How do we know we want them back for real?

[February Girl]

How do we know whether we want an ex back because we really want to be with them again or merely because we haven't found somebody better?

 

Thanks...

[February Girl]

How do we know whether we want an ex back because we really want to be with them again or merely because we haven't found somebody better?

 

Thought I should elaborate and add some backstory.

 

I left someone, N, after 3 months of being together because I felt bored with him. But I did love him. He was a near-perfect boyfriend, but I didn't appreciate him and craved for some bad boy.

 

When I found that bad boy, I left N. But he didn't know this was the reason as I told him our relationship had just run its course. Naturally, I got hurt by the bad boy after only 3 weeks and spent a good one month mending my broken heart.

 

Then I started dating my good friend J, who is a good, nerdy guy, but I'm not bored with him because he intellectually stimulates me and he's funny. But something is lacking - the lust and attraction is not that high on my part. So I told him I don't want to move too fast.

 

Now I regret breaking up with the nearly-perfect boyfriend, N, and I want him back. I'm thinking maybe my boredom of him had to do with my ungratefulness and greed instead of our lack of compatibility.

 

Before I make a move to try to win N back, I need to be sure I truly want him for the right reason, hence my question in the first post. As for my good friend J, he could be right for me because we are intellectually compatible but if he is, why do I think of N back?

 

I'd appreciate some insights. Thanks...

[basil67]

You were bored with N because he didn't intellectually stimulate you and didn't share your sense of humor like J.

 

My bet is that you are lonely and not really missing N.

[sc98cbra]

This is typical GIGS syndrome. I hate to be so harsh, but it sounds as if you are the common denominator (the issue). You sound naive, inexperienced, and young.

 

 

You would know if you really wanted to get back with "N." Additionally, given that you pulled the plug on the relationship with N, you are in the position to reconcile with N. However, you shouldn't do so unless you are 100% certain that it is what you want.

[SerPundnes]

Thought I should elaborate and add some backstory.

 

I left someone, N, after 3 months of being together because I felt bored with him. But I did love him. He was a near-perfect boyfriend, but I didn't appreciate him and craved for some bad boy.

 

When I found that bad boy, I left N. But he didn't know this was the reason as I told him our relationship had just run its course. Naturally, I got hurt by the bad boy after only 3 weeks and spent a good one month mending my broken heart.

 

Then I started dating my good friend J, who is a good, nerdy guy, but I'm not bored with him because he intellectually stimulates me and he's funny. But something is lacking - the lust and attraction is not that high on my part. So I told him I don't want to move too fast.

 

Now I regret breaking up with the nearly-perfect boyfriend, N, and I want him back. I'm thinking maybe my boredom of him had to do with my ungratefulness and greed instead of our lack of compatibility.

 

Before I make a move to try to win N back, I need to be sure I truly want him for the right reason, hence my question in the first post. As for my good friend J, he could be right for me because we are intellectually compatible but if he is, why do I think of N back?

 

I'd appreciate some insights. Thanks...

 

Well, how long has it been since you dumped N ?

[nobodyIam]

You should go with neither of them.

 

In fact,you should be single for some time and sort yourself out.

[February Girl]

Well, how long has it been since you dumped N ?

 

It has been 2 months.

[February Girl]

You should go with neither of them.

 

In fact,you should be single for some time and sort yourself out.

 

I tried that.. but I couldn't go through with it for long. basil67 was right; I got lonely. I live alone; my friends are far away or attached. I made some new friends but I'm detached because they are not the same as my old friends. I only have J now.

[February Girl]

This is typical GIGS syndrome. I hate to be so harsh, but it sounds as if you are the common denominator (the issue). You sound naive, inexperienced, and young.

 

 

You would know if you really wanted to get back with "N." Additionally, given that you pulled the plug on the relationship with N, you are in the position to reconcile with N. However, you shouldn't do so unless you are 100% certain that it is what you want.

 

I just googled what GIGS is; yup, sounds like me. But I'm not that young actually. I'm 28. But I AM a late bloomer. My first relationship was when I was 22. Maybe that's why I have this GIG syndrome; I always believed there was someone better. But now I'm afraid if I let J go, I won't find anyone anymore because I had given up too many people already, including N.

[whatdeww18]

I just googled what GIGS is; yup, sounds like me. But I'm not that young actually. I'm 28. But I AM a late bloomer. My first relationship was when I was 22. Maybe that's why I have this GIG syndrome; I always believed there was someone better. But now I'm afraid if I let J go, I won't find anyone anymore because I had given up too many people already, including N.

 

I don't think it's really GIGS in the sense it's used here on Loveshack. It's more from the case where it was a viable, long-term relationship where further commitment usually drives the girl to begin to get attached to the single life more than a committed relationship.

