Is it wrong to not tell him I'm seeing someone else?

[Lbj1998]

Ok hi I'm new here. I'm a guy the OM. To a guy who is in a longterm relationship with a woman. They've been together a long time. I am not interested in breaking them up. He has a romantic relationship he loves her. We just basically have a sexual relationship. Thats what it is now. I mean like I know I will never marry him. I like him but it wouldn't be anymore than just maybe as a boyfriend. Well I feel like we've texted earlier last week and then stopped. He stopped talking to me. I have been texting nonstop for two weeks basically a woman I'm really really fond of. I have had a crush on her since middle school and the feelings just got stronger. I feel like as the OM I'm just side action so I still feel like I'm single. It's more my own business if I chose to go out with someone else. So what do you think? I mean am I basically cheating when he isn't much in my life? Or should I tell him I started seeing someone else? I Kean he has his woman why can't I have mine? Of course if things got serious with her I wouldn't even give him the time of day. I don't split my attention to someone I'm not in a relationship with. Advice?

[todreaminblue]

the fact that you are asking should i tell...normally to me means yes you should tell.......always listen to the part of you that wants you to be honest...honesty...is never wrong..how you deliver that honesty....is more important...deb

[elaine567]

If he is not talking to you any more then you are perfectly entitled to speak to and see whoever you like.

 

If this is his normal i.e. he he cuts off communication sometimes, but you are still in the "relationship", then he probably needs to know.

I think you would probably want to know if he started seeing someone else too.

[Lbj1998]

the fact that you are asking should i tell...normally to me means yes you should tell.......always listen to the part of you that wants you to be honest...honesty...is never wrong..how you deliver that honesty....is more important...deb

 

I guess I am tired of trying to talk to him when he's clearly ignoring me yet again. I don't want to seem like I want his attention. I really don't. Guess I don't want to look desperate

 

I really genuinely feel like maybe trying something new might be good for once. And not continue this on and off relationship.

[todreaminblue]

I guess I am tired of trying to talk to him when he's clearly ignoring me yet again. I don't want to seem like I want his attention. I really don't. Guess I don't want to look desperate

 

I really genuinely feel like maybe trying something new might be good for once. And not continue this on and off relationship.

 

on and off relationships are hard going......new normally comes along to break that connection.....there's a reason for everything.....break the connection...and do the new......with honesty and respect even though the old might not respect you back...you can move on with hope anew and the peace that you know you did the right thing ....positivity will stay with you as you go somewhere you havent been and you can look forward to that...not backwards with regret...be honest...be respectful...thats the very best you can do..............good luck...deb

[Lbj1998]

If he is not talking to you any more then you are perfectly entitled to speak to and see whoever you like.

 

If this is his normal i.e. he he cuts off communication sometimes, but you are still in the "relationship", then he probably needs to know.

I think you would probably want to know if he started seeing someone else too.

 

He's done this often. At least 11 times in the last 10 months. Where he stops talking to me for a days sometimes its weeks.

 

I would have not really now. I wouldn't mind having sex with him even now. I guess but if he were into some other guy or girl that would be his own business. I don't care that he has his woman. Its never going to be a monogamous relationship with just him and I so I don't really care who else he is seeing.

 

I liked him more in the beginning of this affair. But I'm getting tired of getting played.

[elaine567]

I really genuinely feel like maybe trying something new might be good for once. And not continue this on and off relationship.

 

I agree.

Push/pull is awful and you will end getting more and more hurt as such relationships tend to become addictive, the highs are so high and the lows so low. YOU already know it is going nowhere, best to end it and put your all into someone new.

[elaine567]

He's done this often. At least 11 times in the last 10 months. Where he stops talking to me for a days sometimes its weeks.

It is very common behaviour in relationships where there is a SO and an OW/OM. It is a guilt and power thing.

[Lbj1998]

on and off relationships are hard going......new normally comes along to break that connection.....there's a reason for everything.....break the connection...and do the new......with honesty and respect even though the old might not respect you back...you can move on with hope anew and the peace that you know you did the right thing ....positivity will stay with you as you go somewhere you havent been and you can look forward to that...not backwards with regret...be honest...be respectful...thats the very best you can do..............good luck...deb

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

Yeah I kind of agree on just letting him know where I'm at at this point can't hurt.

[Lbj1998]

I agree.

Push/pull is awful and you will end getting more and more hurt as such relationships tend to become addictive, the highs are so high and the lows so low. YOU already know it is going nowhere, best to end it and put your all into someone new.

 

There are too many lows in this situation. At best I could at least have the freedom of being single when he ignores me. When I feel he's not there. You know if its not him at least I'd have someone if I were to continue. But seriously right now I'm just into getting to know her. I mean IMO there's more of a chance it could go somewhere more than this.

[whichwayisup]

He isn't making you a priority at all, in fact he ignores you many of times so that's not even respectful or even a friendship. it's about sex and that's it.

 

End it with him and focus on your new lady. You owe him nothing but please, don't stay involved with him and continue to date this woman you like.

[Lbj1998]

It is very common behaviour in relationships where there is a SO and an OW/OM. It is a guilt and power thing.

 

He has guilt issues I think with his own preference. He's religious so yeah. But he completely ignores me as if I am not there if I text him no matter what I say he doesn't respond. And I'm not talking about the sexual side of our relationship. He just acts like I dont exist. Until he wants to get intimate. Mostly I think what makes this problematic is because I didn't just have sexual feelings for him. Which is why I feel its generally an unhealthy relationship.

[central]

You're clearly not exclusive, so I don't think you need to tell him anything unless you want to. Has he told his wife that he's seeing you? Let the answer to that be the answer to your question.

