She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[Friskyone4u]

Yeah our children heard the fighting. Well more so just yelling on her part. She was banging on the basement door until my daughter started to cry and she stopped. She then texted me to come up to bed so we can please talk about this. I said no, she said okay we can talk about it tommorrow then. She told me she's messed up in the head and she's sorry, she wants to make it up to me. I'm just exhausted. There is some mental illness that runs in her family, but my wife has never showed any signs or symptoms and she has never been diagnosed.

 

 

Jurassic,

 

it's FINE to want to stay married. Great idea. So go upstairs and TALK to her all day if necessary. But DO NOT tell her you are going to stay married to her if she continues to have a boyfriend. Make no commitments.

 

Shes sorry??? OK, sorry enough to answer a few questions honestly????

(1) what did she tell him when she informed him she was not coming. ?? I would'nt believe a word of it but you should still ask her.

(2) what is she going to do to allow you to regain so level of trust in her. The answer to that one is NOT just go to MC. The answer needs to be that she is going to forever put this OM out of her life and make sure you can verify it.

 

once you have accomplished #2, the staying married can be an option. But not until that is done. Do you get that?????

 

If you get that far, there is a lot more advice on MC. But until NC is established you are spinning your wheels. SHE DOES NOT GET TO HAVE A HUSBAND AND BOYFRIEND. Got that????? Simply saying she is sorry does not get rid of the boyfriend.

 

Do you believe if you had taken the attitude of despair you had when you first posted that she would not have gone????? You know exactly what would have happened, you heard her tell him what was going to happen.

 

So get your ass upstairs and talk the entire week end about how SHE is going to rebuild the marriage, not how you are going to give her free reign to go underground with this affair until she can get him to drive to your city.

 

Take a deep breath and start talking to her. If you do not, she will use that as an excuse to talk to him. Do not make it that easy for her.

[Friskyone4u]

Jurassic

 

So there is ONE thing that apparently everyone agrees upon, including our buddy who thinks she should be smothered with love and not give you any possibilities to think about. And that one thing is that in no uncertain terms that she gives up the boyfriend and that means totally!!! Not

Maybe! Not, we"ll see what the therapist says ! No conditions ! The boyfriend goes !

Let us know when that happens . Then you start talk out MC

[JS84]

You need to stop talking to her unless it's about the divorce or the kids. Especially if your discussions, I don't care who is acting worse, is affecting your children. Your back and forth talks are getting neither of you anywhere. What else is left to say at this point?

[Try]

She asked me to cuddle with her, I refused. She got angry at me and now I've locked myself in the basement she was banging on the door and told me not to bother coming back to our bedroom for the night.

You wife is a remorseless cheater that feels that she has the right to refuse to cut off contact with the other man (OM), and that she gets to decide if she visits this love interest for the weekend or not without concern for your feelings. In fact she feels so full of herself that even though she has flat out refused to end it with the OM, the fact that she decided not to spend this weekend with the OM entitles her to you being grateful. She really believes that you being her monkey and doing the pick me dance is her God given right.

 

I wish I knew why she resents me so much. I gave her anything and everything she wanted, maybe that's the problem. I could confidently say that I loved her for our entire marriage and still do. I just feel abused by her.

The resentment that she falsely claims that she has is nothing more than a tool used by her to manipulate you into allowing her to continue abusing you in this relationship.

[aliveagain]

You might want to pack a bag for Monday night if you are having her served on Monday. Find a place to spend a night or two so she can be on her own to digest what just happened. Go no contact while your gone so she can experience what life without you looks like. Make sure your lawyer approves.

[MickeyBill]

You might want to pack a bag for Monday night if you are having her served on Monday. Find a place to spend a night or two so she can be on her own to digest what just happened. Go no contact while your gone so she can experience what life without you looks like. Make sure your lawyer approves.

 

What about the kids?

[BluesPower]

You need to stop talking to her unless it's about the divorce or the kids. Especially if your discussions, I don't care who is acting worse, is affecting your children. Your back and forth talks are getting neither of you anywhere. What else is left to say at this point?

 

I know that the are different approaches to this sort of thing.

 

However, this one here is the most sound at the moment.

 

You need to continue the divorce, or let her think that after she is serve on Monday.

