Wow! That was a lot...

[solesoulsorrow]

My wife is the best thing thats ever happened to me. And we are getting a divorce. It's the single greatest pain I've ever gone through. You know how they say when a member of a long married couple passes away, the other often goes within 6 months? I completely understand why. I feel physically ill and its been dragging on for almost a year. She is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing before I sleep. The break-up was my fault. I've heard some people say that relationships are a shared responsibility and everyone plays their part when things go awry. And although this may be true... (awry? Really? Ive never used that word in my life...okay, awry it is) in this case it was all my doing.

 

It started out excellent. We were (and are) best friends. But after a time I was depressed and felt stuck. Then she had enough one day and it was done. Initially I reacted poorly. It took me 6 days to regain my composure. You know that scene from Forgetting Sarah Marshall where Jason Segel is playing the piano and arguing with himself? Yep... Anyway. The very idea of us not being together hadn't even crossed my mind. Honestly. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean I wasn't completely oblivious. I knew we had been having problems, but I thought that it was something that we would overcome together and be stronger for it. We seldom argued, but the intimacy was dwindling. This was mainly due to a combination of several things:

#1- I took her for granted. I didn't appreciate everything she did for me.

#2- I was taking a specific antidepressant that I now know to be a "libido killer." I had been on it, off and on, for 20 years. I have had dysthymia since forever and I thought at that time that the symptoms of this was inherent in my personality (low energy, low sexual energy, a struggle to complete tasks & a general foggy feeling when interacting with people, like you are in a daze or something.) We didn't touch each other for months. She assumed it's because I wasn't attracted to her anymore. This was not the case. #3- I thought that I "had her." Not that I owned her or anything, more like I didn't celebrate her or cherish her (which was in my goddamn vows!)

 

I read 5 relationship books within the first two months of our seperation. I learned that even though the news of our seperation had hit me in an instant, that when women are faced with this decision it occurs in stages and sometimes over the course of a long period of time. I never asked her about when the thoughts of a divorce started to creep into her mind. But I imagine that it must have been difficult for her. I mean after all, aside from all the aforementioned faults, I am awesome. And more importantly an awesome father.

Yes we have a young son together. I hope that he is young enough that this won't have any latent, negative impact on him. I often worry about that. I wonder if the seperation hinders my ability to father in some way. We essentially split him in half with she and I working opposite work schedules and he switching back and forth between homes.

 

Here comes the curveball: the seperation ended up as the best thing that's ever happened to me. Not because I was away from her, but because I was able to reframe my life. I changed my diet, started exercising and lost 55 lbs and counting. I created my first ever bucket list. I took some of the constructive criticism she gave me and ran with it. I found an antidepressant that works better for me. I now have my sex drive back. I addressed the issues she had concerning my dependability and maturity. I actually transitioned from being a young adult to an actual real live adult. I used to irresponsibly ignore phone calls because of sales calls and creditors. Not any longer. I made a game out of answering my phone, remembering the number of times I successfully answered my phone in a row and then trying to break the record. In case anyone needed me, I had become reliable. Consequently I had fixed my credit.

The seperation happened in May. Since then our conversations were excellent. We were always joking on the phone and via text. I saw her twice a week for a kid exchange and we even went a few places together. Everytime I saw her it was bittersweet. I learned in my buttload of reading that the body processes emotional pain the same way it processes physical pain. You can actually take over-the-counter headache medicine to ease you through a heartbreak. You're welcome. It worked. I dont have any sort of problem with addiction, so I wasnt concerned with that. But on days when I would spent a considerable amount of time with her I would take one. I called them Briana Pills. FYI, her name isn't actually Briana, but to screen her identity I made up a name.

 

Then in December I was in a near fatal accident. I woke up in critical care not knowing fully what had occurred. I had suffered a broken back in two places, my jaw was fractured and later wired shut, I couldn't move my left arm and I had a couple broken ribs. I recall asking the nurse for the phone in-between consciousness. I think I asked several times over the course of several hours and I distinctly remember her asking me "WHY??" with sassy attitude on one occasion. Once I got my hands on a phone, I dialed the only 3 numbers I knew by heart. 1- My childhood friend's number; I was deeply confused and had dialed the wrong area code. I probably left a very strange message for someone. 2- My parents home phone number; they never answer. They still haven't listened to the message I left. Probably where my non-phone answering comes from. 3- And lastly Bri; that's the last I remember. I had passed out again. When I awoke she was by my bedside. She had rushed from work and never left my bed. Even when they downgraded me to stable and moved my room, she was there. I don't recall much from the first two days, but I remember her being there, by my side.

 

Way later, after I was recovering she sent me this text: "The same for you ya know. I was terrified when you got hurt." That was verbatim. I don't think she would mind me posting that.

We have a complex relationship. She is the mother of my kid. I love her parents and feel like I disappointed them as if they were my own. It would be hard to untangle her and I. Our shared Facebook friends are somewhere in the 70's. She is in all my family's photos. My parents have a picture of her beside my only sister, who unexpectedly passed away a year prior.

