She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[road]

I realize there's worse things than getting divorced from the woman I love. It's just I can't throw it all away without trying atleast. When we first got together we barely had any money and struggled a lot. She was always my motivation to do better. Every morning I would literally wake up to her smile because we never went to bed mad at each other. I have invested too much time into our life together and I can't atleast try to fix this. She needs to put in more effort than me since she caused this which she has been doing.

 

There were some signs, I know she was frustrated with my work schedule and told me she would prefer if I was home more. My wife is Greek and her parents wanted to marry her to some rich Greek guy, they picked out some rich guy to meet and he wanted to marry her but she told them she loved me. Her parents really didn't like me at first, but she always defended me and has literally been my motivation along with our kids for all these years. It's so tough to do. In private she would often tell me how lucky she is to be married to her best friend. Told me how she can't wait to see our grandkids future vacations and spend all this time together.

 

The thought of not having her in my life everyday scares me, but it's not the worst thing in the world. NC is still going on, I have access to everything of hers and she suggested I gps track her phone so she doesn't make me paranoid when I'm at work.

 

She has said she is resentful and jealous of me. Since I'm out working and I enjoy my job and she works at home, also has become resentful of my work hours which I'm going to start working on. Told me she went horribly far and always tried to justify her actions to herself in private.

 

The thing is she can just leave me, her family is kind of wealthy and our jobs make the same amount of money basically. Told me she would never leave me for this guy or any other guy ever. Words are words, I need actions.

 

Actions are her living an open book, giving over all passwords, all online accounts, phone bill, gps her car and her phone.

 

 

All these things are done to prove that the affair is over, NC is in place and not being broken, that WW is no longer lying and is where she say's she is.

This is how the broken trust is repaired and a marriage recovers.

 

 

When a WW does these things it is a good indication that recovery will be

successful.

 

 

Now why recover?

 

 

You were not wanting to divorce your WW. You did not want her to leave the marriage. Then add the longer two are together the more shared history makes it harder to split up. So weighing all the +'s and -'s the

BH decides if he thinks his life will be better with WW or without WW.

Then the BH decides his course.

[deadsoul]

I realize there's worse things than getting divorced from the woman I love. It's just I can't throw it all away without trying atleast. When we first got together we barely had any money and struggled a lot. She was always my motivation to do better. Every morning I would literally wake up to her smile because we never went to bed mad at each other. I have invested too much time into our life together and I can't atleast try to fix this. She needs to put in more effort than me since she caused this which she has been doing.

 

There were some signs, I know she was frustrated with my work schedule and told me she would prefer if I was home more. My wife is Greek and her parents wanted to marry her to some rich Greek guy, they picked out some rich guy to meet and he wanted to marry her but she told them she loved me. Her parents really didn't like me at first, but she always defended me and has literally been my motivation along with our kids for all these years. It's so tough to do. In private she would often tell me how lucky she is to be married to her best friend. Told me how she can't wait to see our grandkids future vacations and spend all this time together.

 

The thought of not having her in my life everyday scares me, but it's not the worst thing in the world. NC is still going on, I have access to everything of hers and she suggested I gps track her phone so she doesn't make me paranoid when I'm at work.

 

She has said she is resentful and jealous of me. Since I'm out working and I enjoy my job and she works at home, also has become resentful of my work hours which I'm going to start working on. Told me she went horribly far and always tried to justify her actions to herself in private.

 

The thing is she can just leave me, her family is kind of wealthy and our jobs make the same amount of money basically. Told me she would never leave me for this guy or any other guy ever. Words are words, I need actions.

 

I admire you Jurassic. Especially the part about not having her in your life scares me, but it's not the worst thing. That shows that you know you will be okay without her. As long as her actions show you she wants the same things, I think you guys have a strong chance of surviving this. If her actions show otherwise, then you know what you have to do to protect yourself and your children.

[HangnTN]

This is a bit simplistic, but accurate and spot on in your case Jurassic

 

The Sunk Cost Fallacy

 

The Misconception: You make rational decisions based on the future value of objects, investments and experiences.

The Truth: Your decisions are tainted by the emotional investments you accumulate, and the more you invest in something the harder it becomes to abandon it.

 

 

Sunk costs are a favorite subject of economists. Simply put, they are payments or investments which can never be recovered. An android with fully functioning logic circuits would never make a decision which took sunk costs into account, but you would. As an emotional human, your aversion to loss often leads you right into the sunk cost fallacy.

