weeble78 Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 (edited) Hello So. I separated from my ex husband to be almost 3 months ago. We separated emotionally and slept in separate rooms 18 months ago. 3 months ago I met up with my very first boyfriend from back home who I've stayed in facebook contact with once or twice a year for the last 10 years. We hit it off immediately with me messaging him over Facebook. We've met up 3 times at his house for drinks over 2 months, all instigated by me. The 3rd time I asked him to meet I asked in my email if we could finish our delicious hug as I didn't know if he was into me. When we met after a few hours he put his arm around me and we kissed. Got a bit touchy feely and he asked me to stay but he didn't try anything too far. After a few drinks he has said things like he's open to a relationship if one comes along, he'd be wary of rebound types and that he'd never move from where he is but he'd like to come visit me and meet my daughter. Great! So I text him day after saying what an amazing night I'd had, he texts back saying same. I left it a few days and still didn't hear from him so I got to the point and said hey do you ever ask a girl if you want to see her again on text. No reply. Then a morning post on facebook saying he'd lost his phone and to contact him there (sure he must have had my message ). So anyway, how the hell do I go forward? He's amazing but never instigates. Asks tonnes of questions to see how I feel about my ex. He is quite shy but I don't want to chase him. He seems to be happy for me to contact him and go down there, but won't initiate with me. Also when I saw him he seemed to be figuring out what I'd be like to be in a relationship with. Haven't spoken for a week. What to do?! Edited February 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge and add paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 You're still married, and he doesn't really want in the middle of that. Going through separations with people is fraught with problems. Why not just tell him, "How about if I call you once the divorce is final?" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author weeble78 Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 Do you think? I'm happy to be patient for this guy, I've known him for years and he is the sweetest guy I've met. Simple conclusion and makes sense I guess. Maybe I'll send a straight up message and say I think he's fantastic but am happy to wait til the divorce is through. Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MilitaryMan Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 You try and work things out with your husband or divorce him. I don't get it that women are so quick to move on to the next man thinking the grass is greener on the other side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author weeble78 Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 Er we are divorcing. I'm waiting for it to complete. He moved on with someone else 18 months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 Er we are divorcing. I'm waiting for it to complete. But this may be a factor with the new guy, many men are hesitant to get involved with a woman still married to someone else. I'd guess you'll have more success with men in general and him in particular when things are finalized. How far off is the final decree? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author weeble78 Posted February 26, 2017 Author Share Posted February 26, 2017 Thanks for replying. I do get that. I applied for divorce only about 2 weeks ago. I'm either underestimating the impact of getting divorced, or maybe this guy just isn't interested. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I'm either underestimating the impact of getting divorced, or maybe this guy just isn't interested. Or maybe you're are just trying to monkey swing and this guys branch just isn't strong enough to hold you. why did you and he break up the first time? Why didn't you end up with him years ago if he is the sweetest guy? Why are leaving one guy just to go back to a guy you already left years ago? Why are you in such a rush to get back in relationship with someone that your are chasing some dude that you've already had a break up with? This isn't making any sense. If you're marriage is over and you are simply waiting for the paper work to go through. and you were to bring home some dude from the bar for a night of fun and ego boost - that makes sense. (it might be kind of skanky, but it makes sense LOL) But chasing some guy that lives hours away that you already have one failed relationship with previously and you aren't even hooking up with him....that doesn't make sense. There's a piece missing from this puzzle. Why are you pursuing some guy that you've already had a failed relationship with on the tails of a failed marriage? Why the rush to monkey swing and why him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheDawg Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Jumping into another relationship right away probably isn't the healthiest thing to do. Take care of ending the marriage, figure out what YOU did wrong in the marriage, heal and then think about dating. Are you in IC? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 This guy isn't that interested in you, if at all because you are the one doing all of the chasing. Trust me, if he wanted you none of this would be a problem since you no longer live with your husband and divorce proceedings have begun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author weeble78 Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 So are you saying he's not interested because I'm chasing, or he's just not interested. Ie if I stop chasing him will he be more interested? It's difficult because we live 2 hours away. All I can say is that after last time we texted to say we'd had a great night and 5 mins layer he posted on facebook a song, and wrote "major feelings" then I didn't text him for 4 days and he took it down. I'm obvs a very optimistic person ? Re counselling I underwent it alone a year ago and moved on. Very helpful too might I add. Link to post Share on other sites