 

Here is just one thing to think about, She just, what Friday night, said that she is mess up in the head. Wow, that is just really convenient for her to say that, so all is forgiven now? Wrong.

 

She is not even close and won't be for a while to being in a place of forgiveness. Nowhere near that.

 

She needs to stew for a while and let what she is doing sink in. Which, I am not sure that it will but who knows.

 

OP, you have taken positive steps to take control of your life. You have to continue on this path.

 

If your wife has had a break down of some kind, take her to a head doctor to have her evaluated, WITH YOU IN THE ROOM THE WHOLE TIME, is it is allowed.

 

If you waver one bit in the stance that you have taken you will be back to square one in a heartbeat.

 

If she is really sick, then you can decide how to help her and what impact that may have on your marriage.

 

You need to stay the course, stay strong. And do not do any of these things until you know more about everything:

 

1) Do not sleep in the same bed with her.

2) Do not have sex with her, it will cloud your judgment and make her feel like all is forgiven.

3) Do not engage her in any conversation that does not involve the divorce or the kids until she has been seen by a doctor.

 

You must stay strong OP...

[Jurassic12]

Well it's too late on the sex thing. She came downstairs and initiated. I should of stopped but I'm too weak. She told me she feels messed up in the head, but I think she is lying. I mean it could be true, she has completely changed. She's now telling me she doesn't need a psych evaluation, all we should worry about is working on our marriage.

 

I asked did you stop speaking to OM? Her response: not yet, but she will stop. I told her to just leave me alone then, she said she's sorry for the hurt she's caused me and hates seeing me upset. I said no you don't, all you care about it yourself. She called me ridiculous and told me she never was going to go see him, she wanted to at first and now thinks it's ridiculous.

 

I told her if she cares about me or our marriage she'll go to a psych evaluation and cut off contact with OM. She said she will and that she loves me. I feel like she's playing mind games with me or is trying to get back at me for something. I am still having her served, I feel like ****.

[merrmeade]

Oops - wrote all this before reading OP's post #362...

 

Please keep in mind the idea of a mediator. I don't know at what stage that's started in divorce proceedings, but maybe you could do it immediately.

 

Mediation draws from many fields—psychology, law, communication Mediators help people in conflict agree on terms for solution to the conflict.

 

Marriage counseling, on the other hand, gets to work on saving the marriage and treats each party's needs equally. I think you have to work to find someone specialized in infidelity, who knows the importance of protecting the BS from more trauma in the beginning (imo). Even then it can go nowhere very slowly for the BS. That was my experience.

 

In your case, your wife is not showing the necessary remorse or behavior conducive to reconciliation. She doesn't even begin to make that realistic but doesn't show that she grasps why or what she needs to do to get there. Plus she seems to have her own crazy agenda. A mediator helps the parties get these things clearly articulated—what your bottom line is, for example:

- cutting all contact forever with OM

- letting you monitor all accounts and have access to passwords for as long as you need

- etc.

 

You would explain your version of relevant history. She would explain hers. Whether or not either of you gains insight, the mediator will hear who's done what. She's a disinterested third party who can interpret your conditions to your wife and your wife's to you. She facilitates conversation about what each of you wants, what's negotiable and what's not.

 

It's either a precursor to marriage counseling or a negotiation of divorce terms that protects everyone. It does not have to end up in divorce, but if it does it helps everyone feel safe.

 

I understand this much from a relative in this profession, but how you get started, I do not know.

Edited March 4, 2017 by merrmeade
add title, clarification

[merrmeade]

Um, yes. Does seem like she's playing mind games with you. Calling you ridiculous should be insulting and a deal breaker, Jurassic, a sign that SHE is ridiculously out of touch OR pushing your buttons. Your reactions were normal before.

 

'No contact' has some non-negotiable parameters:

 

You are in charge of what, when and how it's done.

Cancel all digital communication NOW; make it impossible. Block him everywhere.

She can write a letter that you approve and mail.

You get access to all accounts, all passwords indefinitely.

 

These are the basics.

 

(Look up suggestions for No Contact letters. Remember it is YOUR call.)

[Friskyone4u]

Well it's too late on the sex thing. She came downstairs and initiated. I should of stopped but I'm too weak. She told me she feels messed up in the head, but I think she is lying. I mean it could be true, she has completely changed. She's now telling me she doesn't need a psych evaluation, all we should worry about is working on our marriage.