[JamesM]

Actions are her living an open book, giving over all passwords, all online accounts, phone bill, gps her car and her phone.

 

 

All these things are done to prove that the affair is over, NC is in place and not being broken, that WW is no longer lying and is where she say's she is.

This is how the broken trust is repaired and a marriage recovers.

 

 

When a WW does these things it is a good indication that recovery will be

successful.

 

 

Now why recover?

 

 

You were not wanting to divorce your WW. You did not want her to leave the marriage. Then add the longer two are together the more shared history makes it harder to split up. So weighing all the +'s and -'s the

BH decides if he thinks his life will be better with WW or without WW.

Then the BH decides his course.

 

This.

 

It sounds and looks like she is wanting to reconcile. You do too. Work towards that end. Anything that you may do which detracts from that will simply hurt you.

 

Again, since you both seem to have decided to reconcile and both seem to be all in, ask yourself: is what we are doing good for US? If it is, then do it. If it could tear you apart, then don't.

[merrmeade]

This.

 

It sounds and looks like she is wanting to reconcile. You do too. Work towards that end. Anything that you may do which detracts from that will simply hurt you.

 

Again, since you both seem to have decided to reconcile and both seem to be all in, ask yourself: is what we are doing good for US? If it is, then do it. If it could tear you apart, then don't.

it's really this simple. If it's not - if doubts and "what ifs" keep coming up - then, problems.

 

But if it is that simple, then go straight and ignore naysayers.

[Jurassic12]

It's been a week from hell. It's suspected that she has BPD and she does have depression. We went to a marriage counseling session together and she just starts to bawl.

 

Six months ago she downloaded tinder swiped right on this guy she found attractive and they had a sex fest in a hotel. I told her to **** herself and left the session.

 

I made her take a lie detector test to prove that it only happened once and this was the only time she's had sex with anyone else other than me. She passed but I still told her she can't come home.

 

She is staying at her parents, very shaken up about all of this and constant messages. I've lost weight and all I do is cry. Our kids are upset because their mom is living with grandpa and grandma. Please wish me luck moving forward.

[GoldenR]

Very sorry, Jurassic. Very, very sorry.

 

I know this won't help you right now, but just know that eventually, somehow, some way, things will get better. They really will.

 

Stay strong, brother.

[BuddyX]

Check page 2 of this thread and what I wrote. Funny how she's following every step in the book.

 

If you're married and download a dating app, that's cheating. Period. Meeting with the OM is irrelevant info. Seriously, the entire process of Tinder hook up takes time and thought. Downloading the app, swiping, Messaging. Time she could've used, for you know, improving her marriage. Or parenting skills.

 

I know I'll get some flak for this, but guys jump on dating apps to get laid. Women usually want something deeper. This complicates your situation. Something is def off with your wife.

 

Take care of yourself. Get some rest. You're still a father, focus on that.

[Marc878]

You need some time to think. Don't jump into R at this time.

 

This was pre meditated and planned. I don't think you know or realize what you maybe dealing with.

[Jurassic12]

Thanks everyone. I think she is sorry, but I just don't know what to do anymore. She's a broken person obviously, much more than I thought. Her parents don't want me to divorce her but that's not their decision. They told me she throws up and cries often and calls herself names. I'm afraid to have her around our house. Only so much I can do. I love this woman, it's just so hard.

[Friskyone4u]

Thanks everyone. I think she is sorry, but I just don't know what to do anymore. She's a broken person obviously, much more than I thought. Her parents don't want me to divorce her but that's not their decision. They told me she throws up and cries often and calls herself names. I'm afraid to have her around our house. Only so much I can do. I love this woman, it's just so hard.

 

Jurassic

 

First sorry atnwhat you found out, but not surprised . As I said , you can reconcile without the truth . At least you did not rugsweep.

 

Jurassic, most of not all BH love their wives . So let's put that aside. So six months ago or whenever she goes online and get laid. And next step is it wets her appetite and she starts another affair and comes within 24 hours of having another hotel sex fest . Only you waking up at the last minute stops that.

Then she breaks NC and accepts phone call from OM momma s boy.

 

Then you mention divorce and she's sorry !! Really !! No Jurassic she is sorry she got caught and faces s real bad consequences . And now the therapist has given her the perfect excuse . BPD depression .

 

Well, that s anserious diagnosis and you're in store for years of therapy , probably meds that if she forgets to take or stops she can then do it again and

now there's a reason. She's mentally ill and not responsible .

