She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[usa1ah]

It's just been a long day. I am having a hard time. Yes we're still sleeping in the same bedroom, our house only has 3 bedrooms one for us and two for our kids. She asked me to cuddle with her, I refused. She got angry at me and now I've locked myself in the basement she was banging on the door and told me not to bother coming back to our bedroom for the night. Funny she texted me to 20 minutes ago.The basement we just had remodeled so I don't mind being down here. I don't know if she's still talking to the other man, probably. I already filed and she will get served Monday.

 

I wish I knew why she resents me so much. I gave her anything and everything she wanted, maybe that's the problem. I could confidently say that I loved her for our entire marriage and still do. I just feel abused by her.

 

 

The resentment is from you not allowing her to cuckold you. She wanted to be a Hotwife and you took that from her.

 

Divorce your wife. Do not stop. She would have gone through with it if she saw any weakness from you.

[usa1ah]

This was a hard read OP. This is one of the coldest WW I have ever read about.

 

How are things going? Did she end up going to see the POSOM?

[fenix]

OP has never once stated anything about his wife being mentally slower than others, or anything like that at all.

 

I don't see how her talking to OM in front of OP and his kids can be seen as not cold hearted.

 

And she's not clueless....like so many other WWs, she thought her H was spineless and would just take it. And again, like so many other WWs, once he quit taking it, she starts waking up.

 

 

^^This^^ She has started to come back when OP sabes her world, if he had begged her and cried OP's wife would be now banging OM .

 

And make no mistake, OP's wife didn't use the affair to hurt OP, she tried to hide it but when caught she tried to force herself into OP's will in a very cruel manner. The games played in this case are cruel and disgusting and I understand OPs reaction to it

Edited March 4, 2017 by fenix

[S2B]

I think she has probably abused you a long time. You're used to her brand of abuse.

 

She's NOT used to you being a man - a strong man at that.

 

Keep being strong - it's the only way to gain your self respect back that she intends to keep taking from you.

 

Tell her she has no say in anything since you're divorcing her.

 

Go out this weekend and have some fun.

[GoldenR]

If and if.

 

And even I could answer that, she has shown who her choice is IF she did.

 

At this point, she has said she won't

 

She has also said that she is in love with OM straight to her H"s face several times.

 

Why isn't she going? Bc she knows he filed and he exposed. She hasn't responded to anything yet except strong, confident action.

Edited March 4, 2017 by GoldenR

[merrmeade]

It's just been a long day. I am having a hard time. Yes we're still sleeping in the same bedroom, our house only has 3 bedrooms one for us and two for our kids. She asked me to cuddle with her, I refused. She got angry at me and now I've locked myself in the basement she was banging on the door and told me not to bother coming back to our bedroom for the night. Funny she texted me to 20 minutes ago.The basement we just had remodeled so I don't mind being down here. I don't know if she's still talking to the other man, probably. I already filed and she will get served Monday.

 

I wish I knew why she resents me so much. I gave her anything and everything she wanted, maybe that's the problem. I could confidently say that I loved her for our entire marriage and still do. I just feel abused by her.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, Jurassic. We actually agree about what you're doing - file for divorce - since she is not taking responsibility for her actions and the damage they've caused. From what you've said, you have no choice. My heart goes out to you especially since you've been so steady and consistent. It's excruciating, whatever you do. I know; I've been there.

 

My only question has been about her stubborn mindset and what you have actually said to her. Her position is completely absurd and indefensible. There is not much you'd have to say to point that out. My sister-in-law/OW was like your wife with the ridiculous construct she'd created to live with the lines they'd crossed, but I did not live with her; she was not part of our dialogue (thank god). As far as my WH was concerned, the silliness of their ruse was busted in two days.

 

So I'm wondering why your wife doesn't feel busted? Why does she persist in being so clueless and/or disrespectful of your feelings? Have you told her how you feel? Have there been any calm discussions? Have you tried explaining 'the obvious" to her—that is, how hurtful her actions have been to you, how they've left you feeling and why?

 

For example:

- she denied that the affair is the reason you're in this position, but has she said what IS the reason? Did you asked her what the reason is?

