She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[aliveagain]

Friend, you have told her your boundaries, she knows what the consequences are if she breaks them, that's all you can do. You can not force her to stay or be faithful. Document everything including any monies she has spent on the hotel and trip, these can be deducted from her side of the settlement if you split. This is sounding more like some sort of a breakdown, is she on any kind of medication? Does any bipolar type of disorders run in her family? Honour the consequence of your ultimatum or she will never take anything you threaten seriously again.

[HeCantBreakMe]

After reading this, regardless if she immediately ends the A or not, kick her out. If she ends it and stays with you, she'll be sneaky and still find a way to talk to the OM.

 

She needs to see what life will be like without you in it, without the comforts of her home life, you and the kids.

 

Stop saying "Or will continue with the divorce.." FILE FOR DIVORCE anyway. your threats to her and just that and she knows it. She doesn't think you have the balls to actually follow through.

 

How can you kick someone out of their own house? Not saying this is right or wrong I just don't see how (aside from asking her to leave) you can kick her out? If he asks her to move out and she says no- then I cannot imagine he can physically remove her from the home.

[Dark-Farmer]

She texted me that she's not going to go and she's sorry. She "cant stand the idea of us divorcing" I said if she wants our marriage she better start acting a loyal wife and I will not tolerate her bs anymore.

 

So when you showed action she said this. Then after she said this you probably lowered your guard a bit and now she's right back to I don't know if I'm going or not ...

 

Escalate man!!! I'd rent a hotel or go to your parents. or something. She is subconsciously thinks your "it's over if you go" is an empty threat because you show signs of wanting to reconcile. And the less you escalate the more likely she will be calling your bluff.

 

I remember back, many posts now, that she was saying it won't get physical but you had access to her messages and she was saying the opposite to OM things like "she's going to rock his world" I think it's time to play that card!

 

I'd send he a message saying I've read your messages. I know full well you're not meeting him to "feel things out" you are planning on "rocking his world" and taking your affair physical. Say divorce is proceeding and I won't be staying there to be a part of it. And my next step is to make sure our kids won't be apart of it either.

 

Don't even say unless you do this and that till she's begging for you to come back. It'll only show weakness for her to exploit

[Dark-Farmer]

How can you kick someone out of their own house? Not saying this is right or wrong I just don't see how (aside from asking her to leave) you can kick her out? If he asks her to move out and she says no- then I cannot imagine he can physically remove her from the home.

 

You maybe right. I think there needs to be an ultimatum maybe.

I'd consider saying "I don't think this affair is healthy for our children. It doesn't help you are being so open about it and face timing OM in front of them. I want you to leave to you parents or I can take the kids to mine. But it's probably better if the kid stay here"

 

Let her decide ... Just an idea

[JS84]

I think you need to stop making threats and giving ultimatums because at this point it's starting to make you look weak. She knows where you stand on the issue as it sounds like you've told her plenty of times. Repeating yourself over and over again isn't going to change anything.

 

Actions will always speak louder than words, and you've done more than enough talking. Let the divorce papers and a lawyer do your talking for you from now on.

 

Any conversations with her need to pertain to the divorce, finances, or children (forgot if any are involved in your situation). And it would be even better if you could communicate primarily through text or email as much as possible so you can get your conversations in writing. Your lawyer might be able to use some of what she says to your benefit.

 

If your wife goes to meet this guy, don't say one word about it. Just accept the situation for what it is and continue to proceed with the divorce (which you should be doing anyway regardless).

 

Now if your wife starts to show through ACTIONS (again not words) that she wants to work on the marriage, then you can THINK about opening the door for reconciliation.

 

But stop basically telling her the door is already open and waiting for her if she decides to change her mind and behavior. She really needs to start feeling some consequences from you and accept the reality she's facing. Not take you for granted because she knows she has her good old reliable Plan B ready and waiting once she's gotten her jollies off with some other man.

[aliveagain]

It might not be as easy for her to go if your not there to babysit.

[Dark-Farmer]

It might not be as easy for her to go if your not there to babysit.

 

This Jurassic!! I'd leave. It shows your are serious over just telling her.

If she messages you why you aren't there just tell her you can't be there while shes still in an affair.

 

Has she talked to her parents? or is she avoiding them?

[Friskyone4u]

I asked her who does she choose because I am going to move on. She said she chooses me. I told her as long as she still talks to him I will assume she has chosen him and I am going to move on. She then asked to go to counseling, I told her what do you not understand, I am not going to counseling while you're still having an affair. Knock it off or just leave the house and I will continue with divorce. Me and the kids will be better without you pulling this cruel bull****.