 

 

Now, this woman you want to see - she may have more of a right to know eventually, if you continue seeing this guy. Until you are exclusive (either implicitly or explicitly), she has no right to know - but, it's up to you if you want to tell her or not prior to that point. Be aware that telling her may drive her away, so you may want to think about what your priorities are here, before saying or doing anything.

[Lbj1998]

He isn't making you a priority at all, in fact he ignores you many of times so that's not even respectful or even a friendship. it's about sex and that's it.

 

End it with him and focus on your new lady. You owe him nothing but please, don't stay involved with him and continue to date this woman you like.

 

Yeah well I've never cheated on anyone before I wouldn't do it now with someone who I'm basically side action to.

 

I feel kind of like he gives me the opportunity to move on I should take it.

[Lbj1998]

You're clearly not exclusive, so I don't think you need to tell him anything unless you want to. Has he told his wife that he's seeing you? Let the answer to that be the answer to your question.

 

 

Now, this woman you want to see - she may have more of a right to know eventually, if you continue seeing this guy. Until you are exclusive (either implicitly or explicitly), she has no right to know - but, it's up to you if you want to tell her or not prior to that point. Be aware that telling her may drive her away, so you may want to think about what your priorities are here, before saying or doing anything.

 

Well yeah she doesn't know about me.

 

I haven't told her I just have said I got out of a complicated relationship and thats it and she's been fine with it. My priorities clearly to me are jus getting to know the girl I'm going to be going out with this weekend thats what I really care about tbh.

[aileD]

You admitted and seem to know you're just side action to him.

 

You need to make the mental decision for yourself...sounds like you have. You owe him nothing . He's ignoring you now anyway right? I would just move on with your life and when he comes slithering back, THEN let him know you're seeing someone else.

 

Not to mention the fact that you're sleeping with someone else's husband. It's dishonest and hurtful to his wife. Why would you stay in something like that when you could be with a single person?

[Jersey born raised]

Sorry, but the gender confusion has thrown me from the start. I really don't care about the gender if you want to just go with

 

Hi, I am person A, who is in a FWB relationship B with is in a long term relationahip with person C. That's fine. So...Person A is screwing over person C. Person A is allowing person C to live a painful lie that will devastate them when they discover it AND is preventing them from moving on an experiencing a real relationship. So basically got a two for one going on.

 

At this point spend sometime reading threads on the infidelity board, read some threads on this board, read some on the reconcilation board, read some on the divorce boards and then come back and repost.

 

Am I being unfair? What information have you shared that would cause me to advise other wise? Have I backed you in into a corner? Yes, I have read some threads that are forty and fifty pages and think, I wish on page fifty they had shared that on page one.

[Jersey born raised]

By the way if this has a bi-sexual relationship or same sex relationship all around the mods are very hard noised about this boards policy and are quick to delete threads, and warn or ban people. I figure there is a 40% chance my last post will be deleted and myself warned or banned. So why did I posted?

 

Frustration, a overwhelming need sometimes for honesty. So we can have a real conversation. Or maybe I just 61 and getting cranky.

 

Be Well

[Lbj1998]

You admitted and seem to know you're just side action to him.

 

You need to make the mental decision for yourself...sounds like you have. You owe him nothing . He's ignoring you now anyway right? I would just move on with your life and when he comes slithering back, THEN let him know you're seeing someone else.

 

Not to mention the fact that you're sleeping with someone else's husband. It's dishonest and hurtful to his wife. Why would you stay in something like that when you could be with a single person?

 

Yea I feel like I don't want to give anymore time its wasting my time. And I generally feel like I'm at a dead end with this relationship. While I feel like I really could have a serious relationship with her. Ive been with mm and he wasn't married to her I thought I could change his mind I was 16 so yeah... He said he wasn't sure he'd do it so yeah...

[Lbj1998]

Sorry, but the gender confusion has thrown me from the start. I really don't care about the gender if you want to just go with

 

Hi, I am person A, who is in a FWB relationship B with is in a long term relationahip with person C. That's fine. So...Person A is screwing over person C. Person A is allowing person C to live a painful lie that will devastate them when they discover it AND is preventing them from moving on an experiencing a real relationship. So basically got a two for one going on.

 

At this point spend sometime reading threads on the infidelity board, read some threads on this board, read some on the reconcilation board, read some on the divorce boards and then come back and repost.

 

Am I being unfair? What information have you shared that would cause me to advise other wise? Have I backed you in into a corner? Yes, I have read some threads that are forty and fifty pages and think, I wish on page fifty they had shared that on page one.

 

Ehh some people see it that way. Mm's younger brother kept urging me to stop seeing him. I didn't force him into this anymore than he did me. So I don't feel any commitment to his woman. I am done with the relationship as clearly lost interest. So I'm done either way. My friend actually asked me about it this morning. I told her I've been texting this girl she knows ive been interested in for years and tat our relationship was over. Maybe it'll get back to him. Who knows. I'm looking forward to this weekend though. And sorry if you were confused.

[Lbj1998]

By the way if this has a bi-sexual relationship or same sex relationship all around the mods are very hard noised about this boards policy and are quick to delete threads, and warn or ban people. I figure there is a 40% chance my last post will be deleted and myself warned or banned. So why did I posted?

 

Frustration, a overwhelming need sometimes for honesty. So we can have a real conversation. Or maybe I just 61 and getting cranky.

 

Be Well

 

I wasn't offended I don't really care. But I guess thats up to the mods.

[Lbj1998]

My boyfriend called back yesterday I told him I didnt want to keep doing this on and off half relationship with him and that I found someone new so he couldove on now. So we're officially done.