Underthepink Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 Have been reading post and relieved to have somewhere to share what has been an emotional Rollecoaster. MM and I met over a year ago, it was a coincidental meeting He came and ate at my restaurant every day for 4 months before anything happened but we started an emotional and then physical relationship , he is not from the island we are both married for 10 + years for me and 20 for him , I was unhappy and trying to leave my marriage.. not an excuse. He said he never expected to meet someone like me and especially create this kind of connection, I fell hard and was so deep into it I could see up , when he would leave to see his family in US I would be a wreck until he came back My family noticed,asked me to leave this alone before my H found out and I ruined our lives , but I couldn't and then last week after a series of emotional outburst from me, (wanting more but not saying it) I realized although he's never felt this way he's not going to leave his family and I can't decide what to do with my marriage if he is still here. So I cut communication and went NC, I didn't say why (I mean do I need to , he will only talk me out of it) and I knew he would be leaving for the states so it would give us space for the NC to stick before he comes back. (Today) a big part of me is dying to hear from him but the other hoping that the Ghost and NC makes him stay away so I don't have the opportunity to be weak. But I miss him , I miss him saying good morning , our chats at night laughing and sharing everything , all the moments that we shared . for one year he filled such an enormous void and now I am caught between just wanting to hear anything from him but I know this goes nowhere and it needs to stop before I hurt myself and my family. I am just trying to be strong but feeling weak. Thanks for listening Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 Speak to his wife, that might give you a clearer idea of how their marriage is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 (edited) Hang in there. It's really tough in the beginning, almost like torture, but it does get better. There are many xOW like myself on this site to back that up. The longing, the pain, the loneliness will get better over time if you stick to NC. He will become a memory, one mixed with love and pain. Once the pain dies down a little, try to use this time to really assess your marriage. It sounds like you weren't very happy beforehand. Try to figure out if you think your marriage is something you want to stay in. Don't factor MM into the equation. 9/10 times, men will not leave their wives. Ever. It sounds like you already know this about your MM. One thing that helped me during NC was to think about what it really meant to be in the affair. I had a close relative who was dying, and xMM couldn't be there for me. In the 6 months since LC/NC started, I've had serious physical issues and am now getting tested for a second chronic illness that is scary beyond belief. xMM is not able to be there to comfort me, to hold me when I'm in pain, to comfort me when I'm scared. Love is all well and good, and I believe we had that. But when push comes to shove, people who are married simply *can't* be there for you. And I think all of us OW should expect more from the people who profess to love us. We need partners, not hurried breadcrumb texts. Edited February 26, 2017 by FoundMyStrength addition 2 Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 You are in withdrawal. Keep on the path. It's hard and it hurts, but you have to do it. You said it yourself, it was a roller coaster. It does not get any easier. Stay NC, use every support necessary to do it. I promise it gets easier. It feels so intense right now, like you can't get through it, but you can and you will. You have to be strong. Get through this and then you have some big decisions to make regarding your marriage. You can do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Underthepink Posted February 26, 2017 Author Share Posted February 26, 2017 Thank you for your responses, it really is hard and I know I am doing the right thing, I just didn't expect it to be this hard. My H and I were not happy before and I am ready to really look at my marriage and see whether or not it is salvageable. I think that today is just hard because I know he returns today and so it triggered a lot in me, I feel like a mess, But I am going to stay the course and will not reach out. NC got me off the ride I can see a bit clearer, which is a relief but it doesn't stop the pain. Thank you for the encouragement. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 Have you thought about telling your husband about this MM that you fell in love with and an affair with? He has the right to know about what you did, this way he can make an informed choice if he wants to try to fix the marriage with you and give you a chance to regain his trust again. Fixing the marriage without him knowing is a lie. There's no consequence here, nothing to stop you from having another affair or even picking up the A with your exMM. Just something to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Underthepink Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 @whichwayisup About two years ago before my affair my H found out about a mutual Friends affair and said that it was selfish for her husband to have told her about the affair, he thinks the other person should live with the guilt, but at the time of course it had nothing to do with us, do you think I should still tell him? He is a very prominent person on our island and before I met MM I was planning to leave for other reasons, I was so unhappy and he didn't care as long as it looked good to everyone else, and I was dying on the inside , so I made a plan I saved and made enough money to open my own little restaurant I was/am so Proud and was working towards my goal when MM came into the picture, I didn't expect the connection and honestly him just asking how my day was and saying good morning and "dream big" filled a need I was craving he would help me problem solve and cheer me on the whole way while my company was growing .I realized how much more I wanted out of my relationship I am looking for a partner and for a while he filled all those gaps. Honestly I don't know what to do with H do I tell him and risk the wrath he is incredibly spiteful , do you have to come clean to spouse to attempt a start over? I know MM made everything harder to think clearly and I know that I