 

- she threatened divorce when you went through her emails, and she accused you of forcing her to leave when you said she was free to go now.

Did you spell out your position and why you have a right to read the emails?

 

- she announced that it's not a real affair because she hasn't slept with him.

Did you explain the error in her statement and what makes it an affair?

 

- you told her to "kiss everything goodbye" if she meets OM and doesn't stop talking to him right now. Finally she said she'd stop because you're so upset.

Once again, why doesn't she already know WHY you're upset? Have you told her that you're heartbroken and why? Have you explained why you DO have a right to tell her parents?

 

- she proposes meeting OM in person to make up her mind. You told us you planned to file in response. What did you tell her? answers with plans to go see the AP, and then what did you say? You told us you planned to file, but what did you say to her?

 

If you go back to p. 2 of this thread and reread goody blue's post, she tells you

"I believe in love, and and growing from our mistakes. She can make this right if she wants to but you will have to steer her. She is too comfortable and you need to take back your power." Do you think you've tried to "steer her" to make things right? Did you tell her what she would need to do?

 

Maybe it's as simple as Buddy makes it on p. 2 when he compares the shorthand summary of others' stories with yours:

• H has a gut feeling

• Asks W if she's having an affair (she denies)

• Gathers evidence

• Confronts

• WW plays victim (DARVO). WW Moves out

• Divorce papers are served

• WWs mind magically eareses the affair Fog

• WW now wants to R and tells BH "You're my only love"

 

I'm not so sure I buy that your situation is so simple.

[Friskyone4u]

So lets see what happened here.

(1) she did not go to see OM

(2) she also DID NOT commit to anything about not talknig to him any more. She wanted to "cuddle" . But did she want to cuddle after she got done talking to him.??? The answer from what you posted is "you do not know"

(3) you did state you believe she still is talking to him. Probably 95% of those posting believe that one.

(4) she is PISSED at you. Why??? Because in her mind her not going this week end means that now she gets her way and she still can be "friends" with him and carry on as before and good old Jurassic will put up with it and waste money on MC until I can figure out how to get OM together with me.

 

So she carries on disgracefully with OM, and comes within hours, interrupted only by you putting your foot down, and she gets to be pissed and make demands.

 

The only confusing thing here is how someone thinks YOU can decide your own fate by yourself. It does not MAGTTER WHAT YOU WANT IF SHE CONTINUES TO CHEAT. And she has not even had the courtesy of telling you she will do that even if it was a lie. So you can want R all you want, but do you want it in an open marriage, which is what she is giving you now.

 

There is NOTHING at all you should be confused about. If you want to R, you do it with TOTAL TRUTH, NO CONTACT , and ACCOUNTABILITY.

 

If you want to R regardless of what she does, then just ask her to stop talking to him while you are around and make believe your marriage is intact.

 

If your goal is to GET OUT OF INFIDELITY , then you do not negotiate with her or any MC on what you need to feel safe and for her to be a loyal partner again.

 

If you think you feel crappy now, think about how you are going to feel if you make an MC appointment , go to it, and then she comes home and goes to the bedroom to put on a show for loverboy. Is that what you want,??? Not likely.

 

Well, when you come back here and tell the group if you want to that she has committed to nc and will prove it to you, then the advice you are getting from everyone but one fellow here will change I am sure to maybe attempt R. Right now your wife wants to cake eat and have you too. Not a good recipe.

 

So when you hear the words from her and she shows you or lets you hear a NC communication, we all will be thrilled for you. Until then, you can rest assured, and I hope you asked, that she told him you were giving her a hard time and that she had to cancel this week end. And by the way, in the meantime here, if loverboy has a car and your wife is home all day, i would not bet the ranch that Plan B for them is for him to come to your town while you are at work.

 

Jurassic, you must BE WILLING TO LOSE THE MARRIAGE IN ORDER TO SAVE IT. ANYONE WHO HAS READ THIS OR ANY OTHER FORUM FOR ANY TIME HAS SEEN THAT SAYING MANY TIMES.

 

File for divorce. She still refuses to tell you she will not see or talk to him anymore. That is not marriage in your sense of the word. Is it???

Edited March 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic bickering ~T

[merrmeade]

That was really well done, Frisky. Thorough and compelling.

