She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[Marc878]

We had a conversation, I gave her more chance to break off things with the OM and she has chosen too. She started crying on the phone and told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage because she loves me and her family. I'm still so hurt, she has told me she's sorry for what she's put me through and she's done with him.

 

This is not even close to where we need to be, but it is a start I hope. I think I should still get her served tomorrow. She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process. I will still get her served, I still feel like crap but hopefully she can make it up to me and prove she's committed to our marriage.

 

This does not make up for even a little bit of the abuse I have taken. I still feel so awful at how she was conducting this.

 

Words are meaningless. Keep your eyes and ears open. You'll know whether she's in or out in time if that's the path you choose.

[usa1ah]

The giveaway is that she cares for the OM. Instead of just breaking it off with the OM with no reguard for him, she is upset about hurting him. This is a bad sign. Have her served, this will show your wife's true colors I think. Don't start turning back to her yet. Keep the 180 going, it is to soon to stop. It will make her fight for the marriage or give up. If she fights and keeps fighting for the next few weeks then I would say you have a chance. If she starts out fighting for the marriage then stops, you have your answer as well.

 

You have to keep up the 180 during this time and stay stronge.

[QuietDan]

It's tough love.

Keeps the situation real with real consequences.

Put's her in the position where she has to make a decision and has to get serious about thinking through her situation and what she really want to do with her life and what is important to her. Does she care more about her current husband and the current family that she has been abusing, or herself, her desires, and her other man....

Ultimately, the goal should be that hopefully both of you two will be able to come back together and both of you will be in a relationship where both of you can will be in a fulfilling, happy, and satisfying relationship that will eventually be worth this hard lesson that both of you two are going through. If this is not possible, you will need to evaluated what will be best for everyone in the long run.

[MickeyBill]

IMO you should continue with serving her on Monday. The reason you are looking at divorce is because of her behavior with the OM, the texting and the planning. To pull it because of some glimmer of stopping the affair in the last couple days would be premature. She needs to know how damn serious you are about protecting your family. She needs to know what she has a good chance of losing

 

She still doesn;t get it.

 

"She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process."

 

She is lying about not planning to meet him, and putting his feelings before yours is not a good sign.

 

You should have an idea as to what you will do when she breaks the NC, she's addicted like an alcoholic, she'll want another drink and will most likely contact him somehow.

 

See what happens when she is served tomorrow.

 

Good luck brother.

[whichwayisup]

We had a conversation, I gave her more chance to break off things with the OM and she has chosen too. She started crying on the phone and told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage because she loves me and her family. I'm still so hurt, she has told me she's sorry for what she's put me through and she's done with him.

 

Doubtful she will totally end it right away. Be prepared for them to speak online and break no contact. This is a process for her as well, she is SO addicted to how he makes her feel, that bubble she's in hasn't fully popped so don't believe when she says it's completely over. Also, her apology needs to be more heartfelt, because she's said some pretty awful things to you and made you feel so shi.tty. One "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it, not even close.

 

Tell her she MUST do counseling to fix herself. She's a broken woman right now.

 

This is not even close to where we need to be, but it is a start I hope. I think I should still get her served tomorrow. She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process. I will still get her served, I still feel like crap but hopefully she can make it up to me and prove she's committed to our marriage.

 

I'm glad you're still serving her. The D can stop at anytime as long as she's deserving of it and showing genuine remorse and stays in NC mode with him.

 

Her loyalty has to be YOU not him.

 

This does not make up for even a little bit of the abuse I have taken. I still feel so awful at how she was conducting this.

 

I think once her bubble pops and she sees what she's done, understands that pain that she's caused you maybe there's a chance of her opening up and being totally honest and sincere. Right now she's got one foot out the door and her words mean nothing until she backs it up with action that proves to you she's worthy of a chance to make things right again. This is going to take a LONG time so be prepared to be patient and wait it out since you love her so much.

[JamesM]

We had a conversation, I gave her more chance to break off things with the OM and she has chosen too. She started crying on the phone and told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage because she loves me and her family. I'm still so hurt, she has told me she's sorry for what she's put me through and she's done with him.

 

This is not even close to where we need to be, but it is a start I hope. I think I should still get her served tomorrow. She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process. I will still get her served, I still feel like crap but hopefully she can make it up to me and prove she's committed to our marriage.

 

This does not make up for even a little bit of the abuse I have taken. I still feel so awful at how she was conducting this.

 

This is a good start. You decide if you want to continue with divorce. Just remember that while you can stop it at any time, once you file it continues until you do.

 

IMO the best thing to do is to get the two of you into counseling. Start sorting through the hurt and abuse you have endured. Start examining why she started the affair. Decide if the two of you will be able to rebuild the marriage. Try (and this is difficult) to begin trusting her motives while at the same time keeping your eyes open to verify that what she says is true or is not true.