romantasized him and that the only thing keeping me from spiraling down into calling him is this forum,it's just this pain is harder than the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 @whichwayisup About two years ago before my affair my H found out about a mutual Friends affair and said that it was selfish for her husband to have told her about the affair, he thinks the other person should live with the guilt, but at the time of course it had nothing to do with us, do you think I should still tell him? He is a very prominent person on our island and before I met MM I was planning to leave for other reasons, I was so unhappy and he didn't care as long as it looked good to everyone else, and I was dying on the inside , so I made a plan I saved and made enough money to open my own little restaurant I was/am so Proud and was working towards my goal when MM came into the picture, I didn't expect the connection and honestly him just asking how my day was and saying good morning and "dream big" filled a need I was craving he would help me problem solve and cheer me on the whole way while my company was growing .I realized how much more I wanted out of my relationship I am looking for a partner and for a while he filled all those gaps. Honestly I don't know what to do with H do I tell him and risk the wrath he is incredibly spiteful , do you have to come clean to spouse to attempt a start over? I know MM made everything harder to think clearly and I know that I romantasized him and that the only thing keeping me from spiraling down into calling him is this forum,it's just this pain is harder than the rest. Imagine if you and your husband work things out, the marriage is good again...Then say 2 years later when you're happy and thriving together he finds out you cheated on him and had an affair. If your H was cheating on you, would you want to know? Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 As a fWW who confessed, I have to say that I don't believe our marriage would be as healthy as it is right now if I hadn't confessed and laid it all on the line. I gave my H the truth and allowed him to choose what he wanted to do with his life. He told me that if had known about my A, there was a big decision he would've made differently. I took away the truth of his own life and that is a horrible thing to do to a person who trusts you. It's like building a house on top of a broken foundation. The house will never be solid...your marriage will probably never be solid with such a secret between you both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Underthepink Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 I agree, with both of your perspectives and was thinking maybe a marriage counselor of sometype would be good, I feel like a third party may be helpful as he has anger management problems and I don't want to deal with his explosive behavior by myself anymore, I have asked him to counseling before this but maybe laying out all the cards will help. Nervous but you are both right. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Underthepink Posted March 4, 2017 Author Share Posted March 4, 2017 I am over three weeks NC , and trying to figure out what I want to do with H , therapist is working through all this muck with me, I have been trying to mentally wean from Xmm (I've started dreaming about him a lot.. is that weird?) well now he's back on the island.. how do I know? Because he's decided to start eating at my friends restuarant the only person who knows about the A , why does he have to eat there , she's not engaging with him when he comes in as she knows how hard all this has been for me but I just don't understand, eat anywhere else but our two restaurants! Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Because he's a selfish man who doesn't care anything but for himself. If she owns the restaurant doesn't she have the right to refuse service to anyone? I'd totally be that friend who kicked him out. Stay strong. This is the first of many tests he will put you through. Just remember. He's only out for himself 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 It's a very passive aggressive way to get to you... and it's working. Ignore him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 If she owns the restaurant doesn't she have the right to refuse service to anyone? I'd totally be that friend who kicked him out. That's a good point! I'm not sure that I would refuse service, though - perhaps just have a quiet word with him, "I've been asked to convey that there is absolutely no interest, and you coming here won't change that. Now...can I get you a beverage, to start?" (And, if he says that he doesn't know what the friend is talking about, just respond, "Oh, sorry...I must have the wrong guy." Underthepink, there's nothing wrong with asking your friend for help at this time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Underthepink Posted March 4, 2017 Author Share Posted March 4, 2017 (edited) Thank you all for your response, what's funny is my friend asked if she should tell him he's not welcomed but I feel like that gives him a response too, so I said just ignore him. I mean I ghost and NC at the same time so that I could gain control back. This just got in my head a bit , like is this coincidental or is it him trying to get to me (which your right it worked) and needed a little support the dreaming of him didn't help . remaining firm and silent. Thanks ❤️ Edited March 4, 2017 by Underthepink 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 He's testing the waters to see if he can get back in the pool. Your job is to not let him do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Underthepink Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 It's just weird because he's not saying anything or doing anything besides going there but it wrecks my head and I don't even understand how this is testing the waters but rather to torture me because he knows I can't control him going there and that if I do ask her to he knows it's getting to me, which he IS I feel SO Stupid. :( Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 (edited) He may be eating there because he likes the food. It's even possible that a regular patron or employee caught his eye during the A and he's going there in an attempt to snag a new OW. I was a WW in my first marriage. A few AP's introduce me to new places I very much liked. I still went to those places occasionally after the A's were over simply because I liked the food and atmosphere. I didn't think it would