[usa1ah]

Jurassic, I think I would run a facial recognition of your wife on google to see if the POSOM put her pics or vid on the net.

[Jurassic12]

I still don't want to divorce. I don't know why, maybe because so much time was put into our lives together and I don't want it to all go to waste. Unfortunately I am off work today, maybe I can do something with the kids alone. Something to just get my mind off my wife. Though I doubt she will be okay with me and the kids hanging out without her.

[aliveagain]

I still don't want to divorce. I don't know why, maybe because so much time was put into our lives together and I don't want it to all go to waste. Unfortunately I am off work today, maybe I can do something with the kids alone. Something to just get my mind off my wife. Though I doubt she will be okay with me and the kids hanging out without her.

 

Friend, you just spent the night locked up in your own basement. Nothing today is going to be alright regardless of what you do. Drive to BestBuy and get yourself a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR). Carry it on you anytime you are around her, you wouldn't be the first guy on LS to be falsely charged with assaulting his wife and then spending some time locked up. Your a$$ will be in there until she drops the charges which usually includes having to move out of your own house. The VAR is your only proof of what really happened. She is getting crazier every time you post. Email your lawyer, tell him what is happening then listen to his advice. Did your children hear all this fighting?

[Furious]

I still don't want to divorce. I don't know why, maybe because so much time was put into our lives together and I don't want it to all go to waste. Unfortunately I am off work today, maybe I can do something with the kids alone. Something to just get my mind off my wife. Though I doubt she will be okay with me and the kids hanging out without her.

 

You're in shock, and letting go of the years together and the life you built is something you cherished. The harsh truth is that what you cherished is not something your wife cherished.

 

She knows you, she knows you are more invested in your marriage and family than she is.

 

Some betrayed spouses will hang on to the life and partner they thought they knew. Fear of the unknown and fear of starting life over again is sometimes greater than the betrayal.

 

In the end it's your road to travel on, you've been given much advice from many perspectives and often it's hard to digest it all when you're heart and mind is in turmoil.

 

The best advice is to take a deep breath, to listen to your own instinct and honor the value you hold for your yourself. Not following through with your conviction and not filing for divorce is a sure sign to your wife that she can manipulate you.

 

It's heart wrenching what you're going through, but often one must end a marriage to maybe save it in the future. Cheaters are strange, they do not respect a spouse who is weak and it's a paradox that when a betrayed spouse grovels or will do anything to keep the cheater it reaffirms the cheater of their superiority and validates how "special" they are.

[Jurassic12]

Yeah our children heard the fighting. Well more so just yelling on her part. She was banging on the basement door until my daughter started to cry and she stopped. She then texted me to come up to bed so we can please talk about this. I said no, she said okay we can talk about it tommorrow then. She told me she's messed up in the head and she's sorry, she wants to make it up to me. I'm just exhausted. There is some mental illness that runs in her family, but my wife has never showed any signs or symptoms and she has never been diagnosed.

[aliveagain]

Yeah our children heard the fighting. Well more so just yelling on her part. She was banging on the basement door until my daughter started to cry and she stopped. She then texted me to come up to bed so we can please talk about this. I said no, she said okay we can talk about it tommorrow then. She told me she's messed up in the head and she's sorry, she wants to make it up to me. I'm just exhausted. There is some mental illness that runs in her family, but my wife has never showed any signs or symptoms and she has never been diagnosed.

 

Well the signs just showed up big time. You need to get her family and their doctor involved because mental health is very serious business. She needs to be assessed immediately.

[WilyWill]

You should take her "messed up in the head" comment as an opportunity to gently suggest her meeting with a psychologist. Even though she's only guilty of an EA, the most concerning aspect of her behavior has been her casual attitude the whole time. It seems like she never fully understood the damage that she was doing to her marriage. Part of her thinking is just not based in reality. Even the most egregious wayward spouse understands the implications of an affair and how "wrong" it is, even if they continue engaging in it. I'm almost hoping this was just some weird manipulation strategy on your wife's part--pretending she didn't understand the seriousness so as to really anger you or get your attention.

 

Do not listen to any of the "feel good" commenters in here that just tell you to kiss and make up. This is a serious thing, and I'm glad you've recognized it as such.

