How are you coping today?

[chillii]

lt is amazing most defiantly.

l can suggest one thing for anyone struggling or needing closure or to work it through. Go buy a thick pad and write a letter to them. You won't send it but while writing this letter , probably over and over through 6 or 12 mths like l have, you find answers , it works itself through, you reach a somewhere and new understandings !  l've used up the whole pad , probably written it 15 times now , one even made it to the post office , but last minute l didn't put it in that slot. l've known l've needed to write even if it just goes in circles over and over and chops and changes in10 different directions.

l think l'm done now finally and ready to move on with my life. All sorts of answers and why for's and realizations have slowly come through as l've written, but the most important one that has just come through lately, is that it's finally just done. l can feel it.  And it feels as though it should be done and that we both should just move on now, it's just been too long , it's over and it's time. It was all something that happened in our lives for us both , but it didn't work out for many reasons and they've really, stopped mattering just exactly as to why. lt just was what it was and whichever way we slice it and explain it l don't think we could've fixed it anyway and it's been so long that almost none of it even matters anymore. l could've sent the letter, it wouldn't matter , she wouldn't mind ,she'd probably write back or we'd start talking again but l think now it's just time, time to just leave it all where it is and just get on with things.

Edited September 1, 2020 by chillii

[MeadowFlower]

Feeling a little bit anxious. 

[Fever of love]

Well well well. It's been a while droogs. Still some familiar faces in heartbreak hotel I see. 

[Datingdisabled]

When I was younger, I fell in love with an older man named KJ. I was at a BBQ with a few friends that he was at. We were eyeing eachother but I've never ever been the type to look for boyfriends and he just said hi to me. I left early and he connected with my friend who thought he was hot.

He drove her home and she called me and couldn't believe he wasn't into her. A few days later, I was on the Danforth with a mutual friend and he came to hang out with us. We exchanged numbers and he said he only connected with my friend because he wanted to connect with me and that was the start of a  friendship with benefits and on and off exclusive relationship. Mostly me because I wasn't really stable and I didn't want to live with him. I was too young at the time and I didn't need to be with him forever if that makes sense. I just enjoyed being around him. We want to basketball games, clubs, after hours, we had a lot of fun when the time dictated it. 

We didn't break up or say goodbye. I changed my number and moved away. A decade or so past and i returned to the city. I called his last job but he didn't work there. I don't know how to reach him or if I should. I'm glad I didn't before because I wasn't in a good place. 

I wonder if he is married or single or what his life has been like. I also wonder if I just want to reach out because my life hasn't been that great. His memory brings me a lot of comfort in the times when I don't have a connection. I think the fact I don't have a connection, just went through a rejection, that I'm using him as a coping mechanism and that I'll never attempt to reach out. 

[MeadowFlower]

Maybe it's too much to expect. 

[MeadowFlower]

Never get to know a guy and never like a guy. 

Edited September 7, 2020 by MeadowFlower

[Datingdisabled]

A bunch of people tried to bully me but it did not work. Infact, they may believe they are looking at me like I'm an idiot but I'm looking at them like they are. Having said that, some advice on this forum has helped me process a situation that I was allowing to beat myself down with because I would have been suffering with it in my own mind, no matter what was happening. 

Today, I feel like I turned a corner. A lot happened to me. I was in bed for the final long weekend of the summer in excruciating pain caused by wear and tear in my spine, and the inflammation as well as a pinched nerve which affected my entire right arm, made me feel paralyzed. By the end of the weekend, my mind was full of energy and racing but I couldn't physically move. 

I had my house painted and I absolutely love it. I have new furniture out in the garage that I'll be moving in today.

Under normal circumstances, I'd start my contract today but I'm going to start it on Monday because I don't want to end up back to where I was this weekend. 

When I'm on this forum and I'm writing, then in the back of my mind, I picture this guys girlfriend who is probably more intelligent then I am and speaking more sensual and not as much. I have not stopped talking since February. 