 

What I'm seeing is you just not being sure of what you'd like and easily tossing men around, with the excuse of something not being there. This is why in a real GIGS case, they eventually see that long-term relationship, they just left, just needed to continue to be watered. They see their mistake and go back.

 

You have traits of being a serial dater, searching for the infamous spark and as it dies, you see the faults of the person and bail. I would say, yes, it can be GIGS in it's most general sense of you thinking there is someone better. I would say it mostly stems from you searching for this everlasting spark/infatuation that will fade away, which leaves you seeing the faults and thinking there will be someone without this happening.

 

I would say you're age is scaring you into thinking you won't find someone suitable. What is the longest you have been single? How long have you been single recently?

 

This is just my opinion, and I apologize ahead of time if I offend in any way. I am trying to provide a perspective in hopes of you maybe realizing something.

 

Sincerely,

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited February 27, 2017 by whatdeww18

[Jimmyjackson]

How do we know whether we want an ex back because we really want to be with them again or merely because we haven't found somebody better?

 

Thanks...

 

When you don't feel the need to ask this question.

[February Girl]

 

You have traits of being a serial dater, searching for the infamous spark and as it dies, you see the faults of the person and bail. I would say, yes, it can be GIGS in it's most general sense of you thinking there is someone better. I would say it mostly stems from you searching for this everlasting spark/infatuation that will fade away, which leaves you seeing the faults and thinking there will be someone without this happening.

 

I would say you're age is scaring you into thinking you won't find someone suitable. What is the longest you have been single? How long have you been single recently?

 

 

I've called myself a serial dater before, so I guess I could agree with you. Maybe I was trying to redeem those years in high school and early college years when I had no one to date while everybody else was dating.

 

Yeah, maybe I'm desperate because of my age (plus, almost everyone around me has someone to love). But I do believe I won't be so lucky in the future because how many more great guys can there be for me alone, right? So while there is still someone who likes me, why not grab the opportunity, right?

 

So I kinda feel J and N are my last chances. While I haven't given my commitment to J, I could (maybe) rekindle with N. I just don't know who I should go for...

 

My most recent single period lasted for a month. But I had managed to be single for around a year, over 3 years ago.

[ReformedPUA]

Well February Girl I need to be blunt. I've read all your threads. If I were friends w N or J , then I would tell them to move on from you and find themselves someone better. Women who chase validation as you seem to, who just can't be alone, are the worst, especially if they cannot appreciate a good guy and have to go on chasing excitement w Bad Boys.

 

Basically you just can't be trusted to be in a relationship with. Your intense need for validation from others is a huge problem, and makes you too likely to stray.

Edited February 28, 2017 by ReformedPUA

[SevenCity]

I think you should go for T...a therapist.

 

And leave poor N the F alone.

[February Girl]

Well February Girl I need to be blunt. I've read all your threads. If I were friends w N or J , then I would tell them to move on from you and find themselves someone better. Women who chase validation as you seem to, who just can't be alone, are the worst, especially if they cannot appreciate a good guy and have to go on chasing excitement w Bad Boys.

 

Basically you just can't be trusted to be in a relationship with. Your intense need for validation from others is a huge problem, and makes you too likely to stray.

 

Hmm.. I'm not angry reading this. I've made my mistakes, I have. But I do plan to be loyal, you see.

[February Girl]

I think you should go for T...a therapist.

 

And leave poor N the F alone.

 

It's N and J.

Come on...why do you guys see me as a perpetrator?

And how's a therapist going to help me?

 

Okay so people don't think I deserve N because I left him for another guy. And you don't think I deserve J either because I'm thinking of my ex N while J is in front of me.

What about second chances? i.e. this forum. Why don't I deserve it too? I'm trying to correct a wrong, but I wanna choose the right guy.

Edited February 28, 2017 by February Girl

[whatdeww18]

I've called myself a serial dater before, so I guess I could agree with you. Maybe I was trying to redeem those years in high school and early college years when I had no one to date while everybody else was dating.

 

Yeah, maybe I'm desperate because of my age (plus, almost everyone around me has someone to love). But I do believe I won't be so lucky in the future because how many more great guys can there be for me alone, right? So while there is still someone who likes me, why not grab the opportunity, right?

 

So I kinda feel J and N are my last chances. While I haven't given my commitment to J, I could (maybe) rekindle with N. I just don't know who I should go for...

 

My most recent single period lasted for a month. But I had managed to be single for around a year, over 3 years ago.

 

With your first paragraph, then yes, I would have to agree. You only catch up with your high school and college years to get to say, "Yes, I have dated around a lot and gotten the experience." However, this is where I see what you mean by GIGS and wanting to just do all that. I'll touch upon this again a bit later.