 

Jurassic,

 

You are making progress but you still do not get it. So you asked HER to choose, when it is YOU who should choose.

 

Your above post indicates that she has just repeated the same crap about going to therapy while she still has her boyfriend thing going. You have NOT posted that she has agreed to ANYTHING about that. So your response about no therapy was correct.

 

You response should be.

 

"We are getting divorced. and the process will not stop until you can verify for me that you are totally and forever not in contact with this OM again. You can do whatever you want to but no as my wife"

 

 

Jurassic, you are NOT out of infidelity if she is still talking to him. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT???? Right now she is "bargaining" for time with the MC crap. You make an appointment for two weeks from now or next week, does she agree to your conditions??? No indication of that. What she is hoping is that she can buy more time and that some idiot MC ( and some of them are), will tell her that you need to give her time to "gradually" disconnect and grieve the loss of her boyfriend. That is bull ****.!!!

 

Now stop letting your wife CHOOSE . You are in control of your decision, not her

[MickeyBill]

 

Jurassic,

 

You are making progress but you still do not get it. So you asked HER to choose, when it is YOU who should choose.

 

snip

 

Now stop letting your wife CHOOSE . You are in control of your decision, not her

 

On another forum I have heard that you say that you are getting out of infidelity and it is up to her if she wants to accompany you. Either D or R can happen, one of those will. The train is leaving Infidelityville, it's up to her if she's onboard with you.

[JamesM]

If your goal is to end the marriage, then you are on track.

 

If you want to rebuild, then you may want to take a different direction and let her decide with what actions she takes.

 

Reality is...you can threaten and even act, but you can only end the marriage. If you want to rebuild the marriage, then the ball is in her court. Period.

 

She suggested counseling, then go. Saying you won't go unless she is out of the affair or that you will kick her out is not saying to her at all that you are willing to continue the marriage. She knows she has screwed up big time. Her words are simply blustering. She is trying to regain some perceived dignity, even though there is none left to get.

 

It is not weak to accept her suggestion. Call her on it. If she goes to counseling and ignores the recommendations of the counselor, then she chose to end the marriage. If she goes but refuses to quit communicating to the OM, then she chose to end it.

 

If you are worth it, then letting her decide and choose makes it so that later she cannot says she was somehow the victim and wanted to rebuild but you did not.

 

I know. My opinion is a minority. But someone has to add some reason to the situation.

[Imajerk17]

I asked her who does she choose because I am going to move on. She said she chooses me. I told her as long as she still talks to him I will assume she has chosen him and I am going to move on. She then asked to go to counseling, I told her what do you not understand, I am not going to counseling while you're still having an affair. Knock it off or just leave the house and I will continue with divorce. Me and the kids will be better without you pulling this cruel bull****.

 

That she says "she chooses you" while she continues the affair has to be THE most insulting thing EVER. In other words, she is telling you she wants to have her excitement and romance with AP while keeping you on the backburner for financial and societal safety and security. WTF. No regard as to what this is doing to you emotionally. If that isn't saying that she doesn't respect you as a man, then I don't know what else would be.

 

JamesM, I usually like your posts but not this time. You are forgetting:

 

A. Women cannot love a man they cannot respect, and by "putting the ball in her court" after SHE was the one who had the affair and is showing NO remorse for it, Jurassic is being weak--not standing up to his wife.

 

B. It's not just the marriage. Jurassic has to look HIMSELF in the mirror every day. He will have a very tough time of that if takes her back after all she did without her showing some SERIOUS remorse first.

Edited March 2, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Friskyone4u]

t is not weak to accept her suggestion. Call her on it. If she goes to counseling and ignores the recommendations of the counselor, then she chose to end the marriage. If she goes but refuses to quit communicating to the OM, then she chose to end it.

 

Sure is the minority.

 

Jurassic,lets start with this suggestion to run to MC. In case you do not know MC is a totally subjective and the range of opinions is as wide as the ocean. There are some of these like a famous Dr. Hartley that would have recommended that you buy your wife some flowers, and a new outfit to go see OM in so that you would be wooing her back to you, and to just let her have her fun for six months or so. Fortunately, that advice is also in the distinct minority, and even this famous author and "expert" states in his books that very few men can do that successfully.

 

Which leaves you with what the majority and other end of the spectrum will tell you, and that is NO CONTACT start immediately, there are no negotiations on anything to do with Om remaining in her life, and there are no therapist that tell you to allow it.

 

There is still NO STATEMENT from your wife that she is going to immediately end this relationship with OM. She has time and time again refused that demand and just repeated she does not want a divorce and wants to go to MC.