I get that there was no relationship here and why it was damaged. There was nothing I could have done differently because I was not capable. I was not capable to be anything other then what I was and I forgive myself for that. Unfortunately, this guy did help me in many ways and he did more for me then most people. He helped me get to a place where I am not but I need not read too much into that. I can not give him the same friendship and kindness in return. I can not be anything for this guy because it was an obsession and it was not healthy. It has to be left in the past and I will work on acceptance as well as looking at myself to a better future. I will go to the sports medicine clinic today and prepare to start my contract on Monday. I'm going to call the site manager in half an hour and go grab myself a coffee. 

 

[Datingdisabled]

I don't know how to be any kinder. I accepted the guy moved on. I have clearly stated I'm going to date after a few months of health. I have no desire to contact him or anyone again. I will leave this on a final note *online, you can insult me, you can walk by me when I'm mowing my lawn and make fun of me to your circle, you can trash talk me behind my back and on the phone, you can drive by to get a look at me, but don't show up at my work and don't mess around with my business, no one wants to come to site and do this, no one wants to pretend to be a taper and show up at any site I'm on, you don't want to* 

[MeadowFlower]

Annoyed, a bit sad, impatient. 

[Datingdisabled]

Things always happen for a reason. I had a contract lined up before my back went out and I pinched a nerve. The door frames held up the project as well as other reasons that slowed down the job so my contract doesn't start for another week maybe week and a half. Once I start, it's on going through the winter. It gives me time to work on my health. I also have to find guys and that's another challenge. Easier now that the government's not handing out 2 grand to sit at home. 

I have been fortunate enough to be at the bottom. It was a learning experience for me because I will warn you all, when you're up, there will be no shortage of people! I'll tell you now that when you are doing as well as I am going to, there will be no shortage of people and I have learned the types of people worth your time. 

I don't regret my mini retirement but it's about to end now! Time to get back to work. 

[Cora]

So tonight I contacted an old friend I hadn’t spoken to in about 10 years.  We dated briefly in the past, but quickly found we weren’t compatible.  We remained friends for several years after before losing touch.  Not sure why he popped into my mind after all these years, but figured I’d reach out to see how he was doing and how his family was.  I wasn’t even sure if his number was the same.

Well turns out he did have the same number and he knew exactly who I was.  It was good catching up with him.  He just got married last year.  I congratulated him of course, but this hit me hard for some reason....made me a bit sad.  Not because I wanted to be with him.  Any romantic feelings I had ever had for him had long faded.  It more so made me take a long look at my life....really put things into perspective.  Made me sad that I didn’t have anyone to share my life with.  I’m at the age now where most of my friends are married with families of their own.  Sometimes I just think it would be nice to have someone.  On the other hand I’m grateful for the journey I’ve gone through.  I’ve done a lot to better myself and I’m still very much a work in progress. I know that the timing just hasn’t been right and maybe one day it will be or maybe it won’t.  And that will be ok too. 

Funny how just catching up with an old friend can bring about all these thoughts and feelings.... 

[MeadowFlower]

Hi @Cora 👋🏻, it's been awhile since we've chatted. 

[Datingdisabled]

11 hours ago, Cora said:

So tonight I contacted an old friend I hadn’t spoken to in about 10 years.  We dated briefly in the past, but quickly found we weren’t compatible.  We remained friends for several years after before losing touch.  Not sure why he popped into my mind after all these years, but figured I’d reach out to see how he was doing and how his family was.  I wasn’t even sure if his number was the same.

Well turns out he did have the same number and he knew exactly who I was.  It was good catching up with him.  He just got married last year.  I congratulated him of course, but this hit me hard for some reason....made me a bit sad.  Not because I wanted to be with him.  Any romantic feelings I had ever had for him had long faded.  It more so made me take a long look at my life....really put things into perspective.  Made me sad that I didn’t have anyone to share my life with.  I’m at the age now where most of my friends are married with families of their own.  Sometimes I just think it would be nice to have someone.  On the other hand I’m grateful for the journey I’ve gone through.  I’ve done a lot to better myself and I’m still very much a work in progress. I know that the timing just hasn’t been right and maybe one day it will be or maybe it won’t.  And that will be ok too. 