Author weeble78 Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 Or maybe you're are just trying to monkey swing and this guys branch just isn't strong enough to hold you. why did you and he break up the first time? Why didn't you end up with him years ago if he is the sweetest guy? Why are leaving one guy just to go back to a guy you already left years ago? Why are you in such a rush to get back in relationship with someone that your are chasing some dude that you've already had a break up with? This isn't making any sense. If you're marriage is over and you are simply waiting for the paper work to go through. and you were to bring home some dude from the bar for a night of fun and ego boost - that makes sense. (it might be kind of skanky, but it makes sense LOL) But chasing some guy that lives hours away that you already have one failed relationship with previously and you aren't even hooking up with him....that doesn't make sense. There's a piece missing from this puzzle. Why are you pursuing some guy that you've already had a failed relationship with on the tails of a failed marriage? Why the rush to monkey swing and why him? Ha we bumped into each other as friends and didn't stop talking. We went out with each other for a summer when we were 15 and it was an innocent thing, a kids thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author weeble78 Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 And I'm not leaving a guy - that happened a long time ago. My ex has been in a relationship for at least a year Link to post Share on other sites
Author weeble78 Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 Anybody got any more ideas? He said last time he wanted to cone visit me where I live and I'd like to invite him up for the weekend. If it seems like I'm chasing him though then I'll leave it. I hate all this vagueness, I'm really bad at reading people and get confused dating.. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 You aren't single. 3 months is not long enough to be ready to date. He's just not that into you. Watch the movie. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author weeble78 Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 Sorry I don't think I'm saying this right. I've been single for 18 months. My ex moved out 3 months ago having started a new relationship 18 months ago. He stayed for his daughter until his new gf wanted to move in with him. What I don't get is, why would new guy say he wants to see me again, meet my daughter, help out with my new house etc if he wasn't interested? I'm really confused about that. I've instigated the 3 times we've got together over the last 3 months and a friend of mine said recently she thinks I'm leaving it too long speaking to him and he's probably backing off because I'm officially still married and he thinks I'm not that interested. I'm finding the vagueness annoying so am thinking if asking him to travel up and see me this weekend instead of being blunt and asking him what's up. I find it easier to be blunt ttbh.Why would someone keep messaging and being cute if they're not interested? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I'm finding the vagueness annoying so am thinking if asking him to travel up and see me this weekend instead of being blunt and asking him what's up. I find it easier to be blunt ttbh.Why would someone keep messaging and being cute if they're not interested? Because they're laying future groundwork? Because they've got multiple irons in the fire? Because they're socially awkward? Weeble, why does it matter? He knows of your availability, the specifics of your situation and hopefully of your interest in him. So any lack of action is on him and a potential red flag, you don't help yourself by pushing him into something he's not ready for. In short, he knows where to find you... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Fdb Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 It is just my mind now: if a guy loves you, he will find a way to get closer to you. I am divorcing right now. I will be waiting someone to come to me when I am ready. Otherwise, I will be busy with my kid, the kids without anyone to love them.Not going to waste my mind and energy on any man anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author weeble78 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Well to me it matters because I like him a lot but have had people do this in the past when they're not interested ie say they're wanting more when actually they don't. I've invited him over on 3 occasions, and have done so not because it's something I'd do normally but because my situation means when I go see him I stay with my parents and then only have a few hours with him. I've been on a few dates over the past few months and