 

All about what she wants.

 

Now buckle your chin strap and play hardball, file for divorce. In two months or so, have her take an unexpected polygraph, and if she passes, THEN you start looking for MC.

 

And if you have the time. Read the stories on here about men who jump right into MC in your circumstances and see what the results are. Pretty lousy.

 

You may save your marriage, but not by letting your wife control the narrative instead of you. She has had multiple opportunities and plenty of tyime to revise her position and has not done it. Until you mentioned divorce, she was packed and ready to go this week end,.

[Dark-Farmer]

It is not weak to accept her suggestion. Call her on it. If she goes to counseling and ignores the recommendations of the counselor, then she chose to end the marriage. If she goes but refuses to quit communicating to the OM, then she chose to end it.

 

So you're saying he should give her time to go screw OM?

Because unless they get an appointment before this weekend that's what will happen ... I just cannot see how that can be a sound approach from any perspective.

 

Everyone is different, but if she went ... that would be a deal breaker to me personally.

 

I personally would not tolerate any physical affair though, I been down that road in the past and personally would rather rebuild than repair that. emotional as long as partner wanted to work on it I would consider. In the past I would have perhaps been more forgiving. But her to go on a weekend sex getaway ... and tell him here watch the kid ... that would be a deal breaker at any stage in my life.

 

I would tell her (even if it was half fib) that no counselor would consider us if you are still actively in an affair because it shows no real interest on her part. Say "yes lets go to counselling 100% but that I have nothing to add till the affair is over."

 

I'd say if you leave this weekend it is 100% a deal breaker for me and our family. Then I would pack a bag and leave for my parents place and say contact me when the affair is over. And let me know if you leave for the weekend so i can get the final draft of divorce papers.

[JamesM]

That she says "she chooses you" while she continues the affair has to be THE most insulting thing EVER. In other words, she is telling you she wants to have her excitement and romance with AP while keeping you on the backburner for financial and societal safety and security. WTF. No regard as to what this is doing to you emotionally. If that isn't saying that she doesn't respect you as a man, then I don't know what else would be.

 

Actually, she didn't make up her mind. Any WS will tell you that the fog confuses the decision making ability when it comes to the AP.

 

JamesM, I usually like your posts but not this time.

 

Thank you.

 

You are forgetting:

 

Actually no.

 

A. Women cannot love a man they cannot respect, and by "putting the ball in her court" after SHE was the one who had the affair and is showing NO remorse for it, Jurassic is being weak--not standing up to his wife.

 

By putting the ball in her court and saying you choose BUT you also choose the consequences, he is not being weak. If she chooses counseling, then she must choose to rebuild which means no OM can be in the picture. If she chooses him, then the OM must go.

 

That is not being weak. He is not begging her to stay. He is allowing her to be the adult who will choose and accept the consequences.

 

A parent says to his child, "This is my house and you will do this or else."

 

An adult says to another, "You screwed up. Now you decide if you want to go forward with me or not. I can leave but I cannot go forward without you in this marriage. You have to decide if WE are worth it. If we are not, then it is over. If we are and decide counseling as you suggest, then you must commit to US and not you."

 

The big question that has not really been asked or answered (which he may not be able to even answer right now) is: Do you, Jurassic, still love Mrs. Jurassic enough to move forward with her? Do you have enough commitment to ride the roller coaster of a journey that is ahead if you choose to rebuild?

 

B. It's not just the marriage. Jurassic has to look HIMSELF in the mirror every day. He will have a very tough time of that if takes her back after all she did without her showing some SERIOUS remorse first.

 

Yes, he must look at himself and he must be content with his choices, but in a marriage he is not the only person. So this isn't "just" him. A marriage involves two people. She broke the marriage, so he can choose: Rebuild or leave. He cannot rebuild alone. He can leave alone. As for her remorse, I cannot comment on how serious it is. What I can say is that she suggested counseling because some part at the least wants to rebuild the marriage.

[JamesM]

Jurassic,lets start with this suggestion to run to MC. In case you do not know MC is a totally subjective and the range of opinions is as wide as the ocean.

 

Poor logic. Doctors have different opinions on treatments, but you certainly still go to a doctor when you are sick. And if one doctor doesn't help, then you go to another. This marriage is sick...and may be already dead.

 

 

Which leaves you with what the majority and other end of the spectrum will tell you, and that is NO CONTACT start immediately, there are no negotiations on anything to do with Om remaining in her life, and there are no therapist that tell you to allow it.

