She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[JamesM]

But of course its not more difficult if she refuses to stop interacting with OM, right??? I guessed you keep missing that little detail

 

You seem to guess wrong...again.

 

 

And as far as she goes, this is the last quote we have regarding how she feels about the OM:

She's not a stay at home mom but she works from home. Basically there is nothing that has happened unfortunately. She still hasn't started NC and still can't decide if she's going.

 

She is in an affair fog and cannot decide what to do. The question is: will a divorce send her in the arms of her lover or scare her into staying home? Would Jurassic's acceptance of her offer of counseling make her realize what a wonderful husband she has and be that extra nudge to end her online affair?

 

So file a divorce and hope she gets scared. Based on how she has been acting so far, she will leave. Accept her olive branch of counseling, and she just may stay and cut off all contact with the OM.

 

I know what I would do.

[Jurassic12]

Hi everyone. She has decided not to go see the OM for whatever reason. She just texted me telling me she's not going to see him. I ignored it and now she's getting mad at me for ignoring her texts.

[aileD]

Hi everyone. She has decided not to go see the OM for whatever reason. She just texted me telling me she's not going to see him. I ignored it and now she's getting mad at me for ignoring her texts.

 

But you shouldnt be angry she's strung you along Ok. Wow.

[whichwayisup]

Hi everyone. She has decided not to go see the OM for whatever reason. She just texted me telling me she's not going to see him. I ignored it and now she's getting mad at me for ignoring her texts.

 

Saying and doing are two different things.

 

Still file (or let her think you're going to).

 

Your wife STILL has not owned what she's done, not apologized, hasn't be genuine nor has she stopped blaming you and re writing marital history. She is reacting and acting out of desperation right now and that's not going to last long. I doubt very much she's ended contact. Besides, didn't she tell you she wasn't going to go see him a few days ago?

[Jurassic12]

I have already filed. I am going to get her served on Monday. Told her I have filed but doubt she believes me. She's told me to stop being ridiculous and that we're not getting divorced. Well is she in for a surprise.

[S2B]

Tell her to take a hike.

 

She acts like she should get a medal for not going to cheat further.

 

Just tell her you don't care!

[JamesM]

Hi everyone. She has decided not to go see the OM for whatever reason. She just texted me telling me she's not going to see him. I ignored it and now she's getting mad at me for ignoring her texts.

 

Another step on her part. Take a step forward and let her take another step. So far she offered to go to counseling. You said not unless you stop seeing the OM. Now she has said she will quit seeing him.

 

You told her what you wanted. She complied.

 

Get into counseling and she may begin apologizing and show a desire to rebuild the marriage.

[GoldenR]

Hi everyone. She has decided not to go see the OM for whatever reason. She just texted me telling me she's not going to see him. I ignored it and now she's getting mad at me for ignoring her texts.

 

 

 

She wants a. "thank you". A "thank you" For not going to spend a romantic weekend with someone that isn't her husband. Don't you do it. Don't act grateful. Don't act relieved.

[BluesPower]

Yeah so what...

 

So let's see. She had put you through hell. And at the 11th hour she decides to not go screw him, OK.

 

Is she cutting off the affair? Is she willing to let you have access to all forms of communication? And maybe she might stop lying to your face at some point?

 

How do you know OM might not come down and visit her during the week, and she can take off the day a have some monkey sex?

 

Has she spoken to any of that yet?

 

Keep the divorce moving, it really does not sound like she is anywhere close to waking up.

 

Keep the pressure on...

[Imajerk17]

Another step on her part. Take a step forward and let her take another step. So far she offered to go to counseling. You said not unless you stop seeing the OM. Now she has said she will quit seeing him.

 

You told her what you wanted. She complied.

 

Get into counseling and she may begin apologizing and show a desire to rebuild the marriage.

 

James, that is NOT a "step" in my opinion.

 

A step would be her showing extreme remorse and putting in effort to win jurassic back. A step would be going above and beyond. Deciding not to meet her lover for sex i.e., doing less than the acceptable minimum but still better than before--doesn't quite cut it.

[MickeyBill]

She's not going "this weekend" she and you have alot of work coming up to repair this marriage, if that's what you decide.

 

Until she defogs and goes no contact, etc. she's still playing you .

[Friskyone4u]

Hi everyone. She has decided not to go see the OM for whatever reason. She just texted me telling me she's not going to see him. I ignored it and now she's getting mad at me for ignoring her texts.

 

Jurassic,

 

OK, She said she is not going. Has she also said she told OM she is done with him???? Not likely. Maybe you should ask that question.

 

Now, you have one fellow here who seems to think that that last thing you should do is piss your poor little buttercup off. Most here are going to tell you that the only reason she did not go was because you finally stood up for yourself.

