She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[MickeyBill]

J12 just told WW that he knew what she was doing less than a week ago. While it would be nice to have her snap out of it right away, she didn't. She was cake eating, and enjoying (for some reason) psychologically batting J12 around like a rubber ball.

 

On Monday, things are going to get real for her when she is served..then she will try to hit every button she can to regain control. When that is over, only then is there a chance of her realizing how much she has f****d up things with J12 and the kids. Maybe Monday will she start on the path out of infidelity.

[merrmeade]

merrmeade, why so hard on us males???

 

I know your a BS, was your ego not damaged by your husbands affair? I don't think it was very ok with you.

 

A man, that put up with this from a woman, is not really much of a man. I guess that may be a hard concept for you.

 

If you acted this way with your husband, do you think he would be ok with it?

 

The way she is acting about the whole thing is just really bizarre.

Exactly! It's NOT the way my husband acted nor the way I would act. There's a screw loose. I don't believe he should take it the way everyone is interpreting.

[Jurassic12]

It's just been a long day. I am having a hard time. Yes we're still sleeping in the same bedroom, our house only has 3 bedrooms one for us and two for our kids. She asked me to cuddle with her, I refused. She got angry at me and now I've locked myself in the basement she was banging on the door and told me not to bother coming back to our bedroom for the night. Funny she texted me to 20 minutes ago.The basement we just had remodeled so I don't mind being down here. I don't know if she's still talking to the other man, probably. I already filed and she will get served Monday.

 

I wish I knew why she resents me so much. I gave her anything and everything she wanted, maybe that's the problem. I could confidently say that I loved her for our entire marriage and still do. I just feel abused by her.

Edited March 4, 2017 by Jurassic12

[Marc878]

A good marriage should be balanced at 50/50.

 

You go overboard and you can get taken for granted then lose all repect.

 

Read up if you haven't "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

 

You have value and at this time a lot more than her but you need to fix the MR Nice Guy.

 

Weakness or perceived weakness is not attractive.

 

You have some work to do.

 

Good job on the no contact. Caving at this time is not in your best interest

[BuddyX]

Watch as she'll chew you out and an hour later the apologies will rain in. Stay strong. Stay the course.

 

If you truly gave her everything then there's not much you can do. I'm a big proponent of saying things aloud. If asked by someone why did you divorce say "she was unfaithful". Keep repeating that to yourself. It is the truth.

[Marc878]

It's just been a long day. I am having a hard time. Yes we're still sleeping in the same bedroom, our house only has 3 bedrooms one for us and two for our kids. She asked me to cuddle with her, I refused. She got angry at me and now I've locked myself in the basement she was banging on the door and told me not to bother coming back to our bedroom for the night. Funny she texted me to 20 minutes ago.The basement we just had remodeled so I don't mind being down here. I don't know if she's still talking to the other man, probably. I already filed and she will get served Monday.

 

I wish I knew why she resents me so much. I gave her anything and everything she wanted, maybe that's the problem. I could confidently say that I loved her for our entire marriage and still do. I just feel abused by her.

 

She feels like she's losing control over you and wants it back. Give it to her at your own peril.

 

You chase they move farther away. Going dark has the opposite affect as you've just seen.

 

Never be someone's doormat. It gets you less than nothing.

[JamesM]

It's just been a long day. I am having a hard time. Yes we're still sleeping in the same bedroom, our house only has 3 bedrooms one for us and two for our kids. She asked me to cuddle with her, I refused. She got angry at me and now I've locked myself in the basement she was banging on the door and told me not to bother coming back to our bedroom for the night. Funny she texted me to 20 minutes ago.The basement we just had remodeled so I don't mind being down here. I don't know if she's still talking to the other man, probably. I already filed and she will get served Monday.

 

I wish I knew why she resents me so much. I gave her anything and everything she wanted, maybe that's the problem. I could confidently say that I loved her for our entire marriage and still do. I just feel abused by her.

 

At this point no matter what you do, ask yourself two questions. And honestly, right now, they may be hard to answer.

 

1. Do I really want to leave this marriage ordo I want to stay and attempt reconciliation? (If you want to leave, then do it. File for divorce and stick with the plan).

 

2. (If you want to stay...) Will this action that I am taking or am about to take, help me reach that goal? If I want to reconcile, will this help rebuild our marriage or serve to separate us farther? If I were her despite all that she has done to me, how would this action make me feel...more willing to stay or more desirous to leave?

 

Beyond that, you have been given much advice which I am guessing may serve only to further confuse you. It all boils down to what you really want when this is all done and over. Only you know and only you can act in accordance to your wish. You are in control of you and your actions. Your actions will determine your future and your family's future. You cannot control her, but you can act in ways that will determine the destiny of your marriage. As the head of your family at this point, how do you want the next chapter to be written?