During our seperation I never tried to change her mind concerning her decision. I never begged or pleaded or cried. I was still upset, but I didn't let anyone see it. Especially her. Within less than a year I became more of the man she thought she was going to marry. I wasn't ready to be married then, but I didn't know that at the time.

 

Then Valentine's Day roled around. I brought her flowers & a few of her other favorite things, but she wasn't home. When she got in she called me on the phone and asked me to meet her at her place. I was a half hour away by then, but I doubled back. When I arrived I played with our son & chit-chatted with her (through my teeth which had been wired shut.) She told me, 'by now you are probably aware that I have been seeing someone else.' But I had not been aware. The 'other' was a female co-worker that I thought was only a friend to her. Briana wasn't gay, but I had known that she...how do I say...had an eye for females too.

I processed this in real-time, with the spotlight on me, with her staring at me waiting for a reaction. I asked if she made her happy. I asked how long have they been seeing each other. Two months. She was afraid to tell me. She started to cry. I gave her a hug and told her it was okay. I congratulated her, told her that I was glad she was happy and I wished her luck.

I excused myself after awhile and drove home. I don't remember the drive. I arrived at my Aunt's house where I had been staying during my recovery. I laid in my rented hospital bed and stared at this cloth tapestry on the wall. It had printed photos of my family having fun.

It had photo of Briana in it. I think I died a little at that moment. I had lost her. I did everything correctly during our seperation, sans the first six days. We had been rebuilding our connection. But the damage to our relationship had been done. I had neglected her, a form of abuse. She went and found what she was missing. What I had failed to give her. I deserve every bit of the pain coming my way.

 

I regressed some during that next week. I didn't eat and hardly slept. Whenever I conversed with Bri (which was still almost bi-hourly, everyday) I made sure not to let-on how much I hated myself. I was, however, legitimately happy for her. I want her to live a long happy life. I just wanted to be the one to provide that for her. I knew I was up for the task. Just like I had been positive that I was up to the task of being dad; it just so happened that my timing was off when we were married. I had yet to make my last move into adulthood.

Since that time I've done more reading, more exercising, and I'm tanning! I gave up video games and am hitting the books hard in preparation for nursing school. I promise to not give anyone a hard time who wants to use the phone.

 

I have a mild depression that is at bay now, for the first time in my life. But it was with me during my formative years, it altered my perception of who I was and it wreaked havoc in my connection with other people. I could have to wake up and go to chemotherapy every week. I could have to take insulin everyday. I could have been born with a missing limb and have to deal with that my entire life. Everyone has something (and if you don't, be prepared, it just means yours is coming. And that's a scary thought.) This was my SOMETHING. I get to watch my wife from afar. The depression may have been 'mild,' but it had far-reaching effects that even I was unaware of. And my something hurt other people. I hurt other people.

 

So thats where I am at right now. I'm not sure where to go from here. Do I move on? I tried dating but quickly realized that it's too soon. It's not really fair to anyone either. I found myself discounting perfectly good women because they weren't Bri. And what about my wife's girlfriend? (That sounds wierd) How is she going to deal with such a close relationship? Am I getting in the way? Now we have an unhealthy, unorthodox relationship. I have a feeling that I will lose my best friend, the love of my life and someone who changed my entire trajectory. I remember filling out one of those online dating profiles and it asked me who the most influential person in my life was. ****... I can't really put, 'my wife' now can I, lol? Anyone I date will be put off by my unhealthy connection with my soon to be ex-wife. But I can't really disconnect because of our son. I'm honest, good-looking, kind, loyal, funny, thoughtful, motivated and now completely screwed. I can blame this on a mental illness because I was unaware. But now I am fully aware of my situation and I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you are married and having problems like so many people do, go get help.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm honest, good-looking, kind, loyal, funny, thoughtful, motivated and now completely screwed. I can blame this on a mental illness because I was unaware. But now I am fully aware of my situation and I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

Marriage is a habit and the process of separation/divorce involves breaking those familiar rituals and associations. Many parts of it simply take time.

 

The challenge for you becomes keeping the co-parenting bridge intact while moving one with your life. No one benefits if you make yourself a martyr to a dead relationship and you have a responsibility to your son to become a whole, complete person.

 

You may indeed be unprepared for dating and relationships but can still be involved in many activities with both genders. Play a sport, volunteer in a group, support a cause, join a book club. It beats staring at a wall and will (eventually) open you up to other possibilities. One step at a time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[solesoulsorrow]

Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

I get from this? Your wife bailed on you. Without trying marriage counseling. Not giving you a second chance when you woke up. Now it's possible she detached and emotionally moved on years ago so ending it was right for her. You have a mental illness that's a forever thing and she either never understood it or didn't have the patience to work through it with you until you got yourself back on track.

 

I'm glad you're on the mend from your accident, how scary to go through.

 

Keep working on you and be the best dad to your kid.

