Letting the "friendship" go after an emotional affair..thoughts?

[SetMeFree79]

So I have been in a friendship & emotional affair for almost 4 years.... this man is significantly older than me, has been married for about 15 years w/ children... however we continue to stay in contact, feelings for one another have been acknowledged, have even went as far as giving him a gift, him receiving provoctative videos & pictures of me, him inviting me to watch him perform in one of his hobbies while in the same vicinity of his wife (although he never attempted to introduce us) and kissing him on the cheek and a brief graze on the lips....I don't want to do this because I someday want a family of my own & feel if I continue an emotional/spiritual connection with this I am hindering myself from being authentically open for something meaningful with an available man... however what I feel is keeping me stuck is because he reinforces outside of our attraction we are really friends and mesh well...my question being is there anyway we can actually be friends? Just seems like the cycle of flirtation will never end...as much as I care about our friendship, I don't know what to do... or is he emphasizing "friendship" because he wants to keep me around? He tells me that he loves & respects me & thats why he does not want nor plan to cross a sexual line with me...suggestions? Please no harsh judgments.. I just need advice...

[Cymbeline]

I think you are giving him something he wants, extra to his marriage. Perhaps attention, careful

Listening, lack of judgement or demands, or simply the presence of a sympathetic and attractive younger woman.

 

What do you get out of this? He isn't being a mentor to you in any way as that includes education (personal or professional) and support in life. He isn't actually a friend as this is not friendship. He is taking up space in your head that would be better used elsewhere, as you clearly recognise.

 

Where or how else can you get what he is giving you? I'd suggest getting emotional support and intimacy from other women first. Do you have good friends whose company you thrive in?. If you need the support and confidence an older person can give, then women involved in your hobbies may well be prepared to take an interest in you if you ask for help as might older colleagues.

 

I think this is a very unequal relationship which is never ever healthy for either party and will diminish you instead of helping you to grow.

 

Try to work out what he is giving you, and plan how to get his in a healthier way. No one person can give you anything that cannot be obtained elsewhere or grown within yourself.

[BaileyB]

You are on that slippery slope... And you are right, having this man in your life will definitely not be conducive to having a family of your own.

 

You've already crossed that sexual line by sending him provocative photos and videos... This is moving, however slowly, in that direction and when it does become sexual, you will be lost....

 

You are not in too deep yet, so get away from him now while you can. Nothing good can come from this "friendship."

Edited February 26, 2017 by BaileyB

[freengreen]

Its only matter of time and oppurtunity .. PA will happen... then it goes south from there ( all this north was unreal anyway)...

 

If you are keen on saving some unnecessary pain. END EVERYTHING. People sitting here have been through it... it is so terrible that they are ready to help all souls who are potentially in danger, although strangers on internet. It wasnt fun for us, we dont want anyone else to go through it.

 

Takecare.

[FoundMyStrength]

My views on this issue are probably a little bit different than most. I've been in two long-term relationships, both with men I've known ~20 years (friends from college). Both ended amicably, and we're all still very good friends. The only way to achieve that, though, is honesty (with yourself and the other party), communication, respect, boundaries, and acceptance of the situation.

 

I think one problem with xMM and affair partners is that that level of honesty, communication, and respect is hard to achieve. I would guess it's not impossible. I imagine there are isolated instances where former affair partners could transition to friendship. But that would take two very emotionally mature people, and I think most affairs are driven by the fact that one or both parties is emotionally immature.

 

There's also the secrecy of it. I can call up my two good friends any time of day or night, just like anyone else. If they got sick, I could visit them in the hospital. When one of them had a baby, I visited him and his wife to see his newborn. These are the elements of friendship that can never happen with ex affair partners. You'll always be a secret. You'll always be hidden from his wife, his family, his friends. It creates barriers and boundaries that are, in my opinion, emotionally intolerable. Friends, but not really.

 

So, in my opinion, it's possible but highly unlikely.

[SetMeFree79]

Thank you all for your advice and thoughts...I feel extremely bonded to this man...the hardest part is letting go of the "friendship" part....I really hope this feeling does past and I hope I have the strength not to reach out or to respond to him or at least keep it bare minimum with him if he does reach out...he doesn't want to let me go however doesn't plan to have sexual relations....although the sexual energy is there but he acknowledges it is deeper.....I hope someday we can meet again and make this right for the sake of friendship and I won't be a secret...he tends to contradict many aspects of our "friendship"....

