She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[merrmeade]

Six months ago she downloaded tinder swiped right on this guy she found attractive and they had a sex fest in a hotel. I told her to **** herself and left the session.

WHAT??!! Oh man, Jurassic, I feel betrayed by your wife after her demeaning arrogance, ridicule and gaslighting of you. She has freaking got to own that chunk of recent history in her list of unforgivables.

 

If I could write a non-negotiable prerequisite for reconciliation it would be this: Let them wallow and wail in the fire of the living hell—exposure, confession, etc.—they created for as long as possible. Forever, if that's what you need. Whichever, it is TOTALLY up to you — NOT her parents, NOT her and not even your kids. YOU get to decide when and if you are able to stomach the possibility of swallowing the mythological size shyte sandwich she fed you.

 

I'm going to think about this and try to weigh it against my own experience with gaslighting but think that, right now, she NEEDS to keep burning in this hell of her own making. My caveat is this: I don't want to be a hypocrite because I myself swallowed untold numbers of those sandwiches. In fact, I had a recent confrontation with WH, first in months, about some old letters of ours I found and the timing of what happened when. Bottom line for me now is that it was so different from previous encounters. He tried. He was not threatened. And after I said enough, he asked how to make it up to me.

 

Guess I'm saying that I do believe in WS reform after such blatant lying and cruelty.

 

I'm over the affair(s), but will never get back the confidence, hope and love of life that used to be my reality because I did not get what I needed from him—empathy and truth communicated in words. I'm don't know if a divorced BS can either, but I do think that what your wife is going through is essential suffering for her to go through and for you to see. Tough titty if her parents can't take it. Maybe that's the problem! She needs to take the full punishment of her betrayal and seeing the look on your face is NOT enough.

 

But nevermind her. It's all about what you need right now. Don't forget that for one minute so you can heal. It's your call, all of it from this point on. You have plenty of time. Do not take her back now is my best advice. Let her keep going to therapy. If her parents don't want her, it's not your responsibility to take her back for their sake.

[Cephalopod]

Tell her the two of you are divorcing. If she wants any kind of relationship with you, granting you a fair dissolution of the legal contract between the two of you is your main requirement.

 

During the divorce proceedings, she must go to IC and work on her boundaries and sundry issues. You, conversely, will work on your issues. Once the divorce is finalized, the two of you can start dating again... if she shows enough progress to make you feel like she is becoming a safe partner.

 

Ask her what is more important: the marriage or the relationship. The relationship should be the most important,. She should want to be with you and only you whether the two of you are married or not.

[spanz1]

she seems to have the tell tale signs of being a Bipolar sex addict.

 

Things like, her face timing the guy when you are in the room or the kids are.

 

Normally does not take nude photos, but sent a ton to him

 

Can not figure out what she wants to do

 

Can not figure out why you would want to stay with her (the depression part, and the unsurety of her own worth, which leads her to need to find men to tell her she is sexy)

 

The kinky sex acts she was doing with him.

 

So IF i were you, and IF i wanted to try to salvage this....i would definitely try to get her evaluated by a psychiatrist, and to get some medicine for BPR. I have talked to some bipolar women, and in fact they CAN have a loving monogamous marriage IF THEY STAY ON THEIR MEDS. If they go off the meds, they can not help but to cheat again.

[merrmeade]

It's been a week from hell. It's suspected that she has BPD and she does have depression.

 

Six months ago she downloaded tinder swiped right on this guy she found attractive and they had a sex fest in a hotel. I told her to **** herself and left the session.

 

I made her take a lie detector test to prove that it only happened once and this was the only time she's had sex with anyone else other than me. She passed but I still told her she can't come home.

If she had BPD the doctor said it most likely would not be a severe case, possibly minor but nothing is confirmed. I am hoping that's not it. She has depression.

 

The questions asked was did you have sex with the tinder guy other than that specific day. Have you had any sexual contact with anyone other than Jurassic or tinder guy. Have you had any other affairs emotional or physical that Jurassic is not aware of. She did pass.

 

... she will never forget the look on my face when she told me about the betrayal.

 

I told her she can probably come home tomorrow. ...

Are you seeing a professional, Jurassic? If for no other reason than to ask about what could be happening to your wife - although there's plenty of reason for you to get some support and feedback.

 

But my question about your wife is how any of this could be the first time? Sex fest with a stranger? How does that come out of nowhere?

 

Is somebody like that capable of fooling a lie detector test?

[Downtown]

JerseyBorn, thanks so much for pointing me to Jurassic's thread.

 

If she had BPD the doctor said it most likely would not be a severe case, possibly minor but nothing is confirmed.