Edited March 6, 2017 by JamesM

[GoldenR]

Actually, no it is not. MC may itself help her see the light. I personally know of a man who went to MC with his wife yet he was not ready to leave his OW prior to the MC. After two sessions, he left the OW because he realized how stupid he had been and realized how the "fog" covered his rational thinking.

 

Well then he's the very rare exception and not the standard by which to do things. We see thread after thread here and everywhere else where a wayward enters into false R and money is wasted on MC as the wayward lies to both the BS and the counselor.

[Friskyone4u]

When you file, one of two things will happen, Jurassic.

(1) she will getting even more scared ****less that she has pushed you beyond the limit and realize she better not breakl NC and lie to you any more. Then you go to MC ONCE YOU CAN FEEL ITS TIME.

(2) get angry and use the filing as an excuse to run to him and break NC. If she does this it would have happened anyway and you will know what her true intentions are.

 

Remember Jurassic, you are the betrayed and abused spouse here. It is HER job, not yours to convince you that your marriage is worth saving. It is going to take months if not longer of therapy to get to the bottom of anything, and do you really want to go that route if she is b reading NC. I don't thin k so.

Edited March 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic bickering ~T

[JamesM]

Well then he's the very rare exception and not the standard by which to do things. We see thread after thread here and everywhere else where a wayward enters into false R and money is wasted on MC as the wayward lies to both the BS and the counselor.

 

I agree. I mentioned it because it can happen.

[Dark-Farmer]

Good Job Jurassic!

You need to stay strong to keep her on the right path.

Don't believe her when she says she never would have met OM.

She is saying that to rationalize her actions. Because she's probably starting to look back and not understand it herself. She my even believe herself when she says that too.

 

That said I'm 50/50 on serving her. It sends a message that this is still very serious and divorce is still a very real option, but given she's made some serious steps forward it may be extreme. Is she still open for counseling? or what that a ploy to get you off her back?

 

I do sort of think there is less likelihood of her going underground in the face of being served though. It's you're call. If you want to reconcile just try to not send her the wrong message.

 

 

I think you've rattled her enough she's at least aware of the fog, now she needs to keep working to get out of it to repair your marriage together.

I've followed your story from the start, just glad to hear this update man! Even though you have long way to go.

[merrmeade]

Well then he's the very rare exception and not the standard by which to do things. We see thread after thread here and everywhere else where a wayward enters into false R and money is wasted on MC as the wayward lies to both the BS and the counselor.

I don't think that's true. I think we see thread after thread of people ramrodded (like was happening here) into giving up on their spouses before they have had a chance to begin to understand what they did. It's a freaking process and sometimes you don't know right away who will try to embrace remorse or work for it.

[William]

Robert, moderator ~6, reported that this thread needs a look. Reviewing this page of posts, I'd agree and will remind members to focus on the topic and that *ALL* points of view offered within our guidelines are valid and no one's opinion is superior or more valid than anyone else's. I hope that's clear. It's fine to disagree on content but remain focused on the content, not the member, and direct all comments to the starter of the thread regarding their relationship. Thanks!

[Silveron]

Borderline Personality Disorder. Look it up.

 

 

Don't serve the papers.

 

 

Call a psychologist ASAP with experience in this.

 

 

My wife has it. If she has it, it's extremely dangerous. Sometimes these episodes can lead to such things as suicide. Don't take it lightly.

[Zenstudent]

OP doesn't strike me as someone close to suicide, he's heartbroken and emotionally drained.

 

Serving the papers will only seal the deal. His wife wants to date other men, so unless he's OK with that, filing and serving is a logic consequence and a way to protect himself.

[MickeyBill]

OP doesn't strike me as someone close to suicide, he's heartbroken and emotionally drained.

 

Serving the papers will only seal the deal. His wife wants to date other men, so unless he's OK with that, filing and serving is a logic consequence and a way to protect himself.

 

I'm thinking the suicide post was about the wandering wife, not the OP.

[Jurassic12]

Well from the looks of it she has stuck to no contact. She told me today she blocked his number but he called her from his moms phone and she showed me the logs. Said she is frightened and wants to be done with him forever. She seemed to be looking for comfort although I did not offer it. He hasn't threatened us or anything but he texted and called her from his moms phone saying he loves her.

 

I showed her the papers and told her I'm serious. She is going to go for a psych evaluation tomorrow and wants me to go with her so I will. Still in the basement although she has told me she wants me to go back our bedroom.

[BuddyX]

He called from Mom's phone? We got a gem on our hands here (sarcasm).