bother my exAP's because the relationship ended, we're all adults here, etc. etc. A common mistake exOW/OM make is to think the MM/MW is as affected by the A or the end of the A as much as they are. Often, this is not the case. Edited March 5, 2017 by MJJean 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Thank you all for your response, what's funny is my friend asked if she should tell him he's not welcomed but I feel like that gives him a response too, so I said just ignore him. I mean I ghost and NC at the same time so that I could gain control back. This just got in my head a bit , like is this coincidental or is it him trying to get to me (which your right it worked) and needed a little support the dreaming of him didn't help . remaining firm and silent. Thanks ❤️ Yep, I would just let it go. Don't go to the restaurant, and don't show him he's getting to you by having your friend intervene. I don't know, my experience has made me view most xMM as somewhat childlike, emotionally stunted men. It may be that the end of the affair has gotten to him (or not), but b/c he has no ability to deal or cope with emotions at all, he's doing random sh*t like this. My xMM recently reached out with a random movie reference that apparently means something like I love you. During our limited email contact after he moved back to his hometown, he stopped saying I love you, replacing it with I miss you. I guess 6 months later he can't even say that, so had to dredge up a movie quote, lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Underthepink Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 It really is like being an addict isn't it? I've never been addicted to anything but a lot of it mirrors what I think recovery looks like, having to go cold turkey with NC and knowing that AP and any contact could lead to a relapse. it's was the Emotional part that got me "hooked" and so the rose colored glasses finally started to come off when I realized that he had taken all the emotion out from his end and was giving me bread crumbs ( I love you turned to I miss you , turned to heart face) and was having his cake and eating it too, I tried a couple of months ago to leave by saying this wasn't enough but he talked me out of it and I got more emotionally "hooked" I know he is going to my friends on purpose because when I ghosted and went NC he went to her place and asked her if she knew what was happening. She told him yes and to understand that this isn't good for me. I know that I did the right thing and there is a peace that is starting to take place from not checking my phone all the time or figuring out how to see him and the constant lying to others and myself. I really appreciate this forum, to see that some of these things happen in other A's make me feel less isolated. It's been hard and I just want to continue to stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 I think you have to tell your friend not to tell you anything about him if/when he goes back to the restaurant, no matter what it is, it's best for you to be kept in the dark and moving forward with your healing and staying in NC. No gossip about him and not thinking of him will make it easier for you in the long run. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Underthepink Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 @whichwayisup she said the SAME thing and for the exact same reasons, especially after my response which was tears. I guess this is all a part of the process. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 (edited) He may be eating there because he likes the food. It's even possible that a regular patron or employee caught his eye during the A and he's going there in an attempt to snag a new OW. I was a WW in my first marriage. A few AP's introduce me to new places I very much liked. I still went to those places occasionally after the A's were over simply because I liked the food and atmosphere. I didn't think it would bother my exAP's because the relationship ended, we're all adults here, etc. etc. A common mistake exOW/OM make is to think the MM/MW is as affected by the A or the end of the A as much as they are. Often, this is not the case. OP, when I read your post yesterday, ^^^ this is along the lines of what I was thinking. Your pain is palpable, and I think that you want to believe he is going there for you because you miss him and don't want to believe he would drop you so easily. It stinks, I know! I think he likes the food. I have places I frequent, that I've been to with ex's, and I never think of my ex's when I go there. I just enjoy the food, the atmosphere, the people who work there. Heck, I first met up with my xMM at one of my favorite places, and despite the COUNTLESS hours I've thought of him since beginning NC, I think he briefly crossed my mind once when I went back there (out of about 10 visits). I wish you a speedy recovery! Edited March 5, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Underthepink Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 @hadmeoverabarrel , I think it is one of the hardest blows to realize that while so many things rotated around the A and all the feelings and ENERGY that I put into it, It meant nothing. My heart breaks at all the waste and I am just grateful that I closed the doors when I did because I have so much to repair emotionally from this whole thing, trying to fill a void with something toxic , he went for my soft spots and so much of it is almost text book when I read other threads. the pain is so complex. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 @hadmeoverabarrel , I think it is one of the hardest blows to realize that while so many things rotated around the A and all the feelings and ENERGY that I put into it, It meant nothing. My heart breaks at all the waste and I am just grateful that I closed the doors when I did because I have so much to repair emotionally from this whole thing, trying to fill a void with something toxic , he went for my soft spots and so much of it is almost text book when I read other threads. the pain is so complex. I empathize with this 100%...just commented on this myself within the last couple of days. Giving myself with apparently so little appreciation and lack of regard has been the toughest thing, and maybe that's the case for all OW/OM. One step at a time, one day at a time. I know it feels like you'll never find your way, but it gets a little easier bit by bit. Hugs! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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