She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[merrmeade]

This.

 

It sounds and looks like she is wanting to reconcile. You do too. Work towards that end. Anything that you may do which detracts from that will simply hurt you.

 

Again, since you both seem to have decided to reconcile and both seem to be all in, ask yourself: is what we are doing good for US? If it is, then do it. If it could tear you apart, then don't.

it's really this simple. If it's not - if doubts and "what ifs" keep coming up - then, problems.

 

But if it is that simple, then go straight and ignore naysayers.

[Jurassic12]

It's been a week from hell. It's suspected that she has BPD and she does have depression. We went to a marriage counseling session together and she just starts to bawl.

 

Six months ago she downloaded tinder swiped right on this guy she found attractive and they had a sex fest in a hotel. I told her to **** herself and left the session.

 

I made her take a lie detector test to prove that it only happened once and this was the only time she's had sex with anyone else other than me. She passed but I still told her she can't come home.

 

She is staying at her parents, very shaken up about all of this and constant messages. I've lost weight and all I do is cry. Our kids are upset because their mom is living with grandpa and grandma. Please wish me luck moving forward.

[GoldenR]

Very sorry, Jurassic. Very, very sorry.

 

I know this won't help you right now, but just know that eventually, somehow, some way, things will get better. They really will.

 

Stay strong, brother.

[BuddyX]

Check page 2 of this thread and what I wrote. Funny how she's following every step in the book.

 

If you're married and download a dating app, that's cheating. Period. Meeting with the OM is irrelevant info. Seriously, the entire process of Tinder hook up takes time and thought. Downloading the app, swiping, Messaging. Time she could've used, for you know, improving her marriage. Or parenting skills.

 

I know I'll get some flak for this, but guys jump on dating apps to get laid. Women usually want something deeper. This complicates your situation. Something is def off with your wife.

 

Take care of yourself. Get some rest. You're still a father, focus on that.

[Marc878]

You need some time to think. Don't jump into R at this time.

 

This was pre meditated and planned. I don't think you know or realize what you maybe dealing with.

[Jurassic12]

Thanks everyone. I think she is sorry, but I just don't know what to do anymore. She's a broken person obviously, much more than I thought. Her parents don't want me to divorce her but that's not their decision. They told me she throws up and cries often and calls herself names. I'm afraid to have her around our house. Only so much I can do. I love this woman, it's just so hard.

[Friskyone4u]

Thanks everyone. I think she is sorry, but I just don't know what to do anymore. She's a broken person obviously, much more than I thought. Her parents don't want me to divorce her but that's not their decision. They told me she throws up and cries often and calls herself names. I'm afraid to have her around our house. Only so much I can do. I love this woman, it's just so hard.

 

Jurassic

 

First sorry atnwhat you found out, but not surprised . As I said , you can reconcile without the truth . At least you did not rugsweep.

 

Jurassic, most of not all BH love their wives . So let's put that aside. So six months ago or whenever she goes online and get laid. And next step is it wets her appetite and she starts another affair and comes within 24 hours of having another hotel sex fest . Only you waking up at the last minute stops that.

Then she breaks NC and accepts phone call from OM momma s boy.

 

Then you mention divorce and she's sorry !! Really !! No Jurassic she is sorry she got caught and faces s real bad consequences . And now the therapist has given her the perfect excuse . BPD depression .

 

Well, that s anserious diagnosis and you're in store for years of therapy , probably meds that if she forgets to take or stops she can then do it again and

now there's a reason. She's mentally ill and not responsible .

 

And remember she had the opportunity to tell you herself but chose

not to before you said a word about divorce . You asked on the poly about if she had sex with others. Did you ask if she went back on Tinder and when the last time was??

 

Jurassic you need to stop talking to her parents. They are concerned about two things. Their daughters happiness and their grandkids . Your FIL does not wake up next to a woman who has done what she has . Therefore he does not get to pressure you on anything.

 

She needs to stay away until you make a decision and you better understand what you are facing . And by the way. There are millions of women with depression that don't **** other men

[Quiet Storms]

So sorry to hear that.

 

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD is almost impossible. I think that my ex-boyfriend (we just broke up after almost 2 years) has BPD. It was a nightmarish hurricane from hell - when it wasn't the highest of highs.

 

First step - I hope you don't let her parents influence anything.

