counselling 100% but that I have nothing to add till the affair is over."

 

I'd say if you leave this weekend it is 100% a deal breaker for me and our family. Then I would pack a bag and leave for my parents place and say contact me when the affair is over. And let me know if you leave for the weekend so i can get the final draft of divorce papers.

[JamesM]

That she says "she chooses you" while she continues the affair has to be THE most insulting thing EVER. In other words, she is telling you she wants to have her excitement and romance with AP while keeping you on the backburner for financial and societal safety and security. WTF. No regard as to what this is doing to you emotionally. If that isn't saying that she doesn't respect you as a man, then I don't know what else would be.

 

Actually, she didn't make up her mind. Any WS will tell you that the fog confuses the decision making ability when it comes to the AP.

 

JamesM, I usually like your posts but not this time.

 

Thank you.

 

You are forgetting:

 

Actually no.

 

A. Women cannot love a man they cannot respect, and by "putting the ball in her court" after SHE was the one who had the affair and is showing NO remorse for it, Jurassic is being weak--not standing up to his wife.

 

By putting the ball in her court and saying you choose BUT you also choose the consequences, he is not being weak. If she chooses counseling, then she must choose to rebuild which means no OM can be in the picture. If she chooses him, then the OM must go.

 

That is not being weak. He is not begging her to stay. He is allowing her to be the adult who will choose and accept the consequences.

 

A parent says to his child, "This is my house and you will do this or else."

 

An adult says to another, "You screwed up. Now you decide if you want to go forward with me or not. I can leave but I cannot go forward without you in this marriage. You have to decide if WE are worth it. If we are not, then it is over. If we are and decide counseling as you suggest, then you must commit to US and not you."

 

The big question that has not really been asked or answered (which he may not be able to even answer right now) is: Do you, Jurassic, still love Mrs. Jurassic enough to move forward with her? Do you have enough commitment to ride the roller coaster of a journey that is ahead if you choose to rebuild?

 

B. It's not just the marriage. Jurassic has to look HIMSELF in the mirror every day. He will have a very tough time of that if takes her back after all she did without her showing some SERIOUS remorse first.

 

Yes, he must look at himself and he must be content with his choices, but in a marriage he is not the only person. So this isn't "just" him. A marriage involves two people. She broke the marriage, so he can choose: Rebuild or leave. He cannot rebuild alone. He can leave alone. As for her remorse, I cannot comment on how serious it is. What I can say is that she suggested counseling because some part at the least wants to rebuild the marriage.