 

Well, that's the thing about having friends. You will always have a group that is all single and just wanting to date around, generally a younger crowd. As the group of friends age, you have friends in loving relationships and possibly tying down. It almost seems like your mind is in the younger crowd while your friends are in the older crowd and the influence is evident.

 

What I'm confused with that second paragraph is... You broke up with both guys for a reason. Why do you call them great now? There are nice guys and liking you is always a plus. However, it is NOT for the RIGHT reasons to go back to someone just because they like you. You have to want to be with this person. The way you post sounds like you haven't really learned from your break ups during this time of dating/short period of singleness.

 

To further this, you think they are your last chances. That would most definitely not be the right reasons to go back. It will fail, most likely. You will get an itch again later, as you have not taken this time to figure out yourself/defining love/growing individually/learning the grass is greenest where you water it.

 

And to place the cherry on top, you haven't been single for much longer than a month in the past 3 years?! That is one crazy dating life. I would simply take a break from the dating scene. Just live your life, do things you enjoy, and eventually someone who will rock your socks off will come along. However, in the meantime, you work on yourself. Like stated before, you need to mature and grow from all you have learned to be in a place to truly love someone.

 

It's N and J.

Come on...why do you guys see me as a perpetrator?

And how's a therapist going to help me?

 

Okay so people don't think I deserve N because I left him for another guy. And you don't think I deserve J either because I'm thinking of my ex N while J is in front of me.

What about second chances? i.e. this forum. Why don't I deserve it too? I'm trying to correct a wrong, but I wanna choose the right guy.

 

To be honest, the way you are coming off is um.... egotistical at best? It really does sound like you are treating these guys as disposable toys that you are wondering whether you should pick back up or just toss it back. You may not think it, but the way your thinking comes across through your writing is leaning towards it.

 

For example, you are asking why YOU don't deserve a second chance. This comes after the fact you said you broke up with them, and you don't express anything you have learned that would make this second chance work. You wish to go back for the sole reason of them liking you. And with that, you're conflicted between two guys. Catch my drift?

 

The last sentence is what I'm happy to hear from you and it's evident in you not getting too offended by the replies. You can trust me, SevenCity is good at calling people out. He called you out at the right time.

 

So to summarize: You didn't sound like you were trying to correct a wrong before. With the newest post it does. I think you have a lot of work to do on yourself as an individual and what love/relationships really mean. The best way to do this is to be single and reflect on your life and past relationships. Finally, don't let your age scare you into thinking this needs to be rushed. Let yourself mature gracefully with that age into a proper adult who will truly love someone and be truly loved.

 

I really do hope you can take the criticism and advice given in this thread as a catalyst for you to really introspect and grow individually.

I'll be crossing my fingers for you

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited February 28, 2017 by whatdeww18

[ReformedPUA]

It's N and J.

Come on...why do you guys see me as a perpetrator?

And how's a therapist going to help me?

 

Okay so people don't think I deserve N because I left him for another guy. And you don't think I deserve J either because I'm thinking of my ex N while J is in front of me.

What about second chances? i.e. this forum. Why don't I deserve it too? I'm trying to correct a wrong, but I wanna choose the right guy.

 

I don't think you are evil per se.

I just think you are so needy for validation that you just can't be trusted. You'll end up hurting and using other people.

 

You don't really love N. You just want to get back w N because you can't stand being single and he checks all the boxes. If you got back w N, you may be happy for a month that you have *someone*. But who knows what the hell will happen when some other dude starts giving you attention. You may say now that you intend to be loyal, but going by past behaviour, you just can't seem to help yourself.

 

Oh, and no one *deserves* a second chance, instead second chances are *granted*, hopefully after being *earned*. You haven't done anything to earn a second chance.

Edited February 28, 2017 by ReformedPUA

[February Girl]

Gee, I think people here are harsh. They keep liking posts that are harsh on somebody.

One of the comments was right - I would know if I really want him when I don't feel the need to ask the question anymore.

I think I know now.

[Chilli]

Gee ,l wonder .

All l know is l hope he isn't stupid enough to take you back

[February Girl]

Gee ,l wonder .

All l know is l hope he isn't stupid enough to take you back

 

Really? Another harsh person. And I was stupid enough to think this forum provides support. Everybody here is a bully who gangs up on me. Thanks for nothing.

[elaine567]

When a person is caught in the middle of two potential love interests and where there needs to be a choice made and it is not glaringly obvious and it is a difficult one, then better to walk away from both.

if only A had a better job, if only B was better looking, if only A was funnier, if only B was kinder, if only A.... if only B...

It would actually often be best if you could mix up all their good points and make a new man.

 

Truth is neither is what you really want, both are lacking in reality, so go look for someone else..