 

I wish you well during this difficult time.

[BluesPower]

I was afraid that this was going to be the case.

 

So now, after everything that she put you through with the other loser. she was out screwing another guy.

 

Like Mark said, you DO NOT HAVE TO DECIDE ANYTHING right now.

 

I know that you are hurting so bad. We have all been there. For you, it is a double shot of pain, because of the other affair that she was having.

 

So, now it is about the worst possible case. You have to realize that you are in shock. Try to take care of yourself.

 

What did the doc say besides Borderline (BPD)? Is he/she fairly sure of the diagnosis?

 

Her parents don't want you to divorce her because they don't want to take care of her. You need to make sure that they understand not to put any pressure on you about that. If you have too, you need to tell them to kiss your A** and butt out.

 

Try to keep posting here. We will listen. Even if you think what you are feeling is stupid post it. You have to have someone to talk to.

 

Think about this, I am 52, I loved my wife as much as any man alive. She put be through 9 kinds of hell for 26 year because of her Bi-polar depression and hidden drug addiction and her 2 affairs that I know about.

 

For me, as much as I loved her, and damn me to hell I still do, I feel like such a fool. I thought that I was duty bound to take care of her and raise my children as a single dad, because she was wasted all the time.

 

The weight that was lifted off my shoulders when I finally divorced her... words cannot be described. I am not saying that you are at this point, but I am saying, please don't be a fool like I was.

 

Conversely, I just spent the weekend with my #1 GF. I cannot tell you the difference between a woman that is not crazy that actually loves you and my ex wife.

 

It is like my world had opened up and the sun is shining brighter that I thought possible.

 

None of this is meant to sway you in one direction or the other, just understand that life does not have to include this type of pain and suffering.

 

OP, try to hang in there and get into some type of therapy for yourself as soon as you can. You are going to need a lot of help dealing with this.

 

Man I am so sorry that you are hurting, believe me, most of us have suffered the exact pain that you are feeling right now.

 

Don't be afraid to cry, we are all crying with you...

[Jurassic12]

If she had BPD the doctor said it most likely would not be a severe case, possibly minor but nothing is confirmed. I am hoping that's not it. She has depression. It's so hard, I care about her so much and I want her to be okay.

 

The questions asked was did you have sex with the tinder guy other than that specific day. Have you had any sexual contact with anyone other than Jurassic or tinder guy. Have you had any other affairs emotional or physical that Jurassic is not aware of. She did pass.

 

She is a mess but so am I. She begs everyday to come back home. Her parents are telling me I can't keep her out like this.

 

I talked to her on the phone today for a few hours to hear what she had to say. Said she loves me and the kids more than anything and would die before she ever hurt us again. Told me she couldn't keep it inside anymore and is sorry she did it during the counseling session. Pleading how much I mean to her. How she will never forget the look on my face when she told me about the betrayal.

 

I told her she can probably come home tomorrow. Have not seen her face to face four days, longest time we've ever spent not seeing each other. God I want to see her so bad but don't want too at the same time.

[BluesPower]

If she had BPD the doctor said it most likely would not be a severe case, possibly minor but nothing is confirmed. I am hoping that's not it. She has depression. It's so hard, I care about her so much and I want her to be okay.

 

The questions asked was did you have sex with the tinder guy other than that specific day. Have you had any sexual contact with anyone other than Jurassic or tinder guy. Have you had any other affairs emotional or physical that Jurassic is not aware of. She did pass.

 

She is a mess but so am I. She begs everyday to come back home. Her parents are telling me I can't keep her out like this.

 

I talked to her on the phone today for a few hours to hear what she had to say. Said she loves me and the kids more than anything and would die before she ever hurt us again. Told me she couldn't keep it inside anymore and is sorry she did it during the counseling session. Pleading how much I mean to her. How she will never forget the look on my face when she told me about the betrayal.

 

I told her she can probably come home tomorrow. Have not seen her face to face four days, longest time we've ever spent not seeing each other. God I want to see her so bad but don't want too at the same time.

 

Jurassic12, Hold the phone buddy...

 

Look, who are her parents to tell you anything man. Listen, you were weak with her when you found out about the loser in his moms basement. She was going to go screw him on your dime all weekend, like she did with the tinder guy.