Jurassic, is the "doctor" a psychologist or psychiatrist? More importantly, what does he mean by "BPD." Here in the States, most therapists use this term to refer to Borderline Personality Disorder. I seriously doubt, however, that your doctor is referring to Borderline. It is a lifetime disorder that is believed to be fully entrenched in early childhood and that starts showing strong behavioral traits (symptoms) in the early teens. Importantly, those symptoms -- e.g., temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and verbal abuse -- do NOT disappear for 14 years and then suddenly appear, as you are describing here.

 

A smaller group of therapists use the term "BPD" to refer to Bipolar Disorder, which is a much better fit with the behaviors you describe here. If her doctor is talking about Bipolar, AliveAgain had it nailed 3 weeks ago when he suggested you read about it. Unlike Borderline, Bipolar usually appears in the mid-twenties (not the early teens).

 

The usual range of onset age is 18 to 30 but onset often starts well after age 30. One of the earliest Bipolar studies (1988 Yassa Study) reported that about 10 percent of such cases have onset after age 50. A more recent article (2004 Depp Study) found that about five percent of patients are reported to have onset of Bipolar after age 60.

 

I mention all this because, given that your W likely is in her mid-thirties, Bipolar may explain why it is possible to have a "good marriage" -- as you say -- for 14 years and then suddenly be married to a woman exhibiting strong mood swings.

 

Another common cause of strong mood changes is a strong hormone change called "perimenopause." Although it typically starts in the forties, a significant share of women experience onset in their mid-thirties. Most likely, your W's doctor has already checked her hormone levels for early-onset perimenopause. If not, they should be checked because hormone changes can cause strong flareups of the Borderline traits we all have. Indeed, the most common cause of temporary flareups in Borderline symptoms is a hormone change.

[Jersey born raised]

Interesting point about pre menopause. I understand it is not rare for pregnant woman to experience diabeties while pregnant.

 

Yet the adultery occured, period. Just as connection took place with gestational diabeties. In the case of gestational diabetes it is associated with full onset latter in life.

[Mr Blunt]

Jurassic, you said “Words are words, I need actions.”

 

 

Jurassic, what actions has she taken that will help you and herself?

She is showing a lot of emotions but emotions cannot be trusted. As you know, her emotions helped get her into this mess!

 

You need to protect yourself and build yourself up becuse she has torn you down. Use your energy for only you for now as you cannot fix your wife!

You getting stronger is more important than your marriage right now!

[Jurassic12]

BPD as in bipolar disorder I'm pretty sure. Either there's something wrong with her mentally or she's using that as an excuse. I let her come home for a few hours, then she was refusing to leave. She's back here and says she can't stand living with her parents. I have been staying away from her from time being.

[BuddyX]

So does she want to come back because she wants to work on the marriage or she just wants to get out of her parents house? Think about that.

 

Your wife is already playing the victim role. What did she expect; truth revealed and let the smooth sailing begin? Doesn't work like that. Remind her, that it will be uncomfortable for her for a long time. She has to "earn it".

[Friskyone4u]

BPD as in bipolar disorder I'm pretty sure. Either there's something wrong with her mentally or she's using that as an excuse. I let her come home for a few hours, then she was refusing to leave. She's back here and says she can't stand living with her parents. I have been staying away from her from time being.

 

Jurassic,

 

Her supposed mental illness would need to diagnosed by a qualified professional and not us here or you. And even then you are talking about a subjective evaluation and might get two different answers from two shrinks.

But let's continue on that trend of thought because its obvious you are going to have to catch her again because you are determined to reconcile regardless at this point .

You better prepare yourself for a lot of expense and therapy IF this diagnosis is correct. And if her so called "disease" causes this hypersexuality as it's end result, you are surely going to have more DDays.

 

Your prognosis is actually better if you reject this crap as an excuse and give her specific expectations INCLUDING another polygraph at an unannounced time and maybe more than once . Giving her boundaries and insisting they are kept is a lot cheaper and you will find out rather quickly if she is really "sick" or

If she was just bored and wanted some excitement .

 

You obviously cannot make her leave the house now without going to jail and my guess is her parents are just thrilled she is back in the house. So now she will revert back to luring you with sex and rinse and repeat.

 

Now you were on the verge of filing for divorce BEFORE you found out about her little Tinder outing, and now you are searching for reasons to backpedal.

So wifey has now had two betrayals , one PA and one EA where she became a porn star, and she has weathered the storm with tears.

 

Jurassic you may still save this marriage if you still want to, but you have now endured two DDays and you need to go ahead and file for D, and you will have months probably to watch her and see if all this pleading is for real or not.