 

I asked did you stop speaking to OM? Her response: not yet, but she will stop. I told her to just leave me alone then, she said she's sorry for the hurt she's caused me and hates seeing me upset. I said no you don't, all you care about it yourself. She called me ridiculous and told me she never was going to go see him, she wanted to at first and now thinks it's ridiculous.

 

I told her if she cares about me or our marriage she'll go to a psych evaluation and cut off contact with OM. She said she will and that she loves me. I feel like she's playing mind games with me or is trying to get back at me for something. I am still having her served, I feel like ****.

 

Jurassic,

 

Please listen to what she told you. And that is SHE HAS NOT STOPPED TALKING TO OM. You need to stand your ground.

 

It does not matter what she says. It matters what she does. I think you get that.

Just as expected, she is in manipulation mode

(1) telling you she wants to work on marriage

(2) initiating sex with you

 

Now that you know she is still talking to him, use it to your advantage. It's actually better that she has admitted that because now she cannot tell you she already called it off with him. So now before you make any step towards R you MUST tell her you are not going to take her word it. The next time she approaches you you should tell her either she makes the call with you there to tell him never to contact her or she leaves you alone. Do not give her advance warning and do not interact with her any more until she goes NC.

 

Right now, it is just like all of us thought ( or al most all of us) and it is not guessing. She has not stopped her affair, and she probably has told him she had to cool it for a while but will still talk to him. And if she is talking to him she is getting him off, count on that. They are not discussing politics or current events.

 

Jurassic, you know your wife, and there is another old saying here and that is "trust your gut" And right now your gut is telling you that you are being played.

 

Remember Jurassic. You can STOP a divorce any time you want to, when she does what she needs to do. Dont fall for the bull **** that you are pushing her to OM. She is still in her mind with hiim. She tells you she is sorry for hurting you and then in the next breath tells you she has not stopped talking to him, so he is getting a play by play broadcast of what you are saying.

 

I'm going to say it again YOURE WIFE IS STILL DIRTY TAL,ING SWITH ANOTHER MAN IN YOUR HOME PROBABLY WHILE YOU ARE THERE. You got that. You do not reconcile until; that stops or you are in for a world of hurt, and when our buddy tells you that we don't know that for sure, he'll be the only one who says that. You. Do not want to play the "pick me game" That does not end well for BH.

 

Now lets look at where you were when you started this thead. Your wife was in a heavy online affair and openly planning to bang OM even with you within earshot. Your initial response was to beg and plead to the point you got yourself sick and a mess. Then, after a lot of comments here, you did the right thing and stiffened your resolve not to put up with the **** any more. And she backed off going because it started to get real for her.

 

Jurassic. If she does not make the call to end it and also come up with a plan on how you verify that, like total transparency offer, no deletion of computer activity, and all passwords, then you need to file on Monday.

 

That will put her on notice that she now has a limited time to end this affair or there are going to be more unpleasant consequence.

 

When a group of total strangers, all with experience of being right where you are, tell you the same thing, except for one who thinks he knows more than everyone else, the group is rarely wrong.

 

You want to reconcile. Then she ends the affair with no strings. And this crap about she will be mad because you forced her to is nonsense. Are you mad now Jurassic??? I hope so. So she can be mad. She decides if she wants to be married or if she does not, and she has had plenty of time to think about it. Right now she is in "stall" mode. Still talking to him and you having sex with her. She can stall it some more if you call up and get an MC appointment in a week or two. She'll just tell you she wanted to discuss it in front of MC.

 

You can save this marriage. BH have recovered from much worse and much more delusional WW, but not if you play the pick me game and she does what she wants to.

 

Stay strong Jurassic. You can win this game

[JS84]

She's playing you like a fiddle.

[Marc878]

Well it's too late on the sex thing. She came downstairs and initiated. I should of stopped but I'm too weak. She told me she feels messed up in the head, but I think she is lying. I mean it could be true, she has completely changed. She's now telling me she doesn't need a psych evaluation, all we should worry about is working on our marriage.

 

I asked did you stop speaking to OM? Her response: not yet, but she will stop. I told her to just leave me alone then, she said she's sorry for the hurt she's caused me and hates seeing me upset. I said no you don't, all you care about it yourself. She called me ridiculous and told me she never was going to go see him, she wanted to at first and now thinks it's ridiculous.

