She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[Imajerk17]

No, look back at Jurassic's own words. He said he would go to counseling if she stopped contact with the OM.

 

She said she would. Now he should follow up on his word.

 

As for steps...there are small steps and big steps. This was a step that Jurassic requested. He did not say to show extreme remorse before going to counseling..

 

Actually, jurassic said he would NOT go to counseling if she did NOT stop contact w her OM. The converse of what you said (what I bolded). And we don't even know for sure if jurassic's W stopped contact w OM. (I am going to guess that she didn't.)

 

James, The advice you are giving him is going to lead to a steady diet of crap sandwiches. Affair fog or no on her part, it's just not worth preserving a relationship that is emasculating, where your wife isn't honouring her vows (sexting another man putting his feelings above your husband's is quite a violation), just to "stay married".

Edited March 3, 2017 by Imajerk17

[JamesM]

 

Now, you have one fellow here who seems to think that that last thing you should do is piss your poor little buttercup off. Most here are going to tell you that the only reason she did not go was because you finally stood up for yourself.

 

Spin it how you want. Buttercups are actually beautiful and tough flowers. And don't even try using a pansy as a metaphor. they really can handle alot.

 

Jurassic, I simply say if you want to rebuild the marriage, start taking steps to do it.

 

Taking all of these steps given to you by the majority may make you a man and may give you some sort of satisfaction of your hurt and anger, but it doesn't seem it will actually do what you may still want to do. At the end of all this, you may be left standing alone and wishing you had one more chance to get her back.

 

Again, if you want to lose her, then keep filing for divorce, demand more and more of her before you reconcile, take out your anger on her, and above all wait until you break her spirit before accepting her back.

 

I totally get why you feel angry and hurt and want her to feel the same hurt. I get why you want to have her crying and remorseful. But I think based on past cases, that if you want to move forward towards a marriage with her, then taking a step towards her will get her closer to you and it won't be long and she will be showing remorse over all that she did to her wonderful husband who never deserved being treated as he was treated. She may feel it in her heart already. Getting her to say it may be just a step away.

[Chaparral]

She is a fallen woman. She's in love with an alcoholic. Let her know you know that. He's homeless. Is that because he's an alcoholic?

Have you run a credit check on him? Have you had his background checked? Criminal, sexual predator list? He's never been married? He can't afford a hotel room? Does he have a car, a drivers license? How come he hasn't come to see her?

 

I agree with the poster that said show her a copy of the divorce papers .

 

I would buy a new set of door locks and put them on the kitchen table beside a box of large garbage bags. (Note, everyone knows you can't force her to leave but you tell her to get out. You can also pack her stuff and deliver it to her parents house. Yes, she can get a court order to make you let her in.)

 

Get a var to keep on yourself, this looks like a case where she just might file false spouse abuse charges. You might even need it in case she gets physical with you. Someone may be coaching her. Does any of her friends know?

[Chaparral]

Another step on her part. Take a step forward and let her take another step. So far she offered to go to counseling. You said not unless you stop seeing the OM. Now she has said she will quit seeing him.

 

You told her what you wanted. She complied.

 

Get into counseling and she may begin apologizing and show a desire to rebuild the marriage.

 

That's not what she said and that's not what Jurassic said.

[merrmeade]

Actually, jurassic said he would NOT go to counseling if she did NOT stop contact w her OM. The converse of what you said (what I bolded). And we don't even know for sure if jurassic's W stopped contact w OM. (I am going to guess that she didn't.)

 

James, The advice you are giving him is going to lead to a steady diet of crap sandwiches. Affair fog or no on her part, it's just not worth preserving a relationship that is emasculating, where your wife isn't honouring her vows (sexting another man is a violation), just to "stay married".

True but James' advice is not the equivalent of a white flag either. This is not about his ego; it's about his marriage. She's kind of crazy right now and has done and said some really stupid, hurtful things, but she's beginning to get it. Jurassic has consistently done what he said he would and understands a lot more than she does ( in part thanks to LS). He should remain careful, strong and clear-headed—for both of them. Maybe she needs individual counseling, but if there ever were candidates for marriage counseling, it's these two. There's a lot they need to talk about. And, yes, there's a lot that he'd have to forgive. Frankly, nude, sexy pics are going pretty far for me, too, but both of them are singularly unaware and unsophisticated.