[Friskyone4u]

Yeah our children heard the fighting. Well more so just yelling on her part. She was banging on the basement door until my daughter started to cry and she stopped. She then texted me to come up to bed so we can please talk about this. I said no, she said okay we can talk about it tommorrow then. She told me she's messed up in the head and she's sorry, she wants to make it up to me. I'm just exhausted. There is some mental illness that runs in her family, but my wife has never showed any signs or symptoms and she has never been diagnosed.

 

 

Jurassic,

 

it's FINE to want to stay married. Great idea. So go upstairs and TALK to her all day if necessary. But DO NOT tell her you are going to stay married to her if she continues to have a boyfriend. Make no commitments.

 

Shes sorry??? OK, sorry enough to answer a few questions honestly????

(1) what did she tell him when she informed him she was not coming. ?? I would'nt believe a word of it but you should still ask her.

(2) what is she going to do to allow you to regain so level of trust in her. The answer to that one is NOT just go to MC. The answer needs to be that she is going to forever put this OM out of her life and make sure you can verify it.

 

once you have accomplished #2, the staying married can be an option. But not until that is done. Do you get that?????

 

If you get that far, there is a lot more advice on MC. But until NC is established you are spinning your wheels. SHE DOES NOT GET TO HAVE A HUSBAND AND BOYFRIEND. Got that????? Simply saying she is sorry does not get rid of the boyfriend.

 

Do you believe if you had taken the attitude of despair you had when you first posted that she would not have gone????? You know exactly what would have happened, you heard her tell him what was going to happen.

 

So get your ass upstairs and talk the entire week end about how SHE is going to rebuild the marriage, not how you are going to give her free reign to go underground with this affair until she can get him to drive to your city.

 

Take a deep breath and start talking to her. If you do not, she will use that as an excuse to talk to him. Do not make it that easy for her.

[Friskyone4u]

Jurassic

 

So there is ONE thing that apparently everyone agrees upon, including our buddy who thinks she should be smothered with love and not give you any possibilities to think about. And that one thing is that in no uncertain terms that she gives up the boyfriend and that means totally!!! Not

Maybe! Not, we"ll see what the therapist says ! No conditions ! The boyfriend goes !

Let us know when that happens . Then you start talk out MC

[JS84]

You need to stop talking to her unless it's about the divorce or the kids. Especially if your discussions, I don't care who is acting worse, is affecting your children. Your back and forth talks are getting neither of you anywhere. What else is left to say at this point?

[Try]

She asked me to cuddle with her, I refused. She got angry at me and now I've locked myself in the basement she was banging on the door and told me not to bother coming back to our bedroom for the night.

You wife is a remorseless cheater that feels that she has the right to refuse to cut off contact with the other man (OM), and that she gets to decide if she visits this love interest for the weekend or not without concern for your feelings. In fact she feels so full of herself that even though she has flat out refused to end it with the OM, the fact that she decided not to spend this weekend with the OM entitles her to you being grateful. She really believes that you being her monkey and doing the pick me dance is her God given right.

 

I wish I knew why she resents me so much. I gave her anything and everything she wanted, maybe that's the problem. I could confidently say that I loved her for our entire marriage and still do. I just feel abused by her.

The resentment that she falsely claims that she has is nothing more than a tool used by her to manipulate you into allowing her to continue abusing you in this relationship.

[aliveagain]

You might want to pack a bag for Monday night if you are having her served on Monday. Find a place to spend a night or two so she can be on her own to digest what just happened. Go no contact while your gone so she can experience what life without you looks like. Make sure your lawyer approves.

[MickeyBill]

You might want to pack a bag for Monday night if you are having her served on Monday. Find a place to spend a night or two so she can be on her own to digest what just happened. Go no contact while your gone so she can experience what life without you looks like. Make sure your lawyer approves.

 

What about the kids?

[BluesPower]

You need to stop talking to her unless it's about the divorce or the kids. Especially if your discussions, I don't care who is acting worse, is affecting your children. Your back and forth talks are getting neither of you anywhere. What else is left to say at this point?

 

I know that the are different approaches to this sort of thing.

 

However, this one here is the most sound at the moment.