 

I told her if she cares about me or our marriage she'll go to a psych evaluation and cut off contact with OM. She said she will and that she loves me. I feel like she's playing mind games with me or is trying to get back at me for something. I am still having her served, I feel like ****.

 

It's not uncommon for sex to be used in order to get you back in control.

 

You are correct all she cares about is herself and keeping her plan B intact. I suspect she is still expecting you to be a doormat and hasn't figured the new you yet. You have confused her. Nice job!!!!

 

Advice on doing the "pick me dance" or trying to nice her back would be to your detriment.

 

Your strength will get you through this no matter what happens. Weakness will get you a long and more painfull stay in limbo.

[MickeyBill]

Well it's too late on the sex thing. She came downstairs and initiated. I should of stopped but I'm too weak. She told me she feels messed up in the head, but I think she is lying. I mean it could be true, she has completely changed. She's now telling me she doesn't need a psych evaluation, all we should worry about is working on our marriage.

 

I asked did you stop speaking to OM? Her response: not yet, but she will stop. I told her to just leave me alone then, she said she's sorry for the hurt she's caused me and hates seeing me upset. I said no you don't, all you care about it yourself. She called me ridiculous and told me she never was going to go see him, she wanted to at first and now thinks it's ridiculous.

 

I told her if she cares about me or our marriage she'll go to a psych evaluation and cut off contact with OM. She said she will and that she loves me. I feel like she's playing mind games with me or is trying to get back at me for something. I am still having her served, I feel like ****.

 

Looks like you may be making a breakthrough!

She is off balance because you are not doing what she expected, because she never thought of the ramifications. Keep strong and when she is served she will probably be shocked.

 

Then is the time where you explain the things that need to be done before any MC or R (if you want that) can take place.

1. Solid NC and transparency including Password on all SM and email and text accounts.

2. Psych eval because she seems to have flown off to cloud kookoo land without warning.

3. STD test

 

 

The Divorce can stop at any time, but it's up to you. As you filed, you can stop it, she cannot.

[deadsoul]

Well it's too late on the sex thing. She came downstairs and initiated. I should of stopped but I'm too weak. She told me she feels messed up in the head, but I think she is lying. I mean it could be true, she has completely changed. She's now telling me she doesn't need a psych evaluation, all we should worry about is working on our marriage.

 

I asked did you stop speaking to OM? Her response: not yet, but she will stop. I told her to just leave me alone then, she said she's sorry for the hurt she's caused me and hates seeing me upset. I said no you don't, all you care about it yourself. She called me ridiculous and told me she never was going to go see him, she wanted to at first and now thinks it's ridiculous.

 

I told her if she cares about me or our marriage she'll go to a psych evaluation and cut off contact with OM. She said she will and that she loves me. I feel like she's playing mind games with me or is trying to get back at me for something. I am still having her served, I feel like ****.

 

This is good. Stay strong with this. Don't stop the proceedings until she follows through. I'm no doctor, but play one on Tv. Just kidding... but from the things she says, there definitely seems to be a possibility of mental illness going on and she needs to explore that. And I agree she needs to cut all contact with OM with you in the room. Even still I wouldn't stop the proceedings until she's proved herself that she's worthy of you. But yes, she played you with sex.

[QuietDan]

No telling what her motives are or her end game is, if she has one.

So far, it appears that most of her actions and choices are based on her emotions.

She has demonstrated to you that she is an accomplished liar when it serves her purpose.

Her unfiltered expressions of her emotional state seems to be that she feels that she is "in love" with the other man.

She seems to be all over the place when it comes to her emotional regards for you. However, she has more than once recently expressed that she is anything but "in love" with you.

I will say that she appears to be one of the least regretful, remorseful waywards that I have seen in a number of years. She also appears to be one of the more manipulative waywards as well.

Compared to a wide variety of other threads that I have read/followed over the years, this wayward spouse of yours doesn't really seem to be doing anything more than working a damage control manipulation game with you.

At best, affairs are emotionally messy and confusing things. She doesn't really come across as all that out of touch with reality. She actually comes across more like this affair has revealed in some very unflattering ways her somewhat sociopathic tendencies. Either that, or she appears to have acquired and nursed some really deep seated feelings of resentment towards you and her relationship with you.