 

And remember she had the opportunity to tell you herself but chose

not to before you said a word about divorce . You asked on the poly about if she had sex with others. Did you ask if she went back on Tinder and when the last time was??

 

Jurassic you need to stop talking to her parents. They are concerned about two things. Their daughters happiness and their grandkids . Your FIL does not wake up next to a woman who has done what she has . Therefore he does not get to pressure you on anything.

 

She needs to stay away until you make a decision and you better understand what you are facing . And by the way. There are millions of women with depression that don't **** other men

[Quiet Storms]

So sorry to hear that.

 

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD is almost impossible. I think that my ex-boyfriend (we just broke up after almost 2 years) has BPD. It was a nightmarish hurricane from hell - when it wasn't the highest of highs.

 

First step - I hope you don't let her parents influence anything.

 

I wish you well during this difficult time.

[BluesPower]

I was afraid that this was going to be the case.

 

So now, after everything that she put you through with the other loser. she was out screwing another guy.

 

Like Mark said, you DO NOT HAVE TO DECIDE ANYTHING right now.

 

I know that you are hurting so bad. We have all been there. For you, it is a double shot of pain, because of the other affair that she was having.

 

So, now it is about the worst possible case. You have to realize that you are in shock. Try to take care of yourself.

 

What did the doc say besides Borderline (BPD)? Is he/she fairly sure of the diagnosis?

 

Her parents don't want you to divorce her because they don't want to take care of her. You need to make sure that they understand not to put any pressure on you about that. If you have too, you need to tell them to kiss your A** and butt out.

 

Try to keep posting here. We will listen. Even if you think what you are feeling is stupid post it. You have to have someone to talk to.

 

Think about this, I am 52, I loved my wife as much as any man alive. She put be through 9 kinds of hell for 26 year because of her Bi-polar depression and hidden drug addiction and her 2 affairs that I know about.

 

For me, as much as I loved her, and damn me to hell I still do, I feel like such a fool. I thought that I was duty bound to take care of her and raise my children as a single dad, because she was wasted all the time.

 

The weight that was lifted off my shoulders when I finally divorced her... words cannot be described. I am not saying that you are at this point, but I am saying, please don't be a fool like I was.

 

Conversely, I just spent the weekend with my #1 GF. I cannot tell you the difference between a woman that is not crazy that actually loves you and my ex wife.

 

It is like my world had opened up and the sun is shining brighter that I thought possible.

 

None of this is meant to sway you in one direction or the other, just understand that life does not have to include this type of pain and suffering.

 

OP, try to hang in there and get into some type of therapy for yourself as soon as you can. You are going to need a lot of help dealing with this.

 

Man I am so sorry that you are hurting, believe me, most of us have suffered the exact pain that you are feeling right now.

 

Don't be afraid to cry, we are all crying with you...

[Jurassic12]

If she had BPD the doctor said it most likely would not be a severe case, possibly minor but nothing is confirmed. I am hoping that's not it. She has depression. It's so hard, I care about her so much and I want her to be okay.

 

The questions asked was did you have sex with the tinder guy other than that specific day. Have you had any sexual contact with anyone other than Jurassic or tinder guy. Have you had any other affairs emotional or physical that Jurassic is not aware of. She did pass.

 

She is a mess but so am I. She begs everyday to come back home. Her parents are telling me I can't keep her out like this.

 

I talked to her on the phone today for a few hours to hear what she had to say. Said she loves me and the kids more than anything and would die before she ever hurt us again. Told me she couldn't keep it inside anymore and is sorry she did it during the counseling session. Pleading how much I mean to her. How she will never forget the look on my face when she told me about the betrayal.

 

I told her she can probably come home tomorrow. Have not seen her face to face four days, longest time we've ever spent not seeing each other. God I want to see her so bad but don't want too at the same time.

[BluesPower]

If she had BPD the doctor said it most likely would not be a severe case, possibly minor but nothing is confirmed. I am hoping that's not it. She has depression. It's so hard, I care about her so much and I want her to be okay.

 

The questions asked was did you have sex with the tinder guy other than that specific day. Have you had any sexual contact with anyone other than Jurassic or tinder guy. Have you had any other affairs emotional or physical that Jurassic is not aware of. She did pass.

 

She is a mess but so am I. She begs everyday to come back home. Her parents are telling me I can't keep her out like this.

 

I talked to her on the phone today for a few hours to hear what she had to say. Said she loves me and the kids more than anything and would die before she ever hurt us again. Told me she couldn't keep it inside anymore and is sorry she did it during the counseling session. Pleading how much I mean to her. How she will never forget the look on my face when she told me about the betrayal.

