Codependent Spouse and her Kids

[Lovedawg]

I need some help in dealing with the relationship between my wife of 3 years and her adult children.

She's 49, her daughter is 24, her son 20. They have a relationship that has scary signs of emeshment or emotional incest, particularly with her son who I've often referred to as her "Husband Son".

Both of their presence in our new marriage has been disruptive, uncomfortable and something which I've begged and pleaded with my wife to create boundaries for.

As I've read about relationships like theirs, codependency is a better description as she has no desire to set or enforce any boundaries for them at all. Or she fears alienating them if she does.

The result has been that she is completely overwhelmed with assuming the most mundane tasks for them, doing so without thanks and at times being met with anger and contempt.

Her son is unable to form lasting relationships with anyone outside of his mother as is her daughter. They are both in troubled relationships and are constantly calling her for advice, which she seems pleased to give.

They share the most intimate details of their lives regarding sex, drugs, inner feelings about their absent father, etc.

My wife also shares similar details about or marriage, sex stories, her frustrations and fears, anger about something small I've done or didn't do.

 

As a result, their feelings for me have become those of outright hatred and my feeling for them have become those of fear. The fear that their complete domination of their mother would break our new marriage apart.

 

As this fear grew and my constant pleas for boundaries went unmet. my emotions turned into frustration and resulted in critical comments and sarcastic words, in the hopes she would see how much pain I was in and begin to change their relationship and make room for us.

 

Sadly, my words only drove her into their clutches and they moved her out of our move two weeks ago. She is now their fulltime servant.

 

I've already been to counseling in order to correct the man I've allowed myself to become and we have a joint counseling session this Friday.

 

Has anyone else been faced with a situation like this and dealt with it successfully?

Edited February 27, 2017 by Lovedawg

[BluEyeL]

I have to say that although your assessment of their relationship is that it's a dysfunctional one, and even if you are 100% right, it was a very bad idea for you to make negative comments about the kids, and speak about them sarcastically. It's always a bad idea to badmouth a mother's children. They will never choose you over them when you act like you're not on their side.

 

So the suggestion would be to apologize and commit to keep your mouth shut about the kids. That's the only way to reconcile. If you can't do that, then it's time to break up. Again, I'm not saying you're not right, but do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

[Mr. Lucky]

I need some help in dealing with the relationship between my wife of 3 years and her adult children.

 

Can't help but wonder why these issues weren't dealt with during courtship/engagement? Either you married too soon or chose to overlook some serious red flags...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

As a result, their feelings for me have become those of outright hatred and my feeling for them have become those of fear. The fear that their complete domination of their mother would break our new marriage apart.

 

As this fear grew and my constant pleas for boundaries went unmet. my emotions turned into frustration and resulted in critical comments and sarcastic words, in the hopes she would see how much pain I was in and begin to change their relationship and make room for us.

Sadly, my words only drove her into their clutches and they moved her out of our move two weeks ago.

 

I am not sure why you ever thought that that would work...

You turned yourself into an ogre and "the enemy", the only course of action was to remove their mother from YOUR critical and sarcastic clutches. You actually played right into their hands.

 

I'm with Mr Lucky, why on earth did you not see this coming before you got married?

[Lovedawg]

All very true comments and I appreciate them. Please though, I've never talked critically, negatively or sarcastically to them or about her kids. Just the opposite, I've always said her son is a good young man and that her daughter is very intelligent and going places in her life.

As I said, my frustration and fear turned into the sarcasm and criticism and I take full responsibility for my actions that indeed drove her away.

Again, I have sought counseling for this behavior and am developing the tools with which to express my feelings in a more loving and positive way.

 

Honestly, I thought that as they grew older and found their place in life that they would grow apart, still keeping in touch as children do but no relying so much on her.

They have all 3 agreed that there is a problem and have sought their own counseling for this.

 

My question related to those who have encountered this situation and successfully dealt with it.

[AnneP]

You seem to have an idea of what a healthy relationship should look like. Have you read the book Boundaries? There is also a Boundaries for adult children.

 

Your wife likely doesn't see how she's enmeshed with her children and how unhealthy this is for not only her children, but for your marriage.

[Lovedawg]

Yes, I've read the book and have suggested that she read it too. She's in denial about it though and becomes defensive when I broach the subject.

[amaysngrace]

So wait...you've often called her son her Husband Son but only spoke kind words about him to her face? Who did you make fun of their relationship to then?