 

You need to continue the divorce, or let her think that after she is serve on Monday.

 

Here is just one thing to think about, She just, what Friday night, said that she is mess up in the head. Wow, that is just really convenient for her to say that, so all is forgiven now? Wrong.

 

She is not even close and won't be for a while to being in a place of forgiveness. Nowhere near that.

 

She needs to stew for a while and let what she is doing sink in. Which, I am not sure that it will but who knows.

 

OP, you have taken positive steps to take control of your life. You have to continue on this path.

 

If your wife has had a break down of some kind, take her to a head doctor to have her evaluated, WITH YOU IN THE ROOM THE WHOLE TIME, is it is allowed.

 

If you waver one bit in the stance that you have taken you will be back to square one in a heartbeat.

 

If she is really sick, then you can decide how to help her and what impact that may have on your marriage.

 

You need to stay the course, stay strong. And do not do any of these things until you know more about everything:

 

1) Do not sleep in the same bed with her.

2) Do not have sex with her, it will cloud your judgment and make her feel like all is forgiven.

3) Do not engage her in any conversation that does not involve the divorce or the kids until she has been seen by a doctor.

 

You must stay strong OP...

[Jurassic12]

Well it's too late on the sex thing. She came downstairs and initiated. I should of stopped but I'm too weak. She told me she feels messed up in the head, but I think she is lying. I mean it could be true, she has completely changed. She's now telling me she doesn't need a psych evaluation, all we should worry about is working on our marriage.

 

I asked did you stop speaking to OM? Her response: not yet, but she will stop. I told her to just leave me alone then, she said she's sorry for the hurt she's caused me and hates seeing me upset. I said no you don't, all you care about it yourself. She called me ridiculous and told me she never was going to go see him, she wanted to at first and now thinks it's ridiculous.

 

I told her if she cares about me or our marriage she'll go to a psych evaluation and cut off contact with OM. She said she will and that she loves me. I feel like she's playing mind games with me or is trying to get back at me for something. I am still having her served, I feel like ****.

[merrmeade]

Oops - wrote all this before reading OP's post #362...

 

Please keep in mind the idea of a mediator. I don't know at what stage that's started in divorce proceedings, but maybe you could do it immediately.

 

Mediation draws from many fields—psychology, law, communication Mediators help people in conflict agree on terms for solution to the conflict.

 

Marriage counseling, on the other hand, gets to work on saving the marriage and treats each party's needs equally. I think you have to work to find someone specialized in infidelity, who knows the importance of protecting the BS from more trauma in the beginning (imo). Even then it can go nowhere very slowly for the BS. That was my experience.

 

In your case, your wife is not showing the necessary remorse or behavior conducive to reconciliation. She doesn't even begin to make that realistic but doesn't show that she grasps why or what she needs to do to get there. Plus she seems to have her own crazy agenda. A mediator helps the parties get these things clearly articulated—what your bottom line is, for example:

- cutting all contact forever with OM

- letting you monitor all accounts and have access to passwords for as long as you need

- etc.

 

You would explain your version of relevant history. She would explain hers. Whether or not either of you gains insight, the mediator will hear who's done what. She's a disinterested third party who can interpret your conditions to your wife and your wife's to you. She facilitates conversation about what each of you wants, what's negotiable and what's not.

 

It's either a precursor to marriage counseling or a negotiation of divorce terms that protects everyone. It does not have to end up in divorce, but if it does it helps everyone feel safe.

 

I understand this much from a relative in this profession, but how you get started, I do not know.

Edited March 4, 2017 by merrmeade
add title, clarification

[merrmeade]

Um, yes. Does seem like she's playing mind games with you. Calling you ridiculous should be insulting and a deal breaker, Jurassic, a sign that SHE is ridiculously out of touch OR pushing your buttons. Your reactions were normal before.

 

'No contact' has some non-negotiable parameters:

 

You are in charge of what, when and how it's done.

Cancel all digital communication NOW; make it impossible. Block him everywhere.

She can write a letter that you approve and mail.

You get access to all accounts, all passwords indefinitely.

 

These are the basics.

 

(Look up suggestions for No Contact letters. Remember it is YOUR call.)