 

If she decides to get serious about repairing the marriage, why?

Guilt?

Convenience?

A return to some sort of comfortable familiarity?

The other man's mother found out and forced him to end the affair, you are the back up plan?

Things are getting to messy and complicated for the other man now, so he is dropping her, you are the back up plan?

 

At the moment, she appears to be planning on treating you like a mushroom.

[JamesM]

Jurassic, go see a counselor in real life and get some professional advice.

[bubbaganoosh]

Look friend. If your going to file then file but one thing you better do is get some backbone and when she tries to get you to have sex with her and, as you say your weak, then you lose especially after she's served.

 

Her lawyer can turn stuff like that around and make it like you want to reconcile with her and your right back to square one.

 

All she's doing is playing head games with you and your letting her. You slept in the cellar and after that it will be the back seat in your car or a motel room.

 

Time to make your choice. Either she proves to you that she wants the marriage and goes by your rules or you cut her loose. There's no in between here and as of now your on the short end of the stick so make your mind up and keep your stuff in your pants.

[usa1ah]

Just make sure if you are with her again, you don't get her pregnant. I have read about it before when a WW tried to trap her BH like that.

[Chaparral]

Having her served is only a shot across the bow. Filing and divorcing are two separate things. The divorce can be stopped anytime. Does she believe you have filed? Has she talked to her parents yet?

 

According to Dr. Harley, Marriage Counselors have a very bad record dealing with infidelity, often blaming the betrayed spouse. In the past they had no better record saving marriages from infidelity than couples just trying to solve this on their own.

 

Infidelity, when caught, leads to divorce about 65% of the time. Its much higher than that when the wife cheats. Since she hasn't met up with him and physically bonded, you ma have a better chance.

 

"The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

 

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

 

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure."

 

"The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

 

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

 

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure."

[Friskyone4u]

Jurassic, if you read this on Sunday, you need to have one last conversation with your wife, in which you give her one more chance to STOP this affair once and for all. no more " I'll get around to it" or any other excuses.

You need to tell her that when she does that and the following, you will make an MC appointment

(1) written timeline of when this started and every detail with progression dates. Including name of hotel she was going to and every password and app she has access to. The reason you need this is because then she cannot recreate history if you go to MC.

(2) a commitment from her and plan on what she intends to do to help you feel "safe". That means no more deleting anything and blocking him on all social media.

(3) giving you his contact information so you know who this ass hole is other than some guy beating off to her messages.

 

If she agrees to that and DOES IT , which in all likelihood she will refuse to do, then you make MC appointment for two weeks from now. If she has lied you cancel the appointment.

 

in the meantime, you let her know you have given her the opportunity to attempt to fix this, but if she refuses you are seeing an attorney Monday.

i hope i am wrong, but my guess is she will again tell you she just can;t go totally NC but will sometime in the future, and that is your answer.

 

Everyone here hopes we are wrong, but you must be prepared in case we are right. And no MC is going to solve this for you instantaneously, so unless she stops it immediately, you will be paying for therapy with an active cheater. That is CRAZY!!!!

 

Jurassic, when your wife actually believes in her mind that there are no more chances, then you will actually find out if she is R material or not. As long as she believes she has the chance to wiggle and dance around not getting her way, she will continue to do it.

 

You have caught a few huge breaks here, believe it or not.

(1) she was so delusional that she really did it out in the open and made no attempt to keep you clueless once you caught wind of it. She actually believed you were so weak you would let her go through with it.

(2) this OM is some helpless idiot in his mothers basement.

 

you may not be so lucky with the next OM if you do not stand your ground. She either wants to be married or not, no in between. And no boyfriends.

 

Now sit her down and calmly give her one last chance.

Edited March 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic bickering ~T

[Jurassic12]

We had a conversation, I gave her more chance to break off things with the OM and she has chosen too. She started crying on the phone and told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage because she loves me and her family. I'm still so hurt, she has told me she's sorry for what she's put me through and she's done with him.

 

This is not even close to where we need to be, but it is a start I hope. I think I should still get her served tomorrow. She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process. I will still get her served, I still feel like crap but hopefully she can make it up to me and prove she's committed to our marriage.