[SetMeFree79]

For the record I do have close friends and family I am bonded with but our bond seemed very special....he started off saying how similiar we were....I was in a relationship in the middle of our "friendship"...however now when I am single and tell him about other guys he seems to not want to indulge too much in the convo or says little things to where he seems like he is jealous...he even went as far as to ask me if I had sex with one of my dates...in which threw me completely off & I wondered why would that be his business whether I did or didn't

[FoundMyStrength]

For the record I do have close friends and family I am bonded with but our bond seemed very special....he started off saying how similiar we were....I was in a relationship in the middle of our "friendship"...however now when I am single and tell him about other guys he seems to not want to indulge too much in the convo or says little things to where he seems like he is jealous...he even went as far as to ask me if I had sex with one of my dates...in which threw me completely off & I wondered why would that be his business whether I did or didn't

 

He probably is jealous. Some disagree on this board, but I do think MM can develop bonds and real feelings for the OW. I think mine did. And it seemed like it was quite painful for him to realize that choosing his wife meant I would, in fact, move on to find someone else. That's why I think the emotional maturity is key. It's not impossible to be friends, but your MM would need to be mature enough to realize that for every action there is a consequence. He chose his wife. That means you get to seek out happiness and love elsewhere. And he'll have to accept that is reality to be friends.

 

If you want to continue to try this friendship thing, my recommendation would be to be honest with him. Tell him, hey, you made a choice. Now I'm moving on, and you don't get to know information about my love life or my sex life. That topic is off limits. It also works in reverse. If you know it hurts him, maybe you should take the topic off the table yourself. Surely there are plenty of other things to talk about?

[BaileyB]

When I am single and tell him about other guys he seems to not want to indulge too much in the convo or says little things to where he seems like he is jealous...he even went as far as to ask me if I had sex with one of my dates...in which threw me completely off & I wondered why would that be his business whether I did or didn't

 

He is likely jealous. It's the old saying, "he wants to have his cake and it it too..." He doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. It's a cruel thing he is doing, encouraging you to invest your relationship with him such that it will negatively affect any other relationship that you have... all the while knowing that he will never leave his wife for you.

 

A real friend wouldn't do that...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

SetMeFree, I hope you come back soon. It's been about week since your last post. My xMM was eerily similar in some ways. After 5 months NC, I still question why he actually, truthfully held back. I'm posting some comments he made in emails to me. Let's see if we crack this riddle together! Perhaps you'll see something in what my xMM said that is difficult for you to see in your MM, and hopefully will add some perspective. I'm interested in your comments.

 

From xMM at 10+ months into affair: "Anyway it seems I did achieve turning u on, but never intended to offend or disrespect u. That's why I have not tried to f*ck u (sounds a little crude but I like it, sorry) if I can't give u a commitment and as such I was scared coming to ur pied a terre as didn't want to lose control and have us regret going too far. I can well believe f*cking u is like crossing the rubicon, and u have more than enough magic to make me addicted to ur p*ssy : ) so forgive me for my weak naive attempts at fore play."

 

And this one at 11+ months: "The bigger problem is this. I was impulsive in going after u. However I can't give u wat u want. I didn't want to take total advantage of u, if I couldn't give u a commitment and change my life. So I stepped back. I was concerned if left alone together, like in the pied a terre, I would f*ck u, which didn't seem right if I couldn't commit to u.

 

Would I want to f*ck u? Absolutely, who wouldn't but my head won't let me. Being with u makes it very hard to resist u, I can still see ur beautiful rosy <<sensored>>, they are burned in my memory. So I find u sexually hot, enjoy our friendship, fascinated by ur mind and connect with ur energy. I enjoy all the sexual interplay, and obviously don't want to know u r f*cking someone else, but also realize if I can't give u everything in life I can't stop or hold u back."

 

I ghosted him a month later...because really, what is the point??? It was hard, so hard, because I was totally in love with him...but for the same reasons you stated about tying up your energy and losing out, I decided it had to be done. It still hurts sometimes but it is better than the alternative: pining for a man I can't have.