[JamesM]

Actually, jurassic said he would NOT go to counseling if she did NOT stop contact w her OM. The converse of what you said (what I bolded). And we don't even know for sure if jurassic's W stopped contact w OM. (I am going to guess that she didn't.)

 

But he more than implied he would if she would.

 

No, we don't know, but (again, I know I am assuming) that a text back to her asking if this means she was no longer going to contact him, may actually lead her to say she is going NC.

 

James, The advice you are giving him is going to lead to a steady diet of crap sandwiches.

 

While I respect some of your advice, with this I obviously disagree.

 

Affair fog or no on her part, it's just not worth preserving a relationship that is emasculating, where your wife isn't honouring her vows (sexting another man putting his feelings above your husband's is quite a violation), just to "stay married".

 

Many men and women have rebuilt a marriage after much worse. Many marriages have recovered after an affair. And every affair is devastating to the BS no matter if it is a male or a female. It takes more strength sometimes to rebuild a marriage than it does to walk away.

 

If he agrees to the next step of counseling, then this doesn't mean he has to keep moving forward if it is only him that is doing it. She must do her part or the marriage won't survive. He does not have to do anything that he does not want to do.

[BuddyX]

Can guarantee you that W said the following to the OM "Can't make it this weekend. Keep you posted".

[JamesM]

Can guarantee you that W said the following to the OM "Can't make it this weekend. Keep you posted".

 

What? Have you hacked her computer or phone?

 

If we start assuming, then we may as all quit.

 

My goal despite what may be thought by some, is to have Jurassic think about what direction is best to rebuild the marriage. As with everyone here, I will admit that it is my opinion, but I do base it on other cases and what they have done. It is also based on the information given so far.

[BluesPower]

OP, you know...

 

You might as well tell her to go screw him, let her know she will be served Monday.

 

I really cannot believe the she is acting about any of this. It is like she has really completely lost her mind...

 

And James - Love you baby, but as you see most of us that have been through this stuff just could not disagree more with you view of this one in particular.

 

But hey, that is what Free speech is all about...

[Imajerk17]

True but James' advice is not the equivalent of a white flag either. This is not about his ego; it's about his marriage. She's kind of crazy right now and has done and said some really stupid, hurtful things, but she's beginning to get it. Jurassic has consistently done what he said he would and understands a lot more than she does ( in part thanks to LS). He should remain careful, strong and clear-headed—for both of them. Maybe she needs individual counseling, but if there ever were candidates for marriage counseling, it's these two. There's a lot they need to talk about. And, yes, there's a lot that he'd have to forgive. Frankly, nude, sexy pics are going pretty far for me, too, but both of them are singularly unaware and unsophisticated.

 

 

Sorry, but I am just not seeing ANY evidence of severe remorse on her part that what she has done to jurassic. Nor am I seeing any evidence that she is even "starting to get" what she has done to him either.

 

(However, I DO think she realized that her prospects of starting over w a dude living in Mom's basement and w a drinking problem, with even her own parents and children hating her for it, are not good.)

 

At least until jurassic's WW shows some SEVERE remorse and shows willingness to do what it takes to rebuild the marriage, then he should keep on with the divorce proceedings. Saying that she won't visit her lover THIS weekend doesn't cut it.

[JamesM]

 

And James - Love you baby, but as you see most of us that have been through this stuff just could not disagree more with you view of this one in particular.

 

But hey, that is what Free speech is all about...

 

Stop it...I am beginning to like you.

 

Having been through this may actually color your views enough that you cannot see how someone else's situation is different. I have two friends that would tell you that if their husbands had been stopped at the point that Jurassic's wife had been, it would have been easier to reconcile.

 

I simply think that if he ants to rebuild, then he should be certain that his actions show that. She may not have come completely around yet (since we cannot read her mind, we don't know) but she is moving his way.

 

This is a good sign.

[JamesM]

Sorry, but I am just not seeing ANY evidence of severe remorse on her part that what she has done to jurassic. Nor am I seeing any evidence that she is even "starting to get" what she has done to him either.

 

I actually agree. No evidence of SEVERE remorse. But I am seeing signs of regret and remorse by her decision not to see the OM. We don't know but this may be an inward decision to no longer see him. It may not be too.

 

(However, I DO think she realized that her prospects of starting over w a dude living in Mom's basement and w a drinking problem, with even her own parents and children hating her for it, are not good.)

