SexySadie Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 The digest version of the past month. A month ago tonight, I had BF go and spend the night at a friends house to cool off. He's always drank, but controllably and a couple of times a week. The past two months his drinking had increased because of depression from work, obligations etc. I got angry because he didn't come home or call nor would he pick up the phone when I was calling. To make a long story short, he ended up staying with someone else who was renting a room from a woman. Two days later BF was involved with this woman. This is NOT him, he doesn't believe in affairs and is quite adamant about it. He denied it to me and said everyone was lying and trying to break us up. But I told him that it had been confirmed and he finally resigned to the fact and said it wasn't supposed to happen, but it did. She is an alcoholic and he's been drinking 24/7 since he has been with her. The first three weeks were very rough between us. I found out that one of our "Mutual" friends was sabotaging things between us because he apparently had an interest in helping me pick up the pieces, so to speak. I finally figured out what was going on and went into No Contact with the friend. BF and I have a busines together with another partner. He's been neglecting it since he left but spent all the money in the account. We've since changed the name of the company and rerouted incoming money. He know understands that he's going to be out of the financial portion of the company until we are back on our feet again. Anyway, we went on a trip that had been planned for several months for all of our friends and us to a dart tournament. Things were great there...even though he took her along, she was like a third wheel just drinking herself blind. He sat between us and every time she put her hand on his leg he found an excuse to get up and move away. When an old friend came up and tried to hit on me, he even took notice and remarked to me about it. I laughed it off and said yeah, he figured out we weren't together anymore. I've been in therapy now for 3 weeks and we finally talked a bit last week. I've come a long way in my therapy, learning that my expression of anger that night was really fear of the unknown but I didn't know how to express it. So I am working on me. Things were calmer between us. However, he did give me permission to move on. He has not come to get his belongings and all he has is a suitcase of stuff. He told our business partner that he doesn't want to get them and the one time he did mention it he made excuses and never did. So I keep getting all these mixed signals from him. I told him I was going out of town for a few days and didn't contact him for 3 days and he called on Thursday night to tell me he wasn't going to the tournament. Knowing his car was broken down, I offered to have someone come get him and he said he had no money. Well he ended up showing up anyway and she paid. Since then, I have gone No Contact again. We do see each other every Thursday at our dart tournament (I've given up practice nights because of the "Friend") but my Therapist agrees that I should not stop the tournament because that is for me. I'm just wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this. Initially, I did the begging and pleading and as my therapist said that didn't work, so try something new, which is the No Contact. He did call me after 2 days. I know he is hurting and just drinking himself into feeling no pain. Even he admitted that. He said he doesn't want to feel anything right now, just avoid it all and have some peace and quiet. Is there anything I can do to reassure him about the pain that he is feeling? To reassure him that it will not happen again? Just to let him know that it will be okay and to let his pride down a bit? Link to post Share on other sites
mixwell Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 Why would you want him back after he had relations with this other girl when you two were together ?? WHy would you allow him to get away with it ? You should stand up for yourself and get rid of him. There are no excuses for him to do what he did. He sounds like he just wants his freedom right now from what you say and there is nothing you can do about it.. He has to made the choice that he doesnt want to be with you and it sounds as of right now he doesnt want a relationship.. at least not with you right now.... I would just ignore his ass and stick with NC.. Try to become a challenge to him if you want him back.. Make him chase you.. I still think you should ditch him though but if you want him back that would be my suggestions.. Take care, Peace Link to post Share on other sites
Author SexySadie Posted July 25, 2005 Author Share Posted July 25, 2005 Thank you...I do know him and I know that he is struggling with what happened with us and now with her. He has nowhere else to go, no money, nothing. He's down, hitting rock bottom and here is this person taking him in and comforting him in and feeding him all the beer he can drink. He's in such a state of depression...everyone can see it. He's even said that he's running and doesn't want to feel the pain right now. I just wish there was something that I could say to him to reach him to let him know it will be okay. The OW is nothing, she's just a result of the alcohol and the running to find himself. As he says he feels nothing. It's funny that I can say this, she's not the issue, my Therapist agrees. But now she's become an issue by letting him drink himself into oblivion. He's dranken 4 weeks straight now. I know that NC is the correct thing to do for now. I just wish I could ease his pain somehow because I know he is ashamed and I feel his pain. Link to post Share on other sites
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