Is it wrong to be mad.

[Jenn]

My boyfriend and I both agree that pornography is wrong. He has asked me to avoid it and I have done the same. He acutally is very serious that he does not even want me looking at funny pictures that are jokes. I respect him and I do not do these things. A few nights ago he went on porn and not only did he go on but after he was done he went on again. This makes me so mad. I don't like the idea that he is looking at other girls and if this would have been me he would have freaked. I am very upset and I am not sure if I should be or not. I know alot of men look at porn but I don't believe in it. Personally I think it is sick and now I feel like I am just not good enough for him anymore and that he has to result to something else. What should I say or do and am I wrong with how I feel.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE:

 

1. "My boyfriend and I both agree that pornography is wrong."

 

Well, you may agree but that doesn't seem to make any difference to him, now does it? Can you say "hypocrite"?

 

2. "He has asked me to avoid it and I have done the same."

 

Well, at least one of you can keep one's word. That's batting 500.

 

3. "He acutally is very serious that he does not even want me looking at funny pictures that are jokes."

 

Well, of course he's serious. He doesn't want two perverts in the family. What a deal? He's looking out for the two of you as a couple and ensuring that at least there's some preservation of morality and honesty. God bless him!

 

4. "I respect him and I do not do these things."

 

Again, I think it's great that at least one of you has some respect. Sounds like a good balance in the relationship. One honest and respectful...the other a liar, hypocrite, and disrespectful. Good balance, yes!!! But I think you ought to review the kind of people you have respect for. You sound like a really nice lady...and I don't actually believe you can respect someone who is a two-faced, hypocritical bum. I don't believe that for a second.

 

5. "A few nights ago he went on porn and not only did he go on but after he was done he went on again."

 

I suspect by saying "he went on porn" you mean he viewed it. Well, again, isn't that special? Now, I believe you said the both of you agreed pornography was wrong. I also believe he asked you to avoid it and you have. You also said he is so serious he doesn't even want you looking at nasty pictures that are jokes and you have respected that.

 

Now, this jerk comes along and helps himself to a heaping helping of porn, not just once but twice. What character, what respect, what honesty. I mean your boyfriend just oozes with character, ethics and integrity. YUK!!!

 

YOU FINALLY ASK: "What should I say or do and am I wrong with how I feel."

 

You should tell him he is a rotten, spineless, immoral hypocrite who says he doesn't like things and asks you not to do them...and then turns around and does them himself and that he's not the kind of scumbag you would ever want setting an example for your children. Also let him know there is no way you could ever love someone so two-faced with such little moral fibre.

 

Then say "BYE BYE" and don't look back.

 

And NO, you're not wrong for the way you feel. I can't believe you are being so cool about this because I'm pretty pissed at the guy myself.

 

I'm really sorry but you've got yourself a real weirdo here. I don't care how much you may love somebody, you can't have someone in your life who absolutely insists you don't do something who then turns around and does it himself.

 

This lowlife excuse of a human is likely to absolutely insist that you remain loyal to him and never look at another man...and then go out and spend an evening with one of his many girlfriends. He is WORSE than any loser I've ever heard of

 

Dust him tonight. You'll get over it real fast. There are lots of guys who practice what they preach.

[JustAGirl]

lots of guys think like that....

 

eg:

 

women shdn't sleep around, NO WAY

 

but it's fine for a guy

 

and the reason is the dummest thing: as long as women r only with one man, there's no Qn of who's child it is if she gets pregnant...

 

isn't that silly, u guys??

[sparkle]

I couldn't agree more with Tony.

 

I can't believe he told you not to look at it and that he thinks it's wrong, BUT THEN went and looked at it himself. What a hypocrite! Don't let the fact that he looked at some porn upset you as much as the fact that he is SUCH A HYPOCRITE!!! Who knows how many other things you two have agreed not to do, that he does anyway?

 

And bout the porn, if my boyfriend did something that I thought was sick and disgusting, that would be reason enough to leave him.

[Blank]

The fact that I have been trying for the past year, out of respect for her, to stop looking at pornography. You see, I have a few year history, and its not just that easy to stop looking at it suddenly.

 

In addition to this, I have also been trying to stop masturbating for her.

 

She came into this relationship pretty demanding of the things I do, also. And I told her, I would be bothered if you looked at the pictures, but if you do, that's your choice.

 

She's never had the degree of interest in porn that I have had because she's been with other men, and the only person I have been with sexually is her.

[Tony T]

So we have point/counterpoint going here. I take it you're the guy in this scenario. I also assume that you have NOT invaded your girl's privacy in this case by snooping in her Internet history to find her post.

 

Pornography is an addiction for which you can get help. Go to the links page of this site. Then click on addictions and recovery for the sources of help and information on pornography addiction. You can also get mounds of help by using a good search engine and entering "pornography addiction" in the search field.

 

Now, if your girlfriend knew you had this serious problem and knew you were getting better and knew you were working on this, why would she post here? You need to find out and talk this out. You've got a bad communications problem that needs working on in the relationship as well.

 

Have her read some of the material on this addiction so she can be supportive of you in your quest to overcome it. This may be something you will have to work on for years but I take it from your post that you are sincere in your desire.

 

If the resources available on the Internet seem inadequate, get counselling.

 

As far as masturbation goes, a little of that shouldn't be harmful. However, if you seem to prefer self stimulation to intercourse, that is not good. But, again, you seem to be working in the direction of getting better. If what you're saying is true, I am amazed that your girlfriend doesn't see that you're trying.

 

As I said at the top, if you got to your girl's post through snooping, I still think you have no class. But I'm glad you saw it so you can get this straightened out. An addiction to porn can have a devastating effect on a relationship over a period of time.

 

I still think you've got a lot of nerve telling her to do something that you do on a regular basis. Rather, you should tell her how bad your problem is and let her know how it has harmed your life...and that your wish is she never does anything to acquire the same problem.

 

I've never been able to understand pornography addiction myself. If you've seem a few naked ladies, you've pretty much got the idea...in my opinion.

[Blank]

No, I did not snoop. I am a regular reader here.

 

I've been looking at pornography since around 12 years old. I'm 17 now. I began to stop looking at her out of respect for her, like I aforementioned. But, I'm not perfect so I am bound to cough up once in a while. I made a mistake twice in the same night. But, it should be noted that I hadn't been on it in almost two months before that night. And, a few nights prior to that, I resisted temptation to go on for it.

 

My girlfriend knows this, and I had to drive it into her head that I have been trying to change for her, I just made a mistake. Its lying trying to quit smoking; its practically expected to pick up a cigarette occassionally even though your trying to quit. I think most people try to quit numerous times because they failed before...

 

As for masturbation, I do not find it more gratifying than any other form of sexual interaction with my girlfriend.

I still think you've got a lot of nerve telling her to do something that you do on a regular basis.

As I said earlier, its not on a regular basis. It is rare that I go on, and when I do, I feel extremely guilty.

[Tony T]

I'm really glad you're working on this. I know it's difficult. But please communicate with your girlfriend and let her know just what you're going through so she can be supportive.

 

Yes, this type of addiction is just like smoking or drinking and you can backslide from time to time. The important thing is that you communicate this to your girlfriend so she completely understands.

 

And when you tell her not to do something that you are working on not doing, make that very clear to her...so she doesn't get on this forum and make it look like you are a total hypocrite...which I now see you obviously aren't.

 

She needs to know how difficult this is for you and that you are doing it for her. She ought to be very flattered because what you are going through is very hard. If you ever need help, it's out there for you.