HUGE crush on older coworker, but has this devolved into mind games?

[devora]

There's this guy who I work with who i've had the biggest crush on for almost a year now. I am in my late 20's and he's about seven years older than me (he looks really young for his age and the age thing doesn't bother me at all.)

 

For the most part i've kept my longstanding crush quiet and just kinda observed from afar because 1) I work with him and i'm a little apprehensive to date a colleague and 2) I assumed that he had a significant other since he was so smart/funny, etc. However he has been working at our office for years and mutual colleagues said that he never mentioned anything about a significant other so, I decided to indulge in my crush until I heard otherwise.

 

Over the course of the months i've been in the office we chatted during work over our company's messaging platform. Just silly messages here and there, sometimes flirty, nothing too significant. I had given him my number months ago and mentioned that he should contact me sometime if he ever wanted to hangout outside of work- he never did and rarely texted me outside of office hours. Any communication that occurred outside of office hours, I had to initiate. I'm pretty aggressive and straightforward so I was okay with that - hey maybe he wasn't totally sure I liked him??

 

So, rewind to two weeks ago, it's the end of the week and a bunch of my coworkers and I go out for lunch/drinks. We are seated in the restaurant across from each other and as soon as he sits down he texts me something funny to get my attention. I smile and we exchange texts back and forth. Just silly conversation, mildly flirty.

 

By the time we get back to the office, we are still talking. There was a point where he made a silly comment about my conversation being 'boring' so I replied that it's diffuclt for me to censor my words with him sometimes. Eventually I gather the courage to come out and tell him that I've had the biggest crush on him throughout the whole time i've worked in the office. He basically said that he was impressed and that I had 'stones' to be so candid. He said that he had a hunch about my feelings and that he was 'wrapping up a relationship' so that's why he hasn't been as responsive to me in the past. He ended his response with saying 'I like you too.' I had a feeling he liked me and i've heard from other coworkers that it seemed like he liked me.

 

Fast foward two more weeks, not a whole lot has changed since I told him, he doesn't talk much to me outside of work, if we do it's always short and I have to initiate it. He never really elaborated further about the status of his relationship. I had asked him if it was okay that I talk to him after work, I expressed that I didn't want to make anything weird or cause any added stress if he's going through a difficult time, he only replied with 'doesn't matter.' I jokingly mentioned one Monday that it was 'so great talking to you this weekend' and he just kinda joked back about how much we talked (I wanted to make a sarcastic comment to reinforce how much I would like to actually talk to him outside of work.)

 

 

Anyway, he hasn't made much attempt to get to know me further or hangout/talk more during work hours. I think he had been in this relationship for a while so if they lived together, maybe there are assets that have to be divided and such.

 

 

I don't want to be pushy but I've felt this way for a while and it's hard to still feel somewhat kept at a distance and wait indefinitely for things to progress toward dating.

 

 

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to be more responsive with me after he asked me to be more candid and I came out about liking him so much? Should I just lay low and not engage with him too much? What should I do from here?

[Marc878]

If he's ending a relationship he may not be ready yet for what you want.

 

Patience is a virtue.

 

If you chase too hard they flee.

[whichwayisup]

I doubt he's ending his relationship. He's not showing you interest and you need to stop investing in him. Stop flirting and focus on your job. It's one thing to date someone in the same office or different department as you but it's another to date someone you actually work side by side with daily.

 

You chose to allow feelings to grow and he's not feeling them towards you. You fed his ego and by confessing how you felt his reaction now is showing you he's not wanting a relationship or anything. Sorry if that strings to read.

[preraph]

He let you know he was in a relationship. That does not mean to expect more attention from him. My guess is if he ever does "wrap up" his relationship, he will probably go out with you, but he will also probably go out with other women, as men do who have not been single in a while.

 

So you are being premature trying to lock something down when you have not even dated and he is not yet single. You need to just keep dating people and going on about your life and see if he ever gets around to making himself single again. If he does and he wants to go out with you, he will ask. But please know that he may also have his eye on some other woman he's been wanting to date, because that's how it usually works. He may go do that first or at the same time. So don't be thinking of him as a boyfriend or that you have first dibs on him or anything. Once you have been out a few times, then you at least have a right to know a little more about what his intentions are. Good luck.

 

Let's hope he doesn't have his eye on some other woman at work.

[devora]

Thanks for the replies, I've been suspecting that maybe he's not into me. I'm not sure why he'd make it a point to say 'I like you too,' it feels as though he definitely meant it in a romantic way, otherwise a person wouldn't just say that to someone who has confessed to having a huge crush on them?

 

I've already began to keep a distance from him.

 

If he does try to initiate conversation I feel like I would want to respond but I can't without thinking he is continuing communication because my feelings are mutual. How do I handle any future conversation that he initiates? especially if it's flirty or if he sends me a cute picture of some animal online?

 

How do I maintain that distance without seeming crazy? As if one minute i'm into him, the next i'm not?

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the replies, I've been suspecting that maybe he's not into me. I'm not sure why he'd make it a point to say 'I like you too,' it feels as though he definitely meant it in a romantic way, otherwise a person wouldn't just say that to someone who has confessed to having a huge crush on them?

 

I've already began to keep a distance from him.

 

If he does try to initiate conversation I feel like I would want to respond but I can't without thinking he is continuing communication because my feelings are mutual. How do I handle any future conversation that he initiates? especially if it's flirty or if he sends me a cute picture of some animal online?

 

How do I maintain that distance without seeming crazy? As if one minute i'm into him, the next i'm not?

 

He will know why.. He has a girlfriend so therefore if he asks why you're distant (aka not feeding his ego anymore) tell him that you don't go after guys crush or not, who are in relationships. If he flirts with you, either ignore or stand up and say that it's wrong now because of his R.