[thummper]

You say you still love her. Wonder how long that will last when she actually goes off to be with this other guy. When that happens, what is there to love?

[JamesM]

You say you still love her. Wonder how long that will last when she actually goes off to be with this other guy. When that happens, what is there to love?

 

If and if.

 

And even I could answer that, she has shown who her choice is IF she did.

 

At this point, she has said she won't

[usa1ah]

I told her it would be a shame if her parents had picture proof of what their married daughter is saying to this man she met online. Her response "It's none of their business, why would they mad that a man is treating me like a man should? He's treated me better and has shown me more attention than you ever have. That I found a man who actually loves me? I'm telling her to go to him then. She then uses that to say SEE I don't care about her at all and am trying to throw her away. She said she wants us to go to counseling...

 

Tell she she has already thrown you away. And why in the hell is marriage counseling needed it she is in love with the OM.

[Chaparral]

It's just been a long day. I am having a hard time. Yes we're still sleeping in the same bedroom, our house only has 3 bedrooms one for us and two for our kids. She asked me to cuddle with her, I refused. She got angry at me and now I've locked myself in the basement she was banging on the door and told me not to bother coming back to our bedroom for the night. Funny she texted me to 20 minutes ago.The basement we just had remodeled so I don't mind being down here. I don't know if she's still talking to the other man, probably. I already filed and she will get served Monday.

 

I wish I knew why she resents me so much. I gave her anything and everything she wanted, maybe that's the problem. I could confidently say that I loved her for our entire marriage and still do. I just feel abused by her.

 

Your wife has taken abuse to a whole new level. I am only speak for myself but I would never even speak to her again. Her cruelty to you seems intentional. Particularly that her affair partner is such a loser too.

 

Protect yourself from her going more crazy and having a restraining order taken out against you. Also you need to further expose her in order to keep her from being able to successfully blame shift all this onto you. Good job filing and exposing to her family. That's the smartest thing you could have done.

SEE YOUR DOCTOR.

[usa1ah]

It's just been a long day. I am having a hard time. Yes we're still sleeping in the same bedroom, our house only has 3 bedrooms one for us and two for our kids. She asked me to cuddle with her, I refused. She got angry at me and now I've locked myself in the basement she was banging on the door and told me not to bother coming back to our bedroom for the night. Funny she texted me to 20 minutes ago.The basement we just had remodeled so I don't mind being down here. I don't know if she's still talking to the other man, probably. I already filed and she will get served Monday.

 

I wish I knew why she resents me so much. I gave her anything and everything she wanted, maybe that's the problem. I could confidently say that I loved her for our entire marriage and still do. I just feel abused by her.

 

 

The resentment is from you not allowing her to cuckold you. She wanted to be a Hotwife and you took that from her.

 

Divorce your wife. Do not stop. She would have gone through with it if she saw any weakness from you.

[usa1ah]

This was a hard read OP. This is one of the coldest WW I have ever read about.

 

How are things going? Did she end up going to see the POSOM?

[fenix]

OP has never once stated anything about his wife being mentally slower than others, or anything like that at all.

 

I don't see how her talking to OM in front of OP and his kids can be seen as not cold hearted.

 

And she's not clueless....like so many other WWs, she thought her H was spineless and would just take it. And again, like so many other WWs, once he quit taking it, she starts waking up.

 

 

^^This^^ She has started to come back when OP sabes her world, if he had begged her and cried OP's wife would be now banging OM .

 

And make no mistake, OP's wife didn't use the affair to hurt OP, she tried to hide it but when caught she tried to force herself into OP's will in a very cruel manner. The games played in this case are cruel and disgusting and I understand OPs reaction to it

Edited March 4, 2017 by fenix

[GoldenR]

If and if.

 

And even I could answer that, she has shown who her choice is IF she did.

 

At this point, she has said she won't

 

She has also said that she is in love with OM straight to her H"s face several times.

 

Why isn't she going? Bc she knows he filed and he exposed. She hasn't responded to anything yet except strong, confident action.

Edited March 4, 2017 by GoldenR

[merrmeade]

It's just been a long day. I am having a hard time. Yes we're still sleeping in the same bedroom, our house only has 3 bedrooms one for us and two for our kids. She asked me to cuddle with her, I refused. She got angry at me and now I've locked myself in the basement she was banging on the door and told me not to bother coming back to our bedroom for the night. Funny she texted me to 20 minutes ago.The basement we just had remodeled so I don't mind being down here. I don't know if she's still talking to the other man, probably. I already filed and she will get served Monday.