[DDTA]

Do you have or had a joint cell provider account? If so, are you able to look up past bills and look at your wife's text usage history? I'm curious if a certain number has been on your wife's phone a lot....and possibly going back over the past year. If so, it could be that coworkers number.

 

I've read a few relationship books, too. It's really strange when a spouse all of a sudden just tells you they want a divorce out of the blue and if so usually it is because they were having an affair for a while.

 

Maybe she wasn't. Just covering bases.

[solesoulsorrow]

Yes we do have a shared phone plan. We also have joint bank and checking accounts. I do recall having lunch with her around August or September. We asked each other if we were seeing anyone else and we both responded, 'no.' But I believe her. I'm thinking that this was something that occurred between the two of them just recently.

She and my son have been visiting her parents of of town, so I have been taking care of the house. I saw a photo of her girlfriend for the first time today; it was one of those Seasons Greetings cards that some people send out to relatives. And a year calender with photos of the two of them. Some with her holding my son. Things are moving quickly for them. I moved my wedding ring to my right hand today. I'm just going to take the advice that I've received and focus on school.

Thank you guys!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sole, sorry that your marriage had to end like this. I may have missed it but how long were you two married? If your marriage was for a long period of time it will take you some time to come to terms with your divorce and end of your union. However, look at it as a new beginning and keep working on yourself to become the MSN you know you are deep inside yourself. At some point in the future you will find another lady who will complement the new you in every way and you will fInd happiness once again. As it is said when one door closes another opens. I think life on earth is meant to teach our souls lessons e cannot learn in another dimension. Maybe, over a period of time the lesson that you were meant to learn will bec9me clear to you. Just be thankful that your stbxw came into your life when she did and stayed with you for as long as she did because she opened your eyes to something that you were previously blind to. Always be grateful for that. Warm wishes.

[GorillaTheater]

That, my friend, was a hell of a story. I don't know the last time I read such an engaging, well-written, and heartbreaking post.

 

 

The hard-boiled side of me says it's probably done; that once a woman hits the point your wife is at that there's no going back. That your best bet is to keep up with your hard-won self-improvement and pour your new knowledge and insights into your next relationship (after you give yourself a time to heal).

 

 

I think all of that is true, but the romantic in me would love to see this work out down the road. I almost decided against writing that, because I don't want to give you false hope. I just want you to know that there are a few internet strangers who are pulling for you and wishing you the best.

 

 

Depression is a mother f*cker, that's for damn sure. Never let it take over your life again.

Edited March 3, 2017 by GorillaTheater

[Birdies]

Hi there. Wow, this post really resonated with me because you sound so similar in so many ways to my ex-husband and to our situation. Full disclosure, much of the same thing happened in our marriage, except that I also had an affair and fell in love with the person (and vice versa) while still married I'm not sure how many chances and warnings your wife gave you - I hope a lot, so it wasn't entirely out of the blue. I did quite a bit, but my husband also admits he also took me for granted and never imagined we'd actually separate, so they didn't really matter. Frankly I never thought we'd every be apart either, until I fell in love with someone else (worst thing I've ever ever done, to hurt my ex in that way To his immense credit, he has been kinder and more gracious to me through our divorce and new beginnings that I deserve.)

 

I know for us, disengaging has been difficult as well because we've been the center of each other's lives for 15 years, since we were late teenagers. It's been a little over a year now, and it definitely takes some getting used to. As they say, just let time do the heavy lifting. You need time to process the end of your marriage, your friendship as you know it, and your life as you know it. Disengaging hurts, but it just prolongs the process to stay in as close touch as you would like. My ex and I both had to keep ourselves from very frequently texting because we missed each other. You need to fight against that instinct where when something funny or familiar and interesting happens, to tell your ex first. She is not that person to you anymore, and you are not to her, and the sooner you act like it, the easier it will be - you know?

 

No need to rush the dating scene, although if you're the type who might enjoy it, there's nothing wrong with going out and finding a one night stand to help jumpstart the transition. My ex did that, and also started dating someone just a few months after we separated (while we were still married - which was FINE by me of course given what I did to him, but just wanted to clarify). He admits that it may have been to soon because it did distract him from the healing process - but it also distracted him from his pain and made him realize that there were many other women out there who he could feel a close and exciting connection with, and that was liberating and healing in itself.

 

Anyway I'm just rambling, but I truly hope that you use this time to continue to learn how to make yourself happy and fulfilled in life. My ex has really embraced that and I'm thankful every day for that. He's an amazing person who could make someone so happy if he just dealt with a few issues head-on, just like I'm sure you are too. Cheers

[Mr. Lucky]

I think all of that is true, but the romantic in me would love to see this work out down the road. I almost decided against writing that, because I don't want to give you false hope. I just want you to know that there are a few internet strangers who are pulling for you and wishing you the best.

 

That's the great thing about doing the 180 and moving on with your life - you're well-positioned regardless of the outcome.

 

solesoulsorrow, don't let the bad guys win...

 

Mr. Lucky