 

And you may interpret it that way. It may also be that she is seeing that what she has is so much better than what is on the other side of the fence (so to speak) that she is coming back home to her marriage albeit in small steps.

 

At least until jurassic's WW shows some SEVERE remorse and shows willingness to do what it takes to rebuild the marriage, then he should keep on with the divorce proceedings. Saying that she won't visit her lover THIS weekend doesn't cut it.

 

Actually, showing any remorse is a step back towards the marriage. He should respond in like.

 

He can definitely play hardball and file for divorce, move out, or kick her out, but at the end of the day, he may be alone. If that is his goal, then this is a good plan to get there.

[CaliforniaGirl]

She wants a. "thank you". A "thank you" For not going to spend a romantic weekend with someone that isn't her husband. Don't you do it. Don't act grateful. Don't act relieved.

 

That's the feeling I got too.

 

It's like an abused wife being expected to thank her husband for not punching her in the face.

 

I am not saying the OP should run right out and file, I'm not sure I'm for that at all, BUT this particular issue, with the wife miffed that the OP didn't respond in some sort of enthusiastic way to "Guess what, out of the goodness of my heart I decided not to do some guy who isn't you" is just...bizarre. So weird.

[aliveagain]

She had stated that even if she didn't go she would be staying with a friend, is that still the case or is she going to be home? Has she already paid for the hotel room, is she loosing the cost of the room? Do you still share a bedroom? Is she still in contact with him?

[Dark-Farmer]

James, that is NOT a "step" in my opinion.

 

A step would be her showing extreme remorse and putting in effort to win jurassic back. A step would be going above and beyond. Deciding not to meet her lover for sex i.e., doing less than the acceptable minimum but still better than before--doesn't quite cut it.

 

I agree but i agree with James too. That's not really realistic at this point, she's too deep in the fog. Right now he just needs to set the table for that to happen. As she gets closer to the edge of the fog I'm sure she'll come to that realization.

 

James may be right that he needs to take a small step forward. Emphasize on small, but also firm and well planned out. Otherwise Jurassic could be at a 2 steps forward 1 step back situation.

 

James I don't agree with not proceeding with filing for divorce. As another poster said that it can be halted at anytime before the judges final stamp of approval is on it. It's more about showing you're serious than actually getting divorced.

 

I think Jurassic needs to get a copy of the divorce papers and give them to his wife ASAP. His wife was saying "we're not getting divorced" he needs to show her the papers and say "if the affair does not end ... yes we are! Here's the papers see"

 

Then tell her what you want in order to move towards reconciliation. which should include:

- No contact

- a NC letter he gets to review

- and no passwords and privacy with her communication devises

 

Tell her if she does these things you'll agree to marriage counseling.

But divorce proceedings will be continuing as planned until her head comes out of the clouds and she shows some real remorse for her actions. And only when she proves she want to remain married will you be stopping divorce proceedings.

[BluesPower]

Look, she has been having an ongoing EA, including videos, pictures and who know what else. She has actively rubbed it in OP's nose. She is completely unremorseful in every way. She apparently wants OP to be fine with everything, and wants him to kiss her butt because she choose to not go screw this guy all weekend to decide if she want Him or OP.

 

Unless she has had some type of serious mental break with reality that would require hospitalization, this is not someone that you consider reconciling with.

 

And James, as to your point about us BS's being jaded. It goes so much farther than that. When you actually go through this stuff, you have no choice but to become more self aware. Because, when your spouse cheats on you, there are some super tough questions that you have to ask yourself.

 

One of the most important one is what are you willing to accept in your life. Are you willing to accept infidelity at all? If so how much and under what circumstances?

 

Another one of the most important things you ask yourself is, when do you through in the towel. This is different for everyone and oddly enough, after living through it, that amount becomes quite similar for most men for sure.

 

People like us also learn to recognize when a WS is off the reservation and we also understand when there is no coming back from something.

 

In OP's case, unless his wife literally wakes up sat morning and is horrified and remorseful about everything that she has done, I am not sure many men, even the weak ones can really come back from something like this.

 

And, frankly, I am not sure if this woman will ever get her mind right.

 

I guess time will tell...

[merrmeade]

Sorry, but I am just not seeing ANY evidence of severe remorse on her part that what she has done to jurassic. Nor am I seeing any evidence that she is even "starting to get" what she has done to him either.

 

(However, I DO think she realized that her prospects of starting over w a dude living in Mom's basement and w a drinking problem, with even her own parents and children hating her for it, are not good.)

