How are you coping today?

[The Outlaw]

Much betta but slightly wired now TBH. 

[MeadowFlower]

On 5/21/2020 at 9:55 AM, K.K. said:

Ohhhh. Ok. Well, in the future I hope you look back and are doing ok and my hoping you will be ok will still stand ... in the future. Do you look back at your past posts already in this thread from the future which is now and see any progress? Hope so. 🙂 

Thanks @K.K. 🙂

I don't really look back at my posts with the specific purpose to see how things have progressed. 

[Cora]

Hope everyone is doing well.  Haven’t checked in here in awhile.  I’ve realized that I haven’t thought about the ex quite as often.  Think I’m finally almost completely over the pain that I refused to let go of.  Now I just feel nothing.  It’s lonely sometimes, but for the most part I think I’m happy being single.  Sure it would be nice to find a companion, but I’m no longer actively looking.  I’m to the point now, if it happens it happens, but I will no longer search for that.  It’s tiring and disappointing.  I’m done with that part of my life and am now finding new things that make me happy.  Learning to be happy with myself rather than searching for someone to make me happy.  I have learned the hard way that if you aren’t happy with yourself then no one can fill that void and you in turn could never make anyone else happy.  It’s a lesson I should have learned long ago, but better late than never I suppose.  Anyway, that’s my little update.  Wishing all peace and happiness.

[MeadowFlower]

I'm not very happy lately. The thing that happened is partly the reason for this. And also the way someone in my family is feeling, affects me. And I don't like going to work. 

[MeadowFlower]

@CoraHey Cora 👋🏻 

[scooby-philly]

6 hours ago, Cora said:

Hope everyone is doing well.  Haven’t checked in here in awhile.  I’ve realized that I haven’t thought about the ex quite as often.  Think I’m finally almost completely over the pain that I refused to let go of.  Now I just feel nothing.  It’s lonely sometimes, but for the most part I think I’m happy being single.  Sure it would be nice to find a companion, but I’m no longer actively looking.  I’m to the point now, if it happens it happens, but I will no longer search for that.  It’s tiring and disappointing.  I’m done with that part of my life and am now finding new things that make me happy.  Learning to be happy with myself rather than searching for someone to make me happy.  I have learned the hard way that if you aren’t happy with yourself then no one can fill that void and you in turn could never make anyone else happy.  It’s a lesson I should have learned long ago, but better late than never I suppose.  Anyway, that’s my little update.  Wishing all peace and happiness.

I love this. You're absolutely right - healthy relationships only come about when both people love themselves and can "build a life together" but do not "need" each other to feel content, happy, and healthy. Now....we often forget this because we see so many people in relationships. But we know, our gut reminds us if we listen, that people married even 15, 25, 40 years - can be one "bad thing" away from having the thin foundation under their relationship crumble. Happens all the time, even to seemingly "great" couples. And it's okay to search...it's just not okay to "need" a relationship, or to let the "search" consume your life or define your self-worth and identity. I'm 9 months out of a devastating heatbreak. Even at 7 months there was residual pain. Now - peace and serenity. And I've given up on "dating" for a while. Because there's a ton I want to do and I just realized yesterday that yeah, I'll actively "engage" in the dating process at some point in the future. Maybe 3 months from now, maybe 6 months from now. Maybe a year from now. But I don't need it and who knows, maybe when I'm least expecting (which is when they say it often happens) I'll find someone without having been actively looking for it. Thanks for sharing a positive note with everyone. Blessings and prosperity to you and too all!

[The Outlaw]

Lemme see. I'm Bored. Reflective. Inquisitive. But otherwise, I'm OK. I've just been seeing a lot more of this as of late. Not hard to do given our current pandemic situation.  

[simpycurious]

19 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

Lemme see. I'm Bored. Reflective. Inquisitive. But otherwise, I'm OK. I've just been seeing a lot more of this as of late. Not hard to do given our current pandemic situation.  

Being bored is the WORST...............reflective is not bad though

 

Me, I am SORE very sore which is also bad....lol

[homecoming]

It's such a strange concept to me that a person could have the knowledge that they have caused someone else pain, whether intentionally or not, and continue to go about their lives without ever offering up any form of apology or remorse. I know that's probably very naive thinking, but I just can't imagine being like that. I'm not even suggesting I am a morally immaculate person, but I just couldn't live my life without at least making some attempt at an apology. I guess not everyone lives that way.

[The Outlaw]

Some people just live under the delusional concept that they can do no wrong, hence no apology. And some even enjoy it. 😠

[Realitysux]

14 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

Some people just live under the delusional concept that they can do no wrong, hence no apology. And some even enjoy it. 😠

Maybe they don't have the opportunity to apologize  

[The Outlaw]

Just now, Realitysux said:

Maybe they don't have the opportunity to apologize  

That's true, but some just never do. I work with a guy that doesn't. He has his ways of apologizing but never actually says it. 