 

No one says that the OM should be allowed in her life. Going to counseling will put them together with an objective individual who will most certainly tell them that and help them decide if rebuilding is possible or wanted.

 

There is still NO STATEMENT from your wife that she is going to immediately end this relationship with OM. She has time and time again refused that demand and just repeated she does not want a divorce and wants to go to MC.

 

There is no statement that says she won't either. She didn't know based on his last comment about her. Her feelings are confused. Based on multiple stories here, this is common and is not necessarily reflective of her true feelings.

 

Now buckle your chin strap and play hardball, file for divorce. In two months or so, have her take an unexpected polygraph, and if she passes, THEN you start looking for MC.

 

There will be no opportunity for a polygraph or counseling. Guaranteed that following this advice WILL end the marriage.

 

And if you have the time. Read the stories on here about men who jump right into MC in your circumstances and see what the results are. Pretty lousy.

 

Marriage counseling in no way equals or guarantees a happy marriage. Going to a doctor does not mean you will leave cured either. What it does mean is that two individuals will get together with an objective educated third party who can help them decide if the marriage can be rebuilt.

 

You may save your marriage, but not by letting your wife control the narrative instead of you.

 

Saving the marriage will require both partners to control the narrative. He cannot drag her back to him by threats and ultimatums. He cannot get her to respect him by dominating her. He will gain her respect by treating her like an adult. He will gain respect if she knows that he is willing to give it another try (if he does want to) but she must do her part or forget it. He will not beg. He will not cry. He will not even get angry. He simply will let her choose what she will do. He cannot choose for her.

 

The marriage started with a commitment and a vow. She broke her vow. She has to decide if she wants to start over and make a new one. He never broke his.

 

She has had multiple opportunities and plenty of tyime to revise her position and has not done it. Until you mentioned divorce, she was packed and ready to go this week end,.

 

Actually, the divorce didn't stop her either.

 

I think she has had three opportunities. Plenty.

 

He told her what he wants if they will rebuild. Now she must choose.

[JamesM]

So you're saying he should give her time to go screw OM?

 

No.

 

Because unless they get an appointment before this weekend that's what will happen ... I just cannot see how that can be a sound approach from any perspective.

 

You just created a very simple straw man argument.

 

You have no clue if she will see him this weekend. She didn't say that she was still going to see him for certain in person after the big blowup (but I could have missed it). If I were to assume as you just did, then my assumption would be different as her last comments as recorded here were her confusion about her feelings to the OM but her willingness to seek counseling with Jurassic.

 

This would mean to me that she would NOT be visiting the man in the basement.

 

Everyone is different, but if she went ... that would be a deal breaker to me personally.

 

I think she would have made her choice about staying in the marriage or leaving, but she may actually see this fantasy online guy in real life and recognize her huge mistake. She may never even come close to a physical affair after meeting him in person. She may call home and beg Jurassic to take her back.

 

I would tell her (even if it was half fib) that no counselor would consider us if you are still actively in an affair because it shows no real interest on her part. Say "yes lets go to counselling 100% but that I have nothing to add till the affair is over."

 

Actually, I probably would say the same thing, but I might still suggest we at least meet with the counselor even before she made up her mind. Marriages have been rebuilt even in that position.

[Dark-Farmer]

You just created a very simple straw man argument.

 

I honestly respect your position and think you're getting too much flak. But sometimes you do need to read between the lines. So i don't think it's a straw man argument ... it could be. But maybe not. we are talking about future events ... nothing is certain. But if she goes I don't see the odds going in Jurassic's favour. Sometimes you have to play the odds.

 

Jurassic stated he saw messages from her saying She's going to "rock his world". To me she said it won't get physical to put his mind at ease to let her go.

 

Food for thought too, if her intention wasn't physical why a hotel?!?!?

Why not a coffee shop? if I took a first date to a hotel it would 100% be saying something ... and sex would be involved. And they would know it too.

Why a weeken?, why not an evening or afternoon?

Just doesn't add up it physical is not the intention.

 

Plus the argument that she may see this loser face to face and turn tail; Maybe, maybe not. Some people pity sex dates they have no intention of seeing again. Waywards looking for emotional comfort often say i don't know why i let it get physical but that they did anyways to have the emotional support. She may on the spot feel obligated too. Either way she should just not be there if she wants counseling and to work on the marriage.

[lolablue17]

I think your marriage is over.

 

It doesn't matter anymore if she decides to do what ever you demand, or not. It could have been, if immediately when you caught her, she would have said "I'm so sorry I hurt you, I promise to do what ever it take to gain your trust again" and initiate NC with that guy.