 

She did not stop that fiasco until you got tough. Then you find out about the actual tinder hook up and you are going to let her back into the house?

 

What are you thinking? Do you think you are going to be able to think and grief with her throwing herself at you sexually and every other way? She will at some point try to blow you 2 or 3 times a day. She will offer you every sex act you can imagine. Are you going to even know your name when she starts that? Are you going to be able to think straight when she is screaming and crying prostrate on the floor begging you to take her back and not divorce her. Can you take that? Because that is what is going to happen. Your wife actually had monkey sex with a dude she met on tinder. I bet it was unprotected sex at that? Your wife is gone. She chose to do this to you. She chose to rub the other affair in your face and degrade you.

 

Please be strong. Keep her away from you. You are in shock for the second time in what a month?

 

You cannot handle what she is fixing to do to you. She is begging because she got caught and then confessed to are real live monkey sex weekend with the tinder guy.

 

She does not care for you dude, no matter how much you love her.

 

Can't you see what her and her parents are doing? They are trying to make you a stooge, again, and again.

 

Please do not be weak again. I know you are hurting, I know that you miss the wife that you thought you had. This woman is not the wife that you loved. She is an imposter.

 

Please don't do this. Keep her away from you...

Edited March 20, 2017 by BluesPower

[Darren Steez]

If she had BPD the doctor said it most likely would not be a severe case, possibly minor but nothing is confirmed. I am hoping that's not it. She has depression. It's so hard, I care about her so much and I want her to be okay.

 

The questions asked was did you have sex with the tinder guy other than that specific day. Have you had any sexual contact with anyone other than Jurassic or tinder guy. Have you had any other affairs emotional or physical that Jurassic is not aware of. She did pass.

 

She is a mess but so am I. She begs everyday to come back home. Her parents are telling me I can't keep her out like this.

 

I talked to her on the phone today for a few hours to hear what she had to say. Said she loves me and the kids more than anything and would die before she ever hurt us again. Told me she couldn't keep it inside anymore and is sorry she did it during the counseling session. Pleading how much I mean to her. How she will never forget the look on my face when she told me about the betrayal.

 

I told her she can probably come home tomorrow. Have not seen her face to face four days, longest time we've ever spent not seeing each other. God I want to see her so bad but don't want too at the same time.

 

You get what you pay for.

 

You wished for luck, you're definitely going to need it.

 

Good luck

[Marc878]

Thanks everyone. I think she is sorry, but I just don't know what to do anymore. She's a broken person obviously, much more than I thought. Her parents don't want me to divorce her but that's not their decision. They told me she throws up and cries often and calls herself names. I'm afraid to have her around our house. Only so much I can do. I love this woman, it's just so hard.

 

Of course they don't it would be a huge burden on them. They are wanting what's in her and their best interest.

 

Better get STD tests lined up. If this OM is on tinder it's hard to tell who he's been with and affair sex is always unprotected.

 

R is a 2-5 year process with no guarantees. Better think long and hard on what you want. Infidelity never goes away. Ask yourself if this is something you can live with long term. If you R you'll have to accept it.

[MickeyBill]

Thanks everyone. I think she is sorry, but I just don't know what to do anymore. She's a broken person obviously, much more than I thought. Her parents don't want me to divorce her but that's not their decision. They told me she throws up and cries often and calls herself names. I'm afraid to have her around our house. Only so much I can do. I love this woman, it's just so hard.

 

Let them deal with her for a few weeks, you need to recover from the Tinder guy revelation. Was he before the guy who lives with his mom?

 

You can get over a D in a year more or less. R will take many many more, with no guarantee of the outcome.

If you feel you must, let her visit for a scheduled couple hours, like 6pm-8pm. Don't let her come "back home". It'll be a ****storm that she will blame you for once she tires of love bombing you.

And tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not have sex with her without a a clean STD panel.

[Dark-Farmer]

Jurassic my heart breaks for you man!!!!

I don't even really know what to say.

 

I guess you should take some time to yourself and figure out if the physical aspect is a deal breaker for you. Think long and hard, cause it'll affect your life significantly one way or the other and if you don't choose right you'll be back at this spot of you're life in a few years.

 

I had hope for you guys, but i sort of gather the physical aspect may be across your line. If it is you have to end it.

[MickeyBill]

Said she loves me and the kids more than anything and would die before she ever hurt us again.