 

I would answer her messages, and the FIRST question i would ask is

 

"I want to see a NO CONTACT communication before it is sent. have it ready to look at when i get home"

 

If you ignore her now she will use that as an excuse as to why she will not stop talking to him. not going this week end is only the first step and it was done under duress. If you had not gotten some resolve she would be in her car on the way by now and you know that.

 

Before any decision on what to do is made, either she ends the affair on the telephone or she does not. my guess is she will tell you that it is OK for her to stay in contact with him since she agreed not to go. In her delusional mind, that will be a fair compromise. If she keeps talking to him, you will have a rerun of this little episode shortly.

 

NO NC=NO MC. Pretty simple. You do not go to MC with a woman who refuses to stop the affair. Of course our friend who thinks you are being a meany to her will tell you to be so grateful for her not going that you run right to MC with no agreement that her affair ends today. her not going does not mean her affair is over.

 

i hope you get that

[JamesM]

James, that is NOT a "step" in my opinion.

 

A step would be her showing extreme remorse and putting in effort to win jurassic back. A step would be going above and beyond. Deciding not to meet her lover for sex i.e., doing less than the acceptable minimum but still better than before--doesn't quite cut it.

 

No, look back at Jurassic's own words. He said he would go to counseling if she stopped contact with the OM.

 

She said she would. Now he should follow up on his word.

 

As for steps...there are small steps and big steps. This was a step that Jurassic requested. He did not say to show extreme remorse before going to counseling..

[MickeyBill]

Does she know that you know that she said that "she was going to rock his world?"

[Imajerk17]

No, look back at Jurassic's own words. He said he would go to counseling if she stopped contact with the OM.

 

She said she would. Now he should follow up on his word.

 

As for steps...there are small steps and big steps. This was a step that Jurassic requested. He did not say to show extreme remorse before going to counseling..

 

Actually, jurassic said he would NOT go to counseling if she did NOT stop contact w her OM. The converse of what you said (what I bolded). And we don't even know for sure if jurassic's W stopped contact w OM. (I am going to guess that she didn't.)

 

James, The advice you are giving him is going to lead to a steady diet of crap sandwiches. Affair fog or no on her part, it's just not worth preserving a relationship that is emasculating, where your wife isn't honouring her vows (sexting another man putting his feelings above your husband's is quite a violation), just to "stay married".

Edited March 3, 2017 by Imajerk17

[JamesM]

 

Now, you have one fellow here who seems to think that that last thing you should do is piss your poor little buttercup off. Most here are going to tell you that the only reason she did not go was because you finally stood up for yourself.

 

Spin it how you want. Buttercups are actually beautiful and tough flowers. And don't even try using a pansy as a metaphor. they really can handle alot.

 

Jurassic, I simply say if you want to rebuild the marriage, start taking steps to do it.

 

Taking all of these steps given to you by the majority may make you a man and may give you some sort of satisfaction of your hurt and anger, but it doesn't seem it will actually do what you may still want to do. At the end of all this, you may be left standing alone and wishing you had one more chance to get her back.

 

Again, if you want to lose her, then keep filing for divorce, demand more and more of her before you reconcile, take out your anger on her, and above all wait until you break her spirit before accepting her back.

 

I totally get why you feel angry and hurt and want her to feel the same hurt. I get why you want to have her crying and remorseful. But I think based on past cases, that if you want to move forward towards a marriage with her, then taking a step towards her will get her closer to you and it won't be long and she will be showing remorse over all that she did to her wonderful husband who never deserved being treated as he was treated. She may feel it in her heart already. Getting her to say it may be just a step away.

[Chaparral]

She is a fallen woman. She's in love with an alcoholic. Let her know you know that. He's homeless. Is that because he's an alcoholic?

Have you run a credit check on him? Have you had his background checked? Criminal, sexual predator list? He's never been married? He can't afford a hotel room? Does he have a car, a drivers license? How come he hasn't come to see her?

 

I agree with the poster that said show her a copy of the divorce papers .

 

I would buy a new set of door locks and put them on the kitchen table beside a box of large garbage bags. (Note, everyone knows you can't force her to leave but you tell her to get out. You can also pack her stuff and deliver it to her parents house. Yes, she can get a court order to make you let her in.)

 

Get a var to keep on yourself, this looks like a case where she just might file false spouse abuse charges. You might even need it in case she gets physical with you. Someone may be coaching her. Does any of her friends know?

[Chaparral]

Another step on her part. Take a step forward and let her take another step. So far she offered to go to counseling. You said not unless you stop seeing the OM. Now she has said she will quit seeing him.

 

You told her what you wanted. She complied.

 

Get into counseling and she may begin apologizing and show a desire to rebuild the marriage.

 

That's not what she said and that's not what Jurassic said.