 

You're doing great. I do have reservation on her remorse, but only you can read here better than anyone else.

 

Stay strong.

[JamesM]

If you want my advice...then I would not advocate sleeping with her. You have too many emotions to sort through for yourself. The two of you will need to start all over as if you are dating again to rebuild the trust.

 

Seek out a good MC and begin really seeing if this is a genuine remorse that desires reconciliation.

 

While her psych eval may help, my guess is that it may be normal. It does seem that she is willing to do what you ask though and that is a good sign.

 

Don't forget about yourself and your own emotions. Also, not mentioned much here is the children. I think you are dealing with them, but as awful as she has treated you, somehow remember that she is their mother when talking to them.

[Friskyone4u]

Well from the looks of it she has stuck to no contact. She told me today she blocked his number but he called her from his moms phone and she showed me the logs. Said she is frightened and wants to be done with him forever. She seemed to be looking for comfort although I did not offer it. He hasn't threatened us or anything but he texted and called her from his moms phone saying he loves her.

 

I showed her the papers and told her I'm serious. She is going to go for a psych evaluation tomorrow and wants me to go with her so I will. Still in the basement although she has told me she wants me to go back our bedroom.

 

Jurassic,

 

OK buddy. Progress here. Notice how the tone has changed now that she is "frightened"??? Today is Monday. Thursday of last week she still had a reservation to go hacve sex with him. Pretty different narrative right now, wouldn't you say. That happened because you finally stood your ground.

 

Jurassic. Now understand this. You now have ONE DAY of what appears to be proper behavior, but she obviously has this OM totally addicted to her, and he thought he was so close to no strings attached sex, he ain't going to give up so easily. My suggestion to you is to CHANGE her cell phone number Jurassic. If you do not do that, he can easily continue to use other phones to contact her, and you need to tell your wife that until that is done she does not answer the phone if she does not recognize the number. And she should have blocked his mothers number.

 

Once you get her phone number changed Jurassic, if she talks to him again it is because she wanted to. All it takes is a phone call to your provider and he does not know how to reach her on phone.

 

Now social media is a different story. And I am sure you have heard of KIK, SNAP CHAT, and all the other apps. With her at home and you out of the house all day, understand you are not OUT OF THE WOODS YET. Jurassic, I actually think it is fine that you showed her the papers, but now that means if she breaks NC after telling you she wants to be done with him and if you then do not file, it means you have drawn a line in the sand and she has crossed it with no consequences.

 

She may be scared a bit now, but everytime you think mission accomplished, I think you better pinch yourself and remind yourself that four days ago she was sending her underwear to him and her need for the dog kibbles is not doing to disappear overnight here.

 

You cannot monitor her 24/7 so you will help yourself greatly if you tell her two things

(1) you are going to start to research an MC for you two to go to. N o promises but put that out there.

(2) but that you may, notice I said may, want her to take a polygraph at some point in the future because you have absolutely no reason to trust her on the basis of one day of decent behavior. If she is as scared as you think she is, she should be totally cool with that, and her reaction is what is important. MOre than the divorce papers, it will send a clear message to her that she will not get away with any more deceit that will not be caught sod if she breaks NC you will find out by asking one question on e test. It takes her options away.

 

Now JUrassic, if you do MC, you need to interview the therapist and find one that is experienced in INFIDELITY. You own 50% of the marital problems, probably less, but she owns the infidelity 100% and you do not go to some MC who wants to rugsweep that and move on to the why. She needs to be called out on the carpet by this so called professional, including answering every question you have as many times as you want.

 

Jurassic, her flaunting this in your face, sending him videos of herself, can be as damaging or more so that a ONS or actual sex. To oopenly tell her husband she want to go bang a man for a week end as if it was going to a concert is above cruel and unusual punishment for you. Learn from that what she is capable of

 

Right now, you have what is COMPLIANCE because YOU have finally imposed some real consequences. That is a good first step. But go back and read your first few posts and that will or should sober you up quickly. You have one day of correct behavior after months of abuse and deceit.

ACTION OVER TIME JURASSIC. N ot action over one day.

 

Do as you are doing. Throw the "carrot" of MC out there Jurassic. But do not put away your "stick" This is not over.

[lolablue17]

OP I don't know which decision you'll take in the end, but I want to tell you that you've dealt with this matter just perfectly. I admire everything you've done.

 

Although you were heart broken, and your mind wasn't clear, you still managed to be focused on how to remain sane and productive. Look, a few days ago she was determind to go and it was like she lost any feeling for you. And now the situation is she's cut him, says she loves you and wants you with her.

 

This is all because of YOUR actions. It's you, only you. If you had done things differently, the outcome would have been different. You should be proud of yourself for being such a man. Just great!