 

This is the fog talking, at least she didn't swear on the lives of any one...

very sad development. Your marriage is over and the wife you knew is gone.

The question is, can you start a new relationship with the person she is now.

 

She will constantly be in your life until the kids are 18 and then at graduations, weddings, etc, do you think she will not wander in the upcoming years? It's anyones guess.

[harrybrown]

So what did she do with the tinder guy?

 

Things that she would not do with you.

 

Did she write out all of the activities?

 

What about the Stds?

 

Get checked, but do not let her come home.

 

Get the D now. If you still want to let her come home, she can come home, but not as your wife.

 

then when she cheats again, which she will, you can have her leave, because you are already divorced.

 

 

She is not who you think she is, and she will hurt you again.

 

Get the D now.

[aliveagain]

Friend, you have told her your boundaries, she knows what the consequences are if she breaks them, that's all you can do. You can not force her to stay or be faithful. Document everything including any monies she has spent on the hotel and trip, these can be deducted from her side of the settlement if you split. This is sounding more like some sort of a breakdown, is she on any kind of medication? Does any bipolar type of disorders run in her family? Honour the consequence of your ultimatum or she will never take anything you threaten seriously again.

 

Just 3 weeks ago when I wrote you this post she loved you but wasn't in love with you, she was emailing O/M that she couldn't wait to wake up next to him and was going to drive 5 hours so she could rock his world. She also swore to you that she never slept with him but she was in fact in love with him. She forgot to mention that 6 or so months earlier she spent the weekend having porn star sex with some guy she picked up on the internet. This isn't her first affair, don't be so eager to reconcile until you have time to think about what's really involved and read a bit about bipolar disorder. One of the symptoms is infidelity. Many can have a great life with the right medications, they constantly need to be upgraded as the disorder changes.

 

My ex was bipolar, 3 suicide attempts, one affair child and years of hell. They like the high they get when they are hyper sexed and off the meds. Don't decide on R or D until you have her properly assessed. Get tested for all STD's, they don't test for all STD's(like Herpes) unless you ask for it. STD's can be spread by oral and simple finger insertion. She spent a weekend with her first affair partner, be safe. Think about what you really want and what your willing to live with because none of this is ever going to go away.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

First, she may have never really intend to sleep with EA guy. That is the good news. She intended it as a tool to hurt you the way she "precieves" you hurt her.

 

Tinder guy was done out of spite for the same reason. A secret "double secret probation" like in animal house.

 

You need to read Downtown's many posts on the subject http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/84986-downtown/. I PMed him to alert him of your thread.

 

You said mild case of BPD. To echo Downtown the tests for BPD are more art then science. They are based on the results of 9? Personality traits. The high scores accross many of the "traits" are interrupted as a person being BPD. Understand an emotionally healthy person "must" have low scores accross these same tests.

 

Bottom line, she reacted to "issues" in her marriage the way a 12 or 13 year old would. Teen years are the worst as many parents will tell you. Marriage is founded on two adults in a reiationship of absolute equals. At this point your marriage is between an adult and a child.

 

Can't help but think of the song: she really hates me.

[Jersey born raised]

Oh, the push/pull dynamic is common, social image, and getting even rule the life of BPD life.

[Imajerk17]

I agree w the others. Take her back? You don't even know this woman right now!

 

1. I mean, she didn't just cheat due to "it just happened", she actually set up a Tinder account to do so. This was premeditated.

 

2. And it seemingly came out of nowhere. Less than a year ago she told you how happy she was.

 

3. What happened w the dude living in Mommy's basement was bad enough, and grounds for separation. But we all here (almost) stopped talking about it because of this latest bombshell. My point is, you have way too much to deal with to let her back into your lives like this.

 

4. So not two weeks ago she was brazenly disrespecting you, saying she wanted Guy In Mom's basement while you wait at home....but now you all mean everything to her?? I don't think so. Right now she is crying but that is only because it looks like she is going to have to deal w the consequences.

 

At the very least before you let her back home, you both need to get to the bottom of WHY this all happened. And "mild" BPD and depression hardly explain this at all.

Edited March 20, 2017 by Imajerk17

[merrmeade]

Six months ago she downloaded tinder swiped right on this guy she found attractive and they had a sex fest in a hotel. I told her to **** herself and left the session.