[merrmeade]

Actually, jurassic said he would NOT go to counseling if she did NOT stop contact w her OM. The converse of what you said (what I bolded). And we don't even know for sure if jurassic's W stopped contact w OM. (I am going to guess that she didn't.)

 

James, The advice you are giving him is going to lead to a steady diet of crap sandwiches. Affair fog or no on her part, it's just not worth preserving a relationship that is emasculating, where your wife isn't honouring her vows (sexting another man is a violation), just to "stay married".

True but James' advice is not the equivalent of a white flag either. This is not about his ego; it's about his marriage. She's kind of crazy right now and has done and said some really stupid, hurtful things, but she's beginning to get it. Jurassic has consistently done what he said he would and understands a lot more than she does ( in part thanks to LS). He should remain careful, strong and clear-headed—for both of them. Maybe she needs individual counseling, but if there ever were candidates for marriage counseling, it's these two. There's a lot they need to talk about. And, yes, there's a lot that he'd have to forgive. Frankly, nude, sexy pics are going pretty far for me, too, but both of them are singularly unaware and unsophisticated.

[JamesM]

Actually, jurassic said he would NOT go to counseling if she did NOT stop contact w her OM. The converse of what you said (what I bolded). And we don't even know for sure if jurassic's W stopped contact w OM. (I am going to guess that she didn't.)

 

But he more than implied he would if she would.

 

No, we don't know, but (again, I know I am assuming) that a text back to her asking if this means she was no longer going to contact him, may actually lead her to say she is going NC.

 

James, The advice you are giving him is going to lead to a steady diet of crap sandwiches.

 

While I respect some of your advice, with this I obviously disagree.

 

Affair fog or no on her part, it's just not worth preserving a relationship that is emasculating, where your wife isn't honouring her vows (sexting another man putting his feelings above your husband's is quite a violation), just to "stay married".

 

Many men and women have rebuilt a marriage after much worse. Many marriages have recovered after an affair. And every affair is devastating to the BS no matter if it is a male or a female. It takes more strength sometimes to rebuild a marriage than it does to walk away.

 

If he agrees to the next step of counseling, then this doesn't mean he has to keep moving forward if it is only him that is doing it. She must do her part or the marriage won't survive. He does not have to do anything that he does not want to do.

[BuddyX]

Can guarantee you that W said the following to the OM "Can't make it this weekend. Keep you posted".

[JamesM]

Can guarantee you that W said the following to the OM "Can't make it this weekend. Keep you posted".

 

What? Have you hacked her computer or phone?

 

If we start assuming, then we may as all quit.

 

My goal despite what may be thought by some, is to have Jurassic think about what direction is best to rebuild the marriage. As with everyone here, I will admit that it is my opinion, but I do base it on other cases and what they have done. It is also based on the information given so far.

[BluesPower]

OP, you know...

 

You might as well tell her to go screw him, let her know she will be served Monday.

 

I really cannot believe the she is acting about any of this. It is like she has really completely lost her mind...

 

And James - Love you baby, but as you see most of us that have been through this stuff just could not disagree more with you view of this one in particular.

 

But hey, that is what Free speech is all about...

[Imajerk17]

True but James' advice is not the equivalent of a white flag either. This is not about his ego; it's about his marriage. She's kind of crazy right now and has done and said some really stupid, hurtful things, but she's beginning to get it. Jurassic has consistently done what he said he would and understands a lot more than she does ( in part thanks to LS). He should remain careful, strong and clear-headed—for both of them. Maybe she needs individual counseling, but if there ever were candidates for marriage counseling, it's these two. There's a lot they need to talk about. And, yes, there's a lot that he'd have to forgive. Frankly, nude, sexy pics are going pretty far for me, too, but both of them are singularly unaware and unsophisticated.

 

 

Sorry, but I am just not seeing ANY evidence of severe remorse on her part that what she has done to jurassic. Nor am I seeing any evidence that she is even "starting to get" what she has done to him either.

 

(However, I DO think she realized that her prospects of starting over w a dude living in Mom's basement and w a drinking problem, with even her own parents and children hating her for it, are not good.)

 

At least until jurassic's WW shows some SEVERE remorse and shows willingness to do what it takes to rebuild the marriage, then he should keep on with the divorce proceedings. Saying that she won't visit her lover THIS weekend doesn't cut it.

[JamesM]

 

And James - Love you baby, but as you see most of us that have been through this stuff just could not disagree more with you view of this one in particular.

 

But hey, that is what Free speech is all about...

 

Stop it...I am beginning to like you.

 

Having been through this may actually color your views enough that you cannot see how someone else's situation is different. I have two friends that would tell you that if their husbands had been stopped at the point that Jurassic's wife had been, it would have been easier to reconcile.

 

I simply think that if he ants to rebuild, then he should be certain that his actions show that. She may not have come completely around yet (since we cannot read her mind, we don't know) but she is moving his way.

 

This is a good sign.