Its been.... *drumroll*... 2 years

[m4p]

Hello everyone.. it's been a long time.

 

Wow. 2 years since the A ended. More than a year since NC.

 

I am proud to say that as long as it did take to fall out of love with xMM, time happened. Healing did happened. *I* happened.

 

Daily thoughts of him turned to once every few days, then it became weeks.. then it became months.

 

I don't feel so much of a pang when I recall our relationship now. The indiscretions, the skulking, the grief we suffered after D-Day; it all seemed so petty and unnecessary right now. He broke NC a couple times sending me emails time to time which I deleted. Everything trailed off and has been quiet for the longest time.

 

I spent a lot of time thinking about everything. Not so much about obsessing over the details, but a lot of why and how did I live my life and made my choices? What led me to hurting her, him and myself? Why was I like that?

 

I was in IC for a bit. Counselling helped me try to understand what was the core reasons for my actions. I cannot change what I did or how I used to behave, but I can change how I live my life from now.

 

Of course, things will never be the same for me. It is sad to say that I have lost a part of me I cannot retrieve again. And there is a hardened cynicism that has formed part of the "new me".

 

It's amazing how your eyes open after you "wake up". How many MMs and MWs and OMs and OWs are around us. It's a huge trigger sometimes, when you observe and realise - OH, they are having an affair. I was them. It was so obvious. What would people had thought then? It's so... ugly.

 

Life after everything? I had my good and bad days. I had another MM try his tricks on me which left me hugely disgusted and badly triggered. Why did I fall for that last time?

 

Now, I am trying to build healthy relationships, to convince myself that I deserve 100% love- with my family, friends.. and maybe future husband. And that I can love someone back 100% too.

 

Honestly? I am happier than ever right now and I don't regret any single bit of the A ending. I can say this with every fiber of my being. And I certainly didn't thought this was possible 2 years ago, when I was a sniveling mess.

 

Lots of love, hope and good luck to everyone else out there Do the right thing and better things will come to you.

[freengreen]

Lessons learnt. Found yourself . I am glad for you , I am hoping to write the same soon * fingers firmly crossed*

[jennifernyc84]

*claping*

 

So so good to hear this. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

We will all make it out of this!