WHAT??!! Oh man, Jurassic, I feel betrayed by your wife after her demeaning arrogance, ridicule and gaslighting of you. She has freaking got to own that chunk of recent history in her list of unforgivables.

 

If I could write a non-negotiable prerequisite for reconciliation it would be this: Let them wallow and wail in the fire of the living hell—exposure, confession, etc.—they created for as long as possible. Forever, if that's what you need. Whichever, it is TOTALLY up to you — NOT her parents, NOT her and not even your kids. YOU get to decide when and if you are able to stomach the possibility of swallowing the mythological size shyte sandwich she fed you.

 

I'm going to think about this and try to weigh it against my own experience with gaslighting but think that, right now, she NEEDS to keep burning in this hell of her own making. My caveat is this: I don't want to be a hypocrite because I myself swallowed untold numbers of those sandwiches. In fact, I had a recent confrontation with WH, first in months, about some old letters of ours I found and the timing of what happened when. Bottom line for me now is that it was so different from previous encounters. He tried. He was not threatened. And after I said enough, he asked how to make it up to me.

 

Guess I'm saying that I do believe in WS reform after such blatant lying and cruelty.

 

I'm over the affair(s), but will never get back the confidence, hope and love of life that used to be my reality because I did not get what I needed from him—empathy and truth communicated in words. I'm don't know if a divorced BS can either, but I do think that what your wife is going through is essential suffering for her to go through and for you to see. Tough titty if her parents can't take it. Maybe that's the problem! She needs to take the full punishment of her betrayal and seeing the look on your face is NOT enough.

 

But nevermind her. It's all about what you need right now. Don't forget that for one minute so you can heal. It's your call, all of it from this point on. You have plenty of time. Do not take her back now is my best advice. Let her keep going to therapy. If her parents don't want her, it's not your responsibility to take her back for their sake.

[Cephalopod]

Tell her the two of you are divorcing. If she wants any kind of relationship with you, granting you a fair dissolution of the legal contract between the two of you is your main requirement.

 

During the divorce proceedings, she must go to IC and work on her boundaries and sundry issues. You, conversely, will work on your issues. Once the divorce is finalized, the two of you can start dating again... if she shows enough progress to make you feel like she is becoming a safe partner.

 

Ask her what is more important: the marriage or the relationship. The relationship should be the most important,. She should want to be with you and only you whether the two of you are married or not.

[spanz1]

she seems to have the tell tale signs of being a Bipolar sex addict.

 

Things like, her face timing the guy when you are in the room or the kids are.

 

Normally does not take nude photos, but sent a ton to him

 

Can not figure out what she wants to do

 

Can not figure out why you would want to stay with her (the depression part, and the unsurety of her own worth, which leads her to need to find men to tell her she is sexy)

 

The kinky sex acts she was doing with him.

 

So IF i were you, and IF i wanted to try to salvage this....i would definitely try to get her evaluated by a psychiatrist, and to get some medicine for BPR. I have talked to some bipolar women, and in fact they CAN have a loving monogamous marriage IF THEY STAY ON THEIR MEDS. If they go off the meds, they can not help but to cheat again.

[merrmeade]

It's been a week from hell. It's suspected that she has BPD and she does have depression.

 

Six months ago she downloaded tinder swiped right on this guy she found attractive and they had a sex fest in a hotel. I told her to **** herself and left the session.

 

I made her take a lie detector test to prove that it only happened once and this was the only time she's had sex with anyone else other than me. She passed but I still told her she can't come home.

If she had BPD the doctor said it most likely would not be a severe case, possibly minor but nothing is confirmed. I am hoping that's not it. She has depression.

 

The questions asked was did you have sex with the tinder guy other than that specific day. Have you had any sexual contact with anyone other than Jurassic or tinder guy. Have you had any other affairs emotional or physical that Jurassic is not aware of. She did pass.

 

... she will never forget the look on my face when she told me about the betrayal.

 

I told her she can probably come home tomorrow. ...

Are you seeing a professional, Jurassic? If for no other reason than to ask about what could be happening to your wife - although there's plenty of reason for you to get some support and feedback.

 

But my question about your wife is how any of this could be the first time? Sex fest with a stranger? How does that come out of nowhere?

 

Is somebody like that capable of fooling a lie detector test?