[understand50]

Well from the looks of it she has stuck to no contact. She told me today she blocked his number but he called her from his moms phone and she showed me the logs. Said she is frightened and wants to be done with him forever. She seemed to be looking for comfort although I did not offer it. He hasn't threatened us or anything but he texted and called her from his moms phone saying he loves her.

 

I showed her the papers and told her I'm serious. She is going to go for a psych evaluation tomorrow and wants me to go with her so I will. Still in the basement although she has told me she wants me to go back our bedroom.

 

Jurassic12,

 

At this time you are still suffering from the whole situation, but I would like to add that this is the time for cool clear thinking. Please read, and have her read, the top link on this page, you should know as a baseline.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...use-needs-know.

 

There is a book that is recommend by many here, I think that it will help divorce, but it is mostly for your wife. I included the free PDF link:

 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_T...FINAL_pdf-.pdf

 

The point is, if you divorce, or reconcile each will bring its own rewards, and importantly pain. I think divorce, is easier to do then reconciliation, as with reconciliation, you must not only ask and hear a lot of hard questions, you have hard work to do along with your WS. Some many disagree, but that is my take.

 

Reconciliation is not for the weak of heart, but you also must weight what would be best for your family (kids), yourself, and lastly your wife. This is doable, if she also works hard and shows remorse. You are both going to have to learn how to do this. Hence the top links to get you started, and you should also know that this will take time. The rewards can be great. Divorce, is something to enter into, and it leads you along until you are single, but as you have kids, you still must co-parent, and that will be for the rest of your lives. Just give each side a equal side in the argument on how you are going to proceed.

 

You are going to hear a lot about remorse. There was a thread that was done not too long ago and it should give you many ideas and takes on the subject. This is important, as you will be looking for remorse from your wife. I think remorse is a process, and also takes time to build, as the WS discovers just what they have done to their spouse, their family and to themselves. Here is the thread.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/609550-guilt-vs-remorse-vs-shame-relates-affairs

 

I think that you have done a good job so far. At this point it is deciding whats next. I hope you consider all options, and take what is best for you and yours.

 

I wish you luck.....

[aliveagain]

If reconciliation is what you want you need to acknowledge her new behaviour. She is doing the key things you have asked of her, no contact, she has blocked his number, she has agreed to the evaluation, excellent progress and you need to acknowledge her actions as being positive. She needs to know that as long as she has ended the affair and is committed to saving and building a stronger marriage with you that you will give her a second chance. You need to give her hope that the family can stay intact as long as she makes herself a safe and a committed partner. Don't leave her hanging there confused, help give her the direction she needs.The evaluation needs to be done immediately and she needs to get into independent counselling so this can never happen again. Good for you J12.

[JamesM]

If reconciliation is what you want you need to acknowledge her new behaviour. She is doing the key things you have asked of her, no contact, she has blocked his number, she has agreed to the evaluation, excellent progress and you need to acknowledge her actions as being positive. She needs to know that as long as she has ended the affair and is committed to saving and building a stronger marriage with you that you will give her a second chance. You need to give her hope that the family can stay intact as long as she makes herself a safe and a committed partner. Don't leave her hanging there confused, help give her the direction she needs.The evaluation needs to be done immediately and she needs to get into independent counselling so this can never happen again. Good for you J12.

 

THIS. Well said.

[Cephalopod]

Have you told the kid's parents?

 

You should.

[Friskyone4u]

Jurassic

 

By now your wife should have disclosed who he is and you obviously should have his contact information from her phone. Now let's assume what she told you was true and that he called from Moms phone. It appears she answered it and instead of hanging up on him she listened to him tell her he loved her. Is that OK with you.

Remember , she was crying her eyes out in front of you saying good bye to

Him. And none of us know if the crying was for what she did to you or for him.

 

My guess is from what you described this genius is surely under the impression that you forced her to do this , and you did by the way. She did not do it because she wanted to. So if you are him, and then she listens to him tell her he loves her, would you think it's over . Highly unlikely. He will keep chasing until either he cannot reach her or she hangs up on him without saying a word or

Listening to a word. No contact means he gets crickets .

 

Now you may need an attorney anyway if this jerk becomes a stalker and you might want to tell his Mommy that if he does not leave your wife alone that he will hear from your attorney. Does not sound like loverboy is rolling in dollars.But he probably knows her last name so he knows how to reach out. You need to reiterate to her that that was her last conversation with him.

By doing the above the jerk will surely want to shove it in your face if your wife breaks no contact which will actually help you

The ball is in your court now Jurassic. But it will not only stay there if you be the leader and spell out what the expectations are so she cannot misunderstand .

 

Hopefully you have turned the corner. But if anyone thinks you are home free here, they have not been reading too many threads