Funny how just catching up with an old friend can bring about all these thoughts and feelings.... 

Marriage, an actual wedding is just a party and a piece of paper. I would love to be in love with someone, really desire someone, them desire me and be in a relationship with that person. It would be difficult if you are in a situation of unrequited love, without that and they have that. I'm sure it would hit anybody the same. I'm sure anyone in that situation would feel a sense of inadequacy, jealousy, and disappointment. Even just a slight envy but it doesn't mean it isn't going to happen. The Bible does speak about chains of love and there is Karma. When I look back at my life, I was not someone who was gonna end up with that life. It's more obvious now and all this past month's have done is put my gut instincts into a clear understanding. I'm going, for me, to meet with a paster's wife at 2 and I'm gonna ask for God's help in removing the chains that are holding me down. I'm aware now that I will find love in the future but I don't even want it right now. I don't even want to get dressed and do my hair and go out on a date and I don't want the kind of man I would attract now either. I'm looking forward to the next several months single

[Cora]

17 hours ago, MeadowFlower said:

Hi @Cora 👋🏻, it's been awhile since we've chatted. 

Hey!  Yeah I couldn’t get back in for awhile and had to reset my password.  How have you been? 

[Beachead]

@Cora

Long time Cora.  

On 9/15/2020 at 10:35 PM, Cora said:

It was good catching up with him.  He just got married last year.  I congratulated him of course, but this hit me hard for some reason....made me a bit sad.

You're not alone with that.  I'm at that age too.  Year after year old friends and family members have been getting engaged, marrying off, having children.    Seeing such things just dials the volume up on feelings that are already there that I simply keep quiet.    I feel many ways about it.  Happy for them, sad for myself.  Resentful of their happiness.  Angry that things didn't come to fruition for me.  Sometimes, the whole thing even makes me want to jump back into dating or seek out an old ex.   ..and specifically to me, once its all out of my system, and I've wrestled with it for awhile, I always come to the same conclusion, that I'm not ready for anything with anyone anyway, and likely won't be for a long time.  That being on my own right now, is what I need for myself.

 

 

Edited September 17, 2020 by Beachead

[MeadowFlower]

On 9/17/2020 at 2:03 PM, Cora said:

Hey!  Yeah I couldn’t get back in for awhile and had to reset my password.  How have you been? 

I'll pm you. 

[Datingdisabled]

There is nothing funny about it taking seven years to figure out this was so I would move on. There were times where I wanted to reconnect with him in better shape but people were involved and I wasn't given the time and I did need a lot of time to find my foot. I started to resent anyone involved but not now. I accept this guy never wanted me and if people find that funny then that's their problem and not my concern. The fact so many people have involved themselves in my love life is questionable but this could also have been people just getting me to leave the poor guy alone and it may never have been about me. I accept today moving on that this man's happy and has a right for me not to contact him anymore and I won't. To sit there and actuy believe I'm a joke does make other people indeed the joke. I've pulled my work together for the winter and despite my accute pain, I'm back in the gym. I'm a very fit person and can pick up fitness twice as fast as anyone I know. No one on this planet is without any gifts or talent. I asked for all of this so I don't wish them ill or anything negative. I'm not taking anything anyone wrote to me to heart. I still do okay and when I date, I will have earned my place in the dating scene.

[Cora]

@Beachead

Hey Beachead, good to see you around.  Yeah, it doesn’t get any easier with each passing year does it?  I’ll be 38 in November and this is definitely not how I envisioned my life.  While I am very happy for all my friends and loved ones, it certainly stings a little with each wedding invitation or baby announcement I get.  Always wondering when or if it will ever be my turn.  I lose a little more hope with every year that passes.  Dating has become monotonous for me and does not have the thrill or excitement it once did.  I no longer have the motivation to date anymore.  After awhile you just get tired I guess when you have the same outcome over and over.  All the while life is passing you by....or so it feels.  Deep down I know I’m not in a place or in the right mind frame to find someone.  I have a lot of work left to do on myself.  I know that, but then I’m also like damn....how did all these other people who are coupled up do it?  How are they in the right place to have a successful relationship?  How did things fall so perfectly in to place for them?  What did they do differently?  Why them and not me?  You know what I mean?  I know jealousy and envy aren’t a good look and I shouldn’t feel that way, but it’s hard sometimes... 