this guy got me excited and hopeful for a dating future again. I've been alone for a long time and it's just been me and my little girl, I'm ready to try and make a life for myself as part of a couple. I believe in going out to get what you want, not sitting there waiting for it. And I sure as heck don't want to spend months daydreaming of dating someone when in reality they just like me going to their house for fun. Anyway. I invited him up for the weekend to go out on some walks I know he loves and he turned me down saying he's got something on and also he's spending lots of money on some equipment for his work so he'll be out of money for a while. That's clear enough for me now, but it's saved me waiting on weeks more of vague emails thinking there's a chance we can get together. Thanks for your help though, I find all this vague stuff bizarre as I'm a very straightforward kind of person. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Thanks for replying. I do get that. I applied for divorce only about 2 weeks ago. I'm either underestimating the impact of getting divorced, or maybe this guy just isn't interested. This is my guess, interested enough if you're throwing it at him, but not so much that he will make an effort....This is what I would call a huge red flag, but I expect you to justify it with some lame excuses and proceed with chasing him. In a few months you'll be crying about how he changed when in reality he is that now...That is uninterested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author weeble78 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Wow there really are some pleasant people on here! Thanks for your lovely help and input. I'm happy he responded as such as that's enough for me to get it as I'd already decided I wasn't going to go visit him again. I've sent a short one liner saying ha ha good luck with the photography sweetcheeks and won't reply again. People are very negative on here. I understand judging when I'm not divorced yet and being such a direct person but to judge me as being someone pathetic who'll keep running when someone isn't interested? Thanks guys! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Anyway. I invited him up for the weekend to go out on some walks I know he loves and he turned me down saying he's got something on and also he's spending lots of money on some equipment for his work so he'll be out of money for a while. That's clear enough for me now, but it's saved me waiting on weeks more of vague emails thinking there's a chance we can get together. Well, as they say in court, question asked and answered. At least you have some clarity, time to move on... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author weeble78 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Thanks Mr lucky Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Wow there really are some pleasant people on here! Thanks for your lovely help and input. I'm happy he responded as such as that's enough for me to get it as I'd already decided I wasn't going to go visit him again. I've sent a short one liner saying ha ha good luck with the photography sweetcheeks and won't reply again. People are very negative on here. I understand judging when I'm not divorced yet and being such a direct person but to judge me as being someone pathetic who'll keep running when someone isn't interested? Thanks guys! Sometimes truth can feel like judgement. Just based on what you've said the guy isn't interested, us saying it doesn't mean we are judging. Something else you wrote kinda stuck me....You've never really let go of this guy, in turn were never really fully invested in your husband or marriage. I expect you will disagree but to get this involved this fast with someone who is making no effort suggests this is something you have wanted for a long time. Maybe even spent years comparing to your husband. Real can never be competitive with idealistic fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author weeble78 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Ha ha I'm sorry but you are so far out it's untrue. I've spent 3 months getting to know this guy on messages and he comes across as the most loving kind person ever. My ex wasn't like that. He was manipulative and deliberately went out of his way to be cruel. I begged him to work on our marriage up until the day I found out he was cheating on me and he laughed in my face. I spent a year building myself back up and going to counselling while trying to be an awesome mum and then recently bumped into this new guy again. We spent hours talking about things I've never had conversations about with my husband and he seemed totally on my wavelength. A bit shy, a bit hesitant and wary as I'd recently broken up with my ex. So we've just been keeping it easy. Except I know myself and that I'm on the cusp of getting feelings for him and don't want to end up heartbroken. No offence but you sound like quite a suspicious and negative person to me. You don't know me or my background yet you are making up things for yourself. My prior relationship with new guy consisted of hanging with friends in a park for a few months. As kids do. I don't know him really today, it's like meeting someone new except you have a little bit of background. And apologies but I don't think 'in a few months you'll be crying' etc is truth, it's conjecture based on your opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
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