[homecoming]

I've started medication a week ago to try and help me with my CPTSD, and it's been so difficult. I have had extreme anxiety all week, which I read is normal in the first week or so of this medication. I am just hoping things get better and trying not to quit taking the tablets, because I really want to feel better. I am just so frustrated that being involved with someone has caused my mental health to decline in such a way, and they have never even shown one ounce of remorse for the way they treated me. 

One thing I will never do, though, is ever let them know about my pain. I will never contact this person ever again. Never.

[Realitysux]

12 hours ago, The Outlaw said:

Some people just live under the delusional concept that they can do no wrong, hence no apology. And some even enjoy it. 😠

Sometimes they don't work alone and other people join in on all the fun! 

[The Outlaw]

1 hour ago, Realitysux said:

Sometimes they don't work alone and other people join in on all the fun! 

True. But peeps such as that are best left alone. 

[K.K.]

14 hours ago, The Outlaw said:

Some people just live under the delusional concept that they can do no wrong, hence no apology. And some even enjoy it. 😠

Be strong, Outlaw 😏 

[The Outlaw]

1 hour ago, K.K. said:

Be strong, Outlaw 😏 

I will indeed 😏

[scooby-philly]

On 5/26/2020 at 8:06 PM, homecoming said:

It's such a strange concept to me that a person could have the knowledge that they have caused someone else pain, whether intentionally or not, and continue to go about their lives without ever offering up any form of apology or remorse. I know that's probably very naive thinking, but I just can't imagine being like that. I'm not even suggesting I am a morally immaculate person, but I just couldn't live my life without at least making some attempt at an apology. I guess not everyone lives that way.

Life teaches us, unfortunately, that A LOT of people don't apologize or they do not truly mean it if and when they do. It's unfortunate  but a reality we need to face. For some its because they dont have the intelligence or emotional intelligence to understand when they make mistakes.  For others its narcissism that prevents hem. For some crazy crazy people theres a psychological disorder that affects them. Psychopaths and sociopaths are like that. And for others...sometimes they want to but their self defense mechanisms and or the mask and persona they wear in life stops them from doing so. Dated a psychopath once. Could do no wrong. Last ex...her "good girl" demeanor and persona and her judgment of everyone and everything made her blind to her ability to make mistakes and or hurt people. A real shame...but it happens. 

[scooby-philly]

Feeling lonely. But also feeling something else. Not sure what it is. I have no desire for the ex on a rational level and my inner child has almost 100% replaced the image of her he was holding onto. Maybe it's just lonely and also waiting for things to change. Will be buying a home later this year or early next year and also want to switch jobs once things settle down from the virus. So maybe a bit of boredom/frustration with work creeping in and mixing with the loneliness. But the non-profit group I run on the side is going very well so I can take pride in that. So I can manage the loneliness. Just want to make sure I get back to being active everyday for a bit so I can start shedding weight during the summer and get healthier. Small steps. I know I can do it. I guess I'm just at a point that now I'm dreaming of life by myself and for myself, the ache of loneliness just goes deeper as I'm trying my best not to medicate it with anything bad or possibly addictive. So - here's to managing the loneliness! "Hello darkness my old friend"....

Edited May 29, 2020 by scooby-philly
Hit save too quickly.

[homecoming]

12 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

Life teaches us, unfortunately, that A LOT of people don't apologize or they do not truly mean it if and when they do. It's unfortunate  but a reality we need to face. For some its because they dont have the intelligence or emotional intelligence to understand when they make mistakes.  For others its narcissism that prevents hem. For some crazy crazy people theres a psychological disorder that affects them. Psychopaths and sociopaths are like that. And for others...sometimes they want to but their self defense mechanisms and or the mask and persona they wear in life stops them from doing so. Dated a psychopath once. Could do no wrong. Last ex...her "good girl" demeanor and persona and her judgment of everyone and everything made her blind to her ability to make mistakes and or hurt people. A real shame...but it happens. 

This is interesting, and given me a lot to think about. It's true that sometimes you DO get an apology, but then the person just regresses back to the same old behaviour. Have read a few accounts of people getting what appears to be a heartfelt apology, only to be hurt again. That's happened to me, too. And sometimes, someone saying "I'm sorry" doesn't cancel out what they did in the first instance, anyway.

[homecoming]

So grateful for this forum thread, I literally have no other outlet or anyone to talk to about this, so thank you everyone at LoveShack. 

It still hurts that my ex doesn't want to be with me, and that they don't care enough to see how I am, or whatever. I get it, people move on. I guess years of being rejected has just taken its toll on me. I know that life doesn't really work like this, but I just felt I had finally 'won' at something, that someone finally wanted me and reciprocated what I felt for them. Everything this person said to me suggested they felt the same, but their actions told me the opposite. They don't care about me and don't want me. Ah well.

 

[scooby-philly]

1 hour ago, homecoming said:

This is interesting, and given me a lot to think about. It's true that sometimes you DO get an apology, but then the person just regresses back to the same old behaviour. Have read a few accounts of people getting what appears to be a heartfelt apology, only to be hurt again. That's happened to me, too. And sometimes, someone saying "I'm sorry" doesn't cancel out what they did in the first instance, anyway.