 

Same with the daughter. Why would you only say nice things about her when inside you were seething with contempt?

 

That's beyond passive aggressive. You know that right?

 

As far as boundaries go you crossed the sacred one I'm afraid to say. I'd butt out of their business and find yourself a good lawyer.

[Mr. Lucky]

She's in denial about it though and becomes defensive when I broach the subject.

 

Were she posting here, I'd guess she'd get some pointed advice about putting her husband first. But she's not.

 

Your choices are limited. You can smile, bite your tongue, grind your teeth and stay married by keeping your thoughts about the family relationship to yourself.

 

Or you can bail, not hard to do if she's already moved out. The risk/reward calculation is up to you to make. Let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Sounds like your wife suffers from a common malady among parents these days... those who do everything for their children and have difficulty letting go. Unfortunately for the children, they are never taught the skills they need or given the opportunity to develop any independence or learn from their mistakes.

 

The family dynamics in this situation are extreme and I would say that it is unlikely to change unless all parties are committed to making a change. Is this the case?

 

I'm sad to say that I don't have any wise words of wisdom. I think you will have a difficult time of this and unfortunately, it's too late to go back and attend to the red flags now...

[todreaminblue]

hey....i have a close relationship with my daughters.....to the point they can talk to me about anything.....in fact they bring their troubled friends to me.....i would prefer they were truthful.....i cant make their decisions for them but i can offer my advice based on experience......and we are open.....i dont like what i hear sometimes and i let them know it.....but again its better than being oblivious......my girls were bullied at school and our open relationship allowed us to work through it.....honesty has a way of being the best policy.....

 

when i have been with a guy...dont know why but the guys i ha ve relationships with become auto head of house and my family see them as such.....mayeb its because i make them head of house......as much as i respect them they respect them...if they have misgivings what matters is my happiness to them......they fall in line...we work like that....and honesty adn compassion has always been the way we achieve it....

 

we have informal family counsels...often..i wan tto make some more formal ones to deal with household things........we counsel about other members of the family or problems....sometimes it comes from a text message even ......we need to talk about this or that or can you deal with this mum .....when i am with a guy he is naturally part of those counsels.....my family is a team ...messed up members and all everyone has a right to contribute or decide not to......fi a guy comes into my life he si a team member not a dictator who points out all our flaws and idiosyncracies and make judgement on codependency or whatever ...its condescending and judgmental...I personally wouldnt appreciate that kind of input.....my family depend on me.....i depend on them ...because we arent single units living together.....and when one is struggling we join hands and swim together....if a guy thinks we are too weird to swim with....i wouldnt ever marry him or be with him long term i would have figured that out while we were dating and not wasted his time or mine......and my children dont make my decisions for me either......are we dependent on each other...hell yes...

 

as far as sex goes.........they are open with me i prefer them to talk to me about sexual things even though sometimes i dont want to hear ...i prefer they question me.... than their mates......or their druggo friends same goes for drugs etc anything that could impact their life in a negative way is better to be talked about with me......i try to be impartial and put my own feeling aside.....if i was with a guy i wouldnt talk about our sex life......i do however talk abotu problems with my daughters i have with people/.....because they can tell when i am upset .its really easy when someone knows me.......so i am honest i dont go into too many details....and they dont hate anybody...because i dont hate anybody...but they have their opinions on people...they dont force their opinions on me.....

 

you guys need family counselling .as well as couples counselling..i would even suggest setting up a family counsel regularly...........my family is a mess.......we struggle alot...but one way we always make it though...is we are stronger together united for a common purpose it will be the same when they all move out...we will still be united no matter hwo far apart we go........to survive it is wholly necessary ...god created families for a reason........and we do ...no matter what life throws at us...thats co-dependency...or how i look to put it...community dependency.a united front....any guy i am with becomes part of that defense network.....becomes integral actually..if he cant swim with the rips and storms with us...he doesnt have too swim in calm seas either.....he can leave with no hard feelings...we swim a lot of storms......and i dont choose partners lightly.....they have to be a team player....an endurance and stamina....and compassion adn a willingness to pull together during harder times...not just the good times think we rock..we are a showroom family....we are all flawed ...every one is......we suck at the best of times.......family life isnt all roses and sunshine...its blood and its guts and brutal honesty,..not all soft pillows and clean sheets.......and its sometime hard to get through together.....but we do with me as mum and dad...even though i am actually the softest person most of the time...i have metal in me............deb

Edited February 27, 2017 by todreaminblue