 

I wish I knew why she resents me so much. I gave her anything and everything she wanted, maybe that's the problem. I could confidently say that I loved her for our entire marriage and still do. I just feel abused by her.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, Jurassic. We actually agree about what you're doing - file for divorce - since she is not taking responsibility for her actions and the damage they've caused. From what you've said, you have no choice. My heart goes out to you especially since you've been so steady and consistent. It's excruciating, whatever you do. I know; I've been there.

 

My only question has been about her stubborn mindset and what you have actually said to her. Her position is completely absurd and indefensible. There is not much you'd have to say to point that out. My sister-in-law/OW was like your wife with the ridiculous construct she'd created to live with the lines they'd crossed, but I did not live with her; she was not part of our dialogue (thank god). As far as my WH was concerned, the silliness of their ruse was busted in two days.

 

So I'm wondering why your wife doesn't feel busted? Why does she persist in being so clueless and/or disrespectful of your feelings? Have you told her how you feel? Have there been any calm discussions? Have you tried explaining 'the obvious" to her—that is, how hurtful her actions have been to you, how they've left you feeling and why?

 

For example:

- she denied that the affair is the reason you're in this position, but has she said what IS the reason? Did you asked her what the reason is?

 

- she threatened divorce when you went through her emails, and she accused you of forcing her to leave when you said she was free to go now.

Did you spell out your position and why you have a right to read the emails?

 

- she announced that it's not a real affair because she hasn't slept with him.

Did you explain the error in her statement and what makes it an affair?

 

- you told her to "kiss everything goodbye" if she meets OM and doesn't stop talking to him right now. Finally she said she'd stop because you're so upset.

Once again, why doesn't she already know WHY you're upset? Have you told her that you're heartbroken and why? Have you explained why you DO have a right to tell her parents?

 

- she proposes meeting OM in person to make up her mind. You told us you planned to file in response. What did you tell her? answers with plans to go see the AP, and then what did you say? You told us you planned to file, but what did you say to her?

 

If you go back to p. 2 of this thread and reread goody blue's post, she tells you

"I believe in love, and and growing from our mistakes. She can make this right if she wants to but you will have to steer her. She is too comfortable and you need to take back your power." Do you think you've tried to "steer her" to make things right? Did you tell her what she would need to do?

 

Maybe it's as simple as Buddy makes it on p. 2 when he compares the shorthand summary of others' stories with yours:

• H has a gut feeling

• Asks W if she's having an affair (she denies)

• Gathers evidence

• Confronts

• WW plays victim (DARVO). WW Moves out

• Divorce papers are served

• WWs mind magically eareses the affair Fog

• WW now wants to R and tells BH "You're my only love"

 

I'm not so sure I buy that your situation is so simple.

[Friskyone4u]

So lets see what happened here.

(1) she did not go to see OM

(2) she also DID NOT commit to anything about not talknig to him any more. She wanted to "cuddle" . But did she want to cuddle after she got done talking to him.??? The answer from what you posted is "you do not know"

(3) you did state you believe she still is talking to him. Probably 95% of those posting believe that one.

(4) she is PISSED at you. Why??? Because in her mind her not going this week end means that now she gets her way and she still can be "friends" with him and carry on as before and good old Jurassic will put up with it and waste money on MC until I can figure out how to get OM together with me.

 

So she carries on disgracefully with OM, and comes within hours, interrupted only by you putting your foot down, and she gets to be pissed and make demands.

 

The only confusing thing here is how someone thinks YOU can decide your own fate by yourself. It does not MAGTTER WHAT YOU WANT IF SHE CONTINUES TO CHEAT. And she has not even had the courtesy of telling you she will do that even if it was a lie. So you can want R all you want, but do you want it in an open marriage, which is what she is giving you now.

 

There is NOTHING at all you should be confused about. If you want to R, you do it with TOTAL TRUTH, NO CONTACT , and ACCOUNTABILITY.

 

If you want to R regardless of what she does, then just ask her to stop talking to him while you are around and make believe your marriage is intact.

 

If your goal is to GET OUT OF INFIDELITY , then you do not negotiate with her or any MC on what you need to feel safe and for her to be a loyal partner again.

 

If you think you feel crappy now, think about how you are going to feel if you make an MC appointment , go to it, and then she comes home and goes to the bedroom to put on a show for loverboy. Is that what you want,??? Not likely.

 

Well, when you come back here and tell the group if you want to that she has committed to nc and will prove it to you, then the advice you are getting from everyone but one fellow here will change I am sure to maybe attempt R. Right now your wife wants to cake eat and have you too. Not a good recipe.

 

So when you hear the words from her and she shows you or lets you hear a NC communication, we all will be thrilled for you. Until then, you can rest assured, and I hope you asked, that she told him you were giving her a hard time and that she had to cancel this week end. And by the way, in the meantime here, if loverboy has a car and your wife is home all day, i would not bet the ranch that Plan B for them is for him to come to your town while you are at work.