 

I told her she can probably come home tomorrow. Have not seen her face to face four days, longest time we've ever spent not seeing each other. God I want to see her so bad but don't want too at the same time.

 

Jurassic12, Hold the phone buddy...

 

Look, who are her parents to tell you anything man. Listen, you were weak with her when you found out about the loser in his moms basement. She was going to go screw him on your dime all weekend, like she did with the tinder guy.

 

She did not stop that fiasco until you got tough. Then you find out about the actual tinder hook up and you are going to let her back into the house?

 

What are you thinking? Do you think you are going to be able to think and grief with her throwing herself at you sexually and every other way? She will at some point try to blow you 2 or 3 times a day. She will offer you every sex act you can imagine. Are you going to even know your name when she starts that? Are you going to be able to think straight when she is screaming and crying prostrate on the floor begging you to take her back and not divorce her. Can you take that? Because that is what is going to happen. Your wife actually had monkey sex with a dude she met on tinder. I bet it was unprotected sex at that? Your wife is gone. She chose to do this to you. She chose to rub the other affair in your face and degrade you.

 

Please be strong. Keep her away from you. You are in shock for the second time in what a month?

 

You cannot handle what she is fixing to do to you. She is begging because she got caught and then confessed to are real live monkey sex weekend with the tinder guy.

 

She does not care for you dude, no matter how much you love her.

 

Can't you see what her and her parents are doing? They are trying to make you a stooge, again, and again.

 

Please do not be weak again. I know you are hurting, I know that you miss the wife that you thought you had. This woman is not the wife that you loved. She is an imposter.

 

Please don't do this. Keep her away from you...

Edited March 20, 2017 by BluesPower

[Darren Steez]

If she had BPD the doctor said it most likely would not be a severe case, possibly minor but nothing is confirmed. I am hoping that's not it. She has depression. It's so hard, I care about her so much and I want her to be okay.

 

The questions asked was did you have sex with the tinder guy other than that specific day. Have you had any sexual contact with anyone other than Jurassic or tinder guy. Have you had any other affairs emotional or physical that Jurassic is not aware of. She did pass.

 

She is a mess but so am I. She begs everyday to come back home. Her parents are telling me I can't keep her out like this.

 

I talked to her on the phone today for a few hours to hear what she had to say. Said she loves me and the kids more than anything and would die before she ever hurt us again. Told me she couldn't keep it inside anymore and is sorry she did it during the counseling session. Pleading how much I mean to her. How she will never forget the look on my face when she told me about the betrayal.

 

I told her she can probably come home tomorrow. Have not seen her face to face four days, longest time we've ever spent not seeing each other. God I want to see her so bad but don't want too at the same time.

 

You get what you pay for.

 

You wished for luck, you're definitely going to need it.

 

Good luck

[Marc878]

Thanks everyone. I think she is sorry, but I just don't know what to do anymore. She's a broken person obviously, much more than I thought. Her parents don't want me to divorce her but that's not their decision. They told me she throws up and cries often and calls herself names. I'm afraid to have her around our house. Only so much I can do. I love this woman, it's just so hard.

 

Of course they don't it would be a huge burden on them. They are wanting what's in her and their best interest.

 

Better get STD tests lined up. If this OM is on tinder it's hard to tell who he's been with and affair sex is always unprotected.

 

R is a 2-5 year process with no guarantees. Better think long and hard on what you want. Infidelity never goes away. Ask yourself if this is something you can live with long term. If you R you'll have to accept it.

[MickeyBill]

Thanks everyone. I think she is sorry, but I just don't know what to do anymore. She's a broken person obviously, much more than I thought. Her parents don't want me to divorce her but that's not their decision. They told me she throws up and cries often and calls herself names. I'm afraid to have her around our house. Only so much I can do. I love this woman, it's just so hard.

 

Let them deal with her for a few weeks, you need to recover from the Tinder guy revelation. Was he before the guy who lives with his mom?

 

You can get over a D in a year more or less. R will take many many more, with no guarantee of the outcome.

If you feel you must, let her visit for a scheduled couple hours, like 6pm-8pm. Don't let her come "back home". It'll be a ****storm that she will blame you for once she tires of love bombing you.

And tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not have sex with her without a a clean STD panel.

[Dark-Farmer]

Jurassic my heart breaks for you man!!!!

I don't even really know what to say.