You can call off the D anytime you want to.

 

As someone else previously just told you if you weaken now he wished you good

Luck because you will need it. Read you initial posts before the truth came out. If you want to be back there that will be easy.

All it takes is a few keystrokes on her computer

[MickeyBill]

She's not willing to go back to her parents, because they don't by her line of BS, they've seen it her whole life, they taught it to her and they don;t buy it anymore.

 

...and she can't hysterical bond with them like she will be doing with you if you are living together again.

[Cephalopod]

BPD is not a mental illness. It is a personality disorder. Mental illness and psychosis can be treated, BPD cannot. If she is BPD, then her brain is wired wrong. It cannot be fixed.

 

 

If she has BPD, all the more reason to bail and move on with your life without her. BPDers rarely ever get better. Therapy only works marginally, and only if the therapist specializes in personality disorders -- and those therapists are hard to find.

 

 

In fact, their behavior tends to get worse as they get older.

[BluesPower]

Guys, Jurassic12 is saying that she is diagnosed as Bi-Polar not borderline personality disorder (BPD). He just used the wrong acronym.

[thummper]

Just do a 180 on her and let her stew about it. She's had her fun, now she can pay for it.

[Jurassic12]

Have been 180ing her. Took a nap today on the couch and I woke up to her cuddled up next to me. I just got up and didn't acknowledge.

 

She is love bombing. Leaving notes in the house. Smiling at me and telling me she loves me. When confronted she said she does not know how else to show she's sorry. Told me she feels she could use a little bit of credit for confessing abut tinder guy else I wouldn't have found out. Kids are happy she is home so I will be the bad guy if I make her leave.

 

I will not have sex with her. Last time I did it clouded my judgement. She hasn't initiated other than taking a shower and forgetting her clothes downstairs, she often did this though.

 

She told me she wants to make this better but doesn't know how. Since I have never cheated on her.

Edited March 23, 2017 by Jurassic12

[harrybrown]

Has she started reading about A's?

 

what would she do if you had an A?

 

Look at your pain and use actions to help you with the pain.

 

Start protecting you and throwing the OM to the wolves.

 

save money so she can pay for affair -recovery.com.

[Friskyone4u]

Have been 180ing her. Took a nap today on the couch and I woke up to her cuddled up next to me. I just got up and didn't acknowledge.

 

She is love bombing. Leaving notes in the house. Smiling at me and telling me she loves me. When confronted she said she does not know how else to show she's sorry. Told me she feels she could use a little bit of credit for confessing abut tinder guy else I wouldn't have found out. Kids are happy she is home so I will be the bad guy if I make her leave.

 

I will not have sex with her. Last time I did it clouded my judgement. She hasn't initiated other than taking a shower and forgetting her clothes downstairs, she often did this though.

 

She told me she wants to make this better but doesn't know how. Since I have never cheated on her.

 

Jurassic

 

First get this out of your head about you being bad guy or what kids will think. You stay in the marriage for a reason that is good for you. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce and the majority of kids turn out OK. You sucking it up and being miserable does not make you a great parent.

 

She needs to figure out what else to do other than trying to have sex with you.as long as that is her remedy for what ails her she will resort to that again.

 

Have you asked her if OM has tried to contact her again just to see her reacton?her good bye crying fest conversation with him was not convincing to most of us reading this the way you described it. If you were him would you give that easy?? He was hours away from a prepaid week end sex fest less than 10 days ago.

 

Has she tried to explain everything as to why she had the Tinder meet up?? That is not a drunken ONS . It was thought out , acted upon and concealed even as you struggled with the other guy. She needs to stop patting herself on the back for lying by omission .

 

Now think for a minute and ask yourself what would have happened if you had not gained your senses knowing what you know now? You really think there would have been no more Tinders. Lucky for you she got hooked online with a guy who was not around. He actually saved your ass. Had he not kept her occupied she would have swiped right again for sure.

 

It's obvious your not going to leave her . You better figure out how you're going to keep her accountable . Actually she should be figuring out that on her own instead of trying to use "spooning" therapy as the remedy.

 

Your wife is not seriously mentally ill. She is a cheater who got caught, tried to bully you into basically allowing an open marriage , and now is trying to go

Back to the way it was . She hasn't figured out "sorry" is not just all it takes . If she was not sorry and scared then I would say she was mentally ill.

 

Jurassic if you send her to IC I strongly suggest you insist she sign a document authorizIng her therapist to talk to you and tell you what they are discussing .Do you really trust her to tell someone the whole truth. And if she does do you want to have her come back and tell you her therapist said what she did was not a real problem and that you should just forgive and move on. Don't think thstnthst cant happen.