 

This does not make up for even a little bit of the abuse I have taken. I still feel so awful at how she was conducting this.

Edited March 5, 2017 by Jurassic12

[WilyWill]

You're right to serve her. You can stop the process at any point. Give her the papers and tell her she's got an uphill battle.

[Friskyone4u]

We had a conversation, I gave her more chance to break off things with the OM and she has chosen too. She started crying on the phone and told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage because she loves me and her family. I'm still so hurt, she has told me she's sorry for what she's put me through and she's done with him.

 

This is not even close to where we need to be, but it is a start I hope. I think I should still get her served tomorrow. She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process. I will still get her served, I still feel like crap but hopefully she can make it up to me and prove she's committed to our marriage.

 

This does not make up for even a little bit of the abuse I have taken. I still feel so awful at how she was conducting this.

 

 

OK Jurassic. Nice move. But you I believe you do realize she was crying more because her fun has been taken away rather than what she has done to you. And you also i believe know that she had every intention of meeting him and even rubbed it in your face openly. She is still lying like a rug. THE TEARS MEAN NOTHING Jurassic.

 

She is going to break NC. You can bet on it. From what you described, do you think that sounded to OM that she meant it or that she was crying her eyes out because her mean husband forced her to do it. You are not out of the woods my friend. She has bought herself more time. That is all this was. Is he blocked on all media???

 

Remember these words. ACTIONS NOT WORDS. Now what did you tell her your expectations were on transparency??? If tomorrow morning you go off to work and she deletes all her phone messages and calls him back to apologize for today how will you have any idea????

 

Thankfully, so far you are following the advice of 99% of us here. That is why she made that call today, not because she wanted to. You do realize that, don't you. So what you have here is a WW who has made the call under DURESS, and in her delusional mind is going to resent you for that and for spoiling her party. That is NOT R material. but lets continue to play the game.

 

Remember, TRUST YOUR GUT. And your gut is telling you to file tomorrow. DO IT JURASSIC. it does not mean you get divorced. It means she gets the consequences that her tearful little act today does not make it all OK now and that she can go back to doing what she was doing with impunity.

 

Jurassic, two things do not happen quickly. Divorce does not happen for months and MC does not work for months or years. By filing for divorce, you can attempt MC with her knowing that the heavy lifting is on her, not you, and that she has a limited amount of time to get her head out of her ass. From what she has done and the way she has behaved, she should be slobbering in tears with thanks to you for even allowing her this chance.

 

Make the MC appointment but not for a few weeks, and tell her any screw up on her part you cancel the appointment and meanwhile the clock ticks on D.

And you need to tell her that before you cancel the divorce proceedings, she is going to take a polygraph test verifying that she has not broken NC and opened any new accounts or seen OM. She should be thrilled to do that unless she is lying to you. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Remember that and do not listen to the crap about reliability of polygraph tests. They are infinitely more accurate than a liar and cheater which at this moment you know your wife is. Even if you have no intention of doing it, her reaction is going to tell you a lot about her wanting to do anything to save her marriage, which she royally ****ed up.

 

Now to MC. Jurassic. MC is a subjective science, meaning that it the OPINION of the therapist and they are all over the place on opinions. You are the customer. You get to decide what is discussed. Interview them, tell them why you are there and that you expect the questioning to be your wifes behavior, not what you have done wrong. And just like you would do in a car dealer who gives you a crappy price, walk out if you need to and find a new one

 

Now is not the time to go backwards. Just remember the tears today were not for you.

Edited March 5, 2017 by Friskyone4u

[EZNona]

We had a conversation, I gave her more chance to break off things with the OM and she has chosen too. She started crying on the phone and told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage because she loves me and her family. I'm still so hurt, she has told me she's sorry for what she's put me through and she's done with him.

 

This is not even close to where we need to be, but it is a start I hope. I think I should still get her served tomorrow. She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process. I will still get her served, I still feel like crap but hopefully she can make it up to me and prove she's committed to our marriage.

 

This does not make up for even a little bit of the abuse I have taken. I still feel so awful at how she was conducting this.

 

I would still have her served as the process can always be stopped. But her receiving those papers will be a reality check that you are willing to divorce her if she ever tries to pull a stunt like this again. She will know you are serious and not some chump that she took for granted.

 

I am really sorry you went through this.