 

Jurassic, you must BE WILLING TO LOSE THE MARRIAGE IN ORDER TO SAVE IT. ANYONE WHO HAS READ THIS OR ANY OTHER FORUM FOR ANY TIME HAS SEEN THAT SAYING MANY TIMES.

 

File for divorce. She still refuses to tell you she will not see or talk to him anymore. That is not marriage in your sense of the word. Is it???

Edited March 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic bickering ~T

[merrmeade]

That was really well done, Frisky. Thorough and compelling.

[usa1ah]

Jurassic, I think I would run a facial recognition of your wife on google to see if the POSOM put her pics or vid on the net.

[Jurassic12]

I still don't want to divorce. I don't know why, maybe because so much time was put into our lives together and I don't want it to all go to waste. Unfortunately I am off work today, maybe I can do something with the kids alone. Something to just get my mind off my wife. Though I doubt she will be okay with me and the kids hanging out without her.

[aliveagain]

I still don't want to divorce. I don't know why, maybe because so much time was put into our lives together and I don't want it to all go to waste. Unfortunately I am off work today, maybe I can do something with the kids alone. Something to just get my mind off my wife. Though I doubt she will be okay with me and the kids hanging out without her.

 

Friend, you just spent the night locked up in your own basement. Nothing today is going to be alright regardless of what you do. Drive to BestBuy and get yourself a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR). Carry it on you anytime you are around her, you wouldn't be the first guy on LS to be falsely charged with assaulting his wife and then spending some time locked up. Your a$$ will be in there until she drops the charges which usually includes having to move out of your own house. The VAR is your only proof of what really happened. She is getting crazier every time you post. Email your lawyer, tell him what is happening then listen to his advice. Did your children hear all this fighting?

[Furious]

I still don't want to divorce. I don't know why, maybe because so much time was put into our lives together and I don't want it to all go to waste. Unfortunately I am off work today, maybe I can do something with the kids alone. Something to just get my mind off my wife. Though I doubt she will be okay with me and the kids hanging out without her.

 

You're in shock, and letting go of the years together and the life you built is something you cherished. The harsh truth is that what you cherished is not something your wife cherished.

 

She knows you, she knows you are more invested in your marriage and family than she is.

 

Some betrayed spouses will hang on to the life and partner they thought they knew. Fear of the unknown and fear of starting life over again is sometimes greater than the betrayal.

 

In the end it's your road to travel on, you've been given much advice from many perspectives and often it's hard to digest it all when you're heart and mind is in turmoil.

 

The best advice is to take a deep breath, to listen to your own instinct and honor the value you hold for your yourself. Not following through with your conviction and not filing for divorce is a sure sign to your wife that she can manipulate you.

 

It's heart wrenching what you're going through, but often one must end a marriage to maybe save it in the future. Cheaters are strange, they do not respect a spouse who is weak and it's a paradox that when a betrayed spouse grovels or will do anything to keep the cheater it reaffirms the cheater of their superiority and validates how "special" they are.

[Jurassic12]

Yeah our children heard the fighting. Well more so just yelling on her part. She was banging on the basement door until my daughter started to cry and she stopped. She then texted me to come up to bed so we can please talk about this. I said no, she said okay we can talk about it tommorrow then. She told me she's messed up in the head and she's sorry, she wants to make it up to me. I'm just exhausted. There is some mental illness that runs in her family, but my wife has never showed any signs or symptoms and she has never been diagnosed.

[aliveagain]

Yeah our children heard the fighting. Well more so just yelling on her part. She was banging on the basement door until my daughter started to cry and she stopped. She then texted me to come up to bed so we can please talk about this. I said no, she said okay we can talk about it tommorrow then. She told me she's messed up in the head and she's sorry, she wants to make it up to me. I'm just exhausted. There is some mental illness that runs in her family, but my wife has never showed any signs or symptoms and she has never been diagnosed.

 

Well the signs just showed up big time. You need to get her family and their doctor involved because mental health is very serious business. She needs to be assessed immediately.

[WilyWill]

You should take her "messed up in the head" comment as an opportunity to gently suggest her meeting with a psychologist. Even though she's only guilty of an EA, the most concerning aspect of her behavior has been her casual attitude the whole time. It seems like she never fully understood the damage that she was doing to her marriage. Part of her thinking is just not based in reality. Even the most egregious wayward spouse understands the implications of an affair and how "wrong" it is, even if they continue engaging in it. I'm almost hoping this was just some weird manipulation strategy on your wife's part--pretending she didn't understand the seriousness so as to really anger you or get your attention.

 

Do not listen to any of the "feel good" commenters in here that just tell you to kiss and make up. This is a serious thing, and I'm glad you've recognized it as such.