With my last ex...who I was wrong to stay with past 7 months and eventually got my heart broken at 2 years, I remember telling her on two or three dozen occasions when we'd argue and she would either threaten abandonment or act really immature or selfish and end up apologizing....that apologies only count if they're accompanied by a change in subsequent behavior.  Otherwise its just social obligation. 

[homecoming]

14 minutes ago, scooby-philly said:

With my last ex...who I was wrong to stay with past 7 months and eventually got my heart broken at 2 years, I remember telling her on two or three dozen occasions when we'd argue and she would either threaten abandonment or act really immature or selfish and end up apologizing....that apologies only count if they're accompanied by a change in subsequent behavior.  Otherwise its just social obligation. 

Not sure if it's just me, but I've noticed recently that some people only apologise when it affects them... as in they don't want to be seen as the bad guy, or want to repair their own ego - "I apologised, so I'm a good person" type thing. And really, if someone is doing things that require them having to apologise all the time then perhaps they're just not worth it. Which is a hard lesson to learn in itself

[scooby-philly]

24 minutes ago, homecoming said:

Not sure if it's just me, but I've noticed recently that some people only apologise when it affects them... as in they don't want to be seen as the bad guy, or want to repair their own ego - "I apologised, so I'm a good person" type thing. And really, if someone is doing things that require them having to apologise all the time then perhaps they're just not worth it. Which is a hard lesson to learn in itself

Yeah - I mean, no one is perfect. There have certainly been times in my life when I've made a mistake - even purposefully - and refused to apologize. So, I am not free of this "sin" or without need to examine myself once in a while. But I think, to a certain extant, you are correct. Judging by your spelling of apologize with an S I take it you're not originally from America. UK or Canada perhaps? I say that because I don't know what society is like these days in other countries. But here in the US - yeah - there's an epidemic of selfishness. Now, we're all selfish at times. It's human nature. But I'm talking about systematic, unending selfishness. And it seems like with older people in this country it's an attitude of "this I who I am, f#ck you"...and with younger folks it's an attitude of "this is who I'm pretending to be....so f#uck you". Not to beat a horse to death, but as I said to you in my first response - we have to accept the fact that people can have a wide variety of mental or personality issues that lead to the same behavior. And as I mentioned with actually all 3 ltrs I've had, to a greater or lesser extent they have not been able to apologize. With my ex-fiancee from years ago there was a bit of self-righteousness in her so she could and did apologize on occasion, but as I look back I cannot say exactly where she stood on the spectrum because I buried a lot of my needs and wants just to keep the peace and didn't call her out on s***. Second ex was completely psycho (and I mean that w/o trying to bash the female gender. Other women who knew her also said it. A lot.) so there was never apologies for anything because nothing was ever her fault and/or she could do no wrong. But to me, my last ex was interesting as I look back in that as I explained, she had a childhood deprived of love and support and affection and had a mom who was a drama queen and a victim and the family was dysfunctional as hell and she carried a lot of shame with her. So while she did apologize for things a few times, most of the time she did not, simply because to do so would be to break the "good girl" persona she used to hide her shame, hide her low self-esteem, hide the hole in her soul. So...yeah. 

Just keep in mind - sometimes, good people or not so good people - don't apologize because they don't know how. Assuming from your post that you may be talking about a recent ex. If you are, the apology would probably not help much at this point. Even if it was sincere and really addressed the thing that needed an apology for, you have to realize that at this point you're probably not going to get one and so you have to use the anger, the sadness, and whatever else your're feeling as a catalyst to move forward. And trust me, it's not easy. Like you, I do not pretend to be perfect. I make mistakes every day and there have been inumerable things in my life, small to really really freaking huge, that I'm not proud of. But I try the best that I can, I work hard, I try to become a better version of myself over time, and when I f' up, most of the time, I take ownership of it (and apologize). The most recent ex completely broke my heart. Like even this morning 9+ months gone I woke up and laid in bed and had a few minutes of sadness, depression, tears, and feeling unworthy, thinking back to a situation or two in the last relationship and just praying really that I could find myself lovable and that someone else could one day too. But...then I remembered - f' her. And f' the critic in my head. So, yeah, be kind to yourself too!

[The Outlaw]

4 hours ago, homecoming said:

So grateful for this forum thread, I literally have no other outlet or anyone to talk to about this, so thank you everyone at LoveShack. 

It still hurts that my ex doesn't want to be with me, and that they don't care enough to see how I am, or whatever. I get it, people move on. I guess years of being rejected has just taken its toll on me. I know that life doesn't really work like this, but I just felt I had finally 'won' at something, that someone finally wanted me and reciprocated what I felt for them. Everything this person said to me suggested they felt the same, but their actions told me the opposite. They don't care about me and don't want me. Ah well.

 

More often than not we never get the closure we're looking for but I can relate as most people can. But let his actions speak for themselves. But my suggestion is to write a letter or even a text and tell him word for word how you feel but just don't send it. Say whatever you want. Get it off your chest. It won't make it go away but it may lessen it a bit because it may serve as some form of closure to you.