[February Girl]

When a person is caught in the middle of two potential love interests and where there needs to be a choice made and it is not glaringly obvious and it is a difficult one, then better to walk away from both.

if only A had a better job, if only B was better looking, if only A was funnier, if only B was kinder, if only A.... if only B...

It would actually often be best if you could mix up all their good points and make a new man.

 

Truth is neither is what you really want, both are lacking in reality, so go look for someone else..

 

Thanks for putting it objectively. There should be more like you here. Okay, I'm digesting it...

[Sweetfish]

I don't think it's really GIGS in the sense it's used here on Loveshack. It's more from the case where it was a viable, long-term relationship where further commitment usually drives the girl to begin to get attached to the single life more than a committed relationship.

 

This is absolutely what I concur with.

 

This is a case of Super-ego, Ego, and Id in battle with each other.

 

 

You are torn between what is expected in your life and what feels right..but might be wrong.

 

I know I will get burn for this..but many young women are conflicted with this. That is why gigs is mostly focused on females and lightly focused on males.

 

They want to play with the bad boys for a while and later find a nice good ole boy to play father.

 

The other side of the coin is getting a bad boy who is a diamond in the rough and try to polish him to be a father figure.

 

Bad boys invoke a deep emotional switch in women.

Nice boys prove the most love and attention.

 

women will select the deep emotional switch over love and attention... this is why the term run away bride was coined. It wasn't an accident.

 

I left someone, N, after 3 months of being together because I felt bored with him. But I did love him. He was a near-perfect boyfriend, but I didn't appreciate him and craved for some bad boy.

 

When I found that bad boy, I left N. But he didn't know this was the reason as I told him our relationship had just run its course. Naturally, I got hurt by the bad boy after only 3 weeks and spent a good one month mending my broken heart.

 

Then I started dating my good friend J, who is a good, nerdy guy, but I'm not bored with him because he intellectually stimulates me and he's funny. But something is lacking - the lust and attraction is not that high on my part. So I told him I don't want to move too fast.

 

You are literally on the path of destroying two men's hearts with absolutely no regards to their well being...

 

Yeah, maybe I'm desperate because of my age (plus, almost everyone around me has someone to love). But I do believe I won't be so lucky in the future because how many more great guys can there be for me alone, right? So while there is still someone who likes me, why not grab the opportunity, right?

 

So I kinda feel J and N are my last chances. While I haven't given my commitment to J, I could (maybe) rekindle with N. I just don't know who I should go for...

 

If your getting into a relationship under distress...these relationships will fail. You will just be settling for what ever.. can you truly love someone you just settled for?

 

 

Feb you need to stop being sensitive and look at reality. These are not cars or dolls. These are people and you say the forum is harsh..but you come on a forum were a high percentage of the people are dumpees and you speak of the dumpees as if your test driving cars. Many of these men get into a relationship with you and start projecting a future and you crush it and leave for a "bad boy" - he burns you and you come back to expect that the same guy is going to piece back his shattered dream of a future with you?

 

The reason everyone hopes these guys don't come back to you is because you are literally saying your leasing the guys that are boring until something better comes along.

[Altair0770]

Honestly you should probably be single for a bit and learn yourself first. I don't think people are trying to be harsh or offensive here. I think it's more that a lot of people come here for support and advice and are reminded that no one is perfect when some people think they can find that perfect person.

 

It's quite simple. Who do you connect more with? Who can you see in a long term relationship that eventually leads to marriage? Who can keep the spark going in your life?

 

Again, not to be harsh, but you remind me of my ex, and likely all those people seeming "harsh" are reminded of their ex too. It seems N and J are putting in a lot of effort to make a relationship work but you just want the attention, and when the spark is gone or isn't there you bail thinking you can find something better. Hence why someone said you are treating them as disposable. It's a taker personality, and honestly, taker personalities don't make good relationships.

 

Let me ask, did you ever try to find invalid excuses for it not working out? Did you try to find fault in N after you broke up with him even when there isn't any?

 

It seem you're looking for what you can RECEIVE in a relationship rather than just give. I understand its a personality flaw, and a bad way of thinking that may not be in your control. But it appears N dodged a bullet when you broke up with him and hopefully J learns the truth.

 

A relationship isn't about what you receive. It's about what you can give to it. I don't know anything about your relationships besides the your brief explanations. But it sounds like N tried to make something work while you were judging him in the relationship.

 

Should you take him back? Only if you truly love him and are willing to also give him a good relationship and won't bail if he gets a bit boring. If not, leave him alone and let him find someone that will provide him a good relationship.

 

Besides, does he even want you back? If he's taken time to analyze the relationship, he likely isn't interested.

 

Again, not trying to be harsh. Trying to be informative and help. Sometimes that just requires being brutally honest. And my honest opinion is that you're a taker looking for a prince thinking you're the princess and not really interested in pulling your own weight in a relationship.