 

You have a long road ahead . I hope you understand that and that your judgement is not totally clouded by not wanting to be the bad guy

[BluesPower]

You know by now it was a mistake to let her in the house.

 

But the fact that she wants credit for telling you about the tinder sex fest is simply insane.

 

She is completely and totally un-remorseful about every single thing that she has done. How can you live with that in any way?

 

If she wants to figure out how to show you that she is truly sorry and wants to help you heal, tell her to start reading and studying about affairs like you have. There is a ton of resource material out there about helping your spouse heal from your infidelity.

 

Has she read any of it? Has she tried to understand what she has actually done or does she even care?

 

Brother, I don't know how you can stay with her after that comment that she made. God help you if you do...

[Cephalopod]

Jurassic at some point you need to start valuing yourself. Your kids need a strong father. Your wife is unremorseful and entitled. She thinks she has you by the balls.

 

File for divorce. If you must live with her in the same house, do the 180 hard. Treat her like a houseplant.

[DKT3]

You know by now it was a mistake to let her in the house.

 

But the fact that she wants credit for telling you about the tinder sex fest is simply insane.

 

She is completely and totally un-remorseful about every single thing that she has done. How can you live with that in any way?

 

If she wants to figure out how to show you that she is truly sorry and wants to help you heal, tell her to start reading and studying about affairs like you have. There is a ton of resource material out there about helping your spouse heal from your infidelity.

 

Has she read any of it? Has she tried to understand what she has actually done or does she even care?

 

Brother, I don't know how you can stay with her after that comment that she made. God help you if you do...

 

Yeah, like most wayward spouses, her real goal at this moment seems to be getting him back to being the clueless fool.

[usa1ah]

You need to pull the trigger J. You don't have to finish but you need to get it started. You will end up hating yourself if you don't.

[BluesPower]

Jurassic how are you doing?

 

We would all like to know what the status is... Are you doing ok?

 

How is everything going?

 

We are here for you...

[sidney2718]

Have been 180ing her. Took a nap today on the couch and I woke up to her cuddled up next to me. I just got up and didn't acknowledge.

 

She is love bombing. Leaving notes in the house. Smiling at me and telling me she loves me. When confronted she said she does not know how else to show she's sorry. Told me she feels she could use a little bit of credit for confessing abut tinder guy else I wouldn't have found out. Kids are happy she is home so I will be the bad guy if I make her leave.

 

I will not have sex with her. Last time I did it clouded my judgement. She hasn't initiated other than taking a shower and forgetting her clothes downstairs, she often did this though.

 

She told me she wants to make this better but doesn't know how. Since I have never cheated on her.

 

I understand how you feel, and I understand the tendency of many of the regulars here to assume the worst.

 

I doubt your wife understands how badly you are hurt. It is also more than likely that she has little idea as to what she can do to make you feel better. Perhaps this is the time to show her some love and have a serious discussion with her. Tell her you want to save your marriage but that you cannot trust her at the moment. Let her know what she might do to help.

 

And then help her a bit. She likely can't make it emotionally alone. She needs some support from you. Give it.

 

Please do not think that I'm advocating giving in to her whims or simply forgiving her. But I think she needs a roadmap. Give her one. She may have been a bad wife, to put it mildly, but she is still a human being who is deeply hurting right now.

 

Good luck to you!

[BluesPower]

Sidney, Have you read this whole thread???

 

I wonder, have you seen all the things that she has done to him before the tinder hook up?

 

And you actually think she deserves on once of compassion.

 

Wow, just wow...

[Jurassic12]

Everything is going okay somewhat. It's been quiet. I told her she can't sleep in the same bed with me anymore if she is going to live here. Which just led to her getting on her knees and crying and saying she messed up our marriage forever for pointless sex and that she regrets everything. She was hyperventilating somewhat. Was hard not to hug her and tell her everything will be alright, but I know that's not true. What she did was awful and horrible.

 

She seemed to be trying to get things back to normal with me and the kids. Not rug-sweep as she keeps mentioning how sorry she is, but she is trying to keep everything normal. Family dinners, talking about future events, hanging out. I told her that there is a good chance we will divorce. She then just gets quiet apologizes and stops talking.

 

Told me "she just wants to prove to me she can be the woman/wife she was before she did these horrible despicable things". Time is now my worst enemy.

 

I just got angry at her today. Didn't yell or anything but she was talking something about a birthday party for her aunt. I just got mad and told her not to talk to me about pointless **** that I don't care about and I'm not going with her. The look on her face killed me but I just tried to ignore it. Just locking myself away in our room.

Edited March 28, 2017 by Jurassic12