 

At least until jurassic's WW shows some SEVERE remorse and shows willingness to do what it takes to rebuild the marriage, then he should keep on with the divorce proceedings. Saying that she won't visit her lover THIS weekend doesn't cut it.

You're right - no remorse. As I've said repeatedly, she's kind of dumb, as in unsophisticated and UNself-aware. And so is he to some extent. They have no idea what they're doing.

 

She's not in affair fog, but she's experiencing some kind of personality breakdown.

 

Why throw away their marriage now. I'm not saying it'll be a piece of cake working things out and maybe they won't. But she's NOT your secret sex kitten going onto Ashley Madison to work out her deep sexual fantasies.

 

They're both kind of kids. She's made a huge, huge life mistake that, I agree, maybe she should suffer the consequences from, but he doesn't have to respond as a wounded male ego, as you all would have him. He'll agree I think that she's a little nuts right now. He isn't losing that much by waiting a while to figure out why.

[fenix]

A lot of good advice here, I will try to add my 0,02.

 

Your wife is far for being where she needs to be to even think about reconciling.

Before you can talk about the future she needs to stop all contact with the aim and she needs to humble down a lot.

 

If she cuts ALL contacts with the OM I advise you to take her to Marriage counseling because it feels like she holds some strong negative feelings against you and you also need to understand where they are coming from if you ever want o reconcile.

 

If you are pass reconciliation (I could perfectly understand it) just serve her the divorce and try to minimize contact with her to co parenting needs.

 

Good luck with your choices!!

[merrmeade]

Again, why?

 

This has been one of the more blatantly disrespectful waywards in a while. Please explain.

What?!?! What could possibly make you think that this wayward is different from the thousands of others that people have posted about here and other places? You're asking him to show weakness, and waywards jump on weakness the same way sharks do blood in their water. If he takes your advice she must definitely will wind up banging the OM.

And how could you miss the differences?! Frankly, I think James has been a breath of fresh air. Everyone else is giving all the same knee-jerk reactions as "thousands of others that people have posted here and other places." He is reading the situation and the people as presented as is NO ONE ELSE.

 

This woman is not a cold-hearted snake-in-the-grass. She doesn't try very hard not to get caught or even know how to sneak around. She not only doesn't try to hide it, she throws her affair stuff in Jurassic's face as if to make him jealous or somehow teach him a lesson. She's clueless about how bad what she's doing is, as we see in her shock to the fact that he actually filed. She's as unlike a typical wayward as anything seen here.

 

There's a HUGE missing piece of logic with both of them about what's going on and what the consequences should or could be. You don't treat ignorant children the same way you do conniving adults. She is NOT your typical WW. And if she's brazen, blatant or bold, it's because she doesn't realize that she should hide it or that she's doing anything that bad. Hence, her shock at his filing for divorce.

You spin it the way you want genius. Everyone is crazy and you are the only sane one here in your mind.

That's intended to be disrespectful but backfires, Frisky. And, with the crap championed by majorities these days (well, throughout history), throw me in a "distinct minority" with James any day.

[fenix]

You're right - no remorse. As I've said repeatedly, she's kind of dumb, as in unsophisticated and UNself-aware. And so is he to some extent. They have no idea what they're doing.

 

She's not in affair fog, but she's experiencing some kind of personality breakdown.

 

Why throw away their marriage now. I'm not saying it'll be a piece of cake working things out and maybe they won't. But she's NOT your secret sex kitten going onto Ashley Madison to work out her deep sexual fantasies.

 

They're both kind of kids. She's made a huge, huge life mistake that, I agree, maybe she should suffer the consequences from, but he doesn't have to respond as a wounded male ego, as you all would have him. He'll agree I think that she's a little nuts right now. He isn't losing that much by waiting a while to figure out why.

 

 

I humbly disagree, OP doesn't have to wait at all, if his wife affair is a deal breaker he has all the rights in the world to divorce and move on... I am sorry but you can't dictate what is a right deal breaker and what not except for yourself.

[BluesPower]

You're right - no remorse. As I've said repeatedly, she's kind of dumb, as in unsophisticated and UNself-aware. And so is he to some extent. They have no idea what they're doing.

 

She's not in affair fog, but she's experiencing some kind of personality breakdown.

 

Why throw away their marriage now. I'm not saying it'll be a piece of cake working things out and maybe they won't. But she's NOT your secret sex kitten going onto Ashley Madison to work out her deep sexual fantasies.