 

I guess you should take some time to yourself and figure out if the physical aspect is a deal breaker for you. Think long and hard, cause it'll affect your life significantly one way or the other and if you don't choose right you'll be back at this spot of you're life in a few years.

 

I had hope for you guys, but i sort of gather the physical aspect may be across your line. If it is you have to end it.

[MickeyBill]

Said she loves me and the kids more than anything and would die before she ever hurt us again.

 

This is the fog talking, at least she didn't swear on the lives of any one...

very sad development. Your marriage is over and the wife you knew is gone.

The question is, can you start a new relationship with the person she is now.

 

She will constantly be in your life until the kids are 18 and then at graduations, weddings, etc, do you think she will not wander in the upcoming years? It's anyones guess.

[harrybrown]

So what did she do with the tinder guy?

 

Things that she would not do with you.

 

Did she write out all of the activities?

 

What about the Stds?

 

Get checked, but do not let her come home.

 

Get the D now. If you still want to let her come home, she can come home, but not as your wife.

 

then when she cheats again, which she will, you can have her leave, because you are already divorced.

 

 

She is not who you think she is, and she will hurt you again.

 

Get the D now.

[aliveagain]

Friend, you have told her your boundaries, she knows what the consequences are if she breaks them, that's all you can do. You can not force her to stay or be faithful. Document everything including any monies she has spent on the hotel and trip, these can be deducted from her side of the settlement if you split. This is sounding more like some sort of a breakdown, is she on any kind of medication? Does any bipolar type of disorders run in her family? Honour the consequence of your ultimatum or she will never take anything you threaten seriously again.

 

Just 3 weeks ago when I wrote you this post she loved you but wasn't in love with you, she was emailing O/M that she couldn't wait to wake up next to him and was going to drive 5 hours so she could rock his world. She also swore to you that she never slept with him but she was in fact in love with him. She forgot to mention that 6 or so months earlier she spent the weekend having porn star sex with some guy she picked up on the internet. This isn't her first affair, don't be so eager to reconcile until you have time to think about what's really involved and read a bit about bipolar disorder. One of the symptoms is infidelity. Many can have a great life with the right medications, they constantly need to be upgraded as the disorder changes.

 

My ex was bipolar, 3 suicide attempts, one affair child and years of hell. They like the high they get when they are hyper sexed and off the meds. Don't decide on R or D until you have her properly assessed. Get tested for all STD's, they don't test for all STD's(like Herpes) unless you ask for it. STD's can be spread by oral and simple finger insertion. She spent a weekend with her first affair partner, be safe. Think about what you really want and what your willing to live with because none of this is ever going to go away.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

First, she may have never really intend to sleep with EA guy. That is the good news. She intended it as a tool to hurt you the way she "precieves" you hurt her.

 

Tinder guy was done out of spite for the same reason. A secret "double secret probation" like in animal house.

 

You need to read Downtown's many posts on the subject http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/84986-downtown/. I PMed him to alert him of your thread.

 

You said mild case of BPD. To echo Downtown the tests for BPD are more art then science. They are based on the results of 9? Personality traits. The high scores accross many of the "traits" are interrupted as a person being BPD. Understand an emotionally healthy person "must" have low scores accross these same tests.

 

Bottom line, she reacted to "issues" in her marriage the way a 12 or 13 year old would. Teen years are the worst as many parents will tell you. Marriage is founded on two adults in a reiationship of absolute equals. At this point your marriage is between an adult and a child.

 

Can't help but think of the song: she really hates me.

[Jersey born raised]

Oh, the push/pull dynamic is common, social image, and getting even rule the life of BPD life.

[Imajerk17]

I agree w the others. Take her back? You don't even know this woman right now!

 

1. I mean, she didn't just cheat due to "it just happened", she actually set up a Tinder account to do so. This was premeditated.

 

2. And it seemingly came out of nowhere. Less than a year ago she told you how happy she was.

 

3. What happened w the dude living in Mommy's basement was bad enough, and grounds for separation. But we all here (almost) stopped talking about it because of this latest bombshell. My point is, you have way too much to deal with to let her back into your lives like this.

 

4. So not two weeks ago she was brazenly disrespecting you, saying she wanted Guy In Mom's basement while you wait at home....but now you all mean everything to her?? I don't think so. Right now she is crying but that is only because it looks like she is going to have to deal w the consequences.

 

At the very least before you let her back home, you both need to get to the bottom of WHY this all happened. And "mild" BPD and depression hardly explain this at all.

Edited March 20, 2017 by Imajerk17