 

But the fact is that her extreme desire to meet him is still valid more then ever. So even if she surrenders, it's only because of your threats. Nothing has changed from the inside. So, eventually what did you achieve? A wife who reluctantly stays with you, against her will. Is this what you want? Because it's the maximum you can get. I say the maximum because 99% she will find a way to sneak and meet him not this weekend but soon, while trying to hide it.

 

This marriage is over.

[merrmeade]

Does your wife think she's getting back at you for something? What might that be (just for argument's sake)?

[Try]

She still hasn't started NC and still can't decide if she's going.

The fact she is still in contact with the other man (OM), and that at this point she still has not "decide if she's going" to spend the weekend with this OM says it all. She is trying to treat you like a fool when she tells you with at straight face that spending the weekend with him will not involve sex. Amazingly she offers MC to keep you on the hook as she continues the affair; she is actually trying to get you to do the pick me dance as she cheats with the other man. I have seen a lot of infidelity threads, and she is right up there when it comes to disrespecting you.

 

I agree with others. Leave for the weekend and do not tell her were you are at. If she gets someone to watch the children so that she can spend the weekend with the OM, do no be surprised when she comes back from her weekend of fun with the other man, and tells you that she has now decided on you. Before she goes, let her know in writing with her parents copied in that it does not work that way, and that going is a one way street that means there will be zero chance of you not divorcing her ASAP. Tell her that divorcing her would then be the only way that you could ever look yourself in the mirror again, and the only way that you could show your children what a person of integrity does when faced with such betrayal.

Edited March 2, 2017 by Try

[Imajerk17]

And this is sort of an aside, but I think the detail "but she said he wouldn't have sex w OM" actually makes things worse.

 

1. It's an obvious lie. We all know that already.

 

2. Even if she DOESN'T have sex (yeah I know as if), meeting another man under romantic protense is breaking her marriage vows already. Even CONSIDERING meeting another man is breaking vows. See, she is putting another man BEFORE her husband. Whether sex occurs (and it will) is *almost* besides the point. Almost.

 

Jurassic, please keep moving forward w the divorce proceedings. This woman doesn't deserve to be your wife anymore.

[mightycpa]

I think your marriage is over.

 

...

 

This marriage is over.

That's exactly what I've been thinking. That's what I've been thinking since this post:

 

so my wife of 14 years is having an online affair with a guy she met on an online forum. I discovered this by breaking into her email and seeing the emails of them professing their love for one another. Talking about how they love each along with scantily clad photos of my wife. When confronted she told me that I'm crazy and how dare I invade her privacy.

 

She has shown no remorse and no plans on stopping things with the OM.

That last sentence is the description of her decision.

[Jurassic12]

As broken as I am all I'm trying to go is get her served right now. Earliest it could probably happen is next week. I did already file. Hard for me to believe any sane person would do this to anyone they claim to love and care about. I could never see myself intentionally hurting her. I feel bad when I hurt her feelings on accident.

Edited March 2, 2017 by Jurassic12

[road]

I asked her who does she choose because I am going to move on. She said she chooses me. I told her as long as she still talks to him I will assume she has chosen him and I am going to move on. She then asked to go to counseling, I told her what do you not understand, I am not going to counseling while you're still having an affair. Knock it off or just leave the house and I will continue with divorce. Me and the kids will be better without you pulling this cruel bull****.

 

Huston, launch was successful we have a BH that has man'd up, big time.

[road]

If your goal is to end the marriage, then you are on track.

 

If you want to rebuild, then you may want to take a different direction and let her decide with what actions she takes.

 

Reality is...you can threaten and even act, but you can only end the marriage. If you want to rebuild the marriage, then the ball is in her court. Period.

 

She suggested counseling, then go. Saying you won't go unless she is out of the affair or that you will kick her out is not saying to her at all that you are willing to continue the marriage. She knows she has screwed up big time. Her words are simply blustering. She is trying to regain some perceived dignity, even though there is none left to get.

 

It is not weak to accept her suggestion. Call her on it. If she goes to counseling and ignores the recommendations of the counselor, then she chose to end the marriage. If she goes but refuses to quit communicating to the OM, then she chose to end it.

 

If you are worth it, then letting her decide and choose makes it so that later she cannot says she was somehow the victim and wanted to rebuild but you did not.

 

I know. My opinion is a minority. But someone has to add some reason to the situation.

 

MC is a total waste. A waste of time. A waste of money. When the WW

is still having her affair. The OP is correct in telling his WW no MC until

the affair is over and there is NC in place.