 

They're both kind of kids. She's made a huge, huge life mistake that, I agree, maybe she should suffer the consequences from, but he doesn't have to respond as a wounded male ego, as you all would have him. He'll agree I think that she's a little nuts right now. He isn't losing that much by waiting a while to figure out why.

 

merrmeade, why so hard on us males???

 

I know your a BS, was your ego not damaged by your husbands affair? I don't think it was very ok with you.

 

A man, that put up with this from a woman, is not really much of a man. I guess that may be a hard concept for you.

 

If you acted this way with your husband, do you think he would be ok with it?

 

The way she is acting about the whole thing is just really bizarre.

[whichwayisup]

What? Have you hacked her computer or phone?

 

If we start assuming, then we may as all quit.

 

My goal despite what may be thought by some, is to have Jurassic think about what direction is best to rebuild the marriage. As with everyone here, I will admit that it is my opinion, but I do base it on other cases and what they have done. It is also based on the information given so far.

 

If she had shown remorse, owned what she's done, then I'd agree with you. He can't rebuild anything as long as his wife is acting like she has. The A is still on, only thing she's said is she won't go meet the guy in person, she also has told him that she still wants to be married and keep talking to the OM.

 

She has to suffer consequences and see her husband means business. He can always put the D on hold IF her behavior changes in the near future and do counseling with her. But as of right now him filing and serving her on Monday is the best case scenario for him even having a chance of winning her back. He does nothing and waits it out, she'll go underground with her online affair and still lie about it. No point in fixing a marriage when the other person has no real desire to do what is necessary to fix it.

[whichwayisup]

I have already filed. I am going to get her served on Monday. Told her I have filed but doubt she believes me. She's told me to stop being ridiculous and that we're not getting divorced. Well is she in for a surprise.

 

No she doesn't believe you but she's going to have a big shock on Monday. Let her stew in it. Take the kids to the grandparents *your parents* for a few days so they won't be exposed to what's going to happen when she finds out.

 

She still doesn't get it and she won't for a long time. She thinks she can do as she pleases and you'll sit and wait while she 'tries it out' with the OM. Filing was the right thing to do. You can always put the D on hold depending on how things go in the upcoming weeks - Nothing is carved in stone. She can wake up and realize what a monster she's become and try to repair herself and the marriage or she can do nothing and assume she calls the shots and you accept her crap.

[GoldenR]

 

This woman is not a cold-hearted snake-in-the-grass. She doesn't try very hard not to get caught or even know how to sneak around. She not only doesn't try to hide it, she throws her affair stuff in Jurassic's face as if to make him jealous or somehow teach him a lesson. She's clueless about how bad what she's doing is, as we see in her shock to the fact that he actually filed. She's as unlike a typical wayward as anything seen here.

 

OP has never once stated anything about his wife being mentally slower than others, or anything like that at all.

 

I don't see how her talking to OM in front of OP and his kids can be seen as not cold hearted.

 

And she's not clueless....like so many other WWs, she thought her H was spineless and would just take it. And again, like so many other WWs, once he quit taking it, she starts waking up.

[EZNona]

She's not in affair fog, but she's experiencing some kind of personality breakdown.

 

Why throw away their marriage now. I'm not saying it'll be a piece of cake working things out and maybe they won't. But she's NOT your secret sex kitten going onto Ashley Madison to work out her deep sexual fantasies.

 

Let's be honest here. I don't see how sending your spoiled underwear and setting up a sex meet is any better than the people on Ashley Madison. And her husband just happened to catch her before she went on her sexcapade adventure.

 

But all of that is irrelevant to me. I am a woman that is pro marriage and working things out. However, this story, to me, has gone beyond wanting and having an affair.

 

What's most disturbing is how the wife went about this in a way to purposeful hurt her husband. Many affairs are for selfish reasons, but most try to hide it because they know it will hurt their partner. Jurassic's wife has done just about everything to rub it in his face with no care or concern for his feelings. It is the purposeful hurt that she wants to put upon her husband that makes me feel he should walk away.

 

When a person does not care one iota for how they have hurt another human being, especially their spouse, then it's time to let that relationship go. And I feel this way no matter if it's a love relationship, friendship, familial relationship, etc.

 

It's one thing for the wife to be selfish, but it's another thing to be selfish and downright cruel; and no one should have to put up with either.