[Beachead]

On 9/18/2020 at 5:00 PM, Cora said:

@Beachead

Hey Beachead, good to see you around.  Yeah, it doesn’t get any easier with each passing year does it?  I’ll be 38 in November and this is definitely not how I envisioned my life.  While I am very happy for all my friends and loved ones, it certainly stings a little with each wedding invitation or baby announcement I get.  Always wondering when or if it will ever be my turn.  I lose a little more hope with every year that passes.  Dating has become monotonous for me and does not have the thrill or excitement it once did.  I no longer have the motivation to date anymore.  After awhile you just get tired I guess when you have the same outcome over and over.  All the while life is passing you by....or so it feels.  Deep down I know I’m not in a place or in the right mind frame to find someone.  I have a lot of work left to do on myself.  I know that, but then I’m also like damn....how did all these other people who are coupled up do it?  How are they in the right place to have a successful relationship?  How did things fall so perfectly in to place for them?  What did they do differently?  Why them and not me?  You know what I mean?  I know jealousy and envy aren’t a good look and I shouldn’t feel that way, but it’s hard sometimes... 

It is hard Cora.  

You try your best, things don't work out..yet everyone you know seemingly succeeds and seem all too happy to rub it in.

It isn't really your fault..since it isn't all up to you to ensure your relationships succeed.  It's up to the other person as well..and that is where things largely go wrong for us.  Because although you could work on yourself and become the best you you could be with all your affairs in order, can you really account for the other person?  You don't control over the baggage they bring into the relationship, that you had nothing to do with, but still ultimately affects their commitment to you and the outcome of the relationship; their upbringing and their trauma and how it translates into how they think or feel and perceive their world and their life and you.  It just means, you could possibly have been a great girlfriend and it might have very little meaning if they are a mess inside..because nobody can fix that but them.  

And it takes time and energy and adversity together, to peel back the layers of that person....and sometimes what's revealed is someone who is horrible or even worse, incompatibility...and now you're deep into the whole thing, having to let go, with every subsequent situation that doesn't work out taking a little something out of you.

It's easy to see then, how we ended up sailing in this boat, going through what we're going through and why you feel how you do.  The process demands tremendous effort, while still involving a leap of faith and a fair bit of luck, because of uncontrollable external variables you'll have to contend with, that impact the outcome of things.  If it doesn't work out, you're left to mourn what you put into it, and forced into a position where you must make that loss, mean something to your life.  Yet, you can never be fully prepared for the next guy. The only thing you can do  is to make sure your mental-health and your life is in order, so that you will be as ready as you can be, if that guy shows up in your life and seems like he's worth it.   And then you hope for the best.

So yes..ofcourse you feel as you do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2020 by Beachead

[Datingdisabled]

Everyone who did this to me, first of all, were they any better behind the screen? I read "wish I was done now" and you could have been but chose to do this. It would take more then these kind of people to humiliate me and make me change. I was always fine with the initial rejection and my gut was never wrong. 

It'll take me time to heal now and find myself again but I don't feel like I should have done anything different to change the outcome of our friendship. I feel like I should have changed the outcome of my life and did things differently. 

I don't think anyone has the ability in this to make me feel bad about myself. I really don't think you're any better. I think of anyone were in a situation if an obsession or unrequited love, this would hurt anyone. You don't cut someone til they bleed out and stop liking someone.

When he's celebrating his three year anniversary or on vacations or purposing and having romantic evenings, was it worth calling me insignificant.

I'm looking into why I allowed myself to stay in this obsession for so long and to allow someone else to shatter my self esteem so bad. 

I'm allowed to write about my progress and it not be about him. It did become a fairy tale only I am the frog and they live happily ever after but why was there a story after I was arrested? That's the true question. I didn't ask for this to come so close to my life but this is how he wanted to end this. It's ended. It's over. I don't have hard feelings 

[Datingdisabled]

Everyone who did this to me, first of all, were they any better behind the screen? I read "wish I was done now" and you could have been but chose to do this. It would take more then these kind of people to humiliate me and make me change. I was always fine with the initial rejection and my gut was never wrong. 

It'll take me time to heal now and find myself again but I don't feel like I should have done anything different to change the outcome of our friendship. I feel like I should have changed the outcome of my life and did things differently. 

I don't think anyone has the ability in this to make me feel bad about myself. I really don't think you're any better. I think of anyone were in a situation if an obsession or unrequited love, this would hurt anyone. You don't cut someone til they bleed out and stop liking someone.

When he's celebrating his three year anniversary or on vacations or purposing and having romantic evenings, was it worth calling me insignificant.

I'm looking into why I allowed myself to stay in this obsession for so long and to allow someone else to shatter my self esteem so bad. 

I'm allowed to write about my progress and it not be about him. It did become a fairy tale only I am the frog and they live happily ever after but why was there a story after I was arrested? That's the true question. I didn't ask for this to come so close to my life but this is how he wanted to end this. It's ended. It's over. I don't have hard feelings 

[Cora]

On 9/21/2020 at 8:28 AM, Beachead said:

It is hard Cora.  

You try your best, things don't work out..yet everyone you know seemingly succeeds and seem all too happy to rub it in.

It isn't really your fault..since it isn't all up to you to ensure your relationships succeed.  It's up to the other person as well..and that is where things largely go wrong for us.  Because although you could work on yourself and become the best you you could be with all your affairs in order, can you really account for the other person?  You don't control over the baggage they bring into the relationship, that you had nothing to do with, but still ultimately affects their commitment to you and the outcome of the relationship; their upbringing and their trauma and how it translates into how they think or feel and perceive their world and their life and you.  It just means, you could possibly have been a great girlfriend and it might have very little meaning if they are a mess inside..because nobody can fix that but them.  

And it takes time and energy and adversity together, to peel back the layers of that person....and sometimes what's revealed is someone who is horrible or even worse, incompatibility...and now you're deep into the whole thing, having to let go, with every subsequent situation that doesn't work out taking a little something out of you.

It's easy to see then, how we ended up sailing in this boat, going through what we're going through and why you feel how you do.  The process demands tremendous effort, while still involving a leap of faith and a fair bit of luck, because of uncontrollable external variables you'll have to contend with, that impact the outcome of things.  If it doesn't work out, you're left to mourn what you put into it, and forced into a position where you must make that loss, mean something to your life.  Yet, you can never be fully prepared for the next guy. The only thing you can do  is to make sure your mental-health and your life is in order, so that you will be as ready as you can be, if that guy shows up in your life and seems like he's worth it.   And then you hope for the best.

So yes..ofcourse you feel as you do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for that.  At the very least it’s nice to know others can relate.  It definitely gets exhausting trying time and time again only to fail.  When it comes to love I have always felt like an outsider looking in.  It has always  been something that was attainable for others....just not for me...

[Datingdisabled]

Some still don't get it, but I'll do my best to explain it. Life isn't that difficult but when you are experience heart break then it is difficult. Everything becomes that much harder and it has nothing to do with luck! 

[Alamo657]

Currently experiencing the aftermath of a breakup with a non-commital woman. Feeling down and depressed as soon as I'm home alone.

She ghosted me 2 months ago , saying she needed space.

Yesterday she wanted to "talk" about it. I ignored her because I don't need to hear that we are done, since we didn't see each other for months now, so I already know, and her communication skills are so abysmal in such situation that she pretty much lost my trust and attention.

Still, that stings, I was very attached to her.

Gotta move on even more than I already did I guess.

[Beachead]

@Cora

On 9/23/2020 at 6:36 PM, Cora said:

When it comes to love I have always felt like an outsider looking in.  

You're understood.  Matter of fact, I've used the same phrase to describe my own relationship life